Theokrone (A small excerpt from my fantasy novel debut)

During the age of Theokrone, before the endless vegetation throughout the plains had grown from rich and tender soil, or the towering mountains of the north had pierced through the more fragile atmosphere which kept the heavens in motion; there was the Syrieng.
Theokrone, at its heart, began as an expanse of absent color and neutrality. The existence of a separation of distinction had not yet come to be, until an array of tension carved a path through the desolate abyss. Destined cracks bled through the expanse unnoticed to the naked eye, but nevertheless a transparent wire was strung out; at length to forever float amongst the inanimateness of origin. As it drifted lifelessly, one end swaying like the bellow of the wind and the equivalent side like an untamable storm; such intermittent actions discovered their ‘key hole’ counterparts. However small they may have been, these sudden connections of puzzle like convenience; it was more certain that they represented ‘the unknown’ of the abyss and what more left there was to unearth. And so, the struggle of direction and destination for ‘ends’ to meet thus produced the deities amidst the age of Theokrone: a positive and a negative.
Like all Gods, perhaps even in expanses beyond this one, they hungered to achieve ambition like the tiger to which names himself king after an arduous prance through conflict and bestial sacrifice. Though absent of time, the scale of days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months which eventually ruptured themselves into the years just before the Syrieng. As the absence existed, so did the being’s adventures into their individual and uniquely adapted understanding of an inner might: an entity. Each of the gods was possessed by such strength. The positive god, Vitunne, had infused the celebration of balance and existence together hoping to create beauty not only received by the eye of the beholder. On the opposite spectrum, however, there was a deprivation of fertility and sympathy jutting through the abyss as if the mere actuality of fire was born from dominion. Therefore, the god of negativity sought after devastation and the suffering of emotion, calling himself: Malyste.



Dear Readers,
This is an excerpt from my first fantasy novel debut! It is almost finished, but I think if any part speaks for itself about the novel, it would be this part.
I hope you enjoyed it, as it is a very clear sign of what is to come and how it is written. I've read a lot of your comments about my other works and since have re-adjusted most of my work to fit your critiques. I hope it was for the better Anywho, I can't wait to share the rest with you...
-The Written Chef

Greetings,

This is a very good starting! I think it's okay and please post the other chapters when you're done writing it. And most of all, I would like to say good luck for your fantasy novel. Never get up in writing okay?

Keep writing,
Alicia.

Hey there!

This was very well written and it sounds like a fascinating setting for a story. I really hope you post more here! But while this extract certaintly made for an interesting read, if I'm being honest I think that if I was reading a whole novel's worth of it then I would find it quite hard going. The style felt very heavy to me; at times it was like you were using words just for the sake of it, even though they didn't really add much to the description, and as I reader I was pretty confused at some points. For example, I had to reread this part a couple of times:

The existence of a separation of distinction had not yet come to be

and it still didn't make that much sense to me, I think because "a seperation of distinction" is such a vague phrase.

Another example of the words not quite fitting is:

weeks turned into months which eventually ruptured themselves into the years just before the Syrieng

"Ruptured" is a very harsh word and suggests ripping and tearing, which to me it doesn't really fit with the floating, listless atmosphere, almost like limbo, that you have running through the rest of the extract.

But all the same it has a lot of potential and it'll be interesting to see how the story pans out.

Keep writing!

This seems to be inspired at least partly by Lovecraft's lush diction. I really can't tell you whether I liked this excerpt or not, mainly because I didn't understand most of it at all: key holes? Destined cracks? As it's been pointed out before, "separation of destinction"? Was the entire excerpt literal or more of a metaphor for something? Navigating through a maze of strange wording is good, but in small doses. It helps add a degree of sophistication to your work, but writing exclusively in such a style will prove difficult to read. If you did, in fact, seek to imitate Lovecraft or another similarly long-winded author (I've been there myself), my advice to you is to try less complicated language first. It is very, very difficult to write well in 100-dollar words.

That being said, right in the same excerpt is an amazing example of exotic diction being done well: the last two sentences of the final paragraph made shivers go up my spine. I imagined a grotesque abomination born from hellfire, and the words "god of negativity" go very well together to form a picture of something giant and oozing evil out of every pore.

The final point I have to offer is very much up for debate. You practiced a bit of infodumping there, and I myself am a fan of seeing the backstory inside the world rather than spelled out for me. If the creation of your world is a mystery, then a character should read it off long-forgotten runes in an ancient ruin by the edge of the known lands. If it is widely known, it should be discussed between characters in small, off-to-the-side remarks that eventually come together to reveal the bigger picture to the reader. If there is physical evidence of the world's creation in your story, then having two characters walk by the enormous chasm splitting the world in half and commenting on it is the best way to go.

At the end of the day, I have to say that if you wrote the entire novel in this style, I would seriously look back and simplify it a little bit. The language, at least for me, is just way too thick to see anything else. The content, as much as I understood of it, looks engaging, mysterious, and full of potential, but the language might be a barrier if you want to keep your reader hooked. Best of luck.

First of all, I want to agree that this was well-written and well-polished, and probably has a great deal of potential. I don't want to depress you in that respect.
But to be completely honest, I found it rather uninteresting. I mean it only in that opening with ancient history in how the world was created has been done many many times before, and it always turns out the same way- slow-moving and rather dry.
I personally think it gets this affect because, as of now, your reader has no reason to really care how the world was formed. Perhaps give us, your readers, characters or something to latch onto, to be interested in or care about, and give us a reason to care to discover how the world is formed or why it's important. Becuase, truthfully, if you've only included this beginning intro of the formation of the world because it sounds cool or is well written (which it is, don't get me wrong) then I would leave it out.
Cut to the chase and introduce your main characters, or however your story starts. Open with something to snag the reader's interest. Then, latter on, and only as your plot needs it, you can work in the details about the beginning of time. Maybe as ancient folklore or something. Anyway, that's just my opinion.
I didn't see any grammar or spelling errors, other than a few awkward wordings mentioned above, so grats on that as well.
Good luck with your novel!

Thank you all for your comments, they were exceptionally helpful! Perhaps there is indeed a different approach that I must take in writing something such as this. Appararently it was a very well written, boring pre-quel. That sucks, but hey what can a man do right?
Anywho, I'll take what I've learned here and hopefully produce something again soon. I work all the time, so it's hard to find a peaceable stay for rest and written imaginations. I do try though, do try.

Again thank you all,
The Written Chef

And who is Lovecraft, Lol? I didn't actually write this, so that I would be compared with an equal! I wrote it because of whats been stirring in my head, yet obviously someone has ventured there before. I must be made aware of this character or author or whoever. Thanks
-The Written Chef