Lithium-preface

All of this was my fault. How could I have let this happen! I shouldn't have been so careless. Amy was dead; I couldn't do anything about it.

Why did I have to be a damn shield? It was me they wanted - not her. It was my job to protect her and I failed. I couldn't be more pathetic. That's what I got for being so foolishly arrogant.

I never asked for this. I have always wondered, why me? I wasn't prepared for this. I was only sixteen for God's sake!

I mean don't get me wrong, I loved having powers. Although, all this responsibility was kind of disconcerting. Having to protect innocents wasn't something I was accustomed to do on a daily basis.

When I finally finished my internal battle, I took in my surroundings. Where was I? I only remembered leaving the house and 'walking' aimlessly. It was immensely cold and dark out. It had to be at least two in the morning.

Wait a minute, was I going toward a dead end? The air was moist and there was shattered glass everywhere. I was caged in by old brick buildings and there were spider webs in the corners. I also happen to notice it was really quiet... Too quiet.

That's when a feel an icy cold breath at the back of my neck, sending a shiver down my spine. Too frightened to look, I turned around with my eyes closed.

"Esther Zehira," said an incredibly suave voice.

I opened my eyes and there in front of me was the most beautiful creature I have ever seen.

First, I am proud to say I'm your first review and you bff. Second this is so so so so cool! I loved it and it's just the preface I can't wait for you to write more. Please write more soon.

Okay now to sound like a reviewer.I did not see any mistakes. Even though it was short it was very interesting and I can't wait to see where you go with this.

Your best friend in the whole wide world
Blue-Socks

Hiya there!

This is a nice beginning to a story. The "children with special powers" thing is used fairly often, but definitely not done to death. I can see many, many creative routes you could take this down.

I also happen to notice it was really quiet... Too quiet.

This line is waaaaay too cliche and funny-sounding. I don't think humor is what you're going for here.

Overall this was really good, though. I noticed a instances of missing punctuation, but I don't feel like being nitpicky right now, and there were very few, so I'm letting it slide.

PM me when the next installment is out, 'kay?

-Hawkie-

Hiya,
Review time
Okey dokey, here we go:(I apologize in advance if my bolds are broken )

All of this was my fault. (I like this it makes me curious.) How could I have let this happen[s]![/s] ?[b/] I shouldn't have been so careless. Amy was dead; I couldn't do anything about it. [b](For some reason, this to me sounds apathetic. Maybe you could try rewording it)

I mean don't get me wrong, I loved having powers. Although, all this responsibility was kind of disconcerting. Having to protect innocents wasn't something I was accustomed to doing on a daily basis.

When I finally finished my internal battle, I took in my surroundings. (Personally, i wouldn't include this part, maybe you could add in brief descriptions of you surroundings during your Internal battle).Where was I? I only remembered leaving the house and 'walking' aimlessly. It was immensely cold and dark out. (I really like this. It's short but I now have an image in my head; dark, quiet streets, boarded up windows? That's just what I'm seeing though, you can point your reader in the right direction by including more description)

The air was moist and there was shattered glass everywhere. I was caged in by old brick buildings and there were spider webs in the corners. I also happen to notice it was really quiet... Too quiet. (All of this is adding to the image I have of the run down street. The descriptions are short, but sweet. I really like this one.)

I opened my eyes and there in front of me was the most beautiful creature I have ever seen.
I would change this a bit to make it flow a little more smoothly. Maybe you you try: I opened my eyes to find the most beautiful creature I had ever seen standing in front of me" or something along those lines.

All in all I like this. There’s a lot of suspense in it and I’m really looking forward to reading the next part.
PM me when the next part is posted
xxxx

I LOVE it!! It's very, very cool. It's interesting too. I can't wait to read the next part.
I would love to know the physical description of the man.
I didn't notice any mistakes.

Keep it up!
wookielover17



May the force be with you...

[quote] All of this was my fault. [/quote] Catchy intro. I like it.
I just love the way you jump right to the action instead of throwing in a bunch of details I don't really care about. You caught my attention right from the start and piqued my curiosity: what exactly is a shield? who is Amy and why were you protecting her? why did anyone want you dead? what powers do you have?
I could list many more questions that went flying through my mind as I read the few paragraphs you've written. Still, for the sake of brevity I'll stop listing them and get on to the rest of my review.
I know this sounds like something your english teacher would say, but I think it would help you to vary your sentence structure. Almost all your sentences start with "I" and then a phrase describing how you felt. It gets kind of repetetive after a while.
Other than that, though, the story's pretty good. It certainly gort my attention, and I'll be sure to read your next submission to see what happens next!

I like it, the beginning really grabs you, but...on to reviewing.
The beginning flows well but once you get to "When I finally finished...", you know, out of his mind and into the world, it starts to get choppy. You should probably try mixing the description of the world throughout or keeping the two parts completely separate and just expand them both.

First I want to notify you that you are changing your tenses in this piece, and that annoys me and somehow confuses me a bit.
For example:

It was my job to protect her and I failed.

Since you have written the piece in imperfect you should write this part in the perfect tense.

"It had been my job to protect her and I had failed."

I have always wondered, why me?

"I had always wondered, why me?"

Those were just two examples.

Then there were some context related issues:

When I [had] finally finished my internal battle, I took in my surroundings.[This sentence is quite unnecessary. It feels out of context.] Where was I? I only remembered leaving the house and 'walking' aimlessly. It was immensely cold and dark out. It had to be at least two in the morning.

I also happen to notice it was really quiet... Too quiet.

now that is cliche. Why not just "It was unnaturally quiet" ?

all in all it was a good preface.

keep writing.
cheers ~Anzius.

Man, your main character is whiny!

Yes that was my first thought when reading this. My second was I wonder where this is heading because I expect whiny characters to have something really misfortune happen to them because they shouldn't be so whiny. ;-]

Also, it might just be my lack of sleep, but the first bit and the last bit don't really fit. The first bit makes me think there is going to be a flash back. But the second bit sounds like that the first bit were the thoughts she was thinking of as she was walking aimlessly (which by the way, awesome points for having her stubble onto her adventure and not having it forced onto her... at least not completely). Which makes me wonder what happened to her before this walking around aimlessly and bumping into "the most beautiful creature she has ever seen".

What I liked about this was how it caught my attention by making me ask tons of questions. I now want to know the answer to those questions your story brought up, so I am going to be following your story. Also the whole powers thing is making me wonder if this is going to be a super hero or a witch-y tale. =]

Keep writing,
Stevie