school wars beginning

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school wars

The day was dark, and my eyes grew huge. This was it. The beginning. We all sat in the gym, tenth through thirteenth years. No one was here except us.

"Hey sin-sin, how did we get here?" i asked my friend. He looked at me as if he just noticed where we were.

"Huh? oh! When did you get here ken? I fell asleep like usual last night. And it was as if i was in a daze just now.... why are we in the gym?"

I looked around as sin rubbed his eyes. Others were waking up around us, looking everywhere. The chatter grew. I felt a tug on my sleeve. "Ken, look. There's a flat screen t.v. over there on the wall. It didn't use to be there, did it?" sin asked.


I looked back at my one friend. Only i knew his secret. "No, it didn't. I'm going to check it out. This is just too weird." i told him.


I tried to stand, but my muscles throbbed and ached. I flopped back on the bleachers. Sin placed a hand on my shoulder. "Are you alright ken?"

I managed to nod, despite the pain of moving. What was wrong with me? Was i sick? No, it couldn't happen here, anywhere but here. I had to stop, and that meant moving. I used all of my will to not fall as i stood again. I noticed everyone else was okay. Every step to the stairs along the aile hurt. I turned and walked down the metal steps, my combat boots clunking; and my chains clinking against each other. A lot of people watched me as i made my way to the tiled floor.

I could hear sin's voice in my head, "Are you really okay ken? it looked like you were having another episode." I pictured his worried face and felt a twinge of guilt.



"I'm sorry sin. You don't need to worry, I'm fine. The pain faded already. I'm just going to see about this t.v." I sent my thought out to him. I felt his 'okay' in my head as I reached the t.v.


Just what was it doing here? I searched it over until i found a switch. I flicked it, and the t.v. sent out a hologram. It was the president of region 19.

The electronic voice droned, "Hello, elder graders of the second region 19 school. You are all in your gym right now, waking from your sleeping life. The reason being, that you all have been submitted to participate in the new military program. All of the graders from tenth to seventeenth years in the world are here. The legals from eighteenth to infinity years are all up in space, orbiting in a space station at this moment. You will fight each other for survival. You have your identification patches in the compartment under this hologram t.v. The last ones standing after the four to five year trial will lead the world into the new age. If you are injured, the wound will heal due to an experimental gas we have released into the air. The best advice to give is to stick together as you try to make it to oasis location. It is somewhere in the Rockies. Whichever groups get there first will be treated and pampered, and be acknowledged as the winners. Along with the i.d's, you will find weapons of all sorts.There is enough for each of you, so keep them safe." The hologram darkened, and disappeared back into the t.v.

I was okay with this surprise. It might sound evil, or cruel. But the truth is, that's the way the new earth had become after hundreds of years of over development. Old earth had eventually became overpopulated, and people from every continent left to live on mars. That included my cousin and his family. The trouble was over for now, but there was a repercussion for letting the population overgrow for so long. To survive, a lot of people went savage, not in the literal sense, such as being a caveman again, but more where society became much colder and harsher for everyone. Our thinking process just adapted to the tougher world. Me and my family were third generation people of new earth, so we still thought that way. But I've noticed that as i get older, these thoughts have been fading, hardly occurring now. I still took this as no surprise, it was for survival, and we really didn't have a choice.


"Ken, what's happening?" sin asked telepathically, interrupting my thoughts."I know you heard sin. We have to face the others living on new earth. This will be hard."


I flashed my scanner ring on the symbol, and then a secret door slid open. Vests flew out, along with spiked symbols of our school. One of each flew to me, and the rest went to the people on the bleachers. The symbol lodged itself in my left wrist, puncturing the skin.

A few moments later, i heard sin in my head, "Ouch! This thing went into my wrist ken! Are these the i.d's the region 19 president talked about?" "Yeah, and i think we have to wear these thin vests." I sent.


The vest attached itself to my torso, overlapping my black camo tank top. A felt a prin picking along my spine. I figured it was the vest intertwining into my nervous system. The other graders were having the vests attached as well. The president of thirteenth year stood up. The rest of the grade years followed suite, and the all got down to the floor. The grade president approached me as the others were chattering and inspecting the new equipment.


"Hello, Juno." I greeted the president. "Hey ken. Thanks for taking action first. So what are we going to do? I think we should stick together, and do our best to survive." he said. i nodded in agreement.

As the pres left, sin trotted up. "Ken, how do these work?" he asked out loud.

I shrugged, and thought of having a pistol. If i was correct, the vest would respond. It went down my right arm, and a pistol formed in my hand. Sin gasped as the vest retreated.

"That's so cool ken! So it responds to our thoughts?" Sin's vest made a bow, and an arrow. "Whoa! I just thought of having this!" he said. I put the safety on my pistol, and pocketed it. "Lets leave sin. We should start heading out if we want to escape the war." I said.

