The Gods play Marbles

9 posts
User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 13613
Reviews 36
The Gods play Marbles
The Tyrannosaurus Rex opened his tennis ball sized eyes and got to his feet. He surveyed his surroundings warily, and then yawned, revealing a mouth that would give any orthodontist a fit. He was a gaunt specimen, with his ribs showing through his skin. He was the dinosaur equivalent of the homeless guy muttering to himself at the dollar store, but in 65 million years, he would become a celebrated fossil, the symbol of his reptilian race. He sniffed the air, turned and stomped through the prehistoric swamp with a deadly purpose.

The gods turned to study the stranger as he entered. There was nothing particularly unusual about him. A casual glance around the room would reveal deities with odd numbers of arms, animal heads, tentacles and all sorts of ungodly bodies, so a red dude with horns on his head and a pitchfork hanging out of his arse was hardly unusual. “What do you play?” asked the newcomer. Odin hurriedly cleared his throat. “Marbles”, he said,” and who might you be?”. “I am many things. The light of a million dying stars the feeling of a rip in space-time, the sound of a guitar with no strings. I am the void. ”, the red man said, smiling. “We’ll call you Dave, then” replied Odin, rolling his eyes. All these young new-fangled deities had an overinflated sense of drama. “Can I play? I’ve got my own marble” replied the red man. He pulled out a dusty brown sphere and held it up to the light. “Sure,” barked Anubis, “but I gotta warn ya, Zeus always wins.” Zeus smiled, “It’s all in the wrist. Think you can take me on? Place your marble.” The red man surveyed the playing field. It was pitch black, and littered with spheres of bright yellow, marine blue, deep green, scarlet, azure and a million other shades for which names were yet to be invented. He selected a corner, and placed the brown sphere on the board.
The T-Rex traipsed through muddy, flea infested puddles, following his nose. He hadn’t eaten in 5 days, but hunger did not make him weak, only more vicious and determined. All around him, prehistoric plants thrived in the humid atmosphere. Insects buzzed, and by his feet, a small possum like mammal timidly emerged from its burrow. They say the meek will inherit the earth. If the creature knew that this entailed 65 billion years of evolution, it probably wouldn’t have bothered. The T-Rex approached a hillock. The scent was coming from around it. As it silently began to climb, the evening sky caught its eye. The beauty of creation lay before it, a thousand million burning balls of hydrogen, like pin pricks in the sky, making this single reptile clinging to the face of a rock seem like a miniscule footnote in the great tome that is the universe. But T-Rexes aren’t familiar with great meaningful philosophical questions, so it ignored the sight. Besides, it was a Sunday, and it was hungry.

The red man took careful aim and flicked again, hitting a large red swirly marble. “Well, there goes Betelgeuse,” hissed Quetzalcoatl grumpily. “And a real pity too. I was making a constellation out of it.” Most of the gods were crowding around the board now. The newcomer was proving to be a talented player, and the game promised to be interesting. It was not like any usual game of marbles. The orbs on the board were in constant motion, circling each other and occasionally colliding and smashing each other to bits. The thunder god lined up his electric green marble, and flicked his thumb. The marble sped forward, swinging slightly to the left, and smashed into a small white sphere that had been trundling along an elliptical trajectory. Zeus straightened, satisfied. The red man stepped forward for his turn. He examined the board, then hunched over it, lining up his marble with his intended target. A hush fell over the audience as they realized that he was aiming for a small blue and green cat’s-eye marble, third in a series of nine spheres arranged around a central sphere of glistening amber. The gods held their breaths as one as he flicked, with an almost nonchalant air.

The T-Rex charged down the slope catching the protoceratops by surprise. She turned, and faced him her deadly crown of spikes, jabbing him under the ribs with the horn at the end of her snout. The T-Rex backed away, wounded, but then attacked her side with renewed vigor. His deadly jagged teeth slashed through her thick green hide, fatally wounding her. Yet, with one final burst of energy, the protoceratops charged, driving her horn into his neck. As the dinosaurs lay there struggling, a giant dusty rock was hurtling towards them. They both stopped struggling, and turned their heads to the sky as some paracosmic base instinct kicked in, and observed silently as the rock entered the atmosphere, and began building up layers of flame, like some giant celestial onion. As it impacted on the earth, it let out a wave of pure heat and light that turned the dinosaur’s bones transparent, before frying them to a crisp. The T-Rex’s last thought was “You bastard, you stole my dinner” before he was incinerated. As creatures around the world fell silent, the sound of a million tons of rock screaming under intense heat and pressure reverberated through the solar system.

Tick.

The gods nodded appreciatively as the red man hit his target. “Very well, you win this game” said Zeus grudgingly. “What will you do with your winnings?” “We shall play another game,” said the red man, “upon this planet of blues and green.” “Oh yes? And what game may this be?” inquired the gods. “It’s called Evolution.”
A lie can run around the world before the truth has got its boots on.
- Terry Pratchett

Si non confectus, non recifiat - If it ain't broken, don't fix it.




