Magic's Curse

Sweat poured off his head as he ran, mouth open, panting from the physical exhaustion that was beginning to settle in. The muscles in his legs began to cramp after having propelled the frail boy’s body for so long.

The tall thin trees shot up all around him, blocking the sun he had come to hate so long ago. As he ran he disturbed the fine carpet of settled leaves that had taken all of fall to position themselves in that exact manner. The soft sound of running water rang gently to the boy’s right, there being a small stream he had avoided for some time, because of where it led.

He suddenly stopped, feet only inches away from the sudden drop. The water from the stream to his left poured out into empty space and disappeared into the darkness below.

The boy angrily brushed his sweat drenched black hair aside. The liquid was seeping into his eyes and blurring his vision which he remedied by rubbing them. The ten year old boy swore under his breath as he turned while hearing the voices getting louder.

“Where are you hiding little Khor! Come out! Come out and play!” the voices taunted while drawing closer still. Five figures seemed to materialize from the darkness. Each were large and burly boys, most had either a club or smooth stones in hand.

One boy in particular stepped forward. He had pale blonde hair jetting out of a cap worn low on his head, nearly covering his almond eyes. He held stones in his hands and was tossing them into the air and catching them again.

“Little Khoralie… don’t wanna play?” At this, the boy heaved a stone at Khor whose ankles were at the edge of the cliff. The stone missed him by at least two feet and sailed into the seemingly endless ravine.

Though he dearly wished to, Khor kept a smirk from his face, five to one were not good odds. “Might need to practice a bit more, Jasel.” he said instead. He knew he shouldn’t have spoken but this was the bare minimum his wit would allow.

The boy with the cap, Jasel, gave what at first appeared to be a cough but was nearly instantly later to be discovered as a short laugh. Jasel then inclined his head toward a behemoth of a child to his right.

Kason stepped forward and the earth rumbled. Shoes and cloths could barely contain this mountain of a person, his head was squashed and his eyes were dilated and darting every which way.

Khor stepped as far back as he was able without falling, in doing so, cast several pebbles into the chasm. Kason held a length of wood in his left hand that he was pounding into his right as he approached.

Without a single thought or impulse, Khor turned and leapt into the darkness that gladly swallowed him. The rush of hair that followed instantly dried the sweat from his entire body. It was peaceful. Suddenly all the anger and aggression in the air seemed to fade away.

The waterfall next to him turned into a fine mist that cooled him. And slowly, every sound, smell and sight was deadened, leaving Khor with an inward emptiness. He inhaled deeply and tasted salty air, like that single day at the beach with his mother. The feeling was unexplainable. And then, all went truly dark.


Khor awoke but kept still with his eyes firmly closed. He felt soft sheets on his back and a feathered pillow under his head. He was shirtless and therefore felt the soft wool blanket that was pulled up to his chest.

He heard two voices in the room, both whispering. Khor instantly recognized one, it was his mothers, the other took him a moment. It was the village doctor, he knew because he had been to see him several times on account of Jasel and his group.

“He should have been killed. When we found him he was barely breathing.” Doctor Shall whispered.

“Will he be alright?” Khor’s mother asked.

“A stone punctured his skull and pierced his brain. All of his ribs were broken, a lung was deflated, and all of his limbs were dislocated and shattered.”

“What are you saying?” his mother persisted. Shall paused and Khor heard him sit into a creaky chair. “He’s completely healed. When Trannil brought him to me, I marked him off as dead. I did what I could to make him comfortable. When I left the room for more bandages… I came back and his body was repairing itself.”

Shall stood and came to stand over Khor. “His lung was already reinflated and each of his shattered bones were replacing themselves. It was the most extraordinary thing I have ever seen.”

Khor heard his mother draw closer to Shall. “Spark Bright?” she whispered so quietly, Khor nearly didn’t hear her. The doctor didn’t respond. He decided it was time to awaken.

Khor opened his fierce blue eyes and attempted to make a sound through his recently discovered dried out throat. He was only able to manage a quiet groan but Shall and his mother took notice.

Shall helped him sit up and the wool blanket rolled away. “How are you feeling?” the doctor asked.

