Lithium

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Chapter 1: Confusion



Having to pretend to be a normal teenager was a drag. The only thing I saw around me were immature kids who were forced to have an 'education' and 'teachers' who didn't have anything else better to do.


"Hey Esther!" said Neil. Ugh! My day couldn't get worse. Here was this nerdy, perverted, pathetic excuse for a boy who has been infatuated with me since sixth grade.



"Hey Niel," I said half-heartedly.



"Can I escort you to your next class, milady?"



Oh, why God? ''Actually, I have to go to the bathroom."



''Okay! I'll take you there.''



Ew! "No way" I wished I said, but instead I responded with a "No, thanks."



Finally, some peace and quiet. I followed the blinding white walls and navy blue lockers of the never-ending hallway until I got to the second floor bathroom. I didn't really need to go; I just had to escape.



Things at home are pretty rough right now. You see, my family isn't your average American - or probably I should say human family. We may look pretty traditional, but we're not. Really, we're a half-breed family. My mother is a witch and my father, a vampire, which makes me a 'powerful hybrid'. Thinking about this made me scoff. There was nothing special about me. My mom would say that I was a late bloomer, that I had to be patient.



It just wasn't fair! Nobody else at home were late bloomers. I had two brothers; they were the epitome of my parent's pride and joy. My older brother, Eros Griffin, can control minds and Zarek Jace, the baby of the household, is a telepath.



The astonishing thing is that it doesn't end here. Even though we're witches, not evil hags, we protect innocents and hunt down evil creatures. At least my parents and my brothers do. My mom isn't exactly a mind reader, but she gets the gist of what people are thinking and she just knows when someone is lying. That means that trying to pull one over on mom, wasn't something that was going to happen in the near future.



It was hard being the black sheep, but thankfully I wasn't alone. My best friend, Aaliyah, completely gets what I'm going through. Her family isn't what you would call normal either; they are shapeshifters. Except from transforming into their spirit animal, they could shapeshift into any object they wanted. Aaliyah's spirit animal was awesome; she shapeshifts into a white tigress. She also had to be careful not to transform when her emotions weren't in check. I guess you could say she was sort of dangerous.



We've been best friends practically forever. We would vent our problems at each other and know how to cheer the other up. Life without her support would be unbearable.



Brrrring... Great, I was late to history. "Everything is going my way today!" I said to myself sarcastically. I hurried down the linoleum floors, my Converse squeaking the whole way. I opened the heavy, gray door and the first thing I see is the unpleasant, bicker face of Mrs. Hellington.



"Your late," she said.



"Sorry, but..."



"You have detention, no excuses."



This couldn't be happening. I couldn't stand being in this building any longer. She was a demon, I swear. How I wish I had those powers right now. What I wouldn't give to send her to Russia or something.



_______________________________________________________________________________________________

Detention was being held today in the Latin classroom. Mr. Burg was snoring away on the black leather chair. His salt and pepper head thrown upon the huge mahogany desk. Their were few people here. Some goth chick with way too many piercings named Samantha. The bad boy of the school with bad hair and dirty fingernails named Joshua and his right hand Matt. At the front of the row was Jim, the class clown with very curly, orange hair.



When was this going to end? I desperately wanted to go home. It was oddly very dark and cloudy outside. The sky was an ominous purple and it looked like lightning was about to struck at any time. At that moment, lightning crackled as if it was laughing menacingly and made everyone jump. Even the teacher woke up. That was creepy. It was as if I knew that that was going to happen. As if I predicted it, but that was impossible.



Suddenly, I felt a rush of adrenaline and fear course through my body. That was weird, it was like someone was calling me for help. For some unorthodox reason, I felt I had to do something, anything. What should I do? Could I escape this prison? I had to think of a plan fast.



This couldn't be too hard; after the lightning passed Mr. Burg went right back asleep. These 'criminals' wouldn't rat me out, right? Ugh! Who cares? I had a feeling I had to trust my instinct.



I sauntered through the door as if I didn't have any worries. The school looked dangerous and abandoned. There wasn't anyone around and the lights were dim. I kept moving forward, passing a myriad of classrooms. Dieruff High School was immense - more than 2,500 students attended, but right now it looked like it were haunted.



Where was this taking me? My feet were moving without me commanding them. My body was shaking uncontrollably. Get it together, Saba. Out of nowhere, I heard a bloodcurdling scream that made me shake even more; I didn't think that was even possible. There at the corner of the hallway was a pool of blood. It was terrifying and disgustingly pleasant to smell.



My instinct told me to continue, so I did. That's when I saw the body. At least she was still breathing. She had red, curly hair and a semi-wide nose. Her structure was petite and she had a school uniform on from Sacred Heart High School. It appeared to be that she was only unconscious. Thank God!



Now I had to decide what to do next. Maybe, I should take her to dad - he heals people. On the contrary, carrying an unconscious body toward my car wasn't going to look very good. Should I risk it? Well, Esther, you're going to have to.



