Island of Warlocks

I know where this is going, you just have to wait untill i put the new finished version up on the web. The fantasy will happen in chapter 3
thanks




Prologue

She found herself running through a dark forest, it seemed strangely familiar yet she couldn’t remember ever coming here before. A deep hollow laugh sounded all around her, “You can’t run from me little girl” it mocked. A tree root tripped her and she fell to the ground. She jumped up and tried to continue running put she found her feet wouldn’t move. A dark cloaked figure appeared from nowhere and approached her. “Now you are mine” The figure said. It raised a gloved hand and gesture with a finger. Purple light surrounded her and she fell to the ground. The figure laughed harshly.






Chapter One

Isabelle woke with a start; she had the same dream as the previous three weeks. She got up feeling groggy; her drawing pad was sitting on the desk where she had left it last night. “Isabelle, up now” her mother, Alice, shouted. She rolled her eyes, her mother knew to well she got up at six every morning, Mondays were no exception. She headed for the bathroom across the hall relishing the thought of a long shower.

The hot water woke up her body as she rubbed her favourite chocolate shampoo in her long black hair. She stepped out of the shower and wrapped herself in a fluffy white towel. She quickly crossed the hall and stepped into her cosy bedroom, the walls were a light cream colour with black patterns on the window frame. She smiled as her eye caught the three crystals sitting on the windowsill, amethyst, ruby, and emerald. She walked over to her wardrobe and selected a sleeveless light green shirt that hugged her neck and white skirt. She regarded her self in the mirror on the wardrobe door. “Check” she murmured under her breath. She slipped on her gold high heels and walked down stairs for breakfast.

“Are you nervous?” Alice asked over her coffee. Isabelle regarded her mother with a look of disbelieve, she was starting her first day at a new high school in the middle of the semester, she knew nobody and her mother asks if she’s nervous. “Just asking, I was curious how you would react to all those boys…” She stopped mid sentence when she saw her daughter’s ‘don’t even go there look’. “Mom, you know to well I don’t want to start dating yet” Isabelle said, ending the conversation.

Hey there wizkid

You have a very intriguing start to your story here. I found it to be descriptive, but not overdone, and it read pretty well overall. The prologue is especially well done. Let's see what we can do here.

wizkid515 wrote:She found herself running through a dark forest, it seemed strangely familiar yet she couldn’t remember ever coming here before.

This is a pretty solid hook. You might, however, want to drop a period between "forest" and "it". Also perhaps it would read a little smoother, "She couldn't remember ever having come here before."

A deep hollow laugh sounded all around her, “You can’t run from me little girl” it mocked.

Once again, comma disease. I'd put a period after "her".

She jumped up and tried to continue running put she found her feet wouldn’t move.

Put should be but. You could also add some description here.

A dark cloaked figure appeared from nowhere and approached her.

This sounds a little cliched.

“Now you are mine” The figure said.

Begin all dialogue on a new line. Also, you want to make your dialogue realistically scary, not fake scary.

It raised a gloved hand and gesture with a finger.

And made a gesture with a finger?

Isabelle woke with a start; she had the same dream as the previous three weeks.

This is your official start to your story. Try making it a little less cliched. Also, the part after the semi-colon is grammatically incorrect. It should be: "she had had the same dream for the last three weeks", or something similar.

She rolled her eyes, her mother knew to well she got up at six every morning, Mondays were no exception.

Comma disease alert!

The hot water woke up her body as she rubbed her favourite chocolate shampoo in her long black hair.

Woke up sounds clumsy, try wakened. Also, you rub something into. Not in.

She quickly crossed the hall and stepped into her cosy bedroom, the walls were a light cream colour with black patterns on the window frame.

Is there any reason that you're telling us that she crossed the hall [i]quickly? If not, ditch it. Tell us only what we need to know, or want to know. We do like a little description of what she can see together with what she does. It makes the whole thing a little more personal.

She smiled as her eye caught the three crystals sitting on the windowsill, amethyst, ruby, and emerald.

