Battle Of The Blood Moon

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This is one version of the opening to my story....please let me know if i info dumped. pritque please!


Part 1. January
Chapter 1.

It was the start of a new year. I couldn’t help but get the sense something was odd. Maybe I was just being paranoid… my Father was working and I was worried sick.

I tapped my fingers on the marble table in front of me, running my hand through my snow white hair. My cousin, Artemis, was on the other side eating his breakfast. I yawned and put my head on the table. We’d gone to a huge party for the New Year the night before, I didn’t know how he could be so awake! The New Year is a huge thing for immortals, the longer the world dragged on in life, the longer we all had a purpose, to protect to the helpless humans. Of course when the world ended in the Apocalypse, which lets face it, we all knew was going to come some day, the immortals would live on. Though there wouldn’t be much of a purpose anymore. Other then the feuds within the race.
Another reason we celebrate the New Year is it means a new Blood Moon is soon to come. Every June twenty-sixth, a Blood Moon occurs, most humans cant see it. Once in a while, one will occur without The Seal of the Luniada. The Seal of the Luniada is a magical barrier which keeps the Blood Moon cloaked by the human’s eyes. It activates itself on the Day of the Blood Moon…but sometimes the seal needs to rest, and it wont activate, this is when the humans can see it. Not a big deal really…in less they discovered our existence that is. You see, the Blood Moon makes us human for the day. So we are all very vulnerable.
“Princess,”
I looked up. It was our head messenger angel, James. Oh what I would have given to have just waved my hand and said "Go away I’m too tired to care" but I was the Princess…I didn’t get that privilege. Plus James was a good guy so I wouldn’t be rude to him for doing his job. My cousin said, “Heaven to Rosie, do you read us?”
I reluctantly lifted my head. “Yes?”
James straightened himself out “Your father wants you both in the Counsel Room, you’re late for your lesson.”
Aw crap I thought. I wasn’t watching the time and lost track, it was 9:58am. We were supposed to be in the Counsel Room for our history lesson at 9:30am like every Wednesday. Sigh. Oops. “Okay James, thank you.”
“Yes, Princess.” he dipped his head and snapped his fingers, in a flash he was gone with a small mist where he stood, it lingered in the air for a few seconds before it vanished.
“We’re so dead…” Artemis said.
“Big time.” I bit my lip.
We both jumped up. Artemis tossed his plate gently into the sink and we both tore out of the kitchen, our bare feet slipping on the newly polished linoleum floor.
As we got through the door I jumped up spreading my wings, the black feathers rippling as my wings stretched out after being folded behind me for a few days. I flapped them once bringing me up and started flying. Artemis ran beneath me, he couldn’t fly, he didn’t have wings, but he was the fastest runner I’d ever seen besides my father.
Artemis was only half immortal. His mother was my aunt, my fathers twin sister, she was a Herelden Angel just like the rest of our family. His father was a werewolf…mortal. He still had powers, but he was more vulnerable. Immortals were more durable. Artemis was the only half-breed in our family. Both his parents had died a week apart from each other. We didn’t even know they had a child…but when he showed up on our doorstep one day about two years ago, he told us all about what had happened, his mother died of a disease. His father was killed a week later in battle.
I had said, “Well why didn’t you come to us? We could have helped her.” he looked at his feet after that and shifted from foot to foot.
“I didn’t know who my extended family was…let alone had I known they were the Royal Family…” Sigh. Some Royal Family. There were five of us left. My grandmother an grandfather, my father (who was the king of heaven and god of reality, he ran the entire world, though humans didn’t know that, he controlled what went on) Artemis, and myself. Yeah I know your wondering about my mother. Well she died when I was a month old.. Sigh. I have no memory of her what so ever, my father says she had beautiful red hair almost the color of strawberries. Not that carrot-orange red humans get, real red. Almost maroon. Her eyes were a orange-topaz. She loved me a lot, and she loved my dad. My dad forbid every immortal from ever speaking of how she died…so I didn’t know how. Seemed a bit unfair to me, she was my mom.
“How many hours do you think we’ll be studying THIS time cous’?” Artemis called up to me as we rounded the corridor to the Counsel Room.
“Depends on Mike’s mood today.”
“Yeah, true.”
I landed next to him and we walked into the Counsel Room. Our teacher, Mike, was leaning back at the table reading. “Nice of you two to join me.” he looked over the book. “Luckily I’m feeling generous today. Two hours.”
We groaned. Two whole hours of study time on our Maiden Language, Floran.
“Oh don’t you two give me that. You did this to yourselves, you knew you had class today, you should have gone to bed last night after the Midnight Celebration. Your father has entrusted you two with me for one hour every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.”
Ugh. He was on his stupid speech about how bad we screwed up, and how he was our pathetic little whining teacher/care taker for a frikin’ hour three days a week. Like WOW. Amazing. Fantastic.
I felt Mike’s cold stare on my face and looked at him. “You, my darling Rosileena, would be a disappointment to your mother. Skipping?” he shook his head sorrowfully. “Disgraceful.”
My ears went hot. The tears welled in my eyes as I turned to Artemis and tightly hugged him as the tears streamed down my face.
My best friend hugged me back sympathetically. “Low blow, dude.” he growled. He always made me feel better
“It will be effective though.” He stood up and walked out. “Study.”
I buried my face in my cousins chest crying silently. He rubbed my back. Artemis was fifteen, I was thirteen. We were the best of friends, although we hated each other with a passion at first. Comforting each other was something we were good at. Known as the Terrible Twosome Of Heaven, we constantly plotted pranks against people we hated.
My father and I tried to keep my mother on the D.L because the subject was hard on us. Artemis understood and comforted me. He called me his “baby” cousin sometimes, truthfully I was only two years younger. Then again, I was the size of a ten year older and him a regular fifteen year old. Oh well.
Artemis continued to rub my back. “Don’t worry cous’, Your dad will take care of him.”
“I know.” I sniffed and straightened myself up. “Lets study.” I really didn’t feel like being yelled at anymore, so I sat down at the table and grabbed my text book and we both began reading aloud to one another.
“I’aque dio reo” I mumbled in Kalani (The current language of Heaven.) Translation: “Curse it all to Hell.”



