High Born Journey part1

Thirteen-year-old Bridgid is tending to her brown-and-white stallion, Ryan, in the stables. I need be certain the halter fits well and that the saddle is not too tight. I would just let the servants take care of Ryan for me, but it feels silly having everyone else do everything for me when I am capable of doing things myself. Bridgid grabs the saddle blanket off the stall door and throws it over Ryan's back. She then turns and walks out of the stall to get a saddle from the supply room.
After saddling and harnessing Ryan, Bridgid mounts and rides toward the palace gardens. She takes a deep breath of the morning air. She can hardly wait to get to the gardens where she has been riding everyday. There is nothing like a raw spring morning on horseback in the gardens. With all the trees and flowers in bloom, it is such a wonderful sight and seeing the beautiful shamrocks that grow all over the island is overwhelming. Sometimes, she even thinks she sees leprechauns or faery folk like her mother.
Half-way there, Bridgid sees several riders coming towards the castle on their horses. Who would send so many people to my father at once? They do not look like farmers. Nor do they look like soldiers. Some of these strangers look to be my age. Others look older than my father. A sharp, cold breeze whips her waist-length, red hair into her face. She shivers from the spring chill in the air. She sits up as they approach and not knowing who they are, turns her stallion and rides back towards her home.
She dashes into the throne room where her father, Kieran, the High King, is and, lifting the hem of her emerald green gown slightly, gives a quick curtsey then proceeds to tell her father what she has seen with fear and concern filling her bright green eyes.
"Bridgid. Stay back! I shall confront these strangers!" Kieran gets up and walks out to confront the riders with the palace guards right behind him.
"Who are ye and what bussiness brings ye here?" Kieran shouts loudly as the riders near where he is standing, hand on the hilt of his sword. The wind blows his shoulder-length, black hair into his face. He quickly pushes it back out of the way and then returns his hand to the hilt of his sword.
"We are but weary travelers seeking refuge from the cold night air at a friend's." A skinny man with white hair about Kieran's age replies with a smile.

Alright, so, that was short, very short.

It is a raw spring day in fifth century Ireland where Bridgid, young daughter of the Ard Ri*, Kieran O'Rielly, is tending to her brown-and-white stallion. Bridgid runs her hand from the great horse's neck to it's hindquarters, mounts and rides toward the palace gardens.

Really? THat was your beginning? Your beginning is what will want your readers to read your story. YOu should show the reader, and let them figure out that it is fifth-century Ireland. What do you mean by Ard Ri*?

Other then that, you use way too much 'does this-does that' test. Smooth it out, show the reader instead of telling.

~WickedWonder

I'm here to review!! ^-^
First of all... I didn't get it... second... it was short... very very short.
I'm suspecting Ard Ri* is... a name/last name? Of a rich/ruler's family? D:
Even though it was short, I do have to agree on wicked, it was like a do-this-do-that kind of thing. You got to put more feelings and details!
Your beginning was quite dull... it didn't really catch my attention but I read it anyway. You want to describe that the story takes place in Ireland through dialogues or details that makes us think. Yes... it was short and confusing, but I am hoping to see it more so that I will figure out this puzzle!

Thanks for your honesty this is my first fantasy story I need all the help I can get!

'Ello Celtic!

My first review of the day >.< I hope this helps you.

Description:

I'm sorry to say I've been bitten by the descriptive bug and I have a tendency to look for it in stories. And I'm sorry me dear, but your piece is greatly lacking. You show and tell throughout this. You need to give it more life, pace yourself. Don't rush, let Bridgid tell the story. Present tense is a little difficult to write, with trying hard not to do the whole show-and-tell thing. If you find you're having difficulties, jump to past tense and see how that goes.

Also, you seem to skim through the first chapter. Why don't you try showing Bridgid saddling her painted stallion? Instead of her thinking what she's supposed to do. It'll give you readers more. And perhaps have her think of how calm his disposition is for a stally [for stallions are rather head strong with most breeds]. Also, maybe you could describe the stables. Other horses? Grooms? Why would the High King's daughter be saddling her own horse? Doesn't that mean she's a princess?

Example:

Tess gazed at her black stallion with sincere fondness. His large, puppy dog like eyes stared back at her, an intelligent glint in their depths. She sighed as she set the brush down onto the ground, having finished brushing his sleek body. He shifted his weight, the muscles in his hindquarters clearly defined. She grabbed the saddle blankets and shifted them into their place upon his back. Soon the lightweight saddle followed.

Of course that's in past tense, but you understand what I mean? Breath a little life into your story, don't hold back. Only you have the ability to make your own story better.

Setting:

I was thinking this was in its own world, until I read the other reviews [which I rarely do]. Like Wicked said, don't tell your reader it is in Ireland. Show. Have your character thinking about the land she's living in. Province, how she feels about being the High King's daughter [I don't know anything about Ireland I'm afraid].

