a moment of realisation, edit

Edited 29/06/2010

Thanks for all the helpful reviews I want to develop this eventually so that it's part of a larger piece; no matter how much I edit it it doesnt seem to sit right as a piece on it's own. I'll get there eventually!

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I heard the shatter before I felt the pain. In that one moment, the sound of crushing glass sliced through the darkness just as sharply as it slid through my skin. It was over. The Vial had contained the cure. It would have saved him, brought him back to me, and not everything would have been lost.

My breath came in ragged bursts. When I opened my hand, each finger was a petal of a bloodied red flower. I stared at it in disbelief; the glowing glass offering just enough dying light to see. My skin was bloodied and broken. The contents of the vial trickled through my fingers and mixed with my blood. It dripped to the floor and melted into the dirt.

The scene played out in my head. Breath had ripped through my lungs like fire as I dashed through the forest. The trees were close and threatening; each one seemed an armed soldier standing in my way. Branches and roots crossed my path like lances and I had dashed between them, holding the vial close to my chest. I could feel the cool glass in the palm of my hand. Against my body, the tiny bottle felt like a centre of peace. It had an ethereal glow that shone through my fingers, illuminating my veins and skin with a pink shimmer. It was my only guiding light.

As I ran through the brush, I’d glanced behind me. That had been my fatal mistake. My toe must have caught on a root, and my body went flying to the forest floor.

The rational part of me knew that I should get up and keep running. They were still on my tail, tracking me through the soldier pines. If I stayed on my knees, they would find me. With or without the Vial, I would be killed for my efforts. I also knew I should stem the bleeding and pick out the shards. But I didn’t. I sat there, barely able to see as darkness enveloped me, barely able to breathe. For a moment, I wanted to die.

At least in the next life I couldn’t let him down.

bluewaterlily here to reveiw your work.
red=correcions
blue=comments

Phaix wrote:An old piece with a few tweaks.

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I heard the shatter before I felt the pain. In that one moment, the sound of crushing glass sliced through the blackness just as sharply as it slid through my skin. I knew I should have felt pain,searing burning, sickening pain. But I felt nothing. All I could process was that terrible sound.

It was over. The vial was broken, and I had failed him. Who is him?

Time bent and stretched – it sped up as I slowed down. I could see the vial in my hand, its power broken and its contents spilling, but it was like a terrible dream. I stared at it in disbelief. My skin was bloodied and broken, glass cruelly embedded in my palm. The contents of the vial trickled through my fingers and mixed with my blood. It dripped to the floor and melted into the dirt.

Blood rushed in my ears, deafeningly loud. How had I broken the most precious object of my world? Why is this object so precious?

The scene played out in my head. Breath ripped through my lungs like fire as I dashed through the forest. I love the way you worded this senence.The trees were close and threatening; each one seemed an armed soldier standing in my way. Branches and roots crossed my path like lances and I dashed between them, holding the vial close to my chest. I could feel the cool glass in the palm of my hand. Against my body, the tiny bottle felt like a centre of peace. It had an ethereal glow that shone through my fingers, illuminating my veins and skin with a pink shimmer. It was my only guiding light.

As I ran through the brush, I glanced behind me. That had been my fatal mistake. My toe must have caught on a root, and my body went flying to the forest floor. My hand tightened around the delicate vial, and then I heard the shatter.

The vial had been my last chance, my last hope, and the contents were melting into the dirt right before my eyes.

Pain began to surface. It seeped into my palm and fingers like a disease, and racked my whole arm in agony. But it wasn’t punishment enough.

The rational part of me knew that I should get up and keep running. They were still on my tail, tracking me through the soldier pines.Who are they? If I stayed on my knees, they would find me. I also knew I should stem the bleeding and pick the shards out of my pale skin. But I didn’t. I sat there, barely able to see through the thick black air, barely able to breath for the racking anguish that ripped through my chest. I wanted to die.

At least in the next life I couldn’t let him down.

