Thank you

Gender

Points 890

Reviews 11

Tue Mar 08, 2005 10:33 pm

magusthemad says... · Tue Mar 08, 2005 10:33 pm

I thank those who drove me mad
and those who told me my happiness
would not be had
for you showed me
how to fight
and you showed me
that I must always question what is right

Last edited by magusthemad on Thu Mar 10, 2005 12:14 am, edited 2 times in total.

Quote

nickelpickle

Gender

Points 890

Reviews 162

Tue Mar 08, 2005 10:58 pm

nickelpickle says... · Tue Mar 08, 2005 10:58 pm

First of... too short... you need to lengthen it majorly...let's see if I can give you some suggestions...

I thank thy those who drove me mad

Purposeful bad English? thy those??? Get rid of thy...

would not be had

Maybe change it to was not to be had

for you showed me
how to fight
and you showed me

I don't like the repetition...

The last line was just okay...you could do better.

Quote

Firestarter

Supporter

Gender

Points 18178

Reviews 1259

Wed Mar 09, 2005 5:20 pm

Firestarter says... · Wed Mar 09, 2005 5:20 pm

Too short, too pointless...too...bad.

I thank the those who drove me mad
and those who told me my happiness
would not be had

The first sentence is not correct. Remove the "the" from it.

Generally, the rest was good, but it needs to be longer to really make any impact. It just seems cut off.