Authors Note: More to come!




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Hi there. I'm not sure if you're aware, but this site has a rule that for every one work you post, you have to review two people. Just go review two people, and you'll be fine. :D

Now, about your story: the whole Immortals explanation was confusing and not very well-set up. It reads, okay, they're immortal. Okay, they're tough to kill. Um... okay, they turn human once a year. I'm wondering why, but I can go with that. Um... they can die from an easily curable illness? You've lost me. Also, do we really need to know right away that the Immortals will lose all purpose once there is the Apocalypse? No. Do we need to know that they'll be feuding with each other after the Apocalypse? No. Do we need to know that Immortals' purpose was to protect humans? Yes, but just telling us this is infodump.

The Blood Moon and seal explanation was also a bit much. Do we really need to know right away that there is a seal on the Blood Moon that keeps humans from seeing it? With the way this story is currently set up, no. Do we need to know that the seal fails every once in a while? Again, with the way the story is currently set up, no. I suggest starting the story just before the Blood Moon comes out; that way, you can have the characters discussing with worry that the seal is down and that they have to be more careful since they are now human. You could have the narrator wondering why humans would want to harm their protectors. Not only will this make the story more interesting right from the get go, it will also allow you to divulge a lot of important information without infodumping.

Also, you infodumped Artemis's origins. Do we really need to know right off the bat that Artemis is a half-werewolf? No. Do we need to know how his parents died? No. All we need to know right away is that Artemis is the narrator's cousin and that he has no wings.

Another thing you infodumped was the narrator's father's occupation and everything about the narrator's mother. Do we need to know that he pretty much controls every aspect of the world right away? No. Do we need to know that he's important? Yes, but you've already shown us that by how James refers to the narrator as Princess. Do we need to know the mother is dead? Yes. Do we need to know what she looked like? No.

