Glimmer

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This is the first chapter of a three part series, it starts off kinda slow, sorry.

I always knew I was different, just how different never hit me until now. But maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, I should start at the beginning since that's where all tales begin.
Please bare with me, it's a little scatter brained.

Once upon a time, there was a girl with long golden tresses, and short hot pink dresses, with eyes a pale blue, and a complexion of a ripe pumpkin covered in glue.
Oh wait! Ha ha, that's my next door neighbor, and yes she does look like a pumpkin covered in glue, it's from all the expensive parisian powders, she covers herself in.
Her name is Ashley Ann Kennedy, and she talks like she's the long lost sister of Chip and Dale. You know the little chipmunks from Disney, and if you thought any different then get your head out of the gutter, she only goes there when she's not busy with Playboy, which is on Sunday's.
Kidding, just kidding.
This is a young adult novel, and I'm supposed to be PC.

Sorry I got side-tracked, like I said scatter brained.
My name is Chessa Vaene, middle name unknown, it's actually Victoria and I hate it, makes me think of an old crotchety woman.
Like I said my name is Chessa, like “chess” with an “uhh...” at the end. I'm seventeen years old, a junior at my local high school, and invisible to the human, animal, amphibian, insect, and extra-terrestrial race.
My appearance towards people, is not only invisible, it's dull. Like my hair, you would be nice and call it a light golden brown, and I would call it the color of an old ugly tweed blazer. The style of my hair is a matter-of-fact, in style right now.
Couple inches below the shoulder, straight as a board, thin as a piece of paper, and sheen less. Mousy even, with an unruly tiny retarded widow's peak, that doesn't know which way it wants to lay.
My eyes are a boring dull grey, hidden away by oval-shaped bifocals, names you might call me “Harry Potter,” or if you had the IQ of a fifth grader “four eyes.”
My nose is average, not a honker nor a button.
My lips, I sigh at the thought of them. My lips wold be something if I wanted to understand the meaning of lipstick or lip gloss, but I don't and so they remain pouty, full and rouge less.
I have the body of a twelve year old boy, and B cup boobs. Which I hide behind old ratty jeans, and an endless supply of over-sized sweatshirts, preferably dark colors.
I weigh about 110 lbs, and I'm about 5'6, so you can only imagine that I look like an anorexic stick.
You'll find out more about me, as the story goes on, but right now I have to start getting ready for another glorious day at Monarch Crest High School, in the cold and bitter town of Pointe Horizon, Maine.
“Chessa, love.” My mother's gentle voice called from far away. “It's time to get up, or you'll be late!”
Sitting up, I groaned, rubbing the sleep from my grey eyes. I could smell bacon coming from the kitchen, looking over at the bedside table, the digital clock read 5:45 a.m. Letting out a audible whine, I threw my comforter over my head and tried to fall back to sleep.
It was too early for school, I thought. Much to early, who has the brain power to work at this hour of the morning. I wondered, burrowing myself under the thick purple cover.
“Chessa!” my mom shouted, she was starting to sound pissed. “If you don't get up by the count of three, your going to regret it.
I made a face beneath the blanket, yes my mom still did the counting threat, you would think I was only five years old. She wishes, 'Life was easier when you were five.' my mother would tell me, as she started to remember the good old days.
“One!” she shouted, I could hear her rummaging through the drawers, her threat to scare me out of bed, it never worked. “Two!”
Leaving the fettle position I had contorted myself into, I swung my legs off the side of my queen size bed. “I'm up, I'm up!” I yelled, before she could get to three.
I heard her laugh, as the rummaging had stopped and all I could hear was the sizzle of the bacon.
Crazy woman, I thought going through my dresser drawers, finding a worn pair of blue jeans, a white tank top, a dark blue scoop neck long-sleeved shirt, and classic black converse high-tops.
Completely dressed, I reluctantly walked out of my room and headed towards the kitchen. Sitting down at the kitchen table, I annoying started to drum my fingers on the hard wooden table top.
My mother, Nilmandra Vaine, set down a plate of bacon and scrambled eggs. I dug in with as much enthusiasm as a fat man on his third piece of apple pie. Slowly chewing my mouth full, I watched my mom sit down across from me with a mug full of scalding black coffee.
I scrutinized her while she drank the disgusting muck, the Ethiopians and most Americans thought a good beverage.