Me and him walked ahead of the crowd, and out the side doors. Everyone followed. We spotted the guys before they noticed us. They were from the 3rd school of region 19, And they were carrying rifles. This war was already off to a bad start. Lightning flashed and it started to rain. The 3rd scholars had stopped and were looking at us now, anticipating, waiting to see what we were going to do. Make the first move or the last. My fingers brushed against the pistol in my pocket. I noticed every movement they made from across the street that was littered with abandoned cars. A sudden pain flashed through my body. The throbbing and aching from before returned in waves. Oh crap. It was coming again, another episode. I couldn't have it happen in front of everyone. I hated this curse. The pain increased, almost as if it responded to my hatred for it. It was to much to bear. I fell to my knees on the sidewalk.

"Ken! are you okay?! Your having an episode, aren't you! You shouldn't have gone on, idiot!" I heard sin screaming in my head. I vaguely heard the voices of everyone around me. My breathing became labored.This was the worst possible time for this to happen.

I glanced sideways at sin. "I'm sorry ken." he whispered.


I knew what was coming next. He took the arrow and made a slice all the way from my shoulder to my wrist. Blood soon dripped off my arm, and mixed with water around me. Here it comes. The intense focus and energy from escaping an episode. It was like an adrenaline rush. It still had its side effects, but they were usually good. I saw the world in super slow motion when i brought my head up. We were charging each other, sin was kneeling next to me, holding the bloody arrow. I stood up, and ran over to the other group, where i made rope from my vest. Once they were all tied up and on the ground, i ran back to the spot where i fell. As soon as i went back to my knees, the intense slow motion ended, and the world went back to normal. The front line of our group stopped, and stared at the struggling 3rd scholars on the ground. Sin helped me to stand.


"Sorry i had to cut you. But at least you fixed it ken." he said in my mind. "Lets run while we can guys!" i shouted into the frigid air. Me and sin took off up the sidewalk along with everyone else. This was okay after all.


( there might be a second part, or chapter. if any one's interested...? please review!)
Last edited by darkfictionboys on Wed Jul 21, 2010 3:17 pm, edited 3 times in total.
giving up does not always mean your weak, sometimes it just means your strong enough to let go. freaks are people too. i love to hate, and i hate to love. i am me, i will never change. "thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably the reason why so few engage in it"-henry ford




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Capitalize first letter of a sentence:The day was dark, and my eyes grew huge. This was it. the beginning. we all sat in the gym, 10th through 13th years. no one was here except us. "_ (Don't need a space here)hey sin-sin, how did we get here?" I asked my friend. he looked at me as if he just noticed where we were. "_huh? oh! when did you get here ken? i fell asleep like usual last night. and it was as if i was in a daze just now.... why are we in the gym?" i looked around as sin rubbed his eyes. others were waking up around us, looking everywhere. the chatter grew. i felt a tug on my sleeve. " ken, look. there's a flat screen t.v. over there on the wall.

(Make a different paragraph for each different person speaking)

The part in purple should be changed... The 'didn't' doesn't work there.
It didn't use to be there, did it?" (Capitalize a name)Sin asked. (Capitalize 'I')i looked back at my one friend. only i knew his secret. " no, it didn't. I'm going to check it out. this is just too weird." i told him. i tried to stand, but my muscles throbbed and ached. i flopped back on the bleachers. sin placed a hand on my shoulder. " are you alright ken?" i managed to nod, despite the pain of moving. what was wrong with me? was i sick? no, it couldn't happen here, anywhere but here. i had to stop, and that meant moving. i used all of my will to not fall as i stood again. i noticed everyone else was okay. every step to the stairs along the aile hurt. i turned and walked down the metal steps, my combat boots clunking; and my chains clinking against each other. a lot of people watched me as i made my way to tiled floor. i could hear sin's voice in my head, " are you really okay ken? it looked like you were having another episode." i pictured his worried face and felt a twinge of guilt.



"_I'm sorry sin. you don't need to worry, I'm fine. the pain faded already. I'm just going to see about this t.v." i sent my thought out to him. i felt his 'okay' in my head as i reached the t.v. just what was it doing here? i searched it over until i found a switch. i flicked it, and the t.v. sent out a hologram. it was the president of region 19. the electronic voice droned, " hello, elder graders of the 2nd region 19 school. you are all in your gym right now from your sleeping life. the reason being, that you all have been submitted to participate in the new military program. all of the graders from 10th to 17th years in the world are here. the legals from 18th to infinity years are all up in space, orbiting in a space station at this moment. you will fight each other for survival. you have your identification patches in the compartment under this hologram t.v. the last ones standing after the four to five year trial will lead the world into the new age. if you are injured, the wound will heal due to an experimental gas we have released into the air. the best advice to give is to stick together as you try to make it to oasis location. it is somewhere in the Rockies. whichever groups get there first will be treated and pampered, and be acknowledged as the winners. along with the i.d's, you will find weapons of all sorts.



