dirty wine

like red wine on
white table cloths,
deceit and love
spread rapidly.

the two coincide,
fuse and merge.
burnt whole;
lies become swirling
cacophony in radiantly treacherous colors.

entangled; hungry fingers,
succulent eyes, lusty lips
mash against one another
in the dark.

the same dark can
mask perfidious fingers,
curious eyes, wine-reddened lips seeking
another.

Some of the imagery in this piece is nice but I suggest that you use capitals after the fullstops unless you have a specific reason not to. Your punctuation and grammar are accurate and I felt this was well written but it could be more powerful. Consider using stronger imagery and maybe mould it to a strong, regular rhythm. I liked it though so well done.

It was...curious.

You should capitalize some..It looks quiet without it. (And does that make sense?)

This was a captured moment of a very brief and brisk thing. The imagery was minimal (More should be added) and I wasn't given anything that I could feel or relate to. What emotion are you trying to express? Make your reader also feel it.

thanks guys--

i prefer to use no capitilization in my poetry, it tends to just look sloppy, or there's the tradional

Blah
Blah
Blah

u know? the capitilization of the beginning letter of every line.... that's Like writing Sentences with Random capitilization in Wrong places.

you know? lol, i just prefer to use no caps in my writing-- just a poet's style preference, but thanks for the tip on that.

I wrote this at like midnight, lol, so I'll definately tighten up and strengthen the imagery.

--C

care for the revise?

I don't think the title really had much to do with it, as dirty was never mentioned...perhaps red wine instead of dirty wine? I would point out punctuation, but you said it's a personal style so I can understand that. I think you could definitely make this more powerful, by playing with the words and the line structure...Otherwise, this is definitely good!!

If I may? Also yes, the revised is much better. And don't worry about capitalization, I don't think it would work with this poem. But the punctuation! Oh yes.



like red wine on Put an "I" in front of this stanza, and see how it reads. Then try the punctuation I threw in below... I don't know. I need a subject or this whole stanza just falls apart.I know, I know, that's not what you wanted, but it sounds really cool. plus twisted voices in poetry are fun, but that's another sotry entirely
white table cloths --
deceit and love
spread rapidly. maybe put the last two lines as one? I like how it sounds without a pause between them, but I don't think enjambment is what you want here, but the line would be longer than the rest. what do you think?

the two coincide,
coalesce and merge.I'm not fond of this line of a few reasons. One, I have no idea what that first word is, but I have a feeling it's the same idea as "merge," right? Two, the idea is repeated again in the line below, and i feel like i've been hit over the head with it. We get it! Something comes together!
woven together;
a swirling cacophony in
radiantly treacherous colors.

entangled; hungry fingers, No. Just... no on the semi-colon. My advice would be to put "entangled" as it's own line, then "hungry fingers", etc.
succulent eyes, lusty lips
mash against one another
in the dark.

the dark can the repetition of "dark" doesn't work, but I'm not sure how else you can deal with the image you want.
mask the perfidious fingers, ah! vocab lesson! please, unless this is a personal poem (to which i would ask why you posted it here), please, don't make me go to a dictionary. It sounds way awkward and like you used a thesaurus to sound smarter or something. It doesn't work! Simple language tends to be best, don't be tempted by fancy words!
curious eyes, and kill the "and" and put the two lines together, then a pause, I'd go line break at the least, then the last line
brazen lips searching,
for another.


Ok, that's pretty much it from me on crits. What I really liked here was the idea you presented in the first stanza -- good image. The last two stanzas are in danger of being the same idea presented two different ways, but it's not overly imminent.

Overall, a good revision. Must stronger than your first draft, and that's usually the idea Keep plugging away at it!

