Perlec

Hi everybody. this is only a tiny draft, i want to know if it should continue

PERLEC

The streets were dark as the figure moved silently towards the last house. The lights were on spilling a small pool of golden light on the grass. The figure wore a ankle length jacket with the collar turned upwards to hide his face, black shoes, and a hat pulled over the rest of his head.

He approached the door silently, he flicked his wrist towards it and it clicked open. He stepped inside, he moved down the hall to the living room where the light was coming from. A man sat at his desk tapping wildly at a sleek white laptop. The figure slid a silver dagger from his jacket pocket and stepped into the room. The house owners eyes slowly raised in horror.

"You don't have to do this Sebastian" the man whimpered. The figure jerked his covered face up in surprise, how did his twin realize it was him. He sighed as he raised the dagger and threw it with a precise hand. The man died instantly, blood spurting from his wound in the chest.

Despite its shortness, this is quite a good beggining, and yes, it's worth continuing. There are a few things that could be improved. Take this for example.

He approached the door silently, he flicked his wrist towards it and it clicked open. He stepped inside, he moved down the hall to the living room where the light was coming from.

Using the same word this many times close together disrupts the flow. You could get rid of some simply by using conjunctions, eg. He stepped inside and moved down the hall...

You also did the same thing in the first paragraph where you used the word "light" twice in the same sentence. You could rephrase it to something like: The window spilt a small pool of light onto the grass.

I'd like to see more interaction between the two characters. Show more fear in the guy who's about to get killed. Perhaps some regret in the killer.

Also, I think you should expand it more. Build up the suspense for a while, because at the moment it's only a minute between the beggining and the murder.

When you continue this, you'll also need to go into character emotions and thoughts, athough at this stage - which I assume is a prologue - that isn't quite so important.

I have to commend you - It's amazing that a 12 year old can write with this quality - especially the physical descriptions. You've got what it takes to go far.

Best wishes,

Jeff.

Hi~ Katie here, and I'm going to give you a quick review~




First off...

The streets were dark as the figure moved silently towards the last house. The lights were on, spilling a small pool of golden light on the grass. The figure wore an ankle length jacket (with the collar turned upwards to hide his face), black shoes, and a hat pulled over the rest of his head [This is quite offset. Remove it, or revise it with something more elaborate, lest you want readers to be confused over this phrase. ]

Okay, on with it.

~The opening is quite predictable. I want something that would immediately catch me with the hook: a captivating opening.
~Always remember proper punctuation and grammar. The emphasized words indicates the corrections. Compare it with the original to spot the mistakes.

He approached the door silently, he flicked his wrist towards it [Magic? He flicks his wrists and then the door clicks open. Elaborate on this matter.] and it clicked open. He stepped inside, he moved down the hall to the living room where the light was coming from. [This is quite irrelevant.] A man sat behind his desk, tapping wildly at the keyboards of a sleek white laptop. The figure slid a silver dagger out from his jacket [Omit this word] pocket and stepped into the room. The house owner's eyes slowly raised in horror.

~The repetition of silently is unsightly. Be careful with reusing words too much. It doesn't look right.
~Like it is indicated above, mistakes are corrected inside the quote.

"You don't have to do this, Sebastian," the man whimpered. The figure jerked his covered face up in surprise. How did his twin realize it was him? He sighed as he raised the dagger and threw it towards his target with a precise hand. The man died instantly, blood spurting out from his wound in the chest.

There. I'd do a longer review, but I have no time anymore. ^^;



See you around...



+ Katie