Overall:I love this piece! It was very well written. Your grammar was perfect,as was your spelling, and you did a good job not switching tenses.The only punctuation error I could find was a semicolon that should have been a comma; this was the only error in your story for usage. Even though your story was good, it still could use a little more work. You left many questions unanswered. Like what was the name of the main character, and what was their gender? Why was the vial so precious,and why was it so important? Who were "they" and why were they chasing the main character? Does it have something to do with the vial? Also, who was "him", and why would he be let down? Lastly, I think you should move this to fantasy novels, because you could make this a novel, or a least answer the questions of who the characters were, why the main character was being chased, why the vial was so important, and why she would let "him" down. Please P.M. when you write more of this story, or correct it.

Is this a single chapter of a larger story? I think that your story needs to come to a point because as the reader I feel like I have just been lead around a very large circle.

It was over. The vial was broken, and I had failed him.

I think by clearly stating this the main character is already acknowledging that the vital is broken. I feel like you don't need to say I stared at it in disbelief. Secondly if the vital is shattered like you said, how can you run with it in your hand through the dark forest at night? I feel like the story is lacking information. Who is the girl? Why is the vital so important? What is the vital supposed to do? Who is the person you are trying to give it to?
I think that if you give some background and establish some clear points that match the progression of the story it will be great. Keep writing, Fiction

I really like this story! The choice of words you have used really bring the story together. I do hope that this is part of a bigger story because there are a lot of questions swarming around this story for the reader. I didn't find any bad grammar or spelling so if I just missed it I'll leave that up to other people.

Hey!

In the first paragraph, you say that the main character heard the sound before feeling pain, and then describe how there was no pain. That doesn't really make sense. The whole opening section was confusing; aside from what I've mentioned, I can't understand how it's dark - "through the blackness" - and yet then she can see the vial in her hands. The contradictions make it sloppy.

You might want to work on being more subtle, too. For example, get rid of "How had I broken the most precious object of my world?" for two reasons. 1) The reader is already asking it, so it just gets irritating; and 2) You've already implied that it's important - again, the reader is asking why. Try to respond to what you think the reader is thinking.

Okay, to conclude - this story doesn't feel complete to me, and not in a good way. You leave us with question such as who "he" is and what the vial's for, which, as intentional questions as they may be, can't be worked out or explored by ourselves because there's no significant insight into the characters we're with. You need to develop this persona's story some more, because all this feels like is an important vial breaking. I'd like to see where you take this.

-Mark

It is a very good piece of writing. But, it leaves open questions regarding the quest of the main character.
I couldn't find any faults in grammar and spelling, You were perfect at describing the feelings and the scencry with the correct usage of words.
I hope you would continue the story and lead it to a more satisfying end. xD
Until then,
Keep up the good work!

Hey there Phaix!

I'm WD, and I'm going to be your reviewer today! This is a nice little piece--I like the unanswered questions. It feels like the beginning of something larger as it is right now, but that conveys to me that you aren't sure whether to treat this as an opening to something larger or as a stand-alone piece. If it is stand-alone, I agree, it needs some clarification. If it is a testrun or a larger idea, I think the unanswered questions are fine.

Either way, you have a lovely writing style. It flows nicely, and your character development is coming along, especially for a piece where you drop us into the middle of such a highstrung situation. I would like to know more about your character, and, if this is stand-alone, I do think that we need a little bit more to accurately gauge the nature of the significance of the vial, but, just from what you have, I am getting a nice supply of body language and characterization for the main character in this piece.

One thing that you may want to work on while editing this is not overusing adverbs and adjectives. Already, your style lends itself to having great impact; the description and the way you connect it to character are already working very well to convey the emotional state of your character. So you can avoid excess adverbs and adjectives. In example,

I heard the shatter before I felt the pain. In that one moment, the sound of crushing glass sliced through the blackness just as sharply as it slid through my skin. I knew I should have felt pain; searing burning, sickening pain. But I felt nothing. All I could process was that terrible sound.

It was over. The vial was broken, and I had failed him.

Time bent and stretched – it sped up as I slowed down. I could see the vial in my hand, its power broken and its contents spilling, but it was like a terrible dream. I stared at it in disbelief. My skin was bloodied and broken, glass cruelly embedded in my palm. The contents of the vial trickled through my fingers and mixed with my blood. It dripped to the floor and melted into the dirt.

