My Sister

My Sister

I have a sister
I have known her since birth
When I look in her eyes
I see mine looking back

Her hair is blonde and long
As is mine
Her eyes are sky blue
I share those too

Sometimes we fight
I almost always win
She is a peace maker
I don’t back down.

She sets goals
And attains them
I float anywhere
Just happy to be me

When she is sad
I share her pain
When she is mad
I run

I have been blessed
Beyond any measure
I have never been alone
I share my life with her

We don’t always get along
And sometimes I tolerate her
But there is one thing I have never done
And that is to stop loving her

She is my twin
My identical me
Our souls were formed together
And together they will always be

I think while reading this I thought this was a good conceptual idea, some of the lines seemed a little forced, but I thought your ending was really strong, so at the point those shakey lines became obsolete. Well done.

That was grate!
You really let your emotions get wined into those words. I could feel it. I know how you feel because I have a sister as well!
Keep on writing! Never judge yourself!


~ Gwen

Kim, this was really good. I knew that it would be. There are only two things I noticed:

"Her eyes are sky blue
I share those to."

To should be too.

"I have been blessed
Beyond measure"

This seems a teeny forced so if you added "Beyond ANY measure, it would flow better.


Kim, that's all. Great job!

BBB

Wow, I loved this poem, I too have a sister and I could not have put it any better. She is blessed to have you.

Hummingbird

Hi Kim!

As the second of four girls, I have to say: Awww!

As a mean, evil critiquer, I have to say: EDIT!

Some of the things you put in here are really great, about how you look alike, the differences in your personality, and how even though you don't always get along, you'll never stop loving her. I find that unless the poetry is really, really well done, these sorts of things often work out better prosacially. I challenge you to write this as a story, rather than as a poem, so that you can show, and not tell, your audience how you feel about your sister. I think it could be really good!

Aww, that was really sweet. My favorite stanza was:

When she is sad
I share her pain
When she is mad
I run

Haha! Cute. ^_^ Agreeing with Arieda, though, it would have been a lot better had you shown and not told. You have some wonderful reasons as to why you treasure your sister, but perhaps you should work on sharing that emotion with us. We want to feel what you feel, so show us.

I didn't know how to word that, so I hope it at least SOMEWHAT helped. lol Beautiful work!

~*Syd*~

That was really sweet.

She sets goals
And attains them
I float anywhere
Just happy to be me

This bit didn't work for me. The sound was different from the previous two.

When she is sad
I share her pain
When she is mad
I run

I think it should be, I run away. Just I run is too short and doesn't fit.

Overall I really loved it.

THAT was strong adn emotional, it makes me think of my sister...and wish she were here with me.....very good job....the reader can understand what the author is going through......i can relate to your poem in one of my own....i think its called my true friend....i haven't finished it yet but heres the beginning....

You were there for me,
when i needed a shoulder.
You guided me,
when I was lost.
You led me to safety,
helping me stand strong
You, with your gentle,
guiding hand.
Are the hope within me,
I know I can find not another true friend.

well anywayz....thats just one im working on for my sister...i only get to see her once a month...yeah sad i know....well the poem was really great!!!

good job.keep writing!

this was great written in prose, your feelings for your sister are genuine. I like how you chose to write this. I do agree if you were to go back and add more to it, it would even be better. I also liked the humour you added. Very well done.

Carl

Edits and comments in bold

Kim wrote:My Sister

I have a sister
I have known her I think that it would flow better if you got rid of the her since birth
When I look in her eyes
I see mine looking back

Her hair is blonde and long
As is mine This line seems too short...maybe put "Mine are as well" or something here.
Her eyes are sky blue
I share those too

Sometimes we fight
I almost always win
She is a peace maker
I don’t back down. I don't really think that "Win" and "Down" go very well together here (and yes, I know it's not supposed to rhyme).

She sets goals
And attains them
I float anywhere
Just happy to be me I liked this stanza, but in line two I thought "attains" seemed a little awkward with the rhythm.

When she is sad
I share her pain
When she is mad
I run Hahaha, this seriously made me laugh

I have been blessed
Beyond any measure
I have never been alone
I share my life with her This was a great line and a great stanza (it flows...).

We don’t always get along
And sometimes I tolerate her On this line, change the "And" to "But"
But there is one thing I have never done
And that is to stop loving her

She is my twin
My identical me
Our souls were formed together
And together they will always be I loved your ending!!

I thought that this was a really good poem. Your rhythm needs a little bit of work around the middle, but overall I think that it was a good poem, showed your feelings for your sisters, and had a really good ending. A little work and this would be a really, really good poem. (It's very good already!)

Keep writing!!!!!!!!!!

Teh Wozzinator

I have a sister
I have known her since birth
When I look in her eyes
I see mine looking back

Her hair is blonde and long - Couldn't you describe that a bit better?
As is mine
Her eyes are sky blue - Again, pretty bland. Use more colorful adjetives.
I share those too

Sometimes we fight
I almost always win
She is a peace maker
I don’t back down.

She sets goals
And attains them
I float anywhere
Just happy to be me

When she is sad
I share her pain
When she is mad
I run - Haha.

I have been blessed
Beyond any measure
I have never been alone
I share my life with her

We don’t always get along
And sometimes I tolerate her
But there is one thing I have never done
And that is to stop loving her

She is my twin
My identical me
Our souls were formed together
And together they will always be - reword that "together they always will be."

I liked this poem. A bit straight-forward. I see you didn't spend time to dwell on the little, pretty words. You could probably do better. And also, you just repeated the same message in every stanza. "She's my sister and I love her." you gave out a lot of cliches like "we fight. but I love her." "im so glad shes my sister." "I feel what she feels." Where's the originality?

Keep writing!