She had mahogany colored hair, thick and wavy the softness and sheen of silk, her eyes were slightly tilted, beautiful slate grey eyes. Her nose was small and straight, her lips held their own natural cupids bow, a blush pink tint always held her cheeks. My mother was a very vivid and alive person, always laughing and smiling, unlike her somber daughter.
She was barely 5'5 and weighed as much or less then me, her body- well lets just say that men gawked at her more then at me.
“Chessa, quit dawdling, or your going to be late, again.” her soprano voice sang out.
I scowled, shoving my chair backwards I headed for the sink. “What does it matter?” I asked, wanting to toss the floral ceramic dishes into the sink, I was feeling destructive that morning. “Spring break is only two days away, and then after that freedom.”
Nilmandra sat there finishing up her cup of coffee, her perfectly shaped eyebrows, drawing together. I could tell she didn't want to hear my bitching, so I walked out, grabbed my messenger bag from the beige wing-backed chair, through on a chocolate brown zip-up hoodie, and stormed out of the house, making sure to slam the front door as hard as I could, I was feeling very destructive that morning.
Taking the keys to my black Mazda RX 8, from my pocket, I tried dodging raindrops. Turning the car on, the purring of the motor gave my goose bumps, I cranked the stereo up so loud that I was sure my ears would bleed, then I was on my way to hell, excuse me high school.
Walking from Pre-calculus to World History, I kept my head down, minding my own business. People didn't notice me, even though I had known them all since the second grade, I wasn't anything new, not a shiny new toy.
Occasionally people I sorta knew in the hallway, would say “Hi.” to be polite, but some nice girls like Holly Gardner, would stop and ask me how everything in my life was going, I would answer a straight 'good, or bad'
And other girls like Ashley Kennedy, would throw her nose up in the air at me, as I walked past her.
It didn't bother me either way, I'm like the color beige, people don't necessarily like beige. If you wanted to be nice in the way you were describing me, I guess you could say I was the color of oatmeal, everyone likes oatmeal, but not plain oatmeal. More like apple cinnamon, or maple brown sugar. But not plain oatmeal, or beige, or me.
I am bland to the human eye.
But around this time I do have someone to walk me to my class rooms from day to day, and they should be arriving in 3...2...1!
“Chessa!” a deep sultry voice, cried out behind me.
Turning around, I smiled the first time that morning. Standing before me, were two of the greatest people in the world, my best friends forever and always.
The deep creamy voice, belonged to my Native-American friend, she was a Powhatan, claims to be a direct descendant of Pocahontas. Her name Chekotay Gray, but she prefers to be called Cherry, for short.
“Hey, Cherry.” I greeted her with a hug, we go way back, diapers maybe.
Next to greet me was little Irina Kolesnikov, or Rini for short. Rini's mother swore that she had blue blood in her, whatever that meant.
If I were to guess what it meant, I would guess that both my friends were somehow related to cool dead historical people, and I am still oatmeal.
How cool is my life?
Both my friends were gorgeous, unlike me.
Rini had bouncy spiral red curls, striking blue eyes, a body similar to a super-models, shorter then me. She had the aura of someone who was a long lost descendant of the Romanov's, she scared the boys at school, they were to immature for her, it was that and she liked to wear black leather. You would think that teenage boys would love that look, apparently not.
Along the outside of Rini's forearms, is a tattoo of two Russian Proverbs, one arm I'm sure says something like, 'God wanted to chastise mankind, so he sent lawyers.' the other arm says, 'Eternal peace only lasts until the next war.'
But to be honest, I'm pretty sure that she lied to me and the tattoo's say something like, 'American Boys suck eggs, and Mikhail Baryshnikov is boss!'
Cherry on the other hand, is a giant for her age. She stands at 5'11, towering over most boys at school, so they really don't want anything to do with a “Freak-show” like her. Cherry has long black hair, course as the day is long. Her almond shaped eyes hold the darkest brown iris the world has ever known, you would think that her iris is black but when the light hits it just right you see a flicker of gold, her body is lean and fit.
Cherry has a cool little extra thing to, kinda like Rini only different. Cherry has five piercings in both her ears, and has her tongue pierced. Her parents weren't to happy about the tongue, but they had put their foot down on tattoo's and belly button piercings, a belly button piercings was a little to whorish for them.
And me, did I have any cool piercings or tattoos? No. My mother won't allow it.
Oh woe is me, for I am nothing but ugly tweed coats, and oatmeal!
The heart wants, the body needs, and the mind suffers. - me