Mesh

thanks, lol
but perfidious does work.
lol, i hate having to explain my poetry and the meaning, because generally it's much better when the reader takes their own meaning from it

but if you really think about it
the third stanza is two people obviously together,
i was envisioning a matinee for some reason
but the dark does work
because the dark covers up
the other person cheating,
hence, perfidious fingers. lol.

i'll tighten up the punctuation, but i dont think i'll take out perfidious. it works in my opinion
but then again
i prefer poetry that can be taken in an awkward manner.

the abstract is lovely because it can mean so many different things to different readers. etc. etc.

but i will most likely remove or edit the second stanza :]

--C

also, the title does relate to the poem.
i really dislike using a line from the poem as the title, it's too repetitive.

but wine in the beginning is used, and the concept of the wine,
and how technically things become dirty in the end, (not sexually) but the treachery is dirty.

eh, i still dislike explaining. but you know, to clear up confusion.
other than that, i dont know what other corrections i'd like to make.

--C

Double check your punctuation; oftentimes, semicolons are used when there should be a comma or no punctuation at all.

The word "mash" in the third stanza doesn't seem to fit; what's around it seems rather elegent, and to me, mash has a more crude connotation.

Maybe refer a little more to the red wine image? It doesn't really have an relevence after the second stanza. Maybe something like wine-reddened lips instead of/ in addition to brazen lips? I don't know. Just throwing out ideas.

Other than that, I think it was pretty well done.

Thanks. I will definately add that and replace brazen :]

--C

I'm very new to this so I doubt i can say anything profound about your poem.
I won't go on about the punctuation as you already explained that it's your writing style and it retains the poems originality, that there is no capital letter at the begining of each line, as is usually expected with poems.
I enjoyed the use of imagery through out the poem, however I feel as though the poem could be alot more powerful if you were to expand on it. More imagery and perhaps te use of similies and metaphor's would make the reader FEEL more and allow them to relate to your poem.
The abstract is fun and almost playful in your description of the "merging".
I thoroulghly enjoyed your poem, although it needs abit of tweeking.
Just work on the points that have been stated.

to hana
there are a lot of similies in the poem. they're just not in the traditional form of
"this is as that" or w/e. as well as personification, etc.

i.e. "lies become swirling cacaphony in radiantly treacherous colors"

that's basically saying
"lies are like swirling treacherous colors of cacophony" but said more interestingly....

er
capitilization at the beginning of lines in a poetic stanza are not usually "expected."
it's actually quite a basic-level form of poetry before one hone's their own personal style and does not follow the conformist traditions that has become cliche' today.
developing one's own punctuation and capitlization preferences is a catastrophically important component to becoming a poet.

--as i learned when i began writing poetry over 4 years ago,
write your lines as if writing a sentance.
as i said
you Do not Write sentances With random Capitlizations in the Middle of your Sentances.
it just looks dumb and makes the writer look dumb.

all things to take under one's wing when becoming a poet.

--C

biancarayne>> [pet peeve] Red Wine asa title would be terribly bland. Poem titles deserve respect and should be as beautiful as the poems themselves. [/pet peeve]

claire>> this poem seemed to aspire to be more then it was. You try to paint this picture, so grandeur and profound, but then in application it falls flat.

Work on adding potency and substance to your work. Make every line count. (because whether it's you making them or not, they do).
~Ed

Like I said, I'm new to this! It's just my opinion. It might be right, it might be wrong, either way it’s just what I think at the moment (my view might change).
Just work on allowing the reader to feel and relate more, using whatever literary techniques you feel are fit to do so.
By the way,
Is poetry not a medium of expression?
If we create laws or rules on the way in which people are allowed to express themselves, are we not maiming the emotions and the view that they are trying to convey – as it is being changed so as to adhere to rules that should not apply to them.
If a writer feels the need to put a capitalisation on a word mid-sentence, to add emphasise or create affect, is he/she not allowed to do so?
I've always loved poetry because it frees you from the restraints of conformity and allows you to be yourself.
I'm not telling people to write. Sentences with - silly punctuation (marks) that don't belong, in the sentence in question for the sake of doing so, however if we start to create boundaries for poetry, however small or insignificant, we are taking a little piece of the poets individuality from the poem, and that should be illegal!! Lol
Not everyone will agree with this totally, perhaps to some extent, but thank you for your comment on my review. Much appreciated
- Hana