Faded Love

I've fallen to the ground
and I fell hard
when I fell off our wall of passion
I ended up scarred
I tried to tear down that wall
but the bricks are made of steel
I tried to strip away my emotions
but every pain I can feel
I want to show you
the scrapes that I have
the cuts.
the holes.
but every time I touch you
I'm a peice of clay that you mold
every time I'm near
I'm like the child you refuse to hold
these scars that you made
will have left me jaded
the love that we had
will be left withered and faded

this poem was very meaningful and i enjoyed it tremendously...the words flowed very well and the theme was rather intriguing considering that i was able to relate. however, if you were to take the "buts" and the "ands" from the beginning of the lines, it would be even better. Sometimes words as such (including "like") can take away from the poem. other than that, though, awesome poem. keep up the good work.

watergirlwriter3 wrote:I want to show you
the scrapes that I have
the cuts.
the holes.
but every time I touch you

This bit doesn't fit well with the rest of the poem. I like the first and the last parts, but the middle just disrupts the flow.

Apart from that, I really liked it. It's got some really nice lines, and shows potential. Well done!

Wow. This poem was really emotional - I loved it!

Just a couple of little things: make sure that you punctuate the end of each line, even if it's only with a comma. It makes sure that your reader can breathe! Read it out loud to check it.
Make sure you capitalise the start of every sentence if necessary. It's not compulsory though, so don't sweat it.
And also "piece" is spelt how I put it

Keep writing!

Pgsgirl x

Pgs, Are you serious?

The OP's last post was on "Tue Nov 14, 2006 6:25 pm", I'd critique for people who will actually see your comments and use them to revise their work.

It is very good...
Its deep in emotion....
It also gives us a clue about you..
and those poems...which are most...
always end up bein the best...
Keep up the good work...

Please don't bump old threads.

*locked*