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This was a pretty good begining. There are just a few thing you could change. First off, you spend too much time describing the characters. We don't need to hear all the little details. They become clear to us as we're reading the story and they react a certain way to events. I think it helps you to add a little comedy in there. And you should probably give a little hint about why it's going to be a fantasy story.
It's a dangerous business, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no telling where you might be swept off to. -Bilbo Baggins




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Hi, I'm OxfordandOnyx and I'll be reviewing your work (:

You're grammer is fairly good, there are a mistakes but re-read a few times and you should be able to spot them youself.

Opening
The opening line is catchy, I like it. However, it leads on to become quite confusing. Your main character speaks of a woman with 'long golden tresses' but then you abrupty stop speaking about her and moves on to talk about something else. What was the point of introducing this character? Does she have importance in this story? It just seems a bit unnecessary to me- maybe you should leave it out.

Plot
I honestly cannot see where this story is going and I can't work out when this will turn stear into the fantasy genre. For starters, you have the main characters driving off in black Mazda's. You need to give us a hint on why this is a fantasy story, apart from their names, you give us nothing.

Character, dialouge and describtion...
Your main character seems rather bland, probably due to the way she is constantly putting herself down. You push her low self-esteem too far in this,for every character we meet in this chapter, she repeatedly tells us of how much prettier they are conpared herself. If you wish to mould your character around the idea of low self esteem, then fair enough but you are seriously overdoing this. Also, you are throwing way too much description at the reader; you have spent a paragraph describing each character in this chapter- all of them more beautiful than the main. Their height and weight doesn't need to be included in this. It bored me when reading about every tattoo and peircing each of the main character's friends have- please, just cut most of this information out.

Overall
I enjoyed reading your informal writing style, I can see this being a good read if you make the adjustments to it (:

OxfordandOnyx
Four kinds of people I hate most in life.
1. People who use a preposition to end a sentence with.
2. People who can't count.
3. People who think it's 'clever' to quote ironic phrases.




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Thank you both, I am working on the things you said that needed to be fixed. I realize it doesn't sound like a "Fantasy" book yet. But I'll post something that gives a little more away. Thank you again!
The heart wants, the body needs, and the mind suffers. - me




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This is the first chapter of a three part series, it starts off kinda slow, sorry.
I always knew I was different, just how different never hit me until now. But maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, I should start at the beginning since that's where all tales begin.

I always knew I was different, but just how different never hit me until now.

Please bare with me, it's a little scatter brained.
Once upon a time, there was a girl with long golden tresses, and short hot pink dresses, with eyes a pale blue, and a complexion of a ripe pumpkin covered in glue.

Huh? This really doesn’t have to rhyme. A short pink dress and the complexion of a sticky white pumpkin. That doesn’t really paint the most pleasant picture in my mind.

Oh wait! Ha ha, that's my next door neighbor, and yes she does look like a pumpkin covered in glue, it's from all the expensive parisian powders, she covers herself in.

