In the Arms of the Angel: a Short Story

10 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1639
Reviews 261
I was inspired to write this on a whim, so forgive me if it's kind of short. Also, I know it might be kind of strange that the MC doesn't have a name, or at least it isn't given, but I intended it to be about only his encounter, with no distractions to take away from that. I hope you like it!

*******

He’d been watching them for hours.
It was coincidence that he’d found them at all; his routine trek through the woods had taken a strange turn, on account of the heavy snow that congested the trail. He’d taken another path, which ended at a crystalline lake, created solely from the melted snows that made its way down the mountainside. Upon reaching it, he’d sat down to take his lunch, though the sky had already darkened with nightfall. Winter was finally here, and it was here to stay.

When he was done eating, he’d contemplated whether he should head back the way he’d come, or risk the dangers of night and stay a little longer. After a short time, the curious boy inside him had won over, and he stayed; the lake was entirely new to him, and he was intrigued.

As he explored the area surrounding the lake, the moon rose. Its pure, bright light illuminated the trees around him, turning the waters to silver. For a moment, he was the only person in the world, the sole occupant of a shining utopia made just for him. The still waters reflected every branch, every leaf that crowned its waters, shining their images back to them. It was beautiful.

The stillness was like a living thing. It blanketed every surface, gently hushing the world into a state empty bliss. The only sounds to be heard were the ones that he created: the crunch of his boots on the fallen leaves, long since lost their color; the swish of his clothing as it brushed against a tree branch here, a tangled shrubbery there; and the heavy rush of his breath, like a scream to his ears, which above all reminded him of his humanity. No matter the serenity of this place, he knew in his heart that he didn’t belong, that he was an intruder, stumbling upon this haven by happenstance, a twist of fate.

But he couldn’t leave; the thought had never crossed his mind.

As he walked around the perimeter of the lake, he came across an enormous boulder. The thing was old and sprawling, laying half in and half out of the water. The trees seemed to grow around it, as if in respect of its obvious age, leaving an unprecedented view of the moon above. There were no stars, the moon being far too bright to allow them dominion this night.

The temptation to climb up to the boulder’s peak was too great to resist. He walked up to it, placing hands and feet on various handholds, of which there were many. When he reached the top, he lay on his back and gazed up into the sky. A light breeze—strangely warm, considering the season—whispered over him, making him sleepy. The rock under him seemed molded to every part of his body, and he could almost think he was lying on a bed of feathers. His eyelids were getting increasingly more difficult to keep open, and before he knew it, they were closed completely, and he was drifting off into slumber.


He awoke to the chime of laughter.

The sound, oddly enough, did not startle him. Upon hearing it, his eyes simply opened, and he was awake. The laughter was pure and gentle, and brought to mind the simplicity of the shining moon, the cool, crisp beauty of the mountains, the soft presence of a morning cloud. He sat up and looked around.

What he saw would change him forever.

Two figures danced gracefully on the water. Both were beautiful—more beautiful than anything he had ever seen. One was a man with golden hair that fell to his shoulders, the other a woman, who seemed to radiate goodness from every fiber of her being. It was from her that the laughter had come, though the man looked equally as kind-hearted. They held each other in their arms, their heads close together, and their lips an inch away from touching.

With a jolt, he realized that they were nude. Nothing stopped his eyes from beholding the slender curve of her backside, nor the soft insistence of her breasts on the man’s muscular chest. And yet, oddly enough, she did not inspire any sort of desire in him. Carnal lust was beyond them; they were too good to commit such an act, and so did not encourage his body any further.

They were of peace. And love.

But none of that—not their nudity, nor the fact that they danced above the water—held his attention. What shocked him the most was what held them aloft.

Wings.

Spanning ten feet wide each, their wings were beautiful. Gazing at them for long brought tears to his eyes, and he felt ashamed that he should look at them. These creatures were so holy, so full of light, that he knew they were not meant to be beheld by him. Human eyes were destined for far uglier sights than these, and he was blessed.

The woman’s wings were of purest white, a sharp contrast to her raven hair. She beat them in lazy circles to hold herself in the air, though she seemed not to notice that she was doing it at all. The man’s, on the other hand, were a deep russet-gold. They reminded him of a blazing sunrise that lit the earth with its fire.

As they twirled slowly, he couldn’t help but notice how different they were. The woman was the image of purity, a creature that was not simply of the night, but one who shined there. The man was quite the opposite. His presence was one of warm simplicity and honesty; a creature of the sun. And yet, somehow, they seemed made for each other, as if their love was something timeless, without beginning or end.

He blushed. This sight was not meant for his eyes; it was too tender, too sacred, to be intended as anything other than a secret meeting between lovers. He resolved to go home and leave them to dance the night away in private, their little world undisturbed by prying eyes.

But his body was frozen. He could not look away.

He knew that he could never move, not knowing what he would be leaving behind. They were so enthralling, so deprived of sin, so… angelic.