there is enough for each of you, so keep them safe." the hologram darkened, and disappeared back into the t.v. " ken, what's happening?" sin asked telepathically. " i know you heard sin. we have to face the others living on new earth. this will be hard." i flashed my scanner ring on the symbol, and then a secret door slid open. vests flew out, along with spiked symbols of our school. one of each flew to me, and the rest went to the people on the bleachers. the symbol lodged itself in my left wrist, puncturing the skin. a few moments later, i heard sin in my head, " ouch! this thing went into my wrist ken! are these the i.d's the region 19 president talked about?" " yeah, and i think we have to wear these thin vests." i sent. the vest attached itself to my torso, overlapping my black camo tank top. a felt a prin picking along my spine. i figured it was the vest intertwining into my nervous system. the other graders were having the vests attached as well. the president of 13th year stood up. the rest of the grade years followed suite, and the all got down to the floor. the grade president approached me as the others were chattering and inspecting the new equipment. " hello, Juno." i greeted the president. " hey ken. thanks for taking action first. so what are we going to do? i think we should stick together, and do our best to survive." he said. i nodded. as the pres left, sin trotted up. " ken, how do these work?" he asked out loud. i shrugged, and thought of having a pistol. if i was correct, the vest would respond. it went down my right arm, and a pistol formed in my hand. sin gasped as the vest retreated. " that's so cool ken! so it responds to our thoughts?


" sin's vest made a bow, and an arrow. "whoa! i just thought of having this!" he said. i put the safety on my pistol. and pocketed it. " lets leave sin. we should start heading out if we want to escape the war." i said. me and him walked ahead of the crowd, and out the side doors. everyone followed. we first spotted the guys before they noticed us. they were from the 3rd school of region 19, and they were carrying rifles. this war was already off to a bad start. lightning flashed and it started to rain. the 3rd scholars had stopped and were looking at us now, anticipating, waiting to see what we were going to do. make the first move or the last. my fingers brushed against the pistol in my pocket. i noticed every movement they made from across the street that was littered with abandoned cars. a sudden pain flashed through my body. the throbbing and aching from before returned in waves. oh crap. it was coming again, another episode. i couldn't have it happen in front of everyone. i hated this curse. the pain increased, and then it was to much to bear. i fell to my knees on the sidewalk. " ken! are you okay?! your having an episode, aren't you! you shouldn't have gone on, idiot!" i heard sin screaming in my head. i vaguely heard the voices of everyone around me. my breathing became labored.





this was the worst possible time for this to happen. i glanced sideways at sin. " I'm sorry ken." he whispered. i knew what was coming next. he took the arrow and made a slice all the way from my shoulder to my wrist. blood soon dripped off my arm, and mixed with water around me. here it comes. the intense focus from escaping an episode. it still had its side effects, but they were good. i saw the world in super slow motion when i brought my head up. we were charging each other, sin was kneeling next to me, holding the bloody arrow. i stood up, and ran over to the other group, where i made rope from my vest. once they were all tied up and on the ground, i ran back to the spot where i fell. as soon as i went back to my knees, the intense slow motion ended, and the world went back to normal. the front line of our group stopped, and stared at the struggling 3rd scholars on the ground. sin helped me to stand.



" sorry i had to cut you. but at least you fixed it ken." he said in my mind. " lets run while we can guys!" i shouted into the frigid air. me and sin took off up the sidewalk along with everyone else. this was okay after all.


Good story, I liked it. Just a few grammar, word choice, spelling, and punctuation errors. Keep writing! ~Megg!
Everybody sing like it’s the last song you will ever sing,
(Tell me, tell me do you feel the pressure?)
Everybody live like it’s the last day you will ever see.
(Tell me, tell me do you feel the pressure?)
~Paramore (because I'm a parawhore)




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thanks for the help meggwriting!! and the review!!! i appreciate it! I'll fix it!:)
giving up does not always mean your weak, sometimes it just means your strong enough to let go. freaks are people too. i love to hate, and i hate to love. i am me, i will never change. "thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably the reason why so few engage in it"-henry ford




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NUUUUUUUUUUUUUU. STUPID COMPUTER. Uber-long review in progress. Computer made me back up to another page, and when I got back... Review went bye-bye. *facepalm.* SIGH. Okay. Let's try this again. May be a condensed version.

"This was it. The beginning." That line is way overdone, and it feels like you're trying too hard to build suspense. The reader can feel that. Besides which, Ken has no way of knowing something's happening yet. For him and his friends, it's an ordinary day that's slowly turning into something not so ordinary. They have no idea where they even ARE, so they can't really know that something's 'beginning' yet.

