My Star (crits most definantly needed and wanted)

k... this is for my English class... joy, we have to write a sonnet, by Wednesday...



Oh my amazing and sparkling star
With soft emerald eyes, and bright auburn hair.
Oh how I gaze upon you from afar,
Out of all beauties, you are the most fair.


Though you may not notice me at this time.
My love for you will never fade away
Though your list of admirers may climb.
Oh cupid, such a wicked game you play.


Whenever I see you, my eyes do glow.
Your eyes spark, fearful of my hidden thought.
Whenever you pass by, my breath gets slow
But what can I do, my heart you have caught.


Most radiant of all, who holds my heart.
You may be beautiful, but not very smart.



I chose to write my sonnet like Shakespeare... 'cause that was a choice and I thought, why not, the rhyme scheme is simple... abab cdcd efef gg... so ya... and there is supposed to be 14 lines, each line has to be only... Only 10 syllables here it is, it needs alot of work, please help!

Ok i think that you have to

sorry for that last post.

first of all

"Though may not notice me at this time."

change it to Though "you" may not notice me at the time.
and add a coma to it at the end instead of a period so it flows with the other line.

"You may be beautiful, but not at all smart"

put "not very smart" i think it sounds better.

besides that it is pretty good.

"Oh my stunning and sparkling star "
That line was only 9 syllables, you need 5 iambs.

"Though may not notice me at this time. "
Though YOU maybe... need that other syllable.

"my breath does slow"
gets slow maybe?

"You may be beautiful, but not at all smart."
Perhaps not that smart.

I liked it, I like sonnets,, this just needs a little fixing up, it's good otherwise.

thank ye... still need to work on the rhyme scheme, it doesnt... flow and thats what needs help x_x

the ending crashed and burned the entire point of the poem, but it made me snort laughter a bit, so i suppose that's probaby the point of that ending. otherwise, cute & good description.

The only thing that struck me, so far, were the aforementioned lines that are no 10 syllables. (first 2 lines, then lines 5 and 7). Also, for line 5 you may want to add "you" in between 'though' and 'may'-it'll make more sense, and give you 10 syllables (unless it was just a typo).

My Star


Oh my amazing and beautiful star,
With soft emerald eyes, and bright auburn hair.
Oh how I gaze upon you from afar,
Out of all the beauties, you are most fair.

Though you may not notice me at this time,
My love for you will never fade away.
Though your list of admirers might climb.
Oh cupid, such a wicked game you play.

Whenever I see you, my eyes do light.
Your eyes spark, timid of my secret thought.
Whenever you pass by, my heart takes flight,
But what can I do, my soul you have caught.

Most glorious of all, who holds my heart.
You may be heavenly, but not very smart.