Music

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Uh... This is my first... I don't know what'd you call it...But I hope you like it and give me any feed back, good or bad, I don't care. It always helps my writing. Thanks.


Her fingers flitted across the keys, the melody quick and simple, but still touched one’s heart. As the last note died, giving way to silence, she stood and did a curtsy. The applause she received was thunderous, as it always was after she finished playing. She swept into another curtsy then left the stage.
She was nineteen. She had been playing since she was five, after she got her hands on a self-teach piano book her mother had for some years. Her mother had signed her up afterwards. At the age of eight she was considered a prodigy, at ten a musical genius. She had played in music halls around the world as a teenager: Carnegie hall in New York, the Walt Disney Hall in Los Angeles, the Sydney Opera House in Australia. After a while, they all started to look the same to her.
This hall, though, she took time to notice. The curtains were of a deep red, edged in black tassels, the floor a deep mahogany, reflecting the fluorescent lights above her head, the grooves from the piano bench etched in the floor. The piano its self was a grand piano, the wood smooth and painted black, a dull shine to it, giving it more character than taking it away. The keys were worn smooth from years of use and the multitude of players before her. She looked around and breathed in the smell of old sheet music.
The hall was owned by her family. Her grandfather had bought it in the depression, a buy thought stupid at the time but worth the money in the end. Her father had played there before her, or at least she was told. She didn’t really know her father. He had died before she was born. Her father, it was said, was a brilliant musician, and it was only expected that she be the same. But over the years and through the multitude of concerts and lessons, she convinced herself that she wasn’t doing this because her father but because she wanted to. That she loved playing the piano. And she did.
She sighed, mentally shaking herself. She needed to get over this weird thing with her father and her music. Her piano playing was for her and only her. Fatigue finally overtaking her limbs, she left the stage. She slipped her heels off and carried them in her hand as she descended the steps, making her way to her dressing room at the back of the concert hall. When she pushed open the door, her ire grew as she saw dozens of flower bouquets spread out across the room. The one on the dressing table caught her eye and, going over to it, she snatched up the card.
Sorry I couldn’t be there, Sariyah. Hope you did great. Love, Lisa.
She threw the card down, anger overtaking her earlier fatigue. Lisa was her mother. She had missed tonight’s concert like she had all the others since Sariyah was thirteen. In the five years Sariyah had been living in New York, Lisa had stopped by once. And that wasn’t a meeting Sariyah wanted to remember. She gathered her things and left the room, not caring that in an hour all the flowers would be thrown out.
Last edited by Cant Stop The Beat on Fri Jan 23, 2009 9:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Hi, Cant Stop The Beat! Nice to meet you.
Welcome to YWS! :D

On to the review:

She was nineteen. She had been playing since she was five, after she got her hands on a self-teach piano book her mother had for some years. Her mother had signed her up afterwards. At the age of eight she was considered a prodigy, at ten a musical genius. She had played in music halls around the world as a teenager: Carnegie hall in New York, the Walt Disney Hall in Los Angeles, the Sydney Opera House in Australia. After a while, they all started to look the same to her.

This may seem vital at first, but there are more subtle ways to introduce these ideas. In other words, at this point you are 'telling' rather than 'showing'. If you compare this paragraph to the third, you can see that the third is more descriptive and shows the readers what's going on. In the paragraph above, it does seem rather like an info-dump.
How about having Sariyah compare this hall with the other, grander ones she's performed at across the globe? Something along those lines.


She sighed, mentally shaking herself. She needed to get over this weird thing with her father and her piano playing. She did this only for her, and no one else. She left the stage, fatigue finally overtaking her limbs. She slipped her heels off and carried them in her hand as she descended the steps. She made her way to the dressing room at the back of the concert hall and pushed open the door to reveal bouquets of flowers spread out across the room. She went to the one on the dressing table and read the card.

My one nit-pick is that every sentence in this paragraph begins with 'She'. Mix it up a bit. Give it some more variety.

And that was it. Other than that, I thought this was amazing! You, my friend, are a very talented writer. I especially loved your description of the piano; it felt so real and I could picture it perfectly in my mind. The brief history on the theater was perfect, too! You managed to tell us about Sariyah's father without making it seem like an information-overload.

So, that was my review. I adore music, so this drew me in automatically. I love works with simple, yet powerful titles. Even though this idea has been used countless times before, I think you've got the potential to make it fresh!
Let me know when you post more of this. I would love to continue reading.
*Gold stars*


*anti-pop
...Bitter cold, it grows
changing holds
cynicism the new norm...

-Libretto




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Okay, so here is my review.

The piece is pretty good. I liked the way you told about her emotions. One thing that annoys me is that so many sentences begin in "she". Nothing really that bad about, just one of my pet-peeves. I also didn't like how there was almost no story involved. Nothing really happened. This seems more like a prologue. There is potential for a good story in this, it just needs to be expanded upon. Right now, the story seems very cliche' about the whole mother situation but it wouldn't have to be that way later. The story is very vague about her family. I also find this to be too list-like or "tell but not show" as Anti-Pop pointed out. Sorry if this review seems harsh. You have a lot of potential. I think you just need to come up with a really good idea.
Current Project: Otherworld (Novel) - 11,000 words so far
Latest Story: Overflowing Emotions.
Past stories: Burning Apart, The Beast, Binding Darkness - Ch. 1, What David Taught Me, The Banquette, Mirror of Memories, Leaving Humanity, Little Green Men, Six Days




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Hey guys. Thank you so much for your reviews. I'm glad you liked it. I acted upon your suggestions and edited the things you pointed out. So, read the "new one", if you want, and if there's anymore mistakes, feel free to point them out. thanks :D :D




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Hiya Can't Stop The Beat! Are you a Hairspray fan by any chance?

Now, for a rather slim review, I believe:


Her mother had signed her up afterwards.


Signed her up for what? Classes, I'm assuming. Put "for classes" after "up" to fix this little bit of confusion.

This hall, though, she took time to notice. The curtains were of a deep red, edged in black tassels, the floor a deep mahogany, reflecting the fluorescent lights above her head, the grooves from the piano bench etched in the floor. The piano its self was a grand piano, the wood smooth and painted black, a dull shine to it, giving it more character than taking it away. The keys were worn smooth from years of use and the multitude of players before her. She looked around and breathed in the smell of old sheet music.


This description makes me think she's still on stage. Especially the piano-bench reference. You could stand to move this up so we're not confused when she takes off her heels.

Oh, wait a second, you've repeated yourself. Both above and below this you have "she left the stage." I'd nix the one above this (found at the end of paragraph 1).


When she pushed open the door, her ire grew as she saw dozens of flower bouquets spread out across the room.


What is "ire"?

The mention of she vs. proper name: Near the end, you suddenly use her proper name while at the beginning you'd used "she" exclusivly. I'd start to slowly work proper names in so it's not such a confusion right at the very end.

Fantasy? Alright, I'm really wondering what makes this fantasy. If it's musical magic, great. Really, I'm not asking you to put some hint of magic in here (If it is a fantasy though, a little hint wouldn't hurt), just, I'm wondering.

Description- Wonderfully done! You can totally see the hall and hear the applause.

Overall- I think you should definiely continue this! It's got a lot of promise and if it is fantasy it looks rather original.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.



Nothing says criminal activity like strong bones. ;)
— Magebird