He lay back down again, his arm cradling his head. For hours, they drifted in circles just above the lake, their feet sometimes touching its surface, though they did not disturb the waters. They did not do much else besides that. They did not speak, only smiled knowingly at each other. The woman did not laugh again, though she seemed ready to burst into song at any moment.

They simply danced.

For the second time that night, the man found himself drifting off into a dreamless sleep, lulled by the serenity that emanated from the lovers. It was many hours before he woke again.

When he did, he sat up and rubbed his eyes. Dawn had approached while he rested, and for the first time he felt truly tired. It was if the lovers had kept time away from him, allowing him a chance to glimpse that which had never been glimpsed before.

True love.

He looked over the lake, now alive with animal life. A deer nibbled at the grass on the opposite bank; a squirrel chattered at an unseen adversary hidden among the branches of an ancient oak; a duck swam happily under the exact spot where the lovers had danc—

Had danced? In a panic, he looked for them, but he had been right; they were gone. The air above the lake seemed empty without their presence, so devoid of life. The silence rang out in a different way, now that they were gone, as if there truly was nothing there.

It was so lonely.

He waited for hours to see if they would return, but in his heart, he knew they wouldn’t. That knowledge brought bitter tears to his eyes; tears of loss.

He would never see them again.

He cried out in despair the entire journey home. He felt as if his soul had been torn into pieces and trampled in the mud. He shook at the prospect of living the rest of his life alongside this terrible pain, this hollowness inside him. And he wouldn’t.

He couldn’t.

Over the years, he would learn to bear his sorrow. Though it would never lessen, he at least learned to live with it. His life continued on as any man’s life would, full of loss and accomplishment, of life and death, of hope and despair. He never could tell anyone of his encounter—to do so would have lessened the experience in his eyes—yet many would say that he had changed, though for better or worse was debatable.

And on some nights, when the world was quiet, when winter held all in its grasp and the moon turned all to glass, he would go down to that lake, and sit for awhile, gazing out at the silver water.
Last edited by Mr.Knightley on Tue Dec 01, 2009 8:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"You laugh at me because I'm different. I laugh at you because you're all the same."

Lady Gaga




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 7
That is a beautiful piece of writing. I love your descriptions, they're really great. I also loved that you didn't stick to the traditional cliche of an angel, and that one had bronze wings, and the other dark hair.
Overall a truly great read. Good job.




Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 790
Reviews 2
This was a good short story. Only one minor things bugged me.

Did you intend to describe the girl's hair later on to help contrast her wings more? Cause I wasn't sure what to imagine with her after the Man's description.

Other than that, the narrative was unique, to me at least. I always liked 3rd person more than 1st. It gave it a very good story feel.

Keep up the good writing.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1639
Reviews 261
Thanks to you both! I'm glad you liked it. :D

To Kaitlyn: I described the woman's hair afterward to prevent it from sounding like a list of descriptions, if you know what I mean. :) Otherwise it would have flowed weirdly.
"You laugh at me because I'm different. I laugh at you because you're all the same."

Lady Gaga




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 269
Reviews 31
OMG!- That was beautiful...I can't even bring myself to critque this piece of work, not like it needs it or anything...This was just too wonderfully done...Mr. Knightly you have managed to bring me to tears...dangit you made me mess up my make-up!

P.S. Beautiful...

Skittles :elephant:
When life hands you lemons.....stuff them in your bra...
Dear Edward,
Piss off you poser
,Dracula

Do you bite your thumb at me Sir?!
My mama used to say life was like a box of chocolates, you never know what ur gunna get...




Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 1055
Reviews 1
Hey, I apologize if my critique isn't totally full-fleshed, I'm not the best at critiquing the works of other, let alone my own! ;P

"the sole occupant of a shining utopia made just for him."- The term utopia does not embody the sense of wondrous nature, if you get my drift. More of a futuristic term, IMO.

"The woman was the image of purity, a creature that was not simply of the night, but one who shined there. The man was quite the opposite. His presence was one of warm simplicity and honesty; a creature of the sun."- I don't feel as if that comparison really does justice to the their apparent differences. Both are light; the woman's purity implies honesty, as well. Might want to reword it.

Besides that, it was a beautiful story. Very descriptive, and it brought out a sense of awe in me, at least.

May your writing never be blocked, Scien




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1346
Reviews 6
Honestly, this is one of the most beautiful works I have read in some time. The sorrow and the solemn beauty collide gracefully to create one of the deepest emotional pieces in fantasy. Absolutely stunning. Keep it up, the world needs writers like you!
There was a person here
He never left you
Just waited in the darkness




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6235
Reviews 2631
Hey hey! My apologies for the delay but I hope you find this useful :) I'll drop some comments as I read through and then give you my thoughts and advice at the end.