And when she's out riding, let her show the readers how much she enjoys out riding her horse. Perhaps describe the castle and the gardens to some extent. Try and describe where your character is! You're leaving your readers in the dark and they have no idea how to picture the place.

And if you're having troubles with description, I find it's easy to look up pictures and describe them to an extent with some extras here and there.

Others:

If this is a castle [which seems to be devoid of life besides the High King and Bridgind] and Kieran is the High King, why would it be so strange that riders are coming in. How did she know they were strangers? Could they not have been soldiers or guards? Or farmers, mercs, etc? How did she know they were strangers? And why would it be of concern? Unless there is a war or feud is going on. And, where are the guards? Why would the king have to use steel himself against these strangers?

I'm a little confused and sorry about the questions. This isn't thought out completely and I'm trying to help you understand that you're leaving plenty out.

Overall:

It sounds interesting, but you need to breath more life into this. And give it more of a story. This is merely the skeleton of one. You need to expand. But you left off at a good place, leaving a nice hook on the end there. Good job there!

If you have any questions or concerns feel free to PM me or hop over to my guestbook I'll be glad to help!

Toodles!

Meadow

Hey CMG, Stella here, as promised!

Be certain the halter fits well. Good! The saddle is not too tight, that is good.

Is she commanding herself in her mind? That's a little odd.

Bridgid runs her hand from the great horse's neck to it's hindquarters,

its. Remember, he's, she's, it's, his, her, its. Simple!

*= High King

Just a nitpick- it's Ard Rí- if you don't know how to get a fada on the i, look to see if you have an "Alt Gr" button next to your spacebar. That's how I get them.

II. NATURAL WRITING

In your head now, I want you to think of your three favourite novels. Go get them off the shelf, and read the first few pages of each, then try and compare the differences between them and what you've written.

It's all about seeming natural. Even in books with quite formal language- think of the classics, maybe- everything flows as if it just came out of the author's mind in perfect streams. Which, of course, it didn't. It took drafts and drafts for them to get there. But it's how it seems that's important.

My first bit of advice, and the best I can give you, is relax. If you enjoy writing something, chances are that we'll enjoy reading it! Have some fun with it. Even if what you write is silly, you can always go back and change it later.

Secondly, don't name drop so much. I don't go round calling myself, "Stella, the young daughter of the postman, John Thomas" (partly because that's not my real name and my father's not a postman, but whatever). I'd call myself Stella. I wouldn't call my horse my "brown-and-white stallion" I'd call it Buttercup or whatever stupid name I'd give it. When I see riders, before running to my father, I'd take in what they were wearing, how far away they are, and my writer would talk a bit about my emotions.

It's important to have your voice, but with Bridgid as your MC, it's important to give her a part of that voice. Make her thoughts sound like that of a teenage princess, not of a cardboard cut-out in your head.

III. OVERALL

It's a good idea for a beginning, but you need to work on your expression a little to impress your reader

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

Hi,
First, i would like to say that was really good for a first try. You tried to improve your story writing skills in fantasy :

Celticmusicgirl wrote:Thanks for your honesty this is my first fantasy story I need all the help I can get!

. You should consider practicing more in creating an image for the reader to drag him into the story. You can also try to make your story a little bit longer as well as supporting your reader of a more detailed discribtion of characters and feelings inside the story.
Keep on the good work and keep practicing every day
Good luck,
I hope i helped.

Hey, Celtic!
I like what you have so far! Let me know when you post more!

Overall, I liked the idea of it. The title certainly catches the eye (why would it be untitled?). I do hope, however, that there is another part coming to this. I also hope they truly turn out to be short stories, because this ended sort of chapter-ish. It seems like an excellent beginning to a novel, a little too short and unexplanitory for a short story. But yeah, I liked it.
Interesting points were brought up, like the opening paragraph not being too clear, and why such a high-born lady was attending her own horse (although this s another thing I like about the story; the heroine isn't super-stuckup or anything). I agree, just relax and let the story tell itself, or it will continue to sound a little awkward, kind of choppy.
It just needs a little overall work, so just smooth it out, and keep with it.

Hi Celtic! Lavvi at your service.

As many others have already edited and pointed out the errors of this piece, I am simply going to give you my opinion of this short work and perhaps things that you could work at. Please keep in mind that these are merely suggestions.

OPINION...in short

This story definitely has potential, like all pieces do, if you work at it. I got a feeling that you had forced this piece almost, and, like Stella said, just relax. In fact, I agree very much with Stella and what she said I also didn't feel the characters, if you know what I mean. I want to get to know Bridgid a little more, and frankly, I don't care much about her horse or his name unless he shows to be a prominent figure in this story of yours.

SUGGESTIONS...in short

Please go over your works before you post them up here on YWS. While I read through your piece, I located a few grammatical errors and sentence structure problems. It is only a matter of correcting the conjunctions of "it" etc. Also, I suggest more detail in your sentences, but not overly so.

All in all, I thought it was good and had potential

Lavvi