User avatar
Gender None specified
Points 8890
Reviews 191
No technical errors on your part, it seems. I might have formatted this story slightly differently, but that's neither here nor there. Fun to see the world's pantheons joining up, this somehow reminds me of Dunsany's "The Gods of Pegana". The marbles thing was interesting too - as I understood it, marbles were celestial bodies of all sorts.

As for the content - I'm going to have to ask you exactly what you meant by this. The cold facts: the devil, it seems, invented evolution. Seeing as in your world you didn't have humans, I am forced to assume that you implied they came about as a result of evolution. If we follow that logic, we get "humans were indirectly created by the devil."

Of course, the above is simply my interpretation. If you are not a one-post member and are planning to return to YWS, I'd ask you to clarify the meaning of the story either on this here post or on my wall. For one, I'm curious myself. But also, posting a story like this might make other people antsy, depending on who believes what. Watch one extremist post an opinion, watch the next post a rebuttal, and then you've got a full-blown flame war with lots of casualties.

Your servant,
cC
_




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 12987
Reviews 162
An interesting story. :)

I liked the comparison of T. Rex to a mumbling homeless man... Are their eyeballs really only the size of tennis balls? o.O

Remember to start a new paragraph every time someone different starts talking. So, instead of all being in the same paragraph, it would be something like this:

“What do you play?” asked the newcomer.
Odin hurriedly cleared his throat. “Marbles”, he said,” and who might you be?”
“I am many things. The light of a million dying stars the feeling of a rip in space-time, the sound of a guitar with no strings. I am the void. ”, the red man said, smiling.
“We’ll call you Dave, then” replied Odin, rolling his eyes.

Also, your formatting within quotation marks needs some polishing.

"Marbles," he said. "And who might you be?" (<- I think that's right, because even though it would be 'said, "and who...' normally when a sentence is continued, this 'and' seems to be the start of a new sentence(?) )
..."I am the void," the red man said, smiling.
"We'll call you Dave, then," replied Odin, rolling his eyes.

I liked how the game of marbles coincided with what was going on in the world at the time... Also, bonus points to you. We've just been talking about Betelgeuse in science class, which is the only reason why I know how to pronounce it. XD Anyway, yeah, I liked the allusions like that, to different gods, too.

Basically, really nice work here. Just polish it a little and fix some of the technical stuff, and you'll be good to go. ^^
"Pay Attention. Pay Close Attention to everything, everything you see. Notice what no one else notices, and you'll know what no one else knows. What you get is what you get. What you do with what you get is more the point. -- Loris Harrow, City of Ember (Movie)




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 3175
Reviews 141
Oh, this made me laugh! It was so funny, and really creative! The only things I had a problem with were the quotation formatting, and the dialouge formatting, but I think someone else already mentioned that. Anyways, this was a really entertaining piece, and I like the concept of the marbles. Also, the way you switched back and forth from the dinasaur and the marbles game was nice too.
Keep writing!
-Dai
Oh, I wish I was punk-rocker with flowers in my hair.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2847
Reviews 41
hey man!
awesome piece you have here! very lighthearted way to look at a very heavy topic. I enjoyed looking at it your way.
dude! change your verb 'got' in your very first line! GOT is the worst word in the english language :) k maybe not but its generally a lazy verb.
otherwise good job. lets be friends? :) -follows you-
"Dad, I'm hungry."
Hello hungry!
"Dad! I'm serious."
I thought you were hungry?
"Are you kidding me?"
No. I'm dad.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5081
Reviews 270
Mmmm, you over-describe.

For instance, the sentence about the size of the t-rex's eyes. Maybe you could be more.... what's the word..... illustrative? Like..... "Slowly, the T-rex opened his large, yellow eyes, and clambered to his feet."

Yeah, I don't know what to do with that, but.... I dunno. Just doesn't feel quite right.

Overall, it's ok, but I think it could be better.
"Ok, Lolpup. You can be a girl worth fighting for."
--Pengu




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1626
Reviews 106
Hey this is really great! It's an interesting view of evolution, i never thought of it! So,the only gramatical error was your paragraphing, you need a new paragraph whenever someone talks. It was a really good flow, I rarely had to stop and read something over. The whole two different views thing was a good idea, but maybe add something to the T-Rex story. After the gods start the evolution game you could make one animal come out of the destruction on earth, to emphasize how the gods are controlling earth even more. Great story, very entertaining and thought provoking.
Light one candle instead of cursing the darkness.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2923
Reviews 37
Hello again!

So I really liked the tone of this piece, it was satirical and removed, and I definitely smiled in a few places. I also think the idea you have here is intriguing, you definitely have the start of something here that could be really thought provoking, I could see the wheels turning as it were.

That said, I was confused as to what your intent was with this piece. What point you intended to make with this extended metaphor?

I might just be being daft, but parts of this didn't make sense to me. I first didn't fully understand the interplay between Earth and the game of marbles, I assume there is one, with the meteorites and burning balls of hydrogen, that the game somehow effects the earth in big ways. The connection wasn't made as clear as I wanted it to be. I didn't know what event in the game had caused what event on earth. I don't think you need to make this so clear that a five year old would understand it or anything, but I do think it's lacking some clarity.