Ok…

Her name is Ashley Ann Kennedy, and she talks like she's the long lost sister of Chip and Dale. You know the little chipmunks from Disney, and if you thought any different then get your head out of the gutter, she only goes there when she's not busy with Playboy, which is on Sunday's.
Kidding, just kidding.
This is a young adult novel, and I'm supposed to be PC.
Sorry I got side-tracked, like I said scatter brained.


This isn’t making any sense to me.


My name is Chessa Vaene, middle name unknown, it's actually Victoria and I hate it, makes me think of an old crotchety woman.
Like I said my name is Chessa, like “chess” with an “uhh...” at the end. I'm seventeen years old, a junior at my local high school, and invisible to the human, animal, amphibian, insect, and extra-terrestrial race.
My appearance towards people, is not only invisible, it's dull. Like my hair, you would be nice and call it a light golden brown, and I would call it the color of an old ugly tweed blazer. The style of my hair is a matter-of-fact, in style right now.

Thw style of my hair is matter of fact, in style right now. What does that mean? Curly straight bobbed?

Couple inches below the shoulder, straight as a board, thin as a piece of paper, and sheen less. Mousy even, with an unruly tiny retarded widow's peak, that doesn't know which way it wants to lay.


My hair ends a couple inches below my shoulders, and it’s straight and as thin as a piece of paper. It has just as much shine as a piece of cardboard. Try to make your descriptions as interesting as possible, to keep them from becoming boring. Also, I really don’t like the ‘unruly tiny retarded widow’s peak’ line.


My eyes are a boring dull grey, hidden away by oval-shaped bifocals, names you might call me “Harry Potter,” or if you had the IQ of a fifth grader “four eyes.”


My eyes are a boring, dull grey, and are hidden behind oval-shaped bifocals. My nose is average; not a honker nor a button.
Leave out the harry potter four eyes part.



My nose is average, not a honker nor a button.
My lips, I sigh at the thought of them. My lips wold be something if I wanted to understand the meaning of lipstick or lip gloss, but I don't and so they remain pouty, full and rouge less.

You really could’ve done without the lip descriptions, because your descriptions are really getting boring by now.

I have the body of a twelve year old boy, and B cup boobs. Which I hide behind old ratty jeans, and an endless supply of over-sized sweatshirts, preferably dark colors.


Do you really need to tell us your cup size? A little unnecessary if you ask me. You don’t have to tell us what you wear yet, just make comments as the story goes on- ex. ‘I spilt the juice on my ratty sweatshirt. Just another stain, I thought to myself, it really didn’t make much difference.’ Or, ‘I threw on a pair of jeans I found laying on my floor. I wasn’t sure if they were the ones I had worn the day before; all my pairs look the same.’ Do you get what I’m saying?


I weigh about 110 lbs, and I'm about 5'6, so you can only imagine that I look like an anorexic stick.
You'll find out more about me, as the story goes on, but right now I have to start getting ready for another glorious day at Monarch Crest High School, in the cold and bitter town of Pointe Horizon, Maine.
“Chessa, love.” My mother's gentle voice called from far away. “It's time to get up, or you'll be late!”
Sitting up, I groaned, rubbing the sleep from my grey eyes. I could smell bacon coming from the kitchen, looking over at the bedside table, the digital clock read 5:45 a.m. Letting out a audible whine, I threw my comforter over my head and tried to fall back to sleep.


Sitting up, I groaned and rubbed the sleep from my eyes. The familiar smell of bacon wafted from the kitchen and into my room, making my stomach growl. I turned over and read the digital clock on my bedside table. 5:45 a.m.. I let out an audible whine and threw the comforter back over my head and tried to go back to sleep.

Is it just me or is it a little weird that her mother wakes her up for school? I mean she’s 17! Ive been getting up by myself since I was 11 or 12, and I wake up at 5:15.