“Fine.” Khor nearly instantly responded. It was a lie. Khor could easily handle the remaining bruises and cuts but the tone of which they said, Spark Bright had jarred him. Like he was turning into something.

“Do you think you can walk?” Shall asked. Stealing a deep breath Khor swiveled his body so his feet were hanging off the side of the bed. He then placed his feet on the cold wooden floors and stood.

“Increadible.” Shall whispered. He didn’t fall over but swayed slightly, the doctor moved to catch him but Khor put up a hand to stop him. Khor easily crossed the room and retrieved his black tunic that was resting on a nearby chair.

He pulled it over his head and looked expectedly to his mother. “Well doctor?” she asked. “Notify me if anything changes.” She smiled and shook his hand.

This is well-written, and I like how it begins.

The boy angrily brushed his sweat drenched black hair aside

Sweat drenched = sweat-drenched.

Each were large and burly boys, most had either a club or smooth stones in hand

This sentence should be seperated in some way. With a semi-colon, an "and", or make them two seperate sentences.

Though he dearly wished to, Khor kept a smirk from his face, five to one were not good odds

Again, the last part of this sentence should be seperated in some way - I recommend a semi-colon. It just allows the sentence to flow better, to generally look better.

Khor instantly recognized one, it was his mothers, the other took him a moment.

Same goes for this one. A comma isn't enough for these kind of sentences.

He didn’t fall over but swayed slightly, the doctor moved to catch him but Khor put up a hand to stop him.

And here.

With the names of the characters, it makes the story seem like it's in a fantasy or future realm except you never specify or explain. I like the names though, and I'd like to find out what's up with the Khor boy.

Hey! this was really well writen, but i have a few suggestions. I would say that your story needs much more describing of the enviorment and of emotions.

the first part of the story was better described, but slowly started to wear off. the very begining was good:

Sweat poured off his head as he ran, mouth open, panting from the physical exhaustion that was beginning to settle in. The muscles in his legs began to cramp after having propelled the frail boy’s body for so long.

The tall thin trees shot up all around him, blocking the sun he had come to hate so long ago. As he ran he disturbed the fine carpet of settled leaves that had taken all of fall to position themselves in that exact manner. The soft sound of running water rang gently to the boy’s right, there being a small stream he had avoided for some time, because of where it led.[/quote]

but as you went farther on you started to discribe less and less. Try to do what you did in the begining!!

Khor heard his mother draw closer to Shall. “Spark Bright?” she whispered so quietly, Khor nearly didn’t hear her. The doctor didn’t respond. He decided it was time to awaken

and just to make a suggestion: you should change the name of 'spark bright" because its sounds like poofy fairy magic and i'm sure thats not what you were aiming for!

This is an interesting story. The action at the beginning serves well to draw the reader in, and then Khor's mysterious healing makes them continue reading. Very good job.

The tall, thin trees shot up all around him, blocking the sun he had come to hate so long ago. As he ran, he disturbed the fine carpet of settled leaves that had taken all of fall to position themselves in that exact manner.

Commas added.

The ten year old boy swore under his breath as he turned, [s]while[/s] hearing the voices getting louder.

Don't think you need that word, and I added a comma.

the voices taunted while drawing closer [s]still[/s].

I also don't think you need that word.

Each were large and burly boys, most had either a club or smooth stones in hand.

I agree with one of the earlier reviewers, either a semicolon, or a connecting word. It could even be reworked, maybe: They were large and burly; most had a club or smooth stones in hand. I don't know, it just needs something.

One boy in particular stepped forward.

This could probably be rephrased as 'the leader of the group stepped forward.'

At this, the boy heaved a stone at Khor whose ankles were at the edge of the cliff.

What happened to his feet? I don't think that you want that word, really. Also, why aren't these boys worried about him being near the cliff? This really only sounds like bullying, and bullies don't quite want to kill their prey. That being said, you could probably remind the reader that Khore was near the cliff by mentioning their reluctance about the cliff, or even Khore's reluctance about the cliff.

Though he dearly wished to, Khor kept a smirk from his face; five to one were not good odds.

