Girl in Blue

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A small girl in blue sat all alone on the playground at recess. She watched all the other children silently as they played. She calculated their motions, imagining the parabola paths that their flying footballs followed; she guesstimated the speed that the swings were going, wondering what the height of their high point was. She listened to them laughing and could pick out the words they used to describe her- the petty, juvenile words. Gross, cooties, and weird were just a few. They tried to be quiet but they did not know the secret she carried with her gave her more knowledge than they could hope to aquire before graduating high school, including lip reading and a sharp hearing.
She regarded the two main groups. One, a group of boys, looked innocent enough as they passed a little ball around, but she could hear their conversation, and it was not exactly innocent. They spat out her names and listed the things that they had heard about her family. I heard they eat babies for breakfast, one said. No, they eat dogs for breakfast. Babies are for dinner, another boy responded in all seriousness. The oldest boy, the leader, made a final statement- we will stay safe and stay away from her. The other boys agreed without a moment of hesitation.
The second posse was of all girls. The girls sat on the jungle gym platform, obviously talking about something. Only she could hear them, mostly because only she cared. She is so ugly, one said; look at that mass of hair. Why would she braid it every single day? And she is just so stupid. The rest agreed. You know, said the youngest girl, her family is not human? They came from outer space and are trying to eat our brains. At this, a few girls jumped. Estelle, stop, the oldest said sternly. You are eight now, you need to act like it and not take cheap scares. The youngest replied that it was the truth, the truth, but the leader was no longer listening. The new topic was silly bands- and who had the most.
She got up off of the bench. She looked carefully- the two teachers that were supposed to be watching them were deep in conversation about who had a better divorce lawyer. The girl walked behind the bench and through a kickball field. The boys playing stopped, watched, and gave her a wide berth. She kept walking right into the woods, and not one of the boys tattled, simply because they were afraid.
In the woods, she felt free. School was an absolute burden, the fact that she had to pretend to learn things. She wished for the millionth time that she had requested the body of an older person- college age or older. When the order form came in, they had not explained to duties of each age group. Her age group had to pretend to be stupid and immature. Teens had to be whiny and slightly more mature. Twenties were calm and cool and had to have a job; thirties were frazzled and had to pretend to be looking for a spouse. White- hairs had to move slowly, but could act every bit like themselves, wise and intelligent.
In the woods, she sat down and pulls out what looks like a cell phone, dialed a few numbers and disappeared.
Everyone yells at her. What if they see, her mother asked again and again. Her father spouts stuff about how she has to keep up the façade, and that they need to stay concealed.
In the quick, clipped tones of their normal language, she tells them to shut up and storms off the her room. In her room, she strips off the suit she wears. From a small fridge she grabs a bottle of nutrition, the good and tasty stuff imported from her planet. Nothing, including babies and puppies, were nutritious enough for anyone from off world to survive.
She plopped down on her nest and cried. Even if it was dangerous to make friends, she did not want to be all alone anymore. She pulled the same cell- phone looking thing from a table nearby and disappeared again.
She confidently walked out of the woods, back into the kickball field. There was another class out playing now, since all of the fourth graders had gone in. The boys took one look and screamed. Except one- she knew it would happen. One of the kids in the recess after hers, a second grader, was another off- planet, bet she had never been able to make friends, since they were two years apart. But now she had left her suit at home and had thrown caution to the winds.
Friends? She asked, holding out the equivalent of a hand. He nods and walks over to her, just as the teachers come into view. He looks arrogantly back at the teachers.
Idiots, he remarks in the natural off world language. He strips off his suit as she pulls out her cell- phone looking thing. Too fast for the eyes of the rest of the people, the two friends leave, leaving a pile of his suit that looks like simply skins and clothes. The two teachers scream bloody murder.
Last edited by EmiAnne on Sat Nov 27, 2010 6:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow"
-mary anne radmacher




