Perlec

i know this isn't much of a prologue by older peoples standard but cut the "12 year old" some slack, (I'm not much of a writer)



PERLEC

The streets were dark as the figure moved silently towards the last house. The lights were on, spilling a small pool of golden light on the grass.

The figure wore a ankle length jacket (with the collar turned upwards to hide his face), black shoes, and a hat pulled over the top half of his head.

He approached the door silently, flicked his wrist towards it and it clicked open. He stepped inside and moved down the hall to the living room where the light was coming from. A man sat at his desk tapping wildly at a sleek white laptop. The figure slid a silver dagger from his jacket pocket and stepped into the room. The house owners eyes slowly raised in horror.

"You don't have to do this Sebastian" the man whimpered. The figure jerked his covered face up in surprise, how did his twin realize it was him.

"Yes, brother I know they sent you for my project" Eric said.

"You must not be allowed to reveal us Eric" his twin replied icily.

Sebastian remembered the previous day when his boss, the Director, had briefed him on his twins plan.
"He wants to reveal our world to the mortals, to show them that we have powers beyond their belief, we would be known as the freaks when we came here" the Director spat.

He forced himself back to the present, where his brother had dived from his chair to the table across the room reaching for his gun that sat their.
Sebastian sighed as he raised the dagger and threw it with a precise hand. Blood splattered the walls and carpet as Eric fell, dead.

The figure wore a ankle length jacket (with the collar turned upwards to hide his face), black shoes, and a hat pulled over the top half of his head.

parentheses distract from your description, try to incorperate the information in such a way that it will flow without causing the reader to pause while they are trying to visualize what your describing.

The figure slid a silver dagger from his jacket pocket and stepped into the room.

Referring to your character as "the figure"just seems odd. There is no problem with calling him that once, but persiting in it after you have described his appearance seems strange. Mybe you could try changing the second descriptive tag to something like 'the intruder'.

"You don't have to do this Sebastian" the man whimpered. The figure jerked his covered face up in surprise, how did his twin realize it was him.

It might be more effective if the twin brother reveals himself first. for instance:

The home owner paused as he saw an intruder step from the shadows, the light revealing his features to be identical to his own.
"You don't have to do this Sebastian" the man whimpered.




there are also some basic grammatical errors. Things like using the wrong words, fore instence at one point you use the possessive their as opposed to the directional there. Just normal things that everyone does. You'll probably catch them when you read over it with an analytical eye. Just remember that even though spell check is our friend, it wont always stop you from putting a correctly spelled word in the wrong context.

I agree with Ermixon on all the points he/she brought up.

There are a lot of sentences that appear sort of flat. By using more descriptive and strong words you can beef up those sentences in order to catch a reader and keep them interested. In example, Instead of:

Sebastian sighed as he raised the dagger and threw it with a precise hand. Blood splattered the walls and carpet as Eric fell, dead.

you could put something like: "Sebastian exhaled slightly as he lifted the dagger and hurled it at his brother. His aim was precise, the dagger hit it's mark. Blood splattered the walls and coated the carpet. Eric crumpled on the floor, a wounded and surprised expression on his dying face."

Or something similar to that For not being much of a writer, this really isn't bad It's pretty good


~time8keeper

I as well agree with both of the replies before this one, but something else i noticed is a small part that could be slightly confusing unless you stopped to think about it.

Sebastian remembered the previous day when his boss, the Director, had briefed him on his twins plan.
"He wants to reveal our world to the mortals, to show them that we have powers beyond their belief, we would be known as the freaks when we came here" the Director spat.

Just the word remembered didn't give me the exact idea he was going into a flashback. May something like,

Sebastian lost focus in the scene before him as he remembered back to the previous day. His boss, the Director, had briefed him on his twins plan.
"Your brother wants to reveal our world to the mortals, Sebastian! We can't let know of us and our powers! We would be known as freaks to all of human kind," the Director had spat.

thanks for all your great help i will post it with changes later on