It was coincidence that he’d found them at all; his routine trek through the woods had taken a strange turn, on account of the heavy snow that congested the trail. He’d taken another path, which ended at a crystalline lake, created solely from the melted snows that made its way down the mountainside. Upon reaching it, he’d sat down to take his lunch, though the sky had already darkened with nightfall. Winter was finally here, and it was here to stay.


I'm finding your sentences quite hard to follow. There's some awkward phrasing and I feel that your flow could be much smoother. For example, I'd suggest removing 'congested the trail' from that first sentence or possibly splitting it somewhere. Also, maybe write in pure past tense after the first sentence. It would be perfectly alright to have 'He took another path' and 'he sat down' and the reader would find it more comfortable. I see you slip into this later actually so really I'm just suggesting you do it earlier.

When he was done eating, he’d contemplated whether he should head back the way he’d come, or risk the dangers of night and stay a little longer. After a short time, the curious boy inside him had won over triumphed or maybe surfaced?, and he stayed; the lake was entirely new to him, and he was intrigued.


The stillness was like a living thing. It blanketed every surface, gently hushing the world into a state of empty bliss. The only sounds to be heard were the ones that he created: the crunch of his boots on the fallen leaves, long since lost their color; the swish of his clothing as it brushed against a tree branch here, a tangled shrubbery there; and the heavy rush of his breath, like a scream to his ears, which above all reminded him of his humanity. No matter the serenity of this place, he knew in his heart that he didn’t belong, that he was an intruder, stumbling upon this haven by happenstance, a twist of fate.
Some lovely descriptions, I like the run on sentence.

As he walked around the perimeter of the lake, he came across an enormous boulder. The thing was old and sprawling, laying half in and half out of the water. The trees seemed to grow around it, as if in respect of its obvious age, leaving an unprecedented view of the moon above. There were no stars, the moon being far too bright to allow them dominion this night.
Not sure if I like the last line. Dominion doesn't sound quite right.

Hook

Okay I think I'd like to get stuck in now and discuss the hook. Where is it? There's only that opening line, that suggestion that he's watching someone but I think you need more than that. The descriptions of his movements are nice but it's slow and calm and there needs to be a stronger hint of excitement and adventure to come. Before you reached the action of the story, I started to feel that your hook was lagging. I think instead of that one sentence, there should be a full paragraph, maybe even a couple at the beginning to give your reader a reason to hang on until the end.

Or perhaps you need to shorten his wanderings. You could set the scene with less delay; there's a lot of description that doesn't improve the scene or your story. Is it necessary to know that the breeze is unusual for this season?

Perhaps you just need to make his journey there more interesting. You could start by describing the snow that has cut him off from his usual trail and convey his frustration at that. Give the reader a way to connect with this character. Maybe describe how he picks out his new trail and has to carefully edge around a rock-face to get there or wade through a small stream.

Character

That brings me to characterisation. It's a short piece, true, but that doesn't excuse this. You have three characters and they could be anyone. Okay so there's two angels, one seemingly to represent the moon and one the sun but what gives him these feelings? Don't tell me it's their hair colour either, I want more. I want something that's a personal observation. For me, the male would be bold but childish, he would be adventurous and well intending but in need of someone to hold him in hand. The female would be patient, more reserved. An older woman to blunt his enthusiasm. That's what the sun and moon represent for me but what about you? Perhaps to you the sun is a powerful and fierce man, a warrior and the moon is merely a woman standing in his shadow. I want to see some personality behind these two. They don't need to talk but the way they dance, the way they hold each other and look at each other can convey a lot.

How do they dance? Gracefully fine but does the girl twirl? Does the girl dart away and he give chase or does he sway to his own music while she dances around him? There's a lot of ways to show emotions and character through the way they move.

Plot

First I'd like to say that I like the idea of something so great perhaps causing a man to find fault with his humanity and his ordinary life. There's something very beautiful about the tragic following the great. However, this could have been done better. I couldn't feel the man's awe of this event and I was left disapointed that it seemed to not have had any substantial impact on the man's life. If I saw angels, I'd at least try to do something different. You summarised so much at the end into nothing. I think I'd have liked the overview of his later life to have been a little more detailed and more extreme.

What message are you hoping to convey? One of hope or more one of sensibility. Perhaps that it's better not to know what is out there so that we live in the now and not always trying to live up to the impossible? I don't know.


Well. I shall leave you with your thoughts now but pm me with any questions and if you edit this, let me know. I'd love to see any later draft you might write. Thanks for the read,

Heather xx
Writing Gooder

~Previously KittyKatSparklesExplosion15~

The light shines brightest in the darkest places.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4893
Reviews 99
You have nice writing skills. I enjoyed reading this piece I could actually visualize what the individual was seeing. Keep it up. :D




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 1010
Reviews 35
Hi
Wow! You're really talented, this is amazing. You made me feel like I was there. I love you description of the lake. Keep Writing.
Keri :)



Adventure is worthwhile.
— Aesop