The Death of Humpty Dumpty

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This was written as an assignment for English class. We had to retell a fairy tale or nursery ryhme using certain words, so that's why the plot may stray or words may sound awkward. Please forgive me.

The Death of Humpty Dumpty: from Someone Who Was Actually There

Smells of fresh-baked bread hung in the air on Market Day as young children pranced about in the crowd, looking for their favorite sweet or fruit. Laughing parents were pulled along by tiny hands directing them to another stall where colorful adornments hung. Mothers’ poofy dresses danced and swirled as the wearer daintily ran behind their child, beatifically enduring the curiosity of their little one. The crowd rang out with the sound of idle chattering, pleasantly challenging bargaining, and general merriment. I watched it all, chin rested on my palm, from a bench at the edge of the market where I could observe as the whole gathering together formed a life painting.

As running footsteps moved toward the spot where I rested, the birds in the tree behind me abruptly stopped their singing and flew away. I glared at the approaching boy. With dark brown hair and excited eyes that were so luminous they could have been powered by a dynamo, the lean boy plopped down on the bench beside me.

“He’s done it again!” announced Baron Atkin - my school classmate - in his peculiar foreign accent.

“Who?” I asked, sighing tiredly, as I was certain I already knew the answer.

“Ol' Humpty’s acted up! He’s gone and drunk himself silly, and right now he’s up on the castle wall, proposing to a stone gargoyle!” Atkin about passed out he was laughing so hard. His chest convulsed and his face turned red as several people in the market paused to stare at him, wondering if they should call one of the castle guards to check him out. I smiled and waved the onlookers away nervously, then punched Atkin a good one so that he fell off the bench, still cackling uncontrollably.

“Shaddup!” I whispered hoarsely. “You’ll be arrested for disturbing the peace!”

Crawling back up on the bench, Atkin fervently attempted to compose himself. He wiped away the tears that had escaped onto his cheek in his lack of control. He protested that he had a right good reason to be acting so strangely.

“By the way, how’s your mum?” I asked in a futile attempt to steer the subject in another direction.

“Oh, she’s still in bed with coccidiosis. The doctor doesn’t really know how to cure it or what to do, so I don’t like to really dwell on it.” Atkin replied in a downcast voice.

“Oh. Sorry.”

“You should see him!” Atkin proposed in a sudden, impulsive thought. Obviously, he was not talking about his ailing mother. “Come on, even the dogs are howling at him. They’ve got all the king’s horses and all the king’s men trying to get him down without breaking him into pieces!”

I smacked my forehead with the palm of my hand. “No way,” I replied. “That Humpty Dumpty is way more trouble than I can handle right now.”

I sighed. “Why don’t you just go and let the birds come back?” I suggested. “You scared them away.” Frowning, I pointed to a tree a few meters away where several songbirds hopped from branch to branch, chirping.

He didn’t hear me, not one bit. “Let’s go!” he cried merrily, taking my hand and jerking me along with him in the direction of the castle. I sighed once again, this time in expected defeat. Once Atkin got his mind set on something, there was no stopping him.

As we approached the large fortress, audible noises emanated from the huge crowds gathered there. Anxious cries and livid yells pierced the day, so different from the sounds of the market. On top of the high brick wall – how did he even get up there? – was ‘ole Humpty Dumpty, tottering around unsteadily with his face as scarlet as a fire dragon’s scales. His delusional shouts could be heard even from our distance, but as we got closer they became even clearer.

“Hi ho, my dear lady! Do not fear for I, the handsome knight, shall save you from your prison on this high wall!” Humpty Dumpty inched closer to one of the carved stone monsters perched atop the structure. Its impish figure, even lifeless as it was, seemed to cringe at the mere thought of Humpty defiling its rough stone with his greedy fingers. Emboldened by the beautiful maiden existing only in his insanity, the pudgy man stumbled as he made his way toward the statue, swaying precariously.

