Young Writers Society

Hi guys, it me PenNPaper.

This is another of my stories, there may be a few errors as you read it. Still, hope you enjoy it.

I stared hard at the figure from my window, even though it was bright, he was standing under a shady tree and I could hardly see his features.

His wore a tuxedo with a rose tucked securely in his front pocket.

He had been there every day, for several days. He never moved, it was as if he was watching someone. I tried to ignore him, but I couldn’t.

Then he turned in my direction and stared at me with his dark eyes, I froze with fear.

I tried to turn my head around but I couldn’t, my eyes were fixed on his face, and his on mine.

Finally, he turned away, I heaved a sigh of relief, then I heard my mother calling me.

‘Timmy, come down to have lunch,’ she yelled from the kitchen.

I ran down the creaky stairs, two steps at a time.

As I entered the kitchen, which was full of pots and pans, and other items, my mother looked and me at smiled.

‘Your favorite today, fish and chips,’ she told me.

I sat myself nearest to the window, so that I could look out, I saw Richard playing soccer with some of his friends. I’d go join them later, I thought.

I dug into my food, eating and watching them playing at the same time. Finally I finished my food.

‘I’m going out for a while,’ I told me parents, then rushed out.

Richard beckoned me to go over.

‘Hey, Seth, let me tell you something, come with me,’ he said, dragging me to an alley.

‘You know there’s a guy that keeps on watching us, right?’ he began. ‘Well, they say he has eyes that can kill’

‘I beg your pardon?’ I asked.

‘It’s true,’ he continued. ‘They say that if he stares at you, you’re frozen to the spot, I had it before. If he continues to do that, you’ll die of fear’

‘That’s rubbish,’ I laughed.

‘If you don’t believe me, too bad,’ Richard said it in a serious undertone.

I went back home and headed back to my room. I looked out of my window for the second time today. He was still there, and he was looking right at me.

I was once again rooted to the spot, unable to move because of fear. I panicked, I tried to shout for help, but no words came out. It was like all my muscles had become stiff.

He took out his mask, and I saw his face.

He had a long scar running down his cheeks, he smiled at me. I shuddered. Then he looked away. I quickly close the curtains and hid under my blanket.

I was scared, I didn’t believe what Rich had said at first, but now it seemed to be the truth.

The next day, I woke up again. I remembered what had happened yesterday. I looked out of the window again, out of pure curiosity.

I saw him, standing out there, this time, his back was facing me. I followed his gaze, his was staring at Richard!

I saw Richard staring right back at him, his face pale with fright, as if he had seen a ghost.

I tried to get his attention, I waved my hands at him, then yelled across the building. It didn’t work. I had an idea.

I ran across to his house, I rang the doorbell, it was locked. I tried the back door, thankfully it wasn’t locked.

I raced up the stairs, and into his bedroom. Avoiding the gaze of the man, I pushed Richard away from the window. He fell on his bed, his whole body trembling.

‘Thanks for that,’ he said in a shaky voice.

‘Not a problem,’ I replied.

We looked out of the window, the man had disappeared.

The next morning, I came down for breakfast.

‘Just look at this,’ my father sighed. ‘Three people dead, found in bedroom, and it’s in our neighborhood.’

‘What’s the world coming to nowadays,’ my mother replied.

I wanted to tell them about the guy with the killer eyes, but I daren’t. If they knew about that we would probably have to move.

Over the next few days, the reports stopped.

I was puzzled, then another report came out. The headlines read ‘Man standing under a tree killed during a lightning storm’.

So, this guy was killed trying to kill.

My father sighed again after reading the headlines.

‘Four people died,’ he announced, ‘Last one killed under a tree’

I grinned, we were finally safe.

Hi Pen! I'm not sure this belongs in Fantasy, but I'll review, anyway!

Punctuation errors. I noticed a lot of those, involving misused commas and missing semicolons/hyphens/etc. Almost all the errors I noticed were with commas that should've been semicolons/hyphens. So, I'm going to skip those, because there were several of those.

Also, I would advise using quotation marks (") for dialogue instead of these apostrophe marks. (') I'm really used to it, and it doesn't get me confused with the times I use those apostrophe marks for quoting other's words.

His He wore a tuxedo

That's what you meant, right?

with a rose tucked securely in his front pocket

Why is this rose so important, anyway? I mean, we never hear about it again for the remainder of the story. Just my thoughts, you know?

He had been there every day, for several days.

I don't see a reason to have a comma at all in this sentence.

As I entered the kitchen, which was full of pots and pans, and other items,

Not to be insulting or anything, but a lot of people have pots and pans in their kitchens. Just pointing that out to you. And please don't take the harsh criticism personally...!