You might want to find some way of switching those clauses. Also, I think the semicolon works a bit better.

He knew he shouldn’t have spoken but this was the bare minimum his wit would allow.

I'm also unsure about this sentence, and I think it could use a bit of clarification.

The boy with the cap, Jasel, gave what at first appeared to be a cough but was nearly instantly later to be discovered as a short laugh.

This is also confusing. Also, a bit telly. Rephrase it to something like: '..gave what sounded like a cough, but Khore knew that it was Jasal's way of laughing.' Or, 'sounded like a cough, but the smirk on Jasal's face said otherwise.'

Kason stepped forward and the earth rumbled. Shoes and clothes could barely contain this mountain of a person. His head was squashed and his eyes were dilated, [s]and[/s] darting every which way.

First of all, I really don't like his name. Only because your main character has a K at the start of his name, and then you have this other character, Jasal, who is only couple of letters off from 'Jason.' So, you might just want to think about that.

Then, fixed misspelling, and created a new sentence.

Khor stepped as far back as he was able without falling and, in doing so, cast several pebbles into the chasm. Kason held a length of wood in his left hand that he was pounding into his right as he approached.

See what I mean, I keep thinking that Khore has the piece of wood. Also, this part could get rid of the earlier part where you mentioned the cliff, with Jasal and the rock. Added the connector word for the one sentence to make sense. Also, I think that the second sentence could be rephrased. I'm not too sure about the verb 'pounding.'

Without a single thought or impulse, Khor turned and leapt into the darkness that gladly swallowed him.

This part is really random, and one of the parts where I would really like it if you would connect us to what Khore is thinking and feeling. Also, I disagree about the lack of impulse, as there's got to be some reason why he's jumped off the cliff. This part really needs an explanation.

The rush of hair that followed instantly dried the sweat from his entire body.

I think there's a typo there. Unless your character was shooting up Rogaine.

Suddenly all the anger and aggression in the air seemed to fade away.

Erm, does this mean that the five boys are also peaceful? I'm not so sure about the function of this sentence.

[s]And[/s] Slowly, every sound, smell and sight [s]was[/s] deadened, leaving Khor with an inward emptiness.

I don't think you need the 'and' at the beginning of the sentence, and I also don't think that the 'was' fits in.

He inhaled deeply and tasted salty air, like that single day at the beach with his mother. The feeling was unexplainable.

This part is a bit random. Another part that we needed to be connected to. What's so special about the day at the beach? What feeling is it that is unexplainable?

Khor awoke, but kept still, with his eyes firmly closed.

I think this needs stars or something, to keep it separate from the earlier scene. It would also add to the drama. Then, commas added. But, I also have something to say about him being able to keep his body still, and his eyes shut. First of all, how many people, after jumping off a cliff, will be able to awake like that? Even if someone is calm while jumping, when you wake up from something like that, you should have quite the rush of adrenaline. If I were Khore, I'd be bolting up, unless my body wouldn't allow it. Beyond that, how many ten year old boys would be willing to stay still like that? Your character is no Heero Yuy.

He heard two voices in the room, both whispering.

Why are they whispering?

Khor instantly recognized one, [s]it was [/s]his mother's, but the other took him a moment. He soon recognized it as [s]It was[/s] the village doctor's, [s]he knew because[/s] he had been to see him several times on account of Jasel and his group.

Okay, I don't think you need the parts stricken out. The bold are corrections and added words, because I'm sure that Khore doesn't have multiple mothers.

“He should have been killed. When we found him he was barely breathing.” Doctor Shall said [s]whispered[/s].

One, again, I don't like the name. While the word 'shall' isn't that commonly used, it is a word that people recognize. Plus, it's a grammar term, so it shows up in writing. Secondly, you've already said that they were whispering, so I think you can just use the word 'said.'

“Will he be alright?” [s]Khor’s[/s]his mother asked.

We know that it's Khore's mother.

“A stone punctured his skull and pierced his brain. All of his ribs were broken, a lung was deflated, and all of his limbs were dislocated and shattered.”

