In The Dark World

n/a

This is my first free verse. Do you kinda get the story, or is too hard to follow? please crit.
Wild

Ok, first things first I did like this, but found it a little too hard to read.

The hearts of the Lifeless Ones the only prize worth contending for in this world of despair,

Just that for me was a little too much to take in all at once. But hey that might just be me

Other than that i enjoyed it, its different and but I'm not sure that i really get the story all that much, I think i Kinda get it...but I'm not too sure i understand!

Meevs
x

Well, I think that the lines are a bit long. Really long free verse lines can sound a lot like prose and at times it seemed more prose than poetry. I think you should try and break it up a bit, just with stanzas maybe - it would make it easier to read (not a solid block of text).

One thing I noticed; no full stops. I think that you need to add a full stop every now and then. It would flow better.

Betwixt the heavens sprawled above our heads and the dirt that crumbles underfoot,
Unknown Spirits rage among the Soulless ones that still stalk this forlorn world,

The word choice here is good, I like the starting "Betwixt".

The powers of Good and Bad clash as the fires of Hell, a marbled uncertainty,

I don't quite understand the marbled uncertainty - could you explain? Are you refering to the battle specifically or is that running onto the next line.

Undead creatures claw at your throat and desire your sweet blood of life,

If you do consider stanzas, this would be a good breaking point since this is where you start to move into an actual attack.

Well I don't really have any other suggestions - the actual wording is very good, if a bit lengthy. I think that you just need to break it down so it's more appealing for readers and so it could flow more easily. I enjoyed reading it.

Thanks for the tips.
umm, the "marbled uncertainty" is referring to good and bad mixing and being marbled.
The poem itself is about us humans becoming vampires after death and being attacked by spirits! lol wild!
Wild