I told me parents

I think that's how they'd say it in the UK, so I'm not sure if you're used to talking this way, but I, because I'm in the US, would prefer 'my'.

my mother looked and me at smiled

Switch around 'and' and 'at'. Also, I think '...my mother saw me and smiled' sounds better. Just my opinion!

Richard beckoned me to go over.

Wouldn't 'come over' be better in this case?

dragging me to an alley

First of all, I'll say you have a really rough friend. But I'm certainly intrigued that you guys live near dark alleys...ooh, spooky...are you guys downtown? Wait, that doesn't make much sense, does it?

‘Well, they say he has eyes that can kill’

End mark at end of quotation.

‘I beg your pardon?’

Very sophisticated language for a teen! (or is it a tween? or a mere child? or a toddler, even?! naw...) I'd personally never say something like that! More likely, a teen or one of those younger people would say, 'Excuse me?' or 'Did you just say what I think you said?' So yeah.

‘If you don’t believe me, too bad,’ Richard said it in a serious undertone.

Either take out the 'it' completely or put a period in place of the comma at the end of the quotation. I'm personally for the former.

He took out his mask

You meant took off his mask, right?

He had a long scar running down his cheeks

What do you think about changing this to 'He had a long scar running across (or down) his face'? It sounds smoother to me.

I quickly closed the curtains

Consistent tense throughout, man!

I saw him, standing out there, this time, his back was facing me. I followed his gaze, his was staring at Richard!

I saw Richard staring right back at him, his face pale with fright, as if he had seen a ghost.

I tried to get his attention, I waved my hands at him, then yelled across the building. It didn’t work. I had an idea.

I ran across to his house, I rang the doorbell, it was locked. I tried the back door, thankfully it wasn’t locked.

I raced up the stairs, and into his bedroom.

As you can see, lots of I's used in here. Also, the bolded 'his' should be 'he'.

‘Not a problem,’

Again, fancy language. Personally, I'd probably say 'No problem,' or something like that.

‘Four people died,’ he announced, ‘Last one killed under a tree’

Last shouldn't be capitalized because there's a comma after announced. However, if you really want to keep it capitalized, then change that comma to a period.

Anyway, love how you're really involved in YWS! Look how many stories you've posted already! At least 3. Great story overall; it's really captivating, interesting, and exciting. All at the same time. Please keep writing. And please don't take the harsh criticism personally! Yes, I'm a harsh reviewer. But I will always, no matter what, put something positive in my critiques. Thanks for listening to me ramble on and on! Bye for now.

Ummm, the first part was a little bit iffy for me. Read it out loud, it sort of sounds like the window is bright or the figure. Also, how do you know it was a he? Looming tallness? Wide shoulders?

His wore a tuxedo with a rose tucked securely in his front pocket.

First word should be, "He". Wow, the character must have bad eyesight. She can't see his face, but she can see the rose tucked into his front pocket. Unless you forgot to add that only his face was shaded and the rest of his body was visible. Then that would make sense. Maybe you would want to add that somewhere.

He had been there every day, for several days. He never moved, it was as if he was watching someone. I tried to ignore him, but I couldn’t.

Okay, this peaks my interest. Very strange. I would like to know why she had never gone outside to look at his face, as he never moves, but this sounds interesting.

Then he turned in my direction and stared at me with his dark eyes, I froze with fear.

Didn't she just say he never moved? No offense, or anything, but if an inanimate object started moving I would be afraid, I would be shocked out of my pants!

I tried to turn my head around but I couldn’t, my eyes were fixed on his face, and his on mine.

So you weren't looking to each other's eyes. Just looking at each other's faces? Maybe that should be reworded. It sounds a little bit odd.

Finally, he turned away, I heaved a sigh of relief, then I heard my mother calling me.

He physically turned away? Moved away from the spot he never moved from? Or did he just look away? Also, please add a little description to the way things are. " . . then I heard my mother calling me, her voice high-pitched and wince-worthy."

‘Timmy, come down to have lunch,’ she yelled from the kitchen.

I apologise for thinking the character was a girl. Or is Timmy a girl? I will have to read on!

I ran down the creaky stairs, two steps at a time.

Mmmm, try something along the lines, "As I ran down the stairs, two at a time, they moaned under my feet and creaked under the pressure."

As I entered the kitchen, which was full of pots and pans, and other items, my mother looked and me at smiled.

In my mind, " . . which was full of pots and pans" puts the image of a room just overflowing with pots and pans and nothing else. Maybe full is a bad word in this case. Possibly something like, " . . . which contained different cooking ware - ranging from pots right to pans."

‘Your favorite today, fish and chips,’ she told me.

If you're not going to describe how she told this to you, you really don't need, " . . .,' she told me."

I sat myself nearest to the window, so that I could look out, I saw Richard playing soccer with some of his friends. I’d go join them later, I thought.