Fortunately, we were on the first floor. All I had to do was drag her to the parking lot. I went through the back doors, just to be a little less conspicuous. My black corolla wasn't far from here. I hoped she didn't get too scathed by the way I was dragging her across the asphalt. Dieruff was upon Elken Forest; the fir trees seemed to pursue us with the encouragement of the mild wind. The clouds were gray, almost black. I really hope that no one could see me; I probably looked like a psycopath. The sky still had that unusual purple edge to it. I've never seen it so intimidating; I hope it wasn't an omen.



At least I got this person to my vehicle apparently okay. This was all new to me. I've never had to do something like this, but I knew my mom would have the answers. Somehow, I got her in the passenger seat and we drove away from this hell. All this was making me anxious and I swear I felt like someone was watching me since I found the girl. Thunder roared angrily as if affirming my thoughts.



Just when we were getting closer, the red head startes groaning. Oh crap! " Do you hear me?" She groaned some more, so I took that as a yes.



"Can you talk?"



"Aleigha Adira Saba?" That was my mom's name. How did she know that? "Um, no..." I replied obviously nonplussed.



Her voice was raspy and she was having trouble breathing. "I need her help."



"Help for what?"



"Your coven protects innocents; am I correct?"



Oh! "Yeah, but you still haven't answered my question. Why do you need her help?"



Her eyes became hollow and I couldn't read her expression. Abruptly, I felt devastated and sad. I don't know why, but I knew the emotions I was feeling at the time weren't mine.



Her voice was barely a whisper. "My family was killed. I'm the only one left. I assume they tried to end me right now, but they didn't, thanks to you."



Thanks to me? What did I do? This was giving me a headache. Oh, good. We arrived to my house. We didn't have many neighbors and the house was situated on a hill. It had two floors and it was painted burgundy. Our backyard was actually part of the forest. It was sort of cool, but sometimes frightening.



I parked in the driveway and helped her out of the front seat. There, peeking out the window, was my curious and worried mother. I had her dark brown eyes and her wavy hair, but she had a cute heart shaped nose and a small mouth. She had an incredible body for a thirty-four year old. We hadn't even gone up all the steps when she came running out the white front door and started prodding us with questions.



"Esther Zehira Saba, what on earth happened? Who are you? Are you okay? Oh, it's really chilly outside. Let's get you two girls inside."



Our living room was always neat. There were two long, beige couches, two small tables holding sheer lamps, a flat screen tv surrounded by dvds, an intricate stereo and right in the middle of the room, our family portrait placed on one of the beige walls.



"Come have a seat," my mother said warmly to the girl she didn't even know.



"Thank you."



"So tell me, what happened?"



"Well, from what I was telling Esther, I need your help. You see, my family were murdered by dark lumenis."



"What is a dark lumeni?" My mom looked at me disapprovingly, but I was curious.



"If you must know, dark lumenis are vampires who use their mind reading powers to find and attack their prey. They divide into two categories, the suquebis and the sequibis. The suquebis only go after their opposite sex and they lure their prey in by seducing them. The sequibis doesn't make any distinctions and are far more violent. You wouldn't want to have a guilty conscious and happen to be found by a dark lumeni."



"So, if they only go after bad people, then why did they kill your family?"



She scoffed facetiously, "Dark lumenis don't only go after evil society. When they want something, it doesn't matter who the victim is. That's why I don't understand what they could possibly desire. My family was a coven of lower-class witches. There wasn't any powers that we possessed that they would covet."



My mom had a pensive look on her face. "If you say that your family was lower-class, than that is very strange. Dark lumenis usually go for upper-class witches because they want their power and abhor that it doesn't belong to them. They are incredibly envious of us, but since you said that there wasn't anything you had that they would want, then it doesn't make any sense.



My mother sighed, "I guess it would be safe if you stayed with us for a while. You can stay in Esther's room with her. I'm going to whip something up for you girls. You must be very hungry.''




"Okay," I said.



"Esther, can I speak with you for a moment," my mother's voice had grown very serious.



"Um... sure mom." I turned to our guest and gave her the directions to my room.
"All you have to do is walk up the stairs and my room is the last one on the left."



"That's perfectly fine, I'm sure I'll find the way.''



"I'll be there soon." What could my mother possibly have to tell me?
Last edited by PINKstripedSOCKS on Tue Aug 04, 2009 3:07 pm, edited 4 times in total.




