The (True) Story of Hansel and Gretel : Intro

I need dreadfully need feedback. I made this up on a whim the other day, and I don't know if I should continue or not.



I’m not an evil witch, if that’s what you think I am. I’m just a simple candy maker, nothing more, nothing less. I most definitely do not have a candy cottage in the woods, and I have never, ever eaten a child in my life. I do what I can when a homeless kid shows up at my doorstep, let him or her stay a couple of nights if necessary, and send them on their way. You can’t blame me for children having overactive imaginations.

I had an unsophisticated life before I met Hansel and Gretel. I made candy, sold it at the marketplace, and saved the money I earned. And then what happens? The nasty little beasts steal my life savings and run away with their outrageous story about me being a witch! I still have local villagers banging on my door everyday demanding that I be burned at stake! But I’m getting ahead of myself. Perhaps the best place to start this sad story is at the beginning, and that is exactly what I intend to do...

I like it. I don't think anyone's looked at the story of 'Hansel and Gretel' from the angle that you're looking at it from. Though written many different ways, it's always been the same old two kids walking through the forest who run into a witch that tries to eat them. I like your version. Definately keep writing.

Oh totally write more! I love it already!
A little bit on the short side but a great beginning
Writing it from the "Witch's" perspective is really creative.
Good luck! I can't wait to read more.

I love it, too. It's very original, and telling it from the "villain's" (if indeed the 'witch' is the villain in your tale) perspective will be fun to write as well as read.

I think the best moment in this is when you let the witch talk about "life savings" and "homeless kids". It grounds the story very much in reality, and works very well if you want to twist the traditional Hansel and Gretel. You've taken the first step, but would it work better if you were to shed the fairytale atmosphere completely? It depends, of course, where you're setting it. A modern day Hansel and Gretel could be interesting, but I'm guessing from these two paragraphs that this is not where you're heading. In that case, using "kid" seems out of place, but you understand what I'm getting at - I think detatching it from the original story even further might work even better.

As it is, it's still great. You just need to solidify your target here. Are you simply retelling the story from a different POV? In which case, you'll need to watch the kind of language you use to make sure it fits with the original. Are you modernising it? It's a rough idea, but a very good one and I hope you continue with it.

Hey Blu, I don't know if we've met! Anyway, I'm Stella, hi *waves*

So, this caught my eye because I love fairytales, and it's short so I'll just give you a quick critique:

Okay, it's a bit short to do a full one on, so here are my thoughts: I like the idea of showing the bad side of Hansel and Gretel, it's a really good idea and one that could be amusing. However:

-By telling us they ran away with her lifesavings and told the world she was a witch, you've already given away a large part of your story. Try rewording it so it's more mysterious, you know "But that was all before Hansel and Gretel came along and ruined everything" or something like that...

-It's alway good to know where your character is speaking from. I mean, what's she doing at the moment? Is she in trouble? Or just at home chilling? Did everything calm down? Or are you going to work to this moment and then go on?

-Didn't she have friend sbefore, people who had eaten her candy and trusted her? Were they turned against her as well?

-Why does she get homeless children on her doorstep?

It's very short, and you definitely have material to make it longer with. I think it could work well, and you should continue it. My advice though, would be not too stretch it out too long when you do- that's when retellings begin to kind of get annoying.

As I say, there isn't a whole lot for me to say, develop your voice and have fun with this- that's what'll make it the best it can be!

Hope I helped, and drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella.

Like the others, i really like this idea, it's original. Even though it is short, I enjoyed it so please PM me when you post more of it. Well done and keep writing!

Afeefah

I like this idea. It's different, it's unique, and overall, I think it's genius.
I absolutely love how you began your introduction:

"I’m not an evil witch, if that’s what you think I am. I’m just a simple candy maker, nothing more, nothing less. (I love that sentence.) I most definitely do not have a candy cottage in the woods, (very well said) and I have never, ever eaten a child in my life. I do what I can when a homeless kid shows up at my doorstep, let him or her stay a couple of nights if necessary, and send them on their way. You can’t blame me for children having overactive imaginations. (the last sentence is very good, it made me want to read more)"

Great job! I love this!

Hmmm.

Honestly, I'm not sure how I feel about it. My first instinct is to say that this is all telling and you need to show us, but it is a beginning, and many begin like this. Maybe that's my problem. It's not exactly original.

Now, I know I can be taken for a hypocrite, since I don't have amazing beginnings myself, but I do always try to grab the reader and drag them down with me into the world I've created. I don't feel like you're doing that here. Just... think on it. Try to come up with a beginnign so refreshing and weird and oddly striking that we can't help but love it, you know? Yes, it would be hard, but that's the fun of writing! It's alwats a challenge.

