Darkness and Light

This no novel but its a start. teel me what you think

Lightning streaked across the stormy sky.

Airia sighed and turned restlessly among her sheets. She mulled over the thought of her first boy friend dumping her that day. She had found out that he had got together with the school slut, Natalie.

Bang! She sat up suddenly at the noise. She slowly slid her feet out of the bed, her pale skin illuminated in the lightning. She shivered as the cold crept into her feet. The bang came again from downstairs.

She walked into the dark corridor outside and walked quickly down the stairs. She found herself in the lounge.

She screamed as something knocked her down, pushing the breath out of her.

Black spots spots swam before her eyes, a kick to the head completely sent her into darkness.

Not bad... for a start.

There are a few things that need to change:

She slowly slid her feet out of the bed, her pale skin illuminated in the lightning.

Would be better as another flash of lighting

She walked into the dark corridor outside and walked quickly down the stairs.

I feel like the worlds biggest hiprit but there we are

She let a void of darkness swollow her up.

This bit is not so good try another form of letting us know she fainted.

But...

Keep writing

She mulled over the thought of her first boy friend dumping her that day.

"boyfriend" is one word.

She had found out that he had got together with the school slut , Natalie.

This is really short, so this won't be that good of a review. It's good for a start, but needs a little more here and there.

Write more!

googly

This review will be kind of short because...

Well the story so far is kind of short.

Here goes:

Lightning streaked across the stormy sky.

Airia sighed and turned restlessly among her sheets. She mulled over the thought of her first boy friend dumping her that day. She had found out that he had got together with the school slut , Natalie.

Bang! She sat up suddenly at the noise. She slowly slid her feet out of the bed, her pale skin illuminated in the lightning. She shivered as the cold crept into her feet, the bang came again from downstairs. (< Seperate te two sentences or it will be run-on)

She walked into the dark corrider outside and walked quickly down the stairs. She found herself in the lounge.

She screamed as somthing knocked [s]ner[/s] her down, knocking the breath out of her (<Change one of the 'knocking' its king of repetitive).

She let a void of darkness swollow her up.

Hope I could help!

Sorry if I don't find everything, but I'm not the alertest person at this stage.
I lked your story so far, and would like to see more!! And yes. Got me hooked. IF YOU DON'T WRITE MORE OF THIS...

Oops, i was not going to comment because i didn't see any thing wrong with it, but then i saw that it was R rated... should it stop and not read any more when you post it? Not to sound in-supportive, it was really good for the start, but i'm only 13...

It's very vague. That's not a bad thing if you plan to start out using this scene as an introduction, but I definitely encourage you to add a little bit more before you move on.

Also, I was rather thrown off by the R rating. Is it going to gradually move to an R rating? For the time being I wouldn't rate it at all-just a suggestion.

~Thealyn