A bit blunt, and poor bedside manners. I also wonder about the technology this world has, whether they are knowledgeable enough to know all of this. Also, I think 'shattered' says enough about the state of his limbs. I mean, his limbs could have been dislocated, but does the reader really have to know? Let alone the mother...

“What are you saying?” his mother persisted.

Shall paused and Khor heard him sit into a creaky chair. “He’s completely healed. When Trannil brought him to me, I marked him off as dead. I did what I could to make him comfortable. When I left the room for more bandages… I came back and his body was repairing itself.”

Several things here. New paragraphs for new speakers. Shall had already paused, as his mother was just talking. Then, with the injuries Khore had, I would have thought that he was already dead. Or, at least, that he appeared dead. Then, shouldn't the doctor have already told this to the mother, why is she just learning about this now?

The doctor didn’t respond. He decided it was time to awaken.

First, you make it sound as though the doctor decided to awaken, and that's why he's not answering. Second, I thought Khore was already awake? Just doing a Heero Yuy impression.(*)

Khor opened his fierce blue eyes and attempted to make a sound through his recently discovered dried out throat.

First one is a random info-dump. Second one, he's only recently discovered his throat? Clarification.

He was only able to manage a quiet groan but Shall and his mother took notice.

They were standing over him, why didn't they notice his eyes?

Shall helped him sit up and the wool blanket rolled away.

Kind of info-dumpy, and also sounds as though the blanket has a mind of its own.

“Fine.” Khor nearly instantly responded. It was a lie. Khor could easily handle the remaining bruises and cuts but the tone of which they said, Spark Bright had jarred him. Like he was turning into something.

He falls off a cliff, hears his diagnosis, and says he's fine? And what ten year old would lie about something like that? Clarification about the Spark Bright thing, because that underline part is completely random.

“Do you think you can walk?” Shall asked.

What kind of doctor is this? The kid almost dies, his bones were crushed, and then miraculously healed, and he asks the kid to walk? I would think that they would keep the boy in bed, and do a full check up, investigation, before they even allow him to move a finger.

This being said, I think you need to scrap the rest of the chapter. Or, at least add in something about the investigation. Because he shouldn't just be allowed to get out of bed, and leave. Even if he was okay, wouldn't they be so worried about this 'Spark Bright' that they would want to hide him away for a few months. So that all of the villagers would think that he 'recovered' normally?

“Well doctor?” she asked. “Notify me if anything changes.” She smiled and shook his hand.

In case you decide to keep this part. New paragraphs for new speakers. This makes it seem as though the mother is telling the doctor to notify her if anything changes. Then, change the second 'she' to Doctor Shall.

All in all, interesting story. I think it's a bit rushed, especially after he falls off the cliff, but it's a good beginning. I'm interested in what happens next, and what this Spark Bright is. I'm also interested in figuring out who Khore is.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions about this crit, and good luck with your writing!!

* Heero Yuy is from the anime 'Gundam Wing.' He was created to be the Perfect Soldier, and most of his emotions were suppressed. There was one scene where he was captured, and put in a hospital, and he was able to wake up and fool the machines at the same time. Later on, he was also able to set his own broken leg.

I see the other critiquers have already beaten me to all of the stuff I was going to point out as far as nitpicks so, so I'll just compare it to Pure Magic.

It was MUCH. BETTER. Oh my goodness, your writing style has matured a LOT. I don't know how (have you been practicing?) but this chapter was a lot easier to read, a lot more entertaining and a lot less confusing than many of the Pure Magic chapters were. I loved the mystery and the way it started out with an action scene - although I was a little confused as to why the bullies were being so blatantly mean to him and stuff. Usually bullies aren't out to KILL their victims...that might take a little explaining. Or perhaps I just missed something.

Anyway, a very good job - just a few minor things with sentence structure and spelling and punctuation and grammar, but the others got it. Nice going and I look forward to seeing more!

Yours ever, MadamoiselleKool

See! Look at all the other in-depth critiques you're getting, what do you need me for? Seriously, though, I'm putting you on my list of things to at least glance at.

Deffinately one of the better biginnings to stories that ive read. I must admit, it seems a little far fetched that he would be found had he really run that far.. but its fantasy, so that comes in handy in different stories.