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Hello! Wookielover here! :D I have to tell you that the chapter was awsome!!!!! :!: It is very interesting. I did notice a couple of missing commas and typos but nothing to bad. Esther is a wierd name. But cool at the same time. Dificult to explain... :? Well anyway, I'm super exited for the next chapter!!! :D Write more soon!!!! Bye!!!!! :P


Awsome!
wookielover 8)


May the force be with you... :)




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Bad news first:
I love the conversational tone of this piece, but there were a lot of things that struck me as odd. Like how Saba is worried about being caught with an unconscious girl when the school's mostly empty, and how she's self-conscious about being "different", yet she has no special powers. Also, when she's carrying the girl to her car, shouldn't she drape her over her shoulder instead of dragging her along the ground? It would be a lot easier that way. Also, I saw a few spelling/grammar/connotation mistakes, so you may want to comb through it again for those (I was going to point them out but then my brower clicked back and I lost the longer review I wrote before this one >.<).

Also, be aware of how your sentences are positioned next to eachother:
Esther Zehira Saba, what on earth happened? Who are you?

It sounds like the mother is asking who her daughter is...

And good news:
Besides all that, though, it was very entertaining. The fantasy material works seamlessly with the writing style, and I liked all of your color imagery, especially the reoccuring red with the burgundy walls and orange hair. The clouds were pretty cool too, and so was the description of the lightning. At first I wasn't really sympathizing with your character because she seemed like she was being superior, saying that the teachers and students were kind of passionless, and Neil, this guy who's been devoted to her for a long time, is worthless and nerdy, but after a while you get more comfortable in her head and she seems pretty relatable. I would like to see the best friend make an appearance; she hasn't really showed up yet. The two races of dark vampires are kind of interesting, I'd like to learn more about the differences between them and how they figure into the plot.

Anyway, throw me a pm when you're finished with the next part. I'd love to read more of this!

<3,
Trikkycat
"God is dead." -Nietzsche
"Nietzsche is dead." -God




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Hey!

As you know, I loved it. I just got confused at the part where Esther asks her mom what the dark lumenis are.

"What is a dark lumeni?" My mom looked at me disapprovingly, but I was curious.


For a second, I thought that her mom was the one who had asked. It's a little confusing since you have to re-read it to understand a little bit better.

But everything else was perfect. :D
Last edited by MySocksAreYellow on Tue Jul 07, 2009 3:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.
And though I try to reach you,
And time is closing in on me
Most of us carry on as if nothing ever matters,
But I ask you my love
Will you hold on to me forever?

Robi Draco Rosa - Mad Love




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Hi! Cynara here ready to put your head on a chopper :twisted: . Just kidding :lol: .
I really liked this a lot. Like for real.

My deary of a friend YellowSocks got to the point were I wanted to go... So I geuss the only thing I have to say is: fix it. People here are ruthless and very strick. :arrow: Well I guess thats it deary! :lol:

PM me when you post your next chapter.

Oh and next time I'm going to be harsh, just because your my friend.
...Kidding :P
To Live A Creative Life We Must Lose Our Fear Of Being Wrong.




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I love this!!! It's really good! The flow of your writing is pretty much unbroken, though at the end you rushed it a teeny tiny bit. Also, the last sentence of your story should have a question mark, not a period, seeing as it's a question.
That's just about all that I could see in this story as far as mistakes go.

I repeat, this is really really good!! I hope to hear more from you!
Am fear nach gleidh na h-airm san t-sith, cha bhi iad aige 'n am a' chogaidh.

* He that keeps not his arms in time of peace will have none in time of war.


(This pretty much means "If you want peace, be prepared for war")




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I read the preface and I liked it. Now this chapter...
I don't know how to describe it.
I just noticed things like you have friendly vampires, who heal people, that read minds, and evil vampires who go around killing people. A school girl who is somewhat liked in her school.
If Esters dad starts glittering and is revealed as a vegetarian who drinks animal blood, all truth be told I wouldn't be surprised.

Now pulling away from my über critics to the actual story...

Again with the tense jumping. You jump from imperfect to present and from present to perfect. You either keep the story in the past tense or present tense. I won't point out the parts where you got this wrong, it would take way too long. I would advice you to read the piece aloud, you learn many things that way, and you would be able to notice your tense errors.

ATENTION! Info Dump!

You dumped loads of info into this one teeny tiny chapter, and forced it down our throats. Advice: take half of all the info in this chapter and spread it out into other chapters instead of dumping it all into this one. Information about characters can be given when we "meet" them in the book.

then into context:

Some goth chick with way too many piercings named Samantha. The bad boy of the school with bad hair and dirty fingernails named Joshua and his right hand Matt. At the front of the row was Jim, the class clown with very curly, orange hair.


If the MC knows the goth chick, the goth chick isn't "some" goth chick. And what do Joshua's dirty fingernails have to do with anything Is it really necessary to write the fact that he has dirty fingernails?


How does the "lower class" witch know that Ester is a part of a coven?
What does the shape of her nose got to do with anything.

And then there is another info dump about the types of vampires.


I'm sorry if I have been a bit strict about this whole thing, but your story has a lot of potential and the fact that you info dump and that can do wonders to a story... in a bad way.
To copy reality is good... But to create reality is much, much better.
-Giuseppe Verdi-



The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him.
— Stanislaw Jerszy Lec