First sentence should either have an "and" somewhere or be cut into two. Say it out loud - it doesn't make much sense. Perhaps, " . . . nearest to the window to look outside. I noticed Richard playing soccer . . ." and so on so forth.

I dug into my food, eating and watching them playing at the same time. Finally I finished my food.

This seems like a pointless paragraph. Add the taste of the chips, were they dry, were the oily? Did he eat with his fingers? Or a knife and fork. Adding descriptions would definitely give make this paragraph better.

‘I’m going out for a while,’ I told me parents, then rushed out.

I wasn't aware that Timmy's dad was in the room. Maybe you should state that somewhere.

Richard beckoned me to go over.

Should be " . . . beckoned me to come over." How did Richard beckon? Did he gesture with his hands?

‘Hey, Seth, let me tell you something, come with me,’ he said, dragging me to an alley.

Into an alley? Or are you standing in front of it. Is this alley near your house? How did you come by it so fast?

‘You know there’s a guy that keeps on watching us, right?’ he began. ‘Well, they say he has eyes that can kill’

Firstly, "He began," feels like it should go first not last. And then in place of began you could put "continued". Full Stop after " . . . eye that can kill".

‘I beg your pardon?’ I asked.

I asked doesn't really need to be here. You can pretty much guess that he is asking that.

‘It’s true,’ he continued. ‘They say that if he stares at you, you’re frozen to the spot, I had it before. If he continues to do that, you’ll die of fear’

Confirmed should replace continued. Also, please remember fullstops.

‘That’s rubbish,’ I laughed.

"I laughed doesn't sound right here. Maybe try something else. Or rephrase it something like, " . . I laughed and retorted, "That's rubbish!"

‘If you don’t believe me, too bad,’ Richard said it in a serious undertone.

I'm afraid you can't say things IN a serious undertone, maybe WITH one would sound more correct. And "it" doesn't really need to be there.

I went back home and headed back to my room. I looked out of my window for the second time today. He was still there, and he was looking right at me.

Why doesn't the character just check the tree? It seems plausible to me. Please state how he got home, from where and why. What he felt as he strode towards his window.

I was once again rooted to the spot, unable to move because of fear. I panicked, I tried to shout for help, but no words came out. It was like all my muscles had become stiff.

I like this paragraph. Nothing too serious to note about it.

He took out his mask, and I saw his face.

Off is the word I think you were looking for, not "out". When did he start wearing a mask?

He had a long scar running down his cheeks, he smiled at me. I shuddered. Then he looked away. I quickly close the curtains and hid under my blanket.

A long scar running vertically down ONE cheek or a long scar running across both cheeks horizontally? The short sentences here break it up a lot and make it a little jarring. Perhaps combine some together?

I was scared, I didn’t believe what Rich had said at first, but now it seemed to be the truth.

Why did it seem to be the truth? I'm having a hard time understanding the OC.

The next day, I woke up again. I remembered what had happened yesterday. I looked out of the window again, out of pure curiosity.

Again after "I woke up" is not needed. We all wake up. We don't need to say we did it again, unless he had woken up previously that night. The third sentence should be reversed. "Out of pure curiosity I glanced out the window."

I saw him, standing out there, this time, his back was facing me. I followed his gaze, his was staring at Richard!

So Richard lives next door? Also - should be "he was" not "his".

I saw Richard staring right back at him, his face pale with fright, as if he had seen a ghost.

How did Timmy know it was fright? Richard could've been shocked. Perhaps changed it to, " . . his face was pale with, what I definitely thought was, fright - as if . .".

I tried to get his attention, I waved my hands at him, then yelled across the building. It didn’t work. I had an idea.

Well, I don't know whose attention you are aiming for here, the creepy mans or Richard's. It isn't very obvious.

I ran across to his house, I rang the doorbell, it was locked. I tried the back door, thankfully it wasn’t locked.

Gosh, Timmy is an awfully fast runner. To completely switch from the front door to the backdoor just like that. Perhaps have bits in between, like " . . . my heart was hammering. Would I be in time to save Richard? . . . I ran to the back door, my feet eating up the pathway."

I raced up the stairs, and into his bedroom. Avoiding the gaze of the man, I pushed Richard away from the window. He fell on his bed, his whole body trembling.

I like this. Very nice.

‘Thanks for that,’ he said in a shaky voice.

Possibly, " . . .,' he said, his voice shaking with fear . . ."

We looked out of the window, the man had disappeared.

At the same time? Lucky timing there.

The next morning, I came down for breakfast.

Uhh, into his own house? Or Richard's?

‘Just look at this,’ my father sighed. ‘Three people dead, found in bedroom, and it’s in our neighborhood.’

Would you add in the "found in the bedroom" part? Honestly, ask yourself, would you? If you wouldn't on average not many people would

‘What’s the world coming to nowadays,’ my mother replied.

I love it when people say that. It makes them seem old.