I really hope you continue with this though, it was really well written out, and i really liked it. I hope to find the next parts to this story soon.

Sweat poured off his head as he ran, mouth open, panting from the physical exhaustion that was beginning to settle in.

1. Just off his head?
2. One generally pants from physical exhaustion—you don’t have to tell us. Nix (and then, of course, adjust the wording so you don’t end on an awkward “panting.”)

The tall thin trees shot up all around him

The word “shot” makes it sound like they’re shooting up as he’s running.

the fine carpet of settled leaves that had taken all of fall to position themselves in that exact manner.

Funfun, but slightly awkward wording. “leaves that had carefully fallen into their exact positions” or sumsuch perhaps. Made me smile.

The soft sound of running water rang gently to the boy’s right, there being a small stream he had avoided for some time, because of where it led.

You need to split the sentence at the red and get rid of “there being.” Try something like “He had avoided that small stream for some time, dreading where it led.” You see?

The liquid was seeping into his eyes and blurring his vision which he remedied by rubbing them.

Again, a run-on sentence. “blurring his vision. He rubbed his eyes, clearing them.” Or such.

The ten year old boy

An awkward time to tell us that he’s ten—either slip it in right at the beginning or leave it out entirely for now, as we don’t really need to know his exact age.

Each were large and burly boys

Awkward wording, perhaps: “Each boy was large and burly.”

He had pale blonde hair jetting out of a cap

I suspect you mean “jutting.” How does hair “jet” in fact?

his almond eyes

Almond-shaped or almond-colored? ‘Cause right now, I’m just seeing nuts.

Though he dearly wished to, Khor kept a smirk from his face

Dearly wished to smirk? I’d just nix that first bit—if you tell us Khor’s keeping a smirk from his face, then we automatically know he wants to smirk.

in doing so, cast several pebbles into the chasm.

1. Make this a separate sentence.
2. Give the poor thing a subject: “In doing so, he cast several pebbles…”

Without a single thought or impulse, Khor turned and leapt into the darkness that gladly swallowed him.

Nix—the shorter sentence give the statement more punch.

He was shirtless and therefore felt the soft wool blanket that was pulled up to his chest.

Nix the bits in red: “He was shirtless and a soft wool blanket was pulled up to his chest.”

Khor instantly recognized one, it was his mothers

I do believe you mean “mother’s.” *snickers*

“A stone punctured his skull and pierced his brain. All of his ribs were broken, a lung was deflated, and all of his limbs were dislocated and shattered.”

“What are you saying?” his mother persisted.

“I’m saying your boy is now a zombie if he’s anything, ma’am.” Seriously, Pol, even Wolverine wouldn’t survive a pounding like that. Remember how I tease you about making Khor too perfect? This is an instance of that. Would it have been so bad to have made it a relatively short waterfall and given him just an assortment of minor breakages and maybe some internal bleeding? He’s not Superman (nor Wolverine, for that matter).

I marked him off as dead. I did what I could to make him comfortable. When I left the room for more bandages

What kind of doctor tries to make a corpse more comfortable and gets it bandages?

each of his shattered bones were replacing themselves

Um…how? I have this mental image of the broken bones going on a coffee break while some kind of new back-up bones replace them. Wolverine never has to deal with this because his bones are indestructible, but if I had to hazard a guess as to how/ broken bones would repair themselves, it would start with them getting set properly, otherwise they’d heal incredibly crooked. Even if you speed up the body’s repair process, there’s only so much it can do. P.S. How can the doctor see much of anything that’s going on internally—from what I know of your world Khor’s not opened up on one of Ducky’s slabs right now.

He decided it was time to awaken.

Nix—you show him waking up in just a second, no need to tell us that’s what he’s going to do.

attempted to make a sound through his recently discovered dried out throat.

Nix—you make it sound like he’s only recently discovered his throat.

Khor could easily handle the remaining bruises and cuts but the tone of which they said, Spark Bright had jarred him.

Whoa! You combine two totally different concepts into one (run-on) sentence. “But it was what they had said about Spark Bright—whatever that