The spirits of the Forest

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I wrote this in my new twilight journal i got for christmas.... my brother likes it, he smiled when he read it because he thinks it's good. My mum's bf likes it and says i should leave it as a short story... but do you think i could add more on? I'm having trouble with tenses as well... so point out bits that aren't right... as usual. like a critic. ;)

The forest trees were covered in a thick fantasy of snow. Flakes fell gently from the sky, sparkling as the sun rays crept through the clearing.
The cold stabbed at my skin like a silver dagger, numbing my senses. I winced as I took a step forward, and I crumpled in a heap on the floor.
I was cold.
Isolated.
So much for keeping me alive and well. The chief had been talking nonsense. Now I was all alone, separated from the others. My cabin bed would be empty, waiting for me to curl up and wrap myself in the duvet, hopefully someone might notice my disappearance. But... it was inevitable that I wouldn't be found out here.
Then again, it was kind of my fault. I heard them calling; begging for my assistance.
I can heal, I can comfort, I can help. The spirits of the forest had called to me.Me of all people. They know I'm special.
The spirits are wounded in this forest. Hurt by the constant disruption. Demolition, housing and fire wood. I can assist them.
But I knew I'd failed. The frost was biting at my skin, sending a shiver down my spine. Paralysing me. I was going to die simply because of my stupidity, but also, my longing to help. I hadn't listened, how stupid of me? The temperature had decreased beyond bare able, I couldn't live with the coat I was wearing. Too thin. I've always been immune to the cold... but it seemed there was an evil spirit lurking in the forest air. Evil wanted to stop my plan, halt my assisting of the forests spirits healing. The evil was succeeding.
I have failed, I thought miserably.
That's when I felt a warm tingle in my heart, and the feeling of being lifted into the air. It was an unusual feeling.
'Spirits?' I whispered.
Then I realised they were saving me from the hell... Undoubtedly, this was their way of telling me I couldn't go back. They'd keep me safe in the forest, but away from my fellow humans. Harsh. But they could offer so much more for me. My destiny was to be with the spirits. Evil was loosing. Triumph warmed my heart.
I laughed.
Feeling came back to me, warm, welcoming, satisfying. I opened my eyes and saw a whole new world. What i saw was beautiful, sharpened and detailed.
I'd been given the sight of the spirits. A handy gift my grandma had told me about - many years ago - when one was willing to save any living thing, god or plant and risk death's embrace. She told me it was my destiny to be with the spirits. Espírito do amor, she called it.
I knew what she spoke was true, I was destined. It would save me and I would welcome it. Nature is where I belong. I was happy I came on the school trip to the Snowy mountains near our village. I'd made the right choice. Sure, I'd be leaving a lot of things behind, family, treasures, wishes, hopes, dreams etc. But now I could be happier than I ever had or would be.
The villagers would look for me, search with their search lights, scan the forest canopies and river beds, low land and on. They wouldn't find me. Neither would Chief. I was joined with the spirits. Entwined. The spirits own me, they will treasure me, guide me, teach me their secrets. Name me. I could hear them whisper to me.
'Nalather,' they sang. 'Sow wi fre dru leferet.' I understood their language. I was theirs and they were telling me I had been awarded the name 'Nalather' which means brave warrior and devoted seeker.
I smiled.
'Thank you,' I said softly.


Should I add more or should I leave it at this? What do you think? I added a bit more in this version than the one of paper.
Last edited by MysticalBlood on Thu Dec 31, 2009 2:21 pm, edited 3 times in total.
'This isn't funny Dean, the voice says i'm almost out of minutes!' - Castiel
~ Nothing is true, everything is permitted... Live by the Creed... Be Discreet...




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I knew was she spoke was true,


That doesn't make sense. Change to " I knew what she spoke of was true". Other than that I thought it was really good. One thing, always rate your story E, 12+, 16+, and 18+ because some people might not click it thinking it might have something bad. Well, those were the only things I found. Good luck, and make it longer go past a short story!
- Mackenzie.
whether they start good or bad, Every good writer starts somewhere




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oops. that was a typo. lol.
'This isn't funny Dean, the voice says i'm almost out of minutes!' - Castiel
~ Nothing is true, everything is permitted... Live by the Creed... Be Discreet...




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You should definitely add more on. What happens before? Also, global warming is good for plants. I'm not going to go into the details here, but trust me. I think that your tenses were okay, but I'm not particularly good at spotting grammatical errors.
Once upon a time, there was a man who was allergic to peanuts. He was eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich by the side of the mountain, and a rock fell on him and he died.
Moral of the story: Expect the unexpected.
Like fried sushi.




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I meant like demolition sites to build houses and stuff.
'This isn't funny Dean, the voice says i'm almost out of minutes!' - Castiel
~ Nothing is true, everything is permitted... Live by the Creed... Be Discreet...



A true poet does not bother to be poetical. Nor does a nursery gardener scent his roses.
— Jean Cocteau