So, basically, yes, you infodumped quite a bit. One way of fixing this is, as I suggested, start the story from a point when the important information is on the character's minds already, such as right before the New Year. That way, you'll can show the reader how important the information is to the characters while giving us the information at the same time. It makes it more interesting to read. As this means you'll have to completely rewrite things, it's a bit difficult than the second option. The other option, which is slightly easier, is to ask yourself what information you absolutely need the reader to know right and what information can wait until little later on in the story. Now, sneak bits and pieces of this information into the narrative rather than lumping it all together in one paragraph. The way you introduced that the narrator had wings was a good example of this.

on the D.L

The what? Don't use abbreviations when writing.

Counsel Room

Should be "Council." You counsel (verb) someone. You give someone counsel (noun). A council (noun) is a group of people who meet together. The room in which a council meets is thus a council room.

Overall, what you have now is pretty standard as far as stories go. It is a decent start, and you've got a good foundation, though you still have a ways to go to make this particular story something unique and memorable. The only thing you can do is keep writing and practicing; if you do, I think you'll be surprised at how much of a change you'll see in a month, much less a year, from now. :D
Secretly a Kyllorac, sometimes a Murtle.
There are no chickens in Hyrule.
Princessence: A LMS Project
WRFF | KotGR




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I think your story is good so far. But one thing: Artemis is a Greek Goddess. If you don't care that's fine but if you do you can use her brother's name Apollo. Anouther thing, I agree with the above, you might have info dumped alittle.




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Great story. I am rubbish with the whole spelling/grammar ranting thing. So i will just talk about your plot. At first i found that you had a great story with nice character building. Yes you did info dump just a tiny bit (ah, everybody does this a some point so who cares about a little dump of info here and there)! Yes I loved your story. Im so into the whole immortal/god thing. Anyway, continue. I shall look forward to the next part. Hope i wasn't to mean on you :thud:
*slap myself in the head*


Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.




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You infodumped quite a bit, about the New Year, the immortals and their purpose, Blood moon, the seal, Artemis and his origins, the narrator's family... None of it was necessary and it got in the way of the story.

Nitpicks:

...and it wont activate...

Should be won't.

Not a big deal really…in less they discovered our existence that is.

Firstly, "in less" should be "unless". Secondly, this is a bit awkward. The last bit- "that is" isn't really necessary, and the ellipsis after "Not a big deal really" breaks the flow of the narrative. A comma would work better, I think.

I looked up. It was our head messenger angel, James. Oh what I would have given to have just waved my hand and said "Go away I’m too tired to care" but I was the Princess…I didn’t get that privilege. Plus James was a good guy so I wouldn’t be rude to him for doing his job. My cousin said, “Heaven to Rosie, do you read us?”
I reluctantly lifted my head. “Yes?”

First she looks up. Then Artemis speaks as if she hasn't responded. Then she looks up again. Either she shouldn't look up at first, or delete Artemis' line and Rosie's reaction to it.

Aw crap I thought.

Comma after Aw.

As we got through the door I jumped up spreading my wings, the black feathers rippling as my wings stretched out after being folded behind me for a few days.

A bit redundant. "as my wings stretched out after being folded behind me for a few days" isn't really necessary. Simply, "As we got through the door, I jumped up, spreading my wings with a ripple of black feathers" would work just as well without the wordiness and repetitiveness.

...the D.L...

The what? And period after the L.

I really didn't feel like being yelled at anymore, so I sat down at the table and grabbed my text book and we both began reading aloud to one another.

The "and... and... and" thing is choppy. Get rid of one of the "ands", at least. Personally, I'd end the sentence after "I sat down at the table" and then rephrase the rest to get rid of the conjunction, for example, "We both opened our textbooks and began to read aloud to each other." or something to that effect.

I do like the premise, however. Smooth over some of the rough spots and zap all (or at least most) of the infodumping and it'll be a very interesting opener.



Just think happy thoughts and you'll fly.
— Peter Pan