Your beginning. All the parts in red seem over the top. Why? Because you are already doing such a good job of conveying the seriousness of the situation that we don't need the fluff! 'Searing, burning, sickening pain' has no great impact than the word 'pain' here, and arguably less impact because of the excess adjectives! If the skin is broken, we assume it is bloodied! And if you take out 'cruelly' I think that sentence only has more impact because of its more piercing rhythm. Sometimes less is more, so don't be afraid to cut out this fluff when you are describing!

Another example:

The rational part of me knew that I should get up and keep running. They were still on my tail, tracking me through the soldier pines. If I stayed on my knees, they would find me. I also knew I should stem the bleeding and pick the shards out of my pale skin. But I didn’t. I sat there, barely able to see through the thick black air, barely able to breath for the racking anguish that ripped through my chest. I wanted to die.

Racking anguish? Your character is already coming across as so wretched and devastated! Racking just takes the description to a somewhat superfluous level. Read things aloud to yourself and make sure that you aren't layering adjectives above the level of impact! Say what you need to say and then read it aloud to yourself! And remember, strong verbs and nouns work much better than strong adverbs and adjectives.

All in all, this is working really well! I'm very interested to see if you have anything in mind for this piece or how it will change. Just remember to consider how you want this piece to stand and add appropriate detail if necessary. Also, watch out for those excess adverbs and adjectives! Most of all, keep writing! Nice job and if you have any questions, feel free to PM me!

Hey Phaix!

Glad to see you have edited this! It is already reading much better, without those over-the-top sections I pointed out! The emotion already seems much more natural and your character is shining even more. Lovely! I look forward to seeing where you are going with this, or if you are going to go further with it. You do a much better job of giving us the necessary details to understand your main character's feelings without giving so much information that the mystery behind the vial is spoiled. Excellent job with that!

Just a few nitpicks this time:

I heard the shatter before I felt the pain. In that one moment, the sound of crushing glass sliced through the darkness just as sharply as it slid through my skin. It was over. The Vial had contained the cure. It would have saved him, brought him back to me, and not everything would have been lost.

Mmm, this last line sounds a little awkward. Especially the 'not everything would have been lost'. Also, the tenses are rather confusing. She just broke the vial, but that last line makes it sounds as if he is already dead, in which case how could the vial help? Perhaps 'could have saved him' would work better here.

My breath came in ragged bursts. When I opened my hand, each finger was a petal of a bloodied red flower. I stared at it in disbelief; the glowing glass offering just enough dying light to see. My skin was bloodied and broken. The contents of the vial trickled through my fingers and mixed with my blood. It dripped to the floor and melted into the dirt.

The 'petal of a bloodied red flower' sounds strange. It's a neat idea for a metaphor, but it's awkward right now.

One last thing--the chronology of this is a little difficult to grasp. The way I see it, she's recalling what happened to shatter the vial and vial shattered when she was running through the forest, but the tenses get a little mixed up in the third paragraph, and I'm having a hard time distinguishing what happened then, before the vial shattered, and what is happening/being felt now, after the vial has been shattered. It is unclear exactly where the narrator catches up in her story to the moment that opens this piece. Does that make sense? If you want any further elaboration/help with that, just PM me about it. ^^

Great job cleaning up this prose! It is already reading much more naturally! I'm excited to see where this may lead! So keep writing! And please PM me if you have any questions!

This is really intriguing I love the description of the vial and the opening sentences. Can't wait to read more. I agree with what someone said above about the chronology/flashback being a bit confusing. Grammatically there wasn't much to critique, just a few suggestions below to help some parts flow better:

Phaix wrote:It would have saved him, brought him back to me, and not everything would have been lost.

When I opened my hand, each finger was a petal of a bloodied red flower.

maybe: "It would have saved him, brought him back to me, and nothing would of been lost."
"each finger lay like a bloody red petal of a flower." Just to make the image clearer. Overall, can't wait to see where this story goes

Wow. This is amazing. I'm dying to know more. Who is the MC? Who are they trying to bring back? So many questions....

PLEASE tell me if you make this into a larger piece. PLEASE!!!