By this time, Atkin had let go of my hand and was now watching with wide eyes at the peculiar sight. A sharp gasp escaped from his mouth every time Humpty came close to the edge of the wall and certain death. This happened, by the way, about every two seconds.

Royal guards swarmed around the scene, shouting orders to one another and to Humpty, who of course heard none of it. The king’s personal knights, riding on graceful horses, trotted around the situation but couldn’t seem to find any way to help. Suddenly a huge ladder was leaned up against the wall as a brave guard valiantly volunteered. Hoisting himself onto the ladder, he began to climb – rung by rung. Perhaps they believed if one of them were up there they could… what? What could they do? The guard had now reached the top and, not appearing so certain now that he was thirty feet above the ground, extended his arms in an attempt to balance himself.

“Mr. Dumpty! Please come down immediately!” the guard on the wall ordered, attempting to appear gallant. Humpty Dumpty simply swayed erratically as if in response, and continued to make his way towards the gargoyle.

Abruptly, a flash of maroon and white caught my eye, appearing right beside the stone statue’s deformed head. A small mass of twigs and grass could be seen all collected and snuggled directly between the gargoyle’s horns.

“A bird’s nest!” I whispered to Atkin, jabbing him with my elbow. “The mum doesn’t look to happy about your Dumpty intruder.”

The purple-ish fowl launched itself from the nest, rising into the air with its pure white speckles and then plunging down to stab Humpty with its sharp beak. A somersaulting maneuver allowed the bird to land yet another blow on its quite wide and easily hit target. As Humpty Dumpty lurched from one side to another and tried to regain his balance, the crowd stopped everything they were doing and simultaneously gasped. The guard standing atop the wall just yards away from Humpty could only watch as a final attack from the enraged bird sent Humpty… Dumpty… falling…

Down, down he rushed as the crowd watched in fascinated horror. The red bricks blurred by as the ground swiftly came to meet him. Fat rolls jiggling violently as the air rushed by him, one last word from Humpty rang out through the dead silent air.

That word shall not be repeated here.

With an unsavory legacy to leave behind, Humpty Dumpty was no more after the sickening crack (though slightly muffled by all his fat) sent all to massaging their ears for days after. Though he was a complete moron and a drunk with no self control, even I had to admit his fate was a bit harsh. Humpty never seemed to be a bad person, just a stupid one. In accordance with this thought, a proper ceremony was held and Humpty Dumpty got his burial. There was much celebration and drinking to go along with it, as this is what the townspeople thought he would want at his funeral. Although Humpty Dumpty was a bad influence, he remains as a children’s nursery rhyme in the hearts of many.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men,
Could not put Humpty Dumpty back together again.
Last edited by Daisuki on Sun Mar 13, 2011 7:44 pm, edited 2 times in total.




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This was a really well done story.
The only problem I have is with this paragraph:

Despite his highly appalling habits and inappropriate actions, many of my irritating peers have created a following for him, even giving his nickname a totally irrelevant middle initial, which I suspect they only added so their acronym could be pronounced by the average human being. Their immature club attends and praises all of Humpty’s dangerous and stupid antics, and has been come to be known as the Humpty A. Dumpty’s Always Faithful Followers. Many people refer to it as H.A.D.A.F.F. for short, which sounds more like a drunken man’s sneeze than a club name to me. The organization is made up of two levels of authority: one – the general teenage population, and two – a deputation made up of only the most committed devotees, of which Atkin was one.


It takes away from the story and seems a bit unnecessary to me.
Other than that, I loved it!
Keep up the good work.
Joyce
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You have the itch for writing born in you. It's quite incurable. What are you going to do with it?

― L.M. Montgomery

Review my new poem! Mayflowers




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Yes, I agree. This was originally written as a story for school and we had to use certain vocabulary words. That paragraph was only added to include those words. Thanks for your review!
Oh, I wish I was punk-rocker with flowers in my hair.