It was too early for school, I thought. Much to early, who has the brain power to work at this hour of the morning. I wondered, burrowing myself under the thick purple cover.
“Chessa!” my mom shouted, she was starting to sound pissed. “If you don't get up by the count of three, your going to regret it.


It was way too early for school, I thought. Who made up these dumb rules anyway? Nobody has the brainpower to work this early in the morning. I burrowed myself under the thick purple covers.
Again, I would say your character sounds like a 13 year old.



I made a face beneath the blanket, yes my mom still did the counting threat, you would think I was only five years old. She wishes, 'Life was easier when you were five.' my mother would tell me, as she started to remember the good old days.
“One!” she shouted, I could hear her rummaging through the drawers, her threat to scare me out of bed, it never worked. “Two!”


I made a face at ther beneath the blanket. The way my mother still does the counting threat you’d think I was still five years old. She’d always say how much easier life was when I was five.



Leaving the fettle position I had contorted myself into, I swung my legs off the side of my queen size bed. “I'm up, I'm up!” I yelled, before she could get to three.
I heard her laugh, as the rummaging had stopped and all I could hear was the sizzle of the bacon.


The way she said, ‘I’m up I’m up!” made it sound like the counting trick DID work every morning, despite what you said.


Crazy woman, I thought going through my dresser drawers, finding a worn pair of blue jeans, a white tank top, a dark blue scoop neck long-sleeved shirt, and classic black converse high-tops.
Completely dressed, I reluctantly walked out of my room and headed towards the kitchen. Sitting down at the kitchen table, I annoying started to drum my fingers on the hard wooden table top.
My mother, Nilmandra Vaine, set down a plate of bacon and scrambled eggs. I dug in with as much enthusiasm as a fat man on his third piece of apple pie. Slowly chewing my mouth full, I watched my mom sit down across from me with a mug full of scalding black coffee.


My mother, Nilmandra Vaine, set down a plate of bacon and scrambled eggs in front of me. I dove into the meal with zero enthusiasm, mostly picking at the squishy yellow blobs and red meat. I watched my mom as she sat across from me with her usual mug of scalding black coffee.



I scrutinized her while she drank the disgusting muck, the Ethiopians and most Americans thought a good beverage.


I scrutinized her while she drank the disgusting muck; an ideal breakfast for most Americans.


She had mahogany colored hair, thick and wavy the softness and sheen of silk, her eyes were slightly tilted, beautiful slate grey eyes. Her nose was small and straight, her lips held their own natural cupids bow, a blush pink tint always held her cheeks. My mother was a very vivid and alive person, always laughing and smiling, unlike her somber daughter.


Her mahogany hair fell over her shoulders in sheens of soft, wavy locks. Her eyes were like mine, but somehow they looked better on her face. Her nose was small and straight, and she had a perfect pout- accented by a natural cupids bow, and her cheeks held a tint of pink blush. She was barely 5’5’ and weighed as much or less than me, and her body held all the womanly shape I hadn’t managed to pick up. My mother was a very alive and vivid person, much unlike her somber daughter.



She was barely 5'5 and weighed as much or less then me, her body- well lets just say that men gawked at her more then at me.
“Chessa, quit dawdling, or your going to be late, again.” her soprano voice sang out.
I scowled, shoving my chair backwards I headed for the sink. “What does it matter?” I asked, wanting to toss the floral ceramic dishes into the sink, I was feeling destructive that morning. “Spring break is only two days away, and then after that freedom.”


I scowled at her, shoving my chair backwards as I headed for the sink.
“What does it matter?” I asked, resisting the urge to toss the floral ceramic dishes into the sink and instead resting them on the counter, “Spring break is only two days away, and then freedom.”



Nilmandra sat there finishing up her cup of coffee, her perfectly shaped eyebrows, drawing together. I could tell she didn't want to hear my bitching, so I walked out, grabbed my messenger bag from the beige wing-backed chair, through on a chocolate brown zip-up hoodie, and stormed out of the house, making sure to slam the front door as hard as I could, I was feeling very destructive that morning.


