Inner Peace

this is just a poem i had to write for school and decided to post here PLEASE REVIEW i am new here and want to see what it's like thank you

[pre]Foam crested waves of serenity
Encompass me with relief,
Numbing the former intensity
Of a life fraught with grief.

And in my dreamt-of Eden,
Relief floods to soothe, relax;
As I carry my heavy burden
Which upon me life doth tax.

I find myself recoiling
From the future and the past;
But easing my blood, once boiling,
And wishing these moments would last.

For in my secret garden,
All sound slips, fades away;
And my soul is not so sodden
With accounts of the day.

Often amid the unconscious, the mind
Is the best place to retreat within,
For you will often find
Yourself appreciating what’s given.[/pre]

Hey there Cat! First, I have a few suggestions for your format - post your poem in the normal font style and size of text used on YWS. It certainly stands out more as it is but it doesn't look as neat and professional.

Now on to the poem. In general, I think you have quite an effective use of rhyme and some of the imagery is beautiful but the rhythm needs a little work as does your choice of words. Here's a quick line by line -

Foam crested waves of serenity [Good, strong first line.]
Encompass me with relief, [Encompass is such a harsh, rough sounding word that contrasts with serenity. Perhaps you could change it to surround which would add a little alliteration encircle if you want to retain the original beat. Just a few suggestions.]
Numbing the former intensity
Of a life fraught with grief.

And in my dreamt-of Eden,
Relief floods to soothe, relax; [I don't think you should repeat relief. Maybe freedom?]
As I carry my heavy burden
Which upon me life doth tax. [I don't really like the use of old language here. If you're going to use a technique lie that, it's best to use it throughout the whole piece but it's up to you.]

I find myself recoiling
From the future and the past;
But easing my blood, once boiling,
And wishing these moments would last. [The rhythm is very out in this stanza. Your last too lines are a little too long so maybe try and shorten them?]

For in my secret garden,
All sound slips, fades away; [I'd add an extra syllable here - 'All sound slips and falls away']
And my soul is not so sodden
With accounts of the day. [This line could do with an extra syllable too. Maybe 'With accounts of dreary day']

Often amid the unconscious, the mind
Is the best place to retreat within,
For you will often find [Don't repeat often and make this line longer.]
Yourself appreciating what’s given. [The half rhyme really doesn't work here so I'd suggest you try to revise this last stanza.]

In general, I think the poem has lots of potential but it does need tidying up so take another look at it and if you do a re-write let me know and I'd be glad to give you a few more suggestions.

Heather xx

thanx so much for the critique i will work on it

i don't have time for a long critique (ill come back later and do that, but i think kitty has this basically covered) but the one thing that stuck out was "doth". if you are going to write in old english, which i don't recommend, you should write in it throughout. If not then don't bother throwing in that one word.

Hi. I like this piece overall, and Kit has made some good points. I have a few little suggestions; (I'll try hard not to repeat what Kit has said!)

I'd add another syllabyl to the last line of the first stanza to improove the rhythm. Perhaps: "Of a life long fraught with grief" or "now fraught" or something along those lines.

I liked the first line of the second stanza, but I don't think the rest of the verse is quite as fresh and beautiful as what you've said already, and think the rhyme is a little forced here. I'd try the last three lines again.

The rhythm of the first two lines of the next stanza is very good, but I think the third line is a little forced, and Kit makes a good point about the rhythm. Maybe try something like;
My blood's no longer boiling,
But these moments cannot last."

I love the sibilance in the next stanza. If you read it aloud, you'll get a better sense of how it should flow.

I think your beat is off in the last stanza. The first two lines are too long, and the end is a little too sweet for my tastes.

Overall, you have some lovely imagery here and this is well developed. It just needs a bit of polish. Hope this helps.

Jas

I like the first and third stanzas best. The second and fourth are not so great, and the fifth isn't bad but I don't love it, you know?

I think the second one especially could use some work; the language seem really awkward, and the rhyming rather forced. Other than that, I think you did a great job with rhythm and rhyming, but I admit that those are my own personal weaknesses in poetry, so my praise might not be worth very much. ( )

i dont have to critique, i think they pretty much covered everything. so i got the pleasure of reading it just for the enjoyment.

i really liked it. i thought is was beautiful.
great job. you are very good with words.

kim

I really only had trouble with the second stanza, other then that, I liked this poem.

-bobiscool

Grate work!

I was surprisingly great considering you are 13. I think it would be great for any age, I loved that the rhymes didn't seem forced at all. I also like the subject. Who is your favorite poet? If (s)he sounds remotely like you than i want to read him or her because i need to read a book of poetry for English.