The sea is cruel

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Alright this was written several weeks ago when I was in a stale season in my writing when I just needed to force myself to write something. I know it's bad but I thought I'd post it anyway and see what you all think. critique it to your hearts content. I don't care! :lol:


The wind howled and screamed like a thing possessed the waves rose mountain high and tossed the ship about like a cork. The waves were crested white, glowing incandescently in the inky blackness. The waves were right above them the waters roaring like a lion the crew of the vessel were thrown into a panic. These were no soft sailors, these were hardened old salts to whom the sea had been their mistress for years. Seeing death towering above them like the hand of some angry drove even the hardest to his knees screaming for mercy.

Only one on board was not panicked. She sat in the belly of the ship with a smile playing on her lips. “Oh how cruel her mother could be, how heartless and ravenously hungry for blood.” the girl pushed a lock of hair behind her ear and closing her eyes listened to shouts and cries from the crew.
“Death is near, cry and scream all you want there is no escape from it!” she shouted, her crazed shrieks of laughter rising to the ears of the crew. The door of her prison was almost ripped of it's hinges so violent was the fear of the first mate who grabbed her roughly by the arm and shook her.
“Stop the storm you sea witch!” He shouted. She just smiled, he began to shake her until it seemed he would break her neck. she struggled against him. The boat jerked to a stop with a groan and splintering of wood. Everyone on board was thrown to the decks.
“What now?” cried the captain as he stood fighting with the helm “what new devilry is this?” The waves seemed to still slightly, that was even more frightening. The first mate came on deck dragging the girl by her long dark hair. All hands were looking over the rails of the ship, looking for this new danger. The captain turned to the girl.
“She nymph we shall return you too the sea. Call off these terrors he said his deep voice shaking. The girl smiled at him a brilliant joyful smile.
“Even if you return me to my mother you will still all die .” she said pointing to the waves. “My mother may forgive you but my lover never will. You dared to take me and were going to make me your bride.” her smile was now a smirk as if it were a joke to her. “ He will kill you all but do not worry I shall sing the proper songs over your grave.” the water near the front of the ship boiled and up through the surf rose the head of a sea serpent. It's large slitted eyes glowed with a ghostly white light.
A roar filled the starless night followed by screams, the screams of dying men who had no hope of living. The ship was gone taken under the waves by the serpents long coils.

There was a eerie silence for the stormy water had suddenly stilled. A surprisingly gentle male voice could be heard hardly louder than the breeze.
“I told you I will always find you.” the girl closed her eyes as she was held tenderly by her lover arms entwined around his neck.
“I never doubted you.”
"D*** the torpedoes! Four bells! Full speed ahead!"~ Admiral David Farragut




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Hello!

Welcome to YWS, a very superb writing site :)

First thing first, dialogue punctuation. In this piece it's wrong, but don't worry, quite easy to learn if you just read Demeter's fantastic post on the subject: topic44898.html Clean it up, because right now it's like a fingernail screeching down a blackboard!


OK, so the first paragraph is descriptive. I'm for more action-y beginnings myself, but this is cool, very mood-setting. However, see how most of you sentences go? The blah blah blah did this. The blah blah blah was this. Only the very last sentence breaks chains - before, you need to vary. This is a description of a dynamic thing, make it so. Make the description live!


quote:
hese were no soft sailors, these were hardened old salts to whom the sea had been their mistress for years.

Loved the sentence (would love it more if you cut "their"). Do think about sentence variation in the previous ones, though.


Witch. Crux of the whole piece and the whole plot is contained in one dialogue part. That's ok if you'd want to focus on the sea itself, I suppose, but then where's the focus? In the beginning only?

Transition from storm to calm - much too rapid. I was like, yeah, fine. Didn't much care for the lovers, you know? Extend this, elaborate.

_


quote:
I don't care!

Pardon? Why post at all? Consider all the smileys cut lol.



Esme




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This is a fine story but you have a couple of minor grammatical errors and I'm gonna mention a few of them even though you said that you don't care (lol). One is the "a eerie silence". Shouldn't it be "an eerie silence"? "The wind howled and screamed like a thing possessed the waves rose mountain high and tossed the ship about like a cork." I think this should be: "The wind howled and screamed like a thing possessed. The waves rose mountain high and tossed the ship about like a cork." Punctuations shouldn't be neglected in writing. Anyway, good luck and have fun in your next writing! :D
“(...) and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” - Gandalf, The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring




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Helloooooooo! Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

The wind howled and screamed like a thing possessed the waves rose mountain high and tossed the ship about like a cork.


Should be a comma after possessed.

The waves were crested white, glowing incandescently in the inky blackness. The waves were right above them the waters roaring like a lion the crew of the vessel were thrown into a panic.


You've already used "waves" once and you use it twice more here. Mix it up a little!

“Oh how cruel her mother could be, how heartless and ravenously hungry for blood.” the girl pushed a lock of hair behind her ear


Should be a capital T on "the."

almost ripped of it's hinges


its. Remember: he's, she's, it's, his, her, its.

[quote[“Stop the storm you sea witch!” He shouted.[/quote]

Lower case h. Confused? Here!

“She nymph we shall return you too the sea.


"She nymph, we shall return you to the sea."

II. OVERALL

That was suitably creepy! I don't have many particular issues over this, but my main one would be that you're trying a bit too hard with it. Relax. You don't need to describe the waves three times, and you don't have to twist everything into new phrases. It's too purple. It might be personal opinion, because I love simple prose, but the more you relax the easier it will flow and the more enjoyment we can get from the story itself.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




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This was good the beginning was excellent a lot of visual. I could really get into the story. I won't lie I think you are actually a strong writer. If someone were to compare my writing with yours you would win hands down with a doubt. Keep up the great work I really enjoyed reading your piece. :D




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Very nice! For me, it was very exciting. Just fix the grammatical errors that have been pointed out, and it will run much smoother. I would love to see a second part to this!
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk



Poetry is a phantom script telling how rainbows are made and why they go away.
— Carl Sandburg