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LOL That was amazing XD I don't have anytime to review it right now, but I did want to tell you that I loved it and will be back!! ^_^




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Whoa! This is awesome! I LOVE it! You are an excellent writer!
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Hey Echoes!

Something interesting on Humpty Dumpty... Check out the second point. ;]
My claim to fame is that I live there. Yeah, Colchester's a big place, so I'm not too worried about being tracked down... O.o *shifty look*

Anyway, so on to your story...

NITPICKS

Mothers’ poofy [not a word] danced and swirled as the wearer daintily ran behind their child,

Yeah, this sentence is a little strangely phrased.
Mothers ran behind their children, trying to hold down their oversized dresses which danced and swirled in the gusts of wind.
Meh, that's not much better, but at least I'm not reading over the "the wearer" part and wondering why dresses are chasing children.

trying to make my gaze hold the promise of malignity and obviously express my taciturn demeanor.

Pffft, yeah, I so got that.
Okay, I'm lying. I actually have no clue what some of those words mean.
Taciturn? Malignity? What?
I quickly googled them, but that has yanked me right out of your story. Not good. I am not going to have a dictionary at hand to use after every three words you say. I want to enjoy the story, not your vocabulary. Please nix unnecessarily complicated words and replace them with ones that don't stand out so much.

“’Ole Humpty’s acted up!

Ol'. The apostrophe is for missing words. If you're saying "old", you still have the "o" at the start, so the apostrophe isn't needed there.

...wondering if they should call one of the castle guards to check him out. I smiled and waved the onlookers away nervously, then punched Atkin a good one so that he fell off the bench, still cackling uncontrollably.

Shaddup!” I whispered hoarsely.

I've put all the words which felt too modern to me in bold. they didn't seem to fit in with your story, which feels more medieval..? Especially with
he had a right good reason to be acting so gaily.


I smacked my forehead with the palm of my hand. “No way,” I replied.
Modern, modern, modern... Look at this extract - it could be in any teen story set in a high school.

Here in the 18th century, it seems that all the big villages have at least one idiot and for us, we have – yep, you guessed it – Humpty Dumpty. His real name is probably Henry or Edward or some other common thing, but being squat, pudgy, and totally inept at even chewing and walking at the same time, most people have taken to calling him Humpty Dumpty – a slang term which, in this era, refers to any short and clumsy person. To make the nickname even more fitting, Humpty Dumpty even just happens to be the name for a very strong drink, specifically, brandy boiled with ale. Being a devoted inebriate, it seems he would almost be ecstatic to have such a perfectly fitting title. I doubt he has even spent an entire minute sober, much less the hour or two it takes to sit through an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. No hope for him there, I regret to say.

One reviewer's said this feels out of place. They're right. It feels far too-much of an info-dump. I'm really able to tell this is probably a school project. let me guess... Write a short story of so many words on the slang term "Humpty Dumpy" in the 18th century.
Unfortunately, it's hard to be creative while having to include these clunky things in your story. The reason it stands out? Throughout your story so far, you've been showing, rather than telling - which is what this short paragraph is doing here. Why not include another character who doesn't know about Humpty, and have the character explain to them, that no, he's not referring to a very strong drink. And yes, we've called him that because he is a short, fat fellow.

his face as scarlet as a fire dragon’s scales.

I love, love, love this description. Very well done. (:

Its impish figure, even lifeless as it was, seemed to cringe at the mere thought of Humpty defiling its rough stone with his alcohol-soaked breath and greedy fingers.

Love this, too.

one last word from Humpty rang out through the dead silent air.

That word shall not be repeated here.

That actually made me laugh out loud.

machinations
What?

Although Humpty Dumpty is not alive today, he remains as a children’s nursery rhyme in the hearts of many.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men,
Could not put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

That was quite a sweet ending. But... your MC shouldn't be alive "today" ... unless he's immortal...

