Long Strides

Spoiler

I was trying to convey a weird message here..See if you can get it. Enjoy

"Sometime TODAY Barry!!!"
Lugging these heavy sacks up the hill. Again. And again.
"Come on! Some people have lives and don't have times for your laziness!" She screamed like there was no tomorrow.
The sky shifted colors above us, holding my attention for a moment. Blues changing to purples, and reds changing to oranges.
We have a beautiful sky here. One for taking pictures, holding memories, forgetting, loving, then dying.
Everything here was for dying.
The grass a prickly green and flowers shining a perfect sheen. While I dragged my feet through the thick glass they laughed and winked.
When I'd carried the final sack up the hill, I threw the contents into the hole. The dead would enrich the flowers and the make the world look beautiful again. On the outside.

HI

Very beautiful writing style. You manage to be vague without being too vague (one of my pet peeves). First, nitpicks:

"Sometime TODAY Barry!!!"Another pet peeve is multiple exclamation points.
Lugging these heavy sacks up the hill. Again. And again.
"Come on! Some people have lives and don't have times 'time' not 'times' for your laziness!" She screamed*insert comma* like there was no tomorrow.
The sky shifted colors above us, holding my attention for a moment. Blues changing to purples, and reds changing to oranges.pretty...but how is that possible?
We have a beautiful sky here. One for taking pictures, holding memories, forgetting, loving, then dying.I love this description!
Everything here was for dying.
The grass a prickly green and flowers shining a perfect sheen. While I dragged my feet through the thick glass they laughed and winked.
When I'd carried the final sack up the hill, I threw the contents into the hole. The dead would enrich the flowers and the make the world look beautiful again. On the outside.

Overall very nice job on this. Make a few changes. You could definitely take this further, but it stands alone as well.

Nice work!
Sare

Hi! Nice to meet you ( so to speak)...WELCOME to YWS! I liked this so much I'm making a B-line for the * like * and * follow * buttons. Sarebare really covered all the nitpicks I was going to bring to light, so I'm just going to commend you on your style of writing. It is insanely beautiful. And believe me, I don't say that to just anybody...It flowed so beautifully, and, meh...how do I put this: I just sank into it. Although it was short, I became so engrossed...wow. There were quite a few mistakes, but I'm going to keep this review positive and just say a final "well-done"!
~ Alia

First of all, very beautiful. The images you gave me were so vivid.

We have a beautiful sky here. One for taking pictures, holding memories, forgetting, loving, then dying.

, very good, very beautiful, and very poetic.

Everything here was for dying.

, I also love this line, it hooks me into wanting, even needing, to know what it's talking about, it's also a little dark. The first post on here (sorry that I don't name you) got all the little details I wanted to say. I love your writing style, it's very beautiful, descriptive, colorful, and great. I am hooked and I can't wait to see the next part of this. I also love, like someone else said before, how vague you are without being too vague, you still get the message across and get the reader hooked. Also, I love how you can describe death in a beautiful way, normally death is sad and depressing, but you make it that, and beautiful at the same time. Overall, great, beautiful piece. Keep writing.

mistielovesyou wrote:"Sometime TODAY Barry!!!" I really don't think a story can have multiple exclimation points...
Lugging these heavy sacks up the hill. Again. And again. Don't only use one word, just use a comma and/or something different to help it convey into the next like this. "Lugging these heavy sacks up the hill, again and again." Thats really how you should write in in my point of view.
"Come on! Some people have lives and don't have times for your laziness!" She screamed like there was no tomorrow.
The sky shifted colors above us, holding my attention for a moment. Blues changing to purples, and reds changing to oranges. Now, this is something I really hate in a writer. Not to be offensive, but saying the same word over again is really just double saying it. That is not really needed in it. Yes its a pretty scene, but thats not really possible unless the sun is setting or rising. So that really needs to be explained better.
We have a beautiful sky here. One for taking pictures, holding memories, forgetting, loving, then dying. I loved this best out of your piece.
Everything here was for dying.
The grass a prickly green and flowers shining a perfect sheen. While I dragged my feet through the thick glass they laughed and winked.
When I'd carried the final sack up the hill, I threw the contents into the hole. The dead would enrich the flowers and the make the world look beautiful again. On the outside.

Other then that, its really good! Sorry if I sound harsh, Im trying not to be. I hope this will help you become a better writer!
~~ Robbin

Oh, you guys: this is a fantasy world. Which is why the sky changes colors like that.... It's not a real world..

Cool! I like the vibe and atmosphere it gave me. I do think you can improve on your grammar and flow a little. Describe emotions and feelings in more vivid, interesting words. But yeah, I really like the over all vibe.

Pretty cool! It was interesting, but very vague. Not so vague that the reader just ends up tilting their head in confusion, but vague enough so that someone can make their own conclusions. Sorry I just overused the word "vague in that sentence, but I couldn't think of a word more accurate to describe it. Anyway, on to the few little things I noticed.

"Sometime TODAY Barry!!!"Someone's probably already pointed out this problem, the exclaimation marks take away from everything else. One would work just as well.
Lugging these heavy sacks up the hill. Again. And again. I I like how you repeated the work again as seperate sentences, it seemed to show frustration and boredom caused by lugging th heavy bags. I wasn't really sure about the first of the line though.
"Come on! Some people have lives and don't have times for your laziness!" She screamed like there was no tomorrow.
The sky shifted colors above us, holding my attention for a moment. Blues changing to purples, and reds changing to oranges.
We have a beautiful sky here. One for taking pictures, holding memories, forgetting, loving, then dying.Absolutely loved this description here!
Everything here was for dying.
The grass a prickly green and flowers shining a perfect sheen. While I dragged my feet through the thick glass they laughed and winked.
When I'd carried the final sack up the hill, I threw the contents into the hole. The dead would enrich the flowers and the make the world look beautiful again. On the outside.