Nilmandra sat there finishing up her cup of coffee, her perfectly shaped eyebrows drawing together. I could tell she didn’t want to listen to my bitching, so I walked over to the spotlessly clean, beige chair and picked up my messenger bag. I threw on an old, lackluster brown hoodie and stormed out of the house without another word, making sure to slam the door as hard as I could on my way out.

Make your story more dramatic- make the difference between Chessa and Nilmandra even more obvious.

Taking the keys to my black Mazda RX 8, from my pocket, I tried dodging raindrops. Turning the car on, the purring of the motor gave my goose bumps, I cranked the stereo up so loud that I was sure my ears would bleed, then I was on my way to hell, excuse me high school.


I tried dodging raindrops on the way to my car, taking the keys to the black Mazda RX 8 from my pocket. The familiar purr of the motor initiated when I turned the key. I backed out of the driveway, turning the stereo up loud enough to make my ears throb pleasantly before I hit the road that would take me to hell- er… excuse me high school.



Walking from Pre-calculus to World History, I kept my head down, minding my own business. People didn't notice me, even though I had known them all since the second grade, I wasn't anything new, not a shiny new toy.


Maybe add a little more to the appearance of your school as you approach it. It’s a little jump of time between on the road to at least the second hour of school.




Occasionally people I sorta knew in the hallway, would say “Hi.” to be polite, but some nice girls like Holly Gardner, would stop and ask me how everything in my life was going, I would answer a straight 'good, or bad'
And other girls like Ashley Kennedy, would throw her nose up in the air at me, as I walked past her.


Occasionally I would pass people in the hallway that I sort of knew, and they would stop and say “Hi,” to be polite. A few girls like Holly Gardner would stop and ask me how things were going, and I would answer a straight ‘good’ or ‘bad’.



It didn't bother me either way, I'm like the color beige, people don't necessarily like beige. If you wanted to be nice in the way you were describing me, I guess you could say I was the color of oatmeal, everyone likes oatmeal, but not plain oatmeal. More like apple cinnamon, or maple brown sugar. But not plain oatmeal, or beige, or me.



It didn’t really bother me either way. I was like oatmeal; people would eat oatmeal if it had apples or cinnamon or brown sugar, but no wants to eat plain oatmeal. I was too bland for people.


I am bland to the human eye.
But around this time I do have someone to walk me to my class rooms from day to day, and they should be arriving in 3...2...1!
“Chessa!” a deep sultry voice, cried out behind me.
Turning around, I smiled the first time that morning. Standing before me, were two of the greatest people in the world, my best friends forever and always.
The deep creamy voice, belonged to my Native-American friend, she was a Powhatan, claims to be a direct descendant of Pocahontas. Her name Chekotay Gray, but she prefers to be called Cherry, for short.



The voice belonged to Chekotay Gray, my Native American friend. She claimed to be a Powhatan, and a direct descendant of Pocahontas. We called her Cherry, for short.



“Hey, Cherry.” I greeted her with a hug, we go way back, diapers maybe.



Next to greet me was little Irina Kolesnikov, or Rini for short. Rini's mother swore that she had blue blood in her, whatever that meant.
If I were to guess what it meant, I would guess that both my friends were somehow related to cool dead historical people, and I am still oatmeal.
How cool is my life?
Both my friends were gorgeous, unlike me.
Rini had bouncy spiral red curls, striking blue eyes, a body similar to a super-models, shorter then me. She had the aura of someone who was a long lost descendant of the Romanov's, she scared the boys at school, they were to immature for her, it was that and she liked to wear black leather. You would think that teenage boys would love that look, apparently not.


Rini had bouncy, spiral red curls, striking blue eyes, and a body similar to every know supermodel.
The black leather thing is a little weird for me; I can’t exactly picture it, and it sounds a little slutty.