LARGE, UNPRONOUNCEABLE WORDS

Seriously, they really got on my nerves. It didn't feel like you were intelligent, it felt like you were trying to be intelligent. Hun, you are. Don't feel like using big words few people have even heard of will change anyone's perception of you. You don't need 'em!
However, don't start using words with only one syllable otherwise we'll feel patronised instead of stupid.

TOO MUCH DESCRIPTION

It got better toward the end, but at first I found it very hard to get through a sentence and still understand clearly what was going on. Use adjectives sparingly. Think of it like an overgrown forest, I have to hack away all those extra words you've got tangling up he sentence so that I can make my way through it.
1)He looked sadly on the tragic scene, pity welling in him for the beautiful, forlorn young maiden, stretched pale and lifeless on the cold, windswept shore.
2)He looked down with pity at the pale girl stretched lifeless on the sand at his feet.
(The Writers Bureau)
Several reasons the second is best... 1) The first is pretty much purple prose 2) It spoils the effect 3) Slows the pace of your story 4) The second might be shorter, but still has as much impact - if not more. 5) The first sounds pretty ridiculous. And I can't think of any more...

Yeah, those were the main things I thought you could improve upon. But I actually really enjoyed this! It was funny, entertaining, and had great moments of wonderful description. I'm sorry if I moaned a little at the end, but if you take care for those two things, you'll be even better.

I hope this helped!

~EmmaJane~
Your = Possession. Your shoes are so sweet!
You're = Omission. You're quite strange...

If you are confused about which to put, simply say in your mind "you are" and see if that fits the sentence. If not, you are looking for your.

Little Macey | Got YWS? | KOTS:BD




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Oh wow...this is a very nice take on the Humpty Dumpty premise! Especially when it's from another person's point of view - very clever to me.

However, there is one thing I wanted to remark on about your work:


Here in the 18th century, it seems that all the big villages have at least one idiot and for us, we have – yep, you guessed it – Humpty Dumpty. His real name is probably Henry or Edward or some other common thing, but being squat, pudgy, and totally inept at even chewing and walking at the same time, most people have taken to calling him Humpty Dumpty – a slang term which, in this era, refers to any short and clumsy person. To make the nickname even more fitting, Humpty Dumpty even just happens to be the name for a very strong drink, specifically, brandy boiled with ale. Being a devoted inebriate, it seems he would almost be ecstatic to have such a perfectly fitting title. I doubt he has even spent an entire minute sober, much less the hour or two it takes to sit through an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. No hope for him there, I regret to say.


Okay, right here is where I feel like I'm being taken back and forth through time periods. The speaker clearly stated that this is happening in the 18th century, and yet he mentioned AA meetings. I'm pretty sure that AA meetings probably did not even exist back then. Make sure that ideas from different time periods do not mix into each other, or the reader will be confused as to how the character knows about it when it doesn't even exist in his time period.

Another thing I want to add is the adverbs. Try to use adverbs sparingly (ha, I used one already!), because adverbs can only take the writing so far as to convey the emotion felt by the character. In other words, use them too much and it'll feel fake to the reader. Show the emotions through action and have the dialogue help you with it too.

Overall, this is an interesting and entertaining piece to read.
A dream is a wish your heart makes-


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I can't quite understand what the story is.....Could you declutter sme parts???
When you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you -Friedrich Nietzsche




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I just loved this story. It was well-written, and the fact that it came from another point of view made it even better.
There was one thing I have to point out though.

my gaze hold the promise of malignity and obviously express my taciturn demeanor.


I understand that this was a school assignment and certain words had to be used, but please don't use two big in the same sentence, let alone four words away from each other. It distracts the reader from the story.

I hope you continue writing! (:



Remember: when people tell you something’s wrong or doesn’t work for them, they are almost always right. When they tell you exactly what they think is wrong and how to fix it, they are almost always wrong.
— Neil Gaiman