Capitalization: Needs to be done on names, I, TV, the TITLE(!). Seeing something riddled with easily-fixable errors makes us think the author doesn't care much about the story.

Call the hologram thing a hologram thing from the beginning. Otherwise it's like saying MP3 files can come from a phonograph. It dates the story - and not in the date you're trying to set it at. I saw 'flat screen TV in school gym' and thought 'modern day'. Then I got whipped right into 'holograms and Region 19'.

"All of the graders from tenth to seventeenth years in the world are here." Earlier it was ten to thirteen, wasn't it? Also, you're going to have ten year olds fighting seventeen year olds? Seems real fair...

"You will fight each other for survival. You have your identification patches in the compartment under this hologram t.v. The last ones standing after the four to five year trial will lead the world into the new age." This seems like a very flawed method. Mostly because at the end of it, most of the 10-17 year olds are going to be dead, and while generals are good, they need armies to lead. If anyone who could fight is dead... Yeah, doesn't seem like a real smart plan. Also, what are these armies for? Is there any threat that merits this? Obviously it can't be an immediate threat if the plan is for this to happen over four, five years? (But then you make it sound like the people who get to the Oasis area first are the winners, and it's very confusing...) Why isn't normal military training enough?

"If you are injured, the wound will heal due to an experimental gas we have released into the air." Nifty. But how are they supposed to kill each other when any injuries they inflict are going to heal?

"Ouch! This thing went into my wrist ken! Are these the i.d's the region 19 president talked about?" "Yeah, and i think we have to wear these thin vests." New paragraph when new people are talking. Characters are saying things that should be extremely obvious, and it can be annoying to the reader when that happens. For example, when I read this part, my thought was: "NO, Ken, really?! I thought they were going to EAT the vests."

Sin's character is annoying me a bit. He states the obvious, clings to Ken, seems to think Ken has all the answers... He's just kind of ticking me off in general. Annoying characters = bad for book as a whole.

Ken seems to know a lot of things he shouldn't. Like how to open the secret doors, what the symbols are, how to work the vests... There are better ways he could figure these things out without the idea just magically popping into his head. For instance, he's wearing vest when a guy comes up and ticks him off. He wishes he had something to use to inflict pain upon said guy - not really meaning it - and then voila! A weapon's in his hand.

"And they were carrying rifles" Big deal. Just think that you're carrying something better than rifles. And here's where I think you're going to run into a problem with this set-up. It could easily turn into something like this: "He thought of a slingshot, so I thought of a bow and arrows, so he thought of a handgun, so I thought of a bazooka, so he thought of a nuclear weapon which went off and then we all died, the end."

Another thing: Why are they all following Ken? What makes him important? Nice job working his wardrobe into the next smoothly, but right now all we know about him is what we can infer based on what he's wearing. Who is he? Why are people following him and not this president guy? Why is he important? Is he the president's cousin's son or something? Or is he just the only person in this school who can form an independent thought? WHY DO THEY FOLLOW HIM?

"and mixed with water around me" What? What water?

They just tied them up? Aren't they supposed to be killing each other right now?

One last thing to ask... Have you read the Hunger Games recently?

This has some vague potential, but I think you need to go over your plot a little more in your head. Ask yourself questions. Try to make a plausible plot that makes sense, then try to make sure your dialogue and characters are behaving like real people would. Make them as realistic as possible (with the addition of epic superheroes, of course). I do like the aftereffects of Ken's 'episode', btw. And telepathy is always cool.

Also, make sure you're giving the reader all the information they need. In the beginning, I was confused about quite a few things. In fact, I'm STILL confused about some things. They're supposed to work in school teams? Will their school all be leaders then, or how will that work? Exactly how long is this thing supposed to last? What is the POINT of it? What are they leading their new world into? Do they have any idea at all of what they're supposed to be doing? If Earth was overpopulated before, and now everyone over eighteen has pretty much abandoned it, isn't their space station or whatever going to be extremely overpopulated now? Do all of these people have telepathy, or is it just Ken and Sin? Do they find anything odd about their powers?
How are all of these kid's parents reacting? Did they leave Earth of their own free will, or were they forced? Was it just a "Hey, guys! Let's all take off overnight and leave behind all those bratty kids so they can feed and take care of themselves, then kill each other!" and then the parents all being completely fine with that? If I were a parent, I wouldn't want to leave my little angel behind to fight everyone else's little angels in a fight to the death...

You have some things that COULD be good here, but I think you have a lot of work to do. :/
"Pay Attention. Pay Close Attention to everything, everything you see. Notice what no one else notices, and you'll know what no one else knows. What you get is what you get. What you do with what you get is more the point. -- Loris Harrow, City of Ember (Movie)



Edna began to feel like one who awakens gradually out of a dream, a delicious, grotesque, impossible dream, to feel again the realities pressing into her soul.
— Kate Chopin, The Awakening