Along the outside of Rini's forearms, is a tattoo of two Russian Proverbs, one arm I'm sure says something like, 'God wanted to chastise mankind, so he sent lawyers.' the other arm says, 'Eternal peace only lasts until the next war.'
But to be honest, I'm pretty sure that she lied to me and the tattoo's say something like, 'American Boys suck eggs, and Mikhail Baryshnikov is boss!'
Cherry on the other hand, is a giant for her age. She stands at 5'11, towering over most boys at school, so they really don't want anything to do with a “Freak-show” like her. Cherry has long black hair, course as the day is long. Her almond shaped eyes hold the darkest brown iris the world has ever known, you would think that her iris is black but when the light hits it just right you see a flicker of gold, her body is lean and fit.


Course as the day is long doesn’t make sense. Cherry has long black hair that reaches her lower back, with a course texture. Her almond shaped eyes are so dark a brown that they appeared black until you got really close to her face and could see the gold flecks. Cherry’s body was healthy-looking; lean and fit.


Cherry has a cool little extra thing to, kinda like Rini only different. Cherry has five piercings in both her ears, and has her tongue pierced. Her parents weren't to happy about the tongue, but they had put their foot down on tattoo's and belly button piercings, a belly button piercings was a little to whorish for them.


Has a cool little extra thing? That sentence sounds horrible. Leave it out- just say she has piercings.


And me, did I have any cool piercings or tattoos? No. My mother won't allow it.
Oh woe is me, for I am nothing but ugly tweed coats, and oatmeal!


Some last comments for you- WAY too many descriptions. Focus only on the important details- Rini’s tough girl attitude, flaming red hair and supermodel appearance. Cherri’s height, race and piercings. Don’t give us too much information about them at the moment, give us some time to digest the main characteristics. You can always add in extra features later- ‘rini spun her head around, facing me with icy blue eyes’ or ‘cherri flipped her long dark locks over her shoulder’ do you get what I mean? First, let us get used to the characters and work with our own imaginations.
The beginning was really weak. I had no idea where you were going with this, and it sounded way juvenile- especially since your character was 17. I do like the contrast and tension with Chessa and her mom, though. That was nicely done in my opinion. I also liked the comparison to Chessa and oatmeal- that was really creative! Add more descriptions like that!
So I would go back and play with the descriptions right now because they are a little too… descriptive
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk




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Points 1670
Reviews 8
I really like the narrator of this story. She has a quirky sense of humor that is easy to relate to.

The main problem that I found with your story is that you had too much information regarding the characters and objects. There was definitely too much information when you were presenting your narrator. It all just became very dry for me. Whenever you start giving out the numerical statistics about something, you have gone into too much detail. Regarding objects, you describe everything. Do I really need to know that the narrator has a queen sized bed? Learn to pick and choose what information you tell. Only give us the need-to-knows.

I do like that you have such a good grasp on the appearance of your characters though. It shows that you have put thought into them. This is a must-have quality for a good writer.

Not much happens in your story, I think that you should find something else that will keep the reader reading. The good narrator will only get you so far in a dry series.

I hope that you find my review helpful. I am very curious what you make out of these characters.




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Points 1490
Reviews 5
Most of what I found is a reiteration of what others have pointed out already. You tend to go overboard with physical descriptions, and those really bog down the pace. Not only that, physical descriptions are boring. It's like reading a packing label:

Contains (1)Chessa
Height: 5'6"
Weight: 110
Hair: Dirty Blonde
Eyes: Gray
Face: has an average nose
Product Faults:
-boyish figure
-small boobs
-glasses
-lack of fashion sense
-chapped lips
-is oatmeal

Boring! And I could do that with nearly all your characters.

finding a worn pair of blue jeans, a white tank top, a dark blue scoop neck long-sleeved shirt, and classic black converse high-tops.