Those are either gems in which case they are amethyst, ruby and emerald, or they're crystals. One or the other.

She walked over to her wardrobe and selected a sleeveless light green shirt that hugged her neck and white skirt.

Now I'm not one for clothes descriptions, but if you want to put them in, do so by all means. If however, you do do this, then you want to ensure that you've done it elegantly and smoothly. Did the shirt hug her white skirt? Because this is what you've implied.

She regarded her self in the mirror on the wardrobe door. “Check” she murmured under her breath.

Herself is one word. I don't think telling us she murmured it is necessary in this case. In fact it only bothers me while reading it. Using the word "said" does not do any harm. Also, you only really need to tell us of dialogue that will help us understand an element of your story.

“Are you nervous?” Alice asked over her coffee. Isabelle regarded her mother with a look of disbelieve

In a look of "disbelief". Also, when referring to her mother, call her whatever Isabelle, or the character from whose perspective you are writing would refer to her.

and her mother asks if she’s nervous.

And her mother was asking whether she was nervous?

She stopped mid sentence when she saw her daughter’s ‘don’t even go there look’. “Mom, you know to well I don’t want to start dating yet” Isabelle said, ending the conversation.

Try slipping dashes between "don't-even-go-there". This turns it into an adjective way more smoothly. "To well" should be "too well". There was one of these above that I think I forgot to point out as well.

The basic things that you need to work on are dialogue, character sketching, and believability. You've painted us a certain utopia without negative emotions. Your main character seems to be drawn on a flat sheet of paper with no shading, and I think that you need to start shading.

You have a great story, but it does need quite a bit of polish. I have every confidence in your ability to do this spectacularly. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

it's awesome! I loved it! it's just... take the story to a place twilight hadn't okay? twilight is twilight. it is what it is. But this could be something new, so just don't repeat the pattern, in my opinion that is. Insane love, minor problems that seem important, it's all worn out. Maybe you can create something different. Regardless, I loved it! You really do write well! Your writting style, i wanted to comment on that too, it's nice. Don't change a thing! maybe a little more about the mothers face though, I was sort of wondering about that... harsh, soft, concerened. It could tell so much about their realationship, because over the few conversation they had I sort of had the feeling that Issabela had a mind of her own, not a reall mama's girl, if you know what I mean. ^^

Okay, so your story was good, I liked it but you need to make it a bit more entertaining(no offense).
And sometimes your grammar is a bit incorrect.
I really don't have anything else to say.
I know. I'm a terrible critiquer(I don't know how to spell that word).
When and if you get more into the story just remember to be creative.
One more thing, why did she smile when she say three crystals on the windowsill?
Why were there three crystals on the windowsill?
Good luck with your writing!

Heya Wizkid!

First thing first, I truly loved it. For someone who is 12 (I'm assuming, since it says so in your profile), you wrote a really good, soft and very much flowing beginning for a story.

I truly cant add or say anything regarding grammar or spelling, as I believe those above me delved into that.

The only thing, I could think that could make the story even better (which I feel the need to stress out, isn't in that much need to re-polish) are better emotes and descriptions, or rather add some.

The story was very flowing at first read, I understand and saw what you were trying to tell, but a few more enriching visionary descriptions, especially during the prologue, would have added a much better job.

I felt that once she was running through the forest and the cloak figure was "hexing" her up, you could have add more information and description as to what he was doing, no need to name your magic, but how it effected, how did it flow, what exact purple colour. Perhaps add more to make the cloaked figure look more intimidating and fierce, and less stereotypical hooded bad guy, although they all start like that

In final words, I will say, I enjoyed it, and I believe you are a very talented writer, for your age

Well, It's pretty hard to review. The most subjects have been touched upon. Also, on originality, you should try and placce your own twist to it. It seems just like any other love/fantasy. I also think that you should add more characters, and embellish on exsiting characters. You have that right as author. It would read much more smoothly. Also, use the "Return" button when using dialog.