I wanted to tell them about the guy with the killer eyes, but I daren’t. If they knew about that we would probably have to move.

I am not sure, daren't is a word. It might be, but I think "dare not" fits in better.

Over the next few days, the reports stopped.

I was puzzled, then another report came out. The headlines read ‘Man standing under a tree killed during a lightning storm’.

LOL! That just made me laugh out loud. That's hilarious.

So, this guy was killed trying to kill. My father sighed again after reading the headlines.

‘Four people died,’ he announced, ‘Last one killed under a tree’

I grinned, we were finally safe.

I like it. This last bit. However, I would've enjoyed a comment from the mother, replying again as if, she is older and wiser.

Overall:

I think this is a good story, with a nice plot. However, you seem to skip a lot of information out when you're writing. Perhaps this is because you need to get it out of your head otherwise you'll lose it. I think with a proper fix up this story would be a great read and have the reader's sitting on the edge of their seats.

I am sorry if anything I have written was harsh, but criticism usually helps.

Have A Nice Day.
Azrael.

Hi!

So, oh my gosh, this story totally has potential. Like... the ending was great, and I have an idea that could improve the story, let alone make the ending better.

When I read the piece, the ending completely threw me off. A lightning bolt? That was very random indeed. However, this can be easily fixed by hinting the reader (or 'foreshadowing') with maybe cloudy or rainy days. Perhaps a weather forecast or maybe Seth has a friend who's a complete science genius and starts talking about his science project dealing with lightning and electricity, mentioning how it's unsafe to stand under a tree during a storm. Provide hints like that, and it will make the ending so much better.

Now, as usual, lots more description. Take your time describing the kitchen. As a kitchen, it's only natural to have dishes here and there. Is it messy? Is there food everywhere? Does the kitchen have a unique design to it? Or perhaps the kitchen's look isn't that important. Mention the heels clacking against the linoleum floors or sitting at the ten-year-old wooden table with little pencil marks and grooves here and there. Lots and lots of possible ways to describe. Get creative!

How you introduced Richard was very random as well. And he suddenly knew who the man was? That pretty much gives away the entire story. If Richard knows, why didn't he tell his parents or the police? How did Richard find out? I almost would have preferred Richard didn't know and Seth ended up explaining to Richard what was going on in Richard's room. Or don't explain it at all! Just show that the man has eyes that freezes people to the spot all the time. Have Seth witness someone dying of fright. This lets the reader make their own conclusions or analyze the story themselves, and you can just worry about showing the reader what's going on.

That's all I've got to say! I really hope you clean this up. You should've seen how excited I was when I finished reading this. I couldn't wait to review it! ^_^

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Who was the main character? And was it a girl or a boy? I was confused. I didn't like it at all. (Sorry if this is harsh)

Although the idea has potential, I thought the story was rather "shallow"-it lacked detail and didn't really go deep into the plot.
I didn't really think the ending was all that great either. I mean,the guy has some sort of mysterious power, it's made everyone stiff with fear, and then he just dies?
This story might be a bit better if you got a little deeper with the plot.
(Sorry for the harshness...)

Hey, Pen. ^^ not entirely sure if this is the story you linked me to, my net died as I clicked on it. D= If it's not, PM me or something.

My first impression of this story is potential. You have what is the bones to what could be a compelling story, with a little fleshing out. The part of semi-wisdom I have to give you is- use all five senses. This is what makes books so much better than movies- you can't smell a movie. You can, however, have a smell discribed to you so well in a book that you swear you can smell it. =D Describe what things look like, sound like, feel like, taste like, smell like- this can effectively put your reader right in the scene. ^^

I stared hard at the figure from my window, even though it was bright, he was standing under a shady tree and I could hardly see his features."

I stared hard out of my window. The glare from the concrete below made it hard to see, but under the shade of a tree I could see a figure. I couldn't see his face through the shadows, but his tuxedo with the rose tucked into the pocket was at odds with his surroundings.

Another thing- do not be afraid of paragraphs. They are your friend. Basically, if it is about the same idea, you do not need to press enter. The possible exception is dialogue, however, I am not an expert in that area. >.>

Describe more. ^^ I can't press that enough. Don't clog up your story with unnessesary discription, but some explination of the surroundings would be nice. =D

The ending. It is the bane of many writers, published or no. ^^ yours is plausable. But you should do some foreshadowing- build it up. It would be effective if it wasn't so out of the blue. Like jabber said, talk about thunderstorms or dangers, and emphasise the tree thing. I didn't make the link until I read it again. ^^

But really, this is something that deserves any work you do on it. You have the potential here for a possibly terrifying story. With just a little fleshing out, and little expanding, it could be brilliant. =D

If you have any worries, questions or comments, don't be afraid to approach me. ^^ I don't bite. Hard. >.> <.<

-Nutty