Okay. I got halfway through this review and I finally got that the Devil was aiming at Earth on his last turn, that's embarrassing. =D So that describes the meteorite at the end of piece, I get that now. However, I still don't understand the million burning balls of hydrogen, where those the marbles? Again, I am probably just being thick.

So, now comes my biggest criticism, which is sort of related to my first. What is the connection your trying to make between this and evolution? I didn't really understand how the gods could play the game of evolution with each other. Would the devil start with some creatures and try to move them along to become superior? Then would Zeus start with some other creatures with the same goal in mind? Would the creatures fight each other, would one brand of creatures eventually die out? If so, which one? I am assuming the point your trying to make is that humans are descendant of the devil, what with all our evil ways. Which is definitely an interesting thought. Again, however, I think the implication needs to be made more clear.

I would strongly encourage you to edit this piece, I feel like you are contemplating some big interesting ideas, while, at the same time, not taking yourself too seriously, and I am intrigued by the conclusion you will or have reached. If you have any comments or questions, feel free to drop me a line.

Audrey
"I've never told a lie, and that makes me a liar
I've never made a bet, but we gamble in desire
I've never lit a match with intent to start a fire,
But recently the flames are getting out of control"




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5588
Reviews 94
He was the dinosaur equivalent of the homeless guy muttering to himself at the dollar store, but in 65 million years, he would become a celebrated fossil, the symbol of his reptilian race.

You should spell out numbers. 65 million years should be sixty-five million years.

“What do you play?” asked the newcomer. Odin hurriedly cleared his throat. “Marbles”, he said,” and who might you be?”. “I am many things. The light of a million dying stars the feeling of a rip in space-time, the sound of a guitar with no strings. I am the void. ”, the red man said, smiling. “We’ll call you Dave, then” replied Odin, rolling his eyes. All these young new-fangled deities had an overinflated sense of drama. “Can I play? I’ve got my own marble” replied the red man. He pulled out a dusty brown sphere and held it up to the light. “Sure,” barked Anubis, “but I gotta warn ya, Zeus always wins.” Zeus smiled, “It’s all in the wrist. Think you can take me on? Place your marble.” The red man surveyed the playing field.

This is hard to read. To make it easier for the readers to know who is talking, you should always start a new paragraph when someone new is talking. That way, it would be more like this:

What do you play?” asked the newcomer.

Odin hurriedly cleared his throat. “Marbles”, he said,” and who might you be?”.

“I am many things. The light of a million dying stars the feeling of a rip in space-time, the sound of a guitar with no strings. I am the void. ”, the red man said, smiling.

“We’ll call you Dave, then” replied Odin, rolling his eyes. All these young new-fangled deities had an overinflated sense of drama.

“Can I play? I’ve got my own marble” replied the red man. He pulled out a dusty brown sphere and held it up to the light. “Sure,” barked Anubis, “but I gotta warn ya, Zeus always wins.”

Zeus smiled, “It’s all in the wrist. Think you can take me on? Place your marble.”


Odin hurriedly cleared his throat. “Marbles”, he said,” and who might you be?”.

Commas, question marks, and periods go before the quotation mark. The last period isn't needed because of the question mark. These sentences should be:

Odin hurriedly cleared his throat. “Marbles,” he said, "and who might you be?”

I am the void. ”, the red man said, smiling.

Again, make sure you understand where to put the comma. The first period isn't needed and the first comma should be where the first period is:

I am the void,” the red man said, smiling.

“We’ll call you Dave, then” replied Odin, rolling his eyes. All these young new-fangled deities had an overinflated sense of drama. “Can I play? I’ve got my own marble” replied the red man.

You need a comma after then and marble.

He hadn’t eaten in 5 days, but hunger did not make him weak, only more vicious and determined.

Spell out words. 5 days should be five days.

If the creature knew that this entailed 65 billion years of evolution, it probably wouldn’t have bothered.

Spell out words. 65 billion years should be sixty-five billion years.

She turned, and faced him her deadly crown of spikes, jabbing him under the ribs with the horn at the end of her snout.

You are missing a word here. This should say faced him with her deadly crown of spikes.

The gods nodded appreciatively as the red man hit his target. “Very well, you win this game” said Zeus grudgingly. “What will you do with your winnings?” “We shall play another game,” said the red man, “upon this planet of blues and green.” “Oh yes? And what game may this be?” inquired the gods. “It’s called Evolution.”

This part is still confusing to understand who is speaking. It would make more sense if it was this way:

“Very well, you win this game” said Zeus grudgingly. “What will you do with your winnings?”

“We shall play another game,” said the red man, “upon this planet of blues and green.”

“Oh yes? And what game may this be?” inquired the gods.

“It’s called Evolution.”


The overall story is very interesting. You don't develop the characters very much and there is little setting, but because of the way the story is written, this doesn't hurt the story at all. If you make sure you use paragraphs and put commas where they believe, this story would be perfect.
There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.
-Ernest Hemingway



the children yearn for instagram reels instead of bbcode
— floodlights