This is not necessary, especially since you tell us what she likes to wear before this. Unnecessary description of clothing or appearance is a pet peeve of mine, so I tend to get after people about it. The only times abundant clothing description is really effective is if a character's appearance has radically changed or is unusual in some way. For instance, I have a character who dresses like a man most of the time and never brushes her hair, so when she shows up in a red silk gown wearing diamonds, it's a big deal, especially to the man looking at her. :lol:

She was barely 5'5 and weighed as much or less then me,


I'm noticing a trend of skinny=sexy here, which, let me assure you, it does not. I am thin with a boyish figure, but my roommate, who is short and with hips like an ancient earth goddess gets all the whistles. Men like curves. Seriously. :wink:

Along the outside of Rini's forearms, is a tattoo of two Russian Proverbs, one arm I'm sure says something like, 'God wanted to chastise mankind, so he sent lawyers.' the other arm says, 'Eternal peace only lasts until the next war.'
But to be honest, I'm pretty sure that she lied to me and the tattoo's say something like, 'American Boys suck eggs, and Mikhail Baryshnikov is boss!'


What school does she go to?! A tattooed Russian dominatrix in black leather? In a high school? My high school would eviscerate you if you wore leather or publicly displayed body art of any kind, and it was a public school! (Though I have to agree, Baryshnikov is so totally boss! That man can leap!)

My favorite part of this was your description of her neighbor. I found it absolutely hilarious, and it really lets us see her personality and acidic sense of humor. I loved it! (Though I actually do know a girl who poses for Playboy...she's a very down to earth and sweet person. You'd never guess that was her job.)
"We may be starving artists, but humanity's soul would starve in the absence of our efforts".

~Dr. Michael O'Hara
Associate Dean, College of Fine Arts




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Hello, bonjour, hallo, ola, ciao, whatever thou speaketh, I am Mr. blackpencil and I wish to review your work, thank you very much.

Okay! Let's begin. First of all... AAAAARGH!!! Massive infodump chapter! Most people skip chapters like these.
Let me explain my reasoning.

1. Your character descriptions are too lengthy. Your main character shouldn't know everything from how tall everyone is too how heavy they are! What, does she pull out a measuring tape and start measuring every knew person she meets?! Supply enought information to let the reader create a mental picture of the character, don't hand us a photograph! Let movie-makers find the perfect real world match :lol:

2. No action. NOTHING interesting happens here. Ok, she goes to school. Woo-hoo. No fight, no strange dream at the beginning, no strange new guy in school, nothing. BORING.

3. Too real. Why exactly is this a fantasy novel?

Once upon a time, there was a girl with long golden tresses, and short hot pink dresses, with eyes a pale blue, and a complexion of a ripe pumpkin covered in glue.

Um, what the fudge?

I like how you used the oatmeal thing. Don't you dare overdo it in the next chapter. I would kill you.

Okay, sorry, and goodbye!
If you're learning from your mistakes, you shouldn't be making the same ones again.




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I was impressed with how much you break the fourth wall in the beginning, likely because I'm experimenting with something similar at the moment. That said, I can't help but feel like you spend too much time telling me stuff here. All the descriptions of the characters are big info dumps, you talk about stuff that happens but you don't show it happening, and worst of all, nothing happens in this chapter except for the MC complaining about her life. And no offense, but I've read a million stories that begin with the MC complaining about how bland her looks and/or life are, and how everyone she knows is prettier than she is. Why are so many female protagonists awash with poor self esteem? Still, this is a direct complaint about character, not execution, so it's not really "wrong", just something that bugs me personally. I'd work on this some more. At least have something happen in this first chapter. As is, there's no way to tell this is supposed to be a fantasy story, although if you're going to follow convention I'm almost certain the protagonist will soon be swept away to a magical land where everyone loves her and at least two hot guys spend the whole book drooling all over her...

Sorry if I come off as mean, I really don't want to. But these are my honest thoughts, so please take them as well as possible, and don't stop writing.
“The most powerful weapon on earth is the human soul on fire.”
– Marshal Ferdinand Foch



The things you are passionate about are not random, they are your calling.
— Fabienne Fredrickson