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Thanks!

I'd really like it if you guys didn't read and go. Comment please even if it's tips, they are really helpful! Tell me what you think of it, if it's good I will write more. Star it also, all that means so so much. Feel free to quote things and fix them! Thanks
- Kenzie

I'm not trying to sound rude or anything, but it's annoying when you post again on your post to tell people to review. I know you want reviews, but you only had it up for an hour before you did that. Anyways, on to the review.

Not saying what happens. Btw, it's in the character's point of view.

I know that this obviously isn't part of the chapter, but it seems obvious what point of view it's in once you start reading. (Also the chat-speak makes me shudder.)

I sat quietly in my big bedroom, with dark decor.

You should probably elaborate on dark decor. That could be so many things, and you could easily just tell what the room looks like if that's what you want to do. (I personally wouldn't describe the room since it seems like there would be no point in doing so.)

My door was shut and locked, I didn't need my curious mother to come into my bedroom, seeing me talking to myself with a flashlight.

I'm not the best with grammar, but I'm pretty sure that that is a run-on. Another thing with this sentence is why does she have a flashlight? You never mentioned that the lights were off or anything of the sort.

I didn't need her to think that a 14 year old girl, still lived in a fantasy world.

Take out the comma.

I guess you could say that, but you don't know the half it.

I don't get it. Are you talking about her living in a fantasy world? When you say you don't know the half of it you're talking to the reader and assuming things. It's a bit annoying.

I know, I know, don't call me crazy just yet.

This is the same as before. You're assuming. And you know what they say about people who assume...

I didn't know until 2 years ago... while I was daydreaming in school when everything turned into a beautiful nightmare.

Take out the ... I would take out the while and make it completely separate sentence.

Uhh, mother alert. I thought.

Make the first period a comma. I might be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that it applies for speaking and thinking.

You say my mother yelled twice. It becomes repetitive after awhile.

All in all, it was okay, I suppose. Once you learn and apply some of the basic grammar rules and things you'll be better. This idea is one that I don't think I've heard before. Another thing to work on is not talking to the reader like you're telling someone a story face to face unless you really want to. Then you would have to work on it a bunch and change it up. I hope that was a good enough review for you. I usually don't do long review like this, so I hope I'm not giving you bad advice.
Keep writing!

About the talking to the reader, it's in her point of veiw and most people would think that. Thanks for the advice.

You don't have to put spaces after quotation marks and before the dialogue. It should be like this: "Sorry." I say.

"What, no excuse this time?" My mother yelled.

Needed a comma.

Hey, she's my mom, what can you expect?

Doesn't need to be italicized and needed two more commas.

my mother would put me in a mental institution.

The 'm' needed to be lowercase.
I can't really comment on the plot since there's not enough yet, but it doesn't capture my attention so far.

Thanks anyway.

This is really good!!! But this bit bugs me-

I went in my room, picked up the same book I just had, and pretended to read it, but really I was listening to the voices in my head called The Tellers.

Maybe this would help? 'returning to my bed, i picked up the book and pretended to read it. However, i was actually listening to The Tellers - they're the voices - and what they had to say.'

I liked it and there were some other bits but they've been pointed out anyway... Anyway, great job and i would like to read more!

Oh yeah... and isn't there a song called 'beautiful nightmare'. or is it called 'sweet dreams'... can't remember.

Thanks, I'll work on chapter 2. You hellped me so much.

I posted chapter 2.

i like it, a lot actually! i love how the main character is talking to the "audience". also how its very suspenseful!
the only thing i think you should fix is that the locked door part on the ending. i had to read that part around three times to realize that the mom got the door open. i think you just might want to make it a little more clear in that part.
over all i love it! hopefully you'll write more!

Thank you, I will.


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My only crit would be to say more about the scenery and make your chapters longer. You could pull each of those scenes out a lot more.

Ok, thank you.

I liked it. The main character talking to the audience was smart. I like how you write. But the main thing is you are expressing yourself! Keep it up!!

Thank you so much. Nice dancing elephant. Yes, i know everyone thinks character talking to the audience was stupid. I don't think so. Thanks alot Mage_banks. Thanks for commenting on me. It means alot! You rock!! Escpecially for putting it in a magazine.

mackenzie