Alone with the Ghost

Alone With The Ghost

Pandora watched as her parents left though the fornt door. Creak, Went the floor boards as the door slammed against the hinges. Pandora could feel the cold breeze flowing past her skin. She didn't know where it was coming from as the windows and doors were closed. A shadow passed passed her face, she was sure it was just her imsgination but something told her otherwise.

Pandora went to do some washing up because her mum hadn't done it before she left. Pandora filled up the sink with boiling hot water burning her hands in the heat. Pandora thought about tonight her boyfriend Mitchell, he was coming round tonight. Pandora 's parents, Julie and Daniel were visting her grandma in spainThey would stay there for a weekend. She picked up a plate, as it smashed in her ahnds blood flowed down her white dress. She went up to the bath rooom to sort her self out but the sink taps didn't work but the bath ones did. She filled the once empty bath and quickly jumped in. The water pressed against her pure white skin, her black hair flowing though the water. She relaxed as the blood started to wash awy. instead of the water turning red from the blood it turned black.Hands wrapped around Pandoras crest , slowly choking her to death, pulling her slowing down into the bath. Pandora pulled the corner of the bath to escape the whirl pool of hands. Grabbing the sides, slipping off the surface, to release her self from the demons grip. Pandora finally got grip, pulling her limp body off the slipppery surface. Landing slowly on the soft rug. She lay there naked, thinking of the nightmare that had just happened. Only this was real...........

I will edit and add the rest tomorrow.

Wow, this is scary! Very promising and sinister. There are a few spelling and grammar issues...

'Imsgination' should be 'imagination'
'ahnds' should be 'and'
'awy' should be 'away'
In the phrase, 'Creak, Went the floorboards', the W in 'went' should be lower-case.
At the end, there should only be three dots.

The last paragraph would be a lot more effective if it were split up a bit more-it's a bit too big to be one paragraph.

Overall, though, this is very scary, and it has the potential to be very effective. I was surprised at how intense it got.

Ahhhh, this is scary =0

And the person that first reviewed got pretty much all the spelling and grammar mistakes.

The only thing is 'ahnds' to be 'hands'. I THINK.

'were visting her grandma in spainThey' is supposed to be 'were visiting her grandma in Spain. They'.

That's pretty much it =]

Ok it was ok, one thing is that when you talk about this girl named Pandora, you use her name A LOT. pandora did this, then pandora did this, then pandora did that, then pandora thought. This seems repetive and is nor always so much fun to read. The plot is good and now I shall not be able to shower again but some things happened abit fast. First of all her parents left and then there is a shadow then right after, I mean directly after there is a cold breeze that her mind tells her is a super natural presence. Then she washes dishes and all of a sudden randomly a plate breaks. Before we adres this any further how did the plate break, did it just randomly shatter? This is some thing I would add more description too, now back to what I was saying before, the play breaks, she begans to seep blood but she calmy goes up to the bathroom, then washes her hands off and then takes a shower but there is still blood? and all of a sudden she was in the shower, like magic. The plot was good and scary so just work on the things I said and you shall me fine!

I hope this is as scary as the others say it is.

Pandora watched as her parents left though the fro[s]r[/s]nt door.

A shadow passed[s] passed[/s] her face, she was sure it was just her ima[s]s[/s]gination but something told her otherwise.

Pandora filled up the sink with boiling hot water burning her hands in the heat. Pandora thought about tonight her boyfriend Mitchell, he was coming round tonight. Pandora 's parents, Julie and Daniel were visiting her grandma in [s]s[/s]Spain. They would stay there for a weekend.

Too many "Pandora's" here.

She picked up a plate, as it smashed in her [s]a[/s]hands blood flowed down her white dress.

How can she pick up a plate as it smashes and cuts her hand on it??

She went up to the bath rooom to sort her self out but the sink taps didn't work but the bath ones did.

Used but twice

She relaxed as the blood started to wash away.

[s]i[/s]Instead of the water turning red from the blood it turned black.

Well not that scary but i notice you haven't edited the story recently.

Other than that it was okay.

Oooh, ghost stories. yay! I like them alot.

Now, I can see the fear and scariness in this story, but I can also see that your ideas suddenly jumps from somewhere to another place. Like this,

Mitchell, he was coming round tonight. Pandora 's parents, Julie and Daniel were visting her grandma in spainThey would stay there for a weekend.

First you say this.

She picked up a plate, as it smashed in her ahnds blood flowed down her white dress.