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I think that you did a good job of describing the girl in blue and her emotions.You portray the humans in the story as self absorbed ,idiots and the aliens as intelligent and caring. In most fantasy stories the aliens are evil, so I thought that it was good that you stayed away from cliches. I noticed one weird sentence in the story
Even if it was dangerous to make friends, she wanted to be not alone.
I think it would sound better if you said: "Even though it was dangerous to make friends she could not bare to be alone anymore." Hopefully my review helps you. Fiction




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EmiAnne wrote:A small girl in blue sat all alone on the playground at recess. Try sing a sentence that will hook the reader in more She watched all the other children silently as they played. She calculated their motions, imagining the parabola paths that their flying footballs followed; she guesstimated the speed that the swings were going, wondering what the height of their high point was. She listened to them laughing and could pick out the words they used to describe her- the petty, juvenile words. Gross, cooties, and weird were just a few. They tried to be quiet but they did not know the secret she carried with her gave her more knowledge than they could hope to aquire before graduating high school, including lip reading and a sharp hearing.It was a great first paragraph, that really used a lot of detail. The only thing that I would recommend is that you change the first couple sentences so it hooks the reader in more.
She regarded the two main groups. One, a group of boys, looked innocent enough as they passed a little ball around, but she could hear their conversation, and it was not exactly innocent. They spat out her names and listed the things that they had heard about her family. I heard they eat babies for breakfast, one said. No, they eat dogs for breakfast. Babies are for dinner, another boy responded in all seriousness. The oldest boy, the leader, made a final statement- we will stay far away from her. The other boys agreed without a moment of hesitation.
The second posse included all girls. The girls sat on the jungle gym platform, obviously talking about something. Only she could hear them, mostly because only she cared.I'm confused about that sentence Only she could hear them, mostly because only she cared. Is she referring to the posse of girls or the other girl. She is so ugly, one said; look at that mass of hair. Why would she braid it every single day? And she is just so stupid. The rest agreed. You know, said the youngest girl, her family is not human? They came from outer space and are trying to eat our brains. At this, a few girls jumped. Estelle, stop, the oldest said sternly. You are eight now, you need to act like it and not take cheap scares. The youngest replied that it was the truth, the truth, but the leader was no longer listening. The new topic was silly bands- and who had the most.The idea in the sentence is good but it doesn't seem to flow. Try saying something like She changed the topic from the girl to silly bands, and was now comparing how many she had to the others.
She got up off of the bench. She looked carefully- the two teachers that were supposed to be watching them were deep in conversation about who had a better divorce lawyer. The girl walked behind the bench and through a kickball field. The boys playing stopped, watched, and gave her a wide berth. She kept walking right into the woods, Why would there be woods so close to a school, so that kids could just watch into it and not one of the boys tattled, simply because they were afraid.
In the woods, she felt free. School was an absolute burden, the fact that she had to pretend to learn things. She wished for the millionth time that she had requested the body of an older person- college age or older. When the order form came in, they had not explained to duties of each age group. Her age group had to pretend to be stupid and immature. Teens had to be whiny and slightly more mature. Twenties were calm and cool and had to have a job; thirties were frazzled and had to pretend to be looking for a spouse. White- hairs had to move slowly, but could act every bit like themselves, wise and intelligent.
In the woods, she sat down and pulledout what looks like a cell phone, dialed a few numbers and disappeared.
Everyone yells at her. What if they see, her mother asked again and again. Her father spouts stuff about how she has to keep up the façade, and that they need to stay concealed. I am so confused. You are transitioning without explaining and I am lost.
In the quick, clipped tones of their normal language, she tells them to shut up and storms off the her room. In her room, she strips off the suit she wears. From a small fridge she grabs a bottle of nutrition, the good and tasty stuff imported from her planet. Nothing, including babies and puppies, were nutritious enough for anyone from off world to survive.
She plopped down on her nest and cried. Even if it was dangerous to make friends, she did not want to be all alone anymore. She pulled the same cell- phone looking thing from a table nearby and disappeared again.
She confidently walked out of the woods, back into the kickball field. There was another class out playing now, since all of the fourth graders had gone in. The boys took one look and screamed. Except one- she knew it would happen. One of the kids in the recess after hers, a second grader, was another off- planet, bet hehad never been able to make friends, since they were two years apart. But now she had left her suit at home and had thrown caution to the winds.
Friends? She asked, holding out the equivalent of a hand. He nods and walks over to her, just as the teachers come into view. He looks arrogantly back at the teachers.
Idiots, he remarks in the natural off world language. He strips off his suit as she pulls out her cell- phone looking thing. Too fast for the eyes of the rest of the people, the two friends leave, leaving a pile of his suit that looks like simply skins and clothes. The two teachers scream bloody murder.