You've got a good idea here. I like the thought of knowing the witch's - or I guess she's not a witch! - side of the story. You've told us what to expect already, sort of, and I look forward to seeing what you do. But I would like to see a hook or a beginning that will do the upcoming plot justice.

Wow, three paragraphs just to get one point across. Sorry about the rant. Just wanted to help. What I REALLY meant to say was, I do like it, but I think you could have a better beginning. There. I did it. Why is that so hard?

Anyway, keep writing, and PM me if or when you continue this!

I definetly think you should keep writing this story! I would never have thought to write a story from this perspective. The only thing I didn't like was the fact that you already told the ending. I think it would have worked out better if you had made the witch stop herself, then start over from the beginning. I don't like to know the ending before the story even starts. I would have liked it better if you hinted at the fact that Hansel and Gretel are more than they seem.

All in all, I think it was very original and made me hungry for more! Please PM me when you write more of this!

A parody of a fairy tale! I love this idea. When something that have been told millions of time in the same way like the original Hansel and Gretel, it becomes boring. I really like the way the story being told in the point of view of the witch, or the "candy maker" in the story. It give us a whole new perspective about what really happened in the story. But you kind of gave away too much information in this prologue, it takes away my interest.
However, I still want to read more about this "candy maker" and her story!

Hey blue. It’s lily, here with my review for you!!!!

Nitpicks

I still have local villagers banging on my door everyday demanding that I be burned at the stake!

The missing article ‘the’ is bolded, so you know where to find it. Without that one little word, the sentence doesn’t quite make sense.

Overall
This is such a cute take on the story of Hansel and Gretel, or more importantly, this is a cute take on the witch’s story. But you did give away a lot in one particular sentence.

The nasty little beasts steal my life savings and run away with their outrageous story about me being a witch!

This is information that you want to save for the story. Instead, just use something like “Those little beasts destroyed everything.” Or “Those little monsters ruined my life.”

Looking Ahead
One thing you’ll want to make sure you do is to give the witch a real personality. She’ll need the same flaws and perfections as a regular person just as she’ll need a past and a backstory. Does she have a cat with a lazy eye, or is she missing a finger on one hand? She she always smell delightfully like carmel apples all of the time, or does her kitchen always sparkle, not matter how much candy she makes? Was she an only child, or the youngest of seven brothers? These details make the character real.

Anyway, when you add more, let me know. I’d love to read more of it. Fairy tale spoofs are always so much fun to read.

~lilymoore

Hey there, I'm Echo! I'll be reviewing today, mmkay?

I’m not an evil witch, if that’s what you think I am. I’m just a simple candy maker, nothing more, nothing less. I most definitely do not have a candy cottage in the woods, and I have never, ever eaten a child in my life. I do what I can when a homeless kid shows up at my doorstep, let him or her stay a couple of nights if necessary, and send them on their way. You can’t blame me for children having overactive imaginations.


I had an unsophisticated life before I met Hansel and Gretel. I made candy, sold it at the marketplace, and saved the money I earned. And then what happens? The nasty little beasts steal my life savings and run away with their outrageous story about me being a witch! I still have local villagers banging on my door everyday demanding that I be burned at the stake! But I’m getting ahead of myself. Perhaps the best place to start this sad story is at the beginning, and that is exactly what I intend to do...

Other than that, it was short.

It's a good start, I guess. Not super intriguing, in my taste, but still good. I'd still like to find out the rest of the story though. So keep up the work. And maybe make it a little longer next time?

- Echo

Yes!!! Alternate fairy tales are the best! I love it. It's got a "Wicked" feel to it. Definitely stick with it! Most people aim for the big ones like Beauty and the Beast or Snow White, but I think this would make an equally interesting story.

Hi
I really like your idea on this story! I think you should continue on it and make it longer. It was a little short, but that's okay I guess. It was intriguing and I want to know more
You should add a little more detail on the witch, since she's your Main Character. I couldn't find anything wrong with it that hadn't already been posted.
Keep writing!

~Tayla

I definitely think it's a great start to a story. If you're an avid reader and you start to write it's always a task to push everybody Else's idea away and come up with one all your own! Who would think to reveal Hansel and Gretel's enemy as the good guy and flip the story upside down!? Definitely keep writing! Lengthen it, add a plot and all the other story elements, and I truly think you have got a story there, waiting to be read. Thanks for sharing your idea with everyone:)

~Dakota