Then you say this. It's not connected.

Okay, onto mistakes,

Pandora watched as her parents left [s]though[/s] (through) the [s]fornt[/s] (front) door. Creak, Went (went) the floor boards as the door slammed [s]against the hinges[/s] ("against the door frame is" more likely) . Pandora [s]could feel[/s] (felt) [s]the[/s] (a) cold breeze [s]flowing[/s] (flow) past her skin. She didn't know where it [s]was coming[/s] (came) from as the windows and doors were closed. A shadow passed [s]passed[/s] (over) her face, (.) she was sure it was just her imsgination (imagination) but something told her otherwise.

Pandora went to do some washing [s]up[/s] because her mum hadn't done it before she had left. Pandora filled up the sink with boiling hot water, burning her hands in the heat. [s]Pandora thought about tonight her boyfriend Mitchell, he was coming round tonight.[/s] (This sentence is confusing. Maybe change it to "Pandora thought about her boyfriend, mitchel, who was coming around tonight") Pandora 's parents, Julie and Daniel were visting her grandma in spain (Spain, although you could have written this sentence as you started the story) They [s]would[/s] (are going to) stay there for a (the) weekend. (Make this a new paragraph) She picked up a plate, as it smashed in her ahnds blood flowed down her white dress. (Change this to "She picked up a plate, which smashed in her hands making blood flow down to her white dress) She went up to the bath rooom (bathroom) to sort her self out but the sink taps didn't work. but (But) the bath ones did. She filled the once empty bath and quickly jumped in. (Without even taking off her clothes?) The water pressed against her pure white skin, her black hair flowing though the water. She relaxed as the blood started to wash awy. instead of the water turning red from the blood it turned black. Hands wrapped around Pandoras crest (Wouldn't it be better if the hands wrapped around her chest?) , slowly choking her to death, pulling her, slowing down into the bath. Pandora pulled the corner of the bath to escape the whirlpool of hands. Grabbing the sides, slipping off the surface, to release her self from the demons grip. Pandora finally got (a) grip (and) pulling her limp body off the slipppery surface. Landing slowly on the soft rug. She lay there naked, thinking of the nightmare that had just happened. Only, this was real...........

Okay, other than mistakes, your story needed more description. Of the character and the surrounding.
And it would be better if it had been divided into chapters.

Please continue it.

Good luck.

Creak, Went the floor boards as the door slammed against the hinges.

Went should not be capitilized.

A shadow passed passed her face, she was sure it was just her imsgination but something told her otherwise.

Imagination not imsgination.

Pandora went to do some washing up because her mum hadn't done it before she left. Pandora filled up the sink with boiling hot water burning her hands in the heat. Pandora thought about tonight her boyfriend Mitchell, he was coming round tonight. Pandora 's parents, Julie and Daniel were visting her grandma in spainThey would stay there for a weekend. She picked up a plate, as it smashed in her ahnds blood flowed down her white dress. She went up to the bath rooom to sort her self out but the sink taps didn't work but the bath ones did. She filled the once empty bath and quickly jumped in. The water pressed against her pure white skin, her black hair flowing though the water. She relaxed as the blood started to wash awy. instead of the water turning red from the blood it turned black

Okay if the sink taps don't work how did she fill up the sink to do some washing? That doesn't make since. Spain should be capitilized and there should be a period after it. Hands is mispelled. You don't have to include the part about the once empty tub. If she is filling it up then it should have already been empty. You mispelled away wrong. Another typo. I like it so far, when you edit it and add more PM me I would like to see what happens next. Good Luck!

it is very good and very chilling! most of your mistakes have been noted and i'm sure once you have edited it it will be very good! just keep at it and your story will be great =D

-megan-

Nice.
DEMON STORY YAY!!!
I hoped for someone to write one of these.

Spooky. Well written... I can''t actually say anything because everything has been already said.


Great start Anywayz


LORD ANZIUS WUZ HERE

woa that was scary! it kinda reminds me of The Ring lol but it was still awesome. i think it needed more description though. What did Pandora do when she cut herslef? cry out? did she swear? and was she impatient when she was running the bath, and how did she feel when she saw that her blood was black? horror? fear? Did she scream and thrash when she was starting to get pulled under? was her heart racing? did she think she was going to die? i think it just needs filling out more but it was still as scary as hell!

Hey,
The Grammar wasn't great but I like the whole idea of the story, real scary!