This was a great story. I loved the idea and the description you used. The only thing I didn't like was that point of view you wrote it from. I would have preferred first person, because when you wrote it in third person, it was hard to follow along. Some sentences were short and choppy and didn't really make sense. I was especially confused whem she went home to her parents and was having a discussion with them and in the end when she made a friend with the second grader that was also from her plantet. Also you didn't tell the setting(except for that it's a school) or the time frame which made it hard to follow along. This story has a lot of potential, but there are some things that should be fixed. Other than that I LOVED the idea.

P.S. Is this just one story or are you going to be continuing it.
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Hey there, LPR to review!
Nice story, I hope you decide to continue this! Please message me when you post more! It's very gripping and leaves the reader begging for the facts behind the story.

Nitpicks:
she guesstimated the speed that the swings were going, wondering what the height of their high point was.

I personally would say 'peak of their high point' height and high both sound the same.

Okay, wait what? What's going on? I really did like this story. But, at first it's deathly boring, then it grips you and doesn’t let go. Also, please do not forget to use quotation marks!

Grammatical errors:

"I heard they eat babies for breakfast," one said. "No, they eat dogs for breakfast. Babies are for dinner," another boy responded in all seriousness. The oldest boy, the leader, made a final statement- "we will stay safe and stay away from her." The other boys agreed without a moment of hesitation.

Don't forget quotation marks.

She is so ugly, one said; look at that mass of hair. Why would she braid it every single day? And she is just so stupid. The rest agreed. You know, said the youngest girl, her family is not human? They came from outer space and are trying to eat our brains. At this, a few girls jumped. Estelle, stop, the oldest said sternly. You are eight now, you need to act like it and not take cheap scares. The youngest replied that it was the truth, the truth, but the leader was no longer listening.

Same instance here.






Fahrvergnügen. (Disregard this)
Star light; star bright,
It is time to take flight.
Off I go through the dark of night.
All my hopes and dreams in sight.




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I'm not really one to point out errors, because everyone is human and everyone makes mistakes. I thought that it was a very interesting piece. I've read hundreds of stories and books and never come across something quite like this. You should keep up the good work and maybe try writing a novel on here. If you do, I'll read and review again!
Have a wonderful day,
-Kit




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I loved the story. I could relate so much, because I was a little girl who would walk by the kickball field and playground, just to hear what people where saying about me. And I used too run to the woods during recess. I thought it was somewhat confusing at some parts, you gave a lot of detail in some parts, but not enough in others. I thought it was a great story, and you are a great writer. I loved the ending the most. I hope this was somewhat helpful.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the box. I might not be the prettiest, shiniest or favorite. I might not be anything to anyone, but yet I'm still in the box.

There's nothing wrong with you. There's a lot wrong with the world you live in. - Chris Colfer

I love you all, and thank you for reading my posts




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Hellos! Thank you for commenting everybody...
The formatting is weird (no quotes, 3rd person) because this was a part of my NaNo, with a character telling a story. I am going to revise all sorts of things like making it first person pov and using quotations and making the first paragraph better.
Again, thank you sooooo much for the reviews and all of everything is going to go through an editting overhaul once November is over. =]
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow"
-mary anne radmacher




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Hi there
there is one thing that confused me in this
she sat down and pulls out what looks like a cell phone

you are using two diffrent tenses, past and present. you should either make sat sit, or pulls pulled.
this piece is definantly what it must feel like to be going to another school. All of the gossip and taunting.
Most people who go through things like that must wish that they had one of those "cell phones".
At least, sometimes I wish I had one.
Just fix those tenses and this is a great story!
Felix Windbow.



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