The Vampire Twins

Hey, please can you review because it would be very helpful . x

The rain splashed hard against the pavement. The dark sky clouded over London as night reigned in and the few people left outside ran for cover.
A boy with blonde golden hair and shining white skin stood sheltered in an old alley way. Even though he was soaked to the skin he still managed to look beautiful as diamond rain drops fell from his long eyelashes that framed big eyes, the colour of almonds. He adjusted the faded red backpack on his shoulder, the rough fabric lasting well against the wet weather. His eyes flitted nervously to the opening at the end as the street lights pooled light that didn’t quite reach him.
The door opposite creaked opened and a girl that shared his beauty and features stepped out into the alley, seeming oblivious to the rain. Turning towards him she wiped something red from her mouth.
The boy stepped towards her, a frown on his face. “What took you so long?” he whispered harshly.
The girl rolled her eyes as she shouldered a wet rucksack of her own and shut the pealing wooden door with a gentle thud. She ignored his hard glare and started walking towards the alley opening. The boy caught up in the matter of steps, “Well?” he prompted, his tone not any lighter.
The girl sighed, “He wasn’t the most helpful prisoner ever but I won in the end,” she smirked, “like always.”
The boy frowned again, uncomfortable at her words. “Do you always have to play with your food? Did you get what you needed?”
“Yes!” The girl snapped, finally tired of her brother’s persistence. They walked fast down the dimly lit street, their speed faster than normal human pace. “Now stop being so annoying, it wasn’t like you were the one who had to get your hands dirty. For your information, witch blood tastes disgusting so lay off!”
The boy let his scowl drop but he wasn’t going to apologize. The girl gave a disapproving look as she licked her lips, “Let’s hope this next one has a little more...flavour.”
The boy smoothed back his damp hair as the rain thundered down. “The one we want is not about the taste.”
The girl laughed cruelly, the type of laugh you wouldn’t want to be near enough to hear. “You got that right! Still, those Dark witches leave a nasty aftertaste. Can’t we stop for a quick snack?” Her eyes followed a group of men who had just rounded the corner on the other side of the road, loudly scrambling in pursuit for the nearest pub.
“No!” The boy pulled on the girls arm sharply, causing her to avert her gaze and give her brother a deadly look. “Unless you want us to go off track we carry on with no distractions. You don’t want to end it here do you?”
“Of course not!” The girl quickly looked ahead, advancing fast as she focused on the plan, “Nothing is stopping me.” She said it so quietly that no one but the boy could hear it...and hear the intention that rode with it.
The boy nodded, almost in disappointment, before flashing a look at his sister, “So where are we going?”
The girl stared straight ahead, her eyes searching for something invisible in the black coat of the night. A small smile was drawn on her beautiful, evil face.
“We are going to Winston.”

Hmm, this was quite interesting. I was intruiged through the whole thing, but was left wanting so much more. Is this a part of a bigger work? If not, then it ought to be. There are so many questions left unanswered.

What are their names?
What do they want with dark witches?
What are dark witches?
What is in Winston?

If this is all there is, then it's quite dissapointing with all those questions left as well as it's lack of purpose. All that really happens here is that they have obviously killed someone [a dark witch] and are going to Winston to kill someone else. There isn't rising action, a climax, falling action, or a resolution. I'm betting there is more to this, but I'm just covering it in case there's not.

I enjoyed the descriptive-ness throughout the piece. Especially at the beginning. The scene is established pretty well, I had a good sense of where they were. Though, it sort of diminishes as the piece goes on. There becomes more telling than showing, and less descriptive words in general. Though, in respect to the twins they were always shown well and I always understood what they were doing and how they looked. I'd like to know more about their surroundings, how each of them fits in the surroundings, how each of them feels. Things other than their interactions with each other. The interactions are definitely the focus though, so don't over-describe other things.

I'd just like to know more about the city. Once they leave the alley, what does the street look like? What is surrounding them? Look at it through the five senses (sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell).

Oh, I almost forgot. I have one nit-pick.

A boy with blonde golden hair and shining white skin stood sheltered in an old alley way.

Blonde and Golden are essentially in the same realm of color. And it sounds strange to me this way. I'd suggest either just use one of the words, or switch them so it is "golden blonde".

Great job, and definitely keep writing! PM me if you have any questions, or if there is more of this and would desire another review.

-Lauren-

Hey thanks Lauren!

I'm glad you are interested and in answer to your question, yes this is part of a bigger story where everything else will be answered.
Thank you for your advice, i will definitely take it on board, in fact i have already altered somethings!
Thanks again and whoever else reads this, please comment!

Sophia

x

Hiya!

You know, I usually look the other way at vampire stories, but I quite liked this. It doesn't seem like you're taking the, "Oh I'm a sweet teenage vampire who just wants to be normal' approach. These two seem to be evil, but maybe for a cause that could be good? Anyways, I really want to read the next piece. You're a good writer, and thank goodness you know proper grammar, haha.

I second Lauren's questions, and hope that they will be answered in the future. I find it weird that you're making a world where vampires kill witches, but I'll go with it. It just seems like two big unreal powers battling against each other. It could be cool, but it could also turn lame. Don't let it turn lame.

Keep writing,

Classy

Oh i have to say I really emjoyed reading this, honestly. I'm not even a huge fan of anything that has to do with vampires but I must say you have a talent for writing stories such as this one. Keep up I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.

This did indeed interest me, left me wanting more from it. I think you should make more of this like another chapter for it. There was a few things i think you need to explain some more like who are they after and why, as well as their names. Other than that I enjoyed reading it.

Hi Sophia!

Well, this was a nice story. I really enjoyed it.
I love the way you make all those questions - like who these people are, what they are actually doing, etc - pop into the readers mind and only partially answer them. That is very intriguing.
This piece could be a wonderful opening of a bigger story (which I really hope will come! I'd love to read a sequel on this!).

You are a good writer! Keep up the good work =D

--- A.

Hey Sophia,

I, like others, was VERY intrigued by your story. You've created such lush prose, a fact that I believe helps in creating vibrant images when reading your story. Even though the piece is short, your opening is strong. I do want to issue a word of caution, however, at being too descriptive. At times, some of the sentences felt overstuffed with adjectives. Your descriptions are important, but shouldn't span too long or overpower the characters. Other than that, you did a great job at hooking a first time reader and making me want to know more. I also liked that you established tension between the characters. I get the feeling that there's something underneath that tension, which automatically makes me want the next installment. Also, kudos on your dialogue! Sometimes when I read stories, dialogue sounds so forced, but yours sounded very natural and authentic. Can't wait for the next installment!

This story was so enjoyable that I was sad when I came to the end of it. I like the way you describe the vampires (if they are the vampires) as handsome and beautiful people when they aren't very nice at all.

This is now Charlotte's dad writing.

What a good story- really engages the reader.
I spotted a few little typo's. For example "blonde golden hair and shining white skin" would be better with a couple of commas between the adjectives and the 'girls arms' should be 'girl's arms'. Overall though, your work is very accurate.

This was a nice phrase 'black coat of the night'.

keep writing!

I enjoyed reading your work and I look forward to reading more of it in the future. I like how you ended the chapter because you left me wanting more. I just hope there is a lot more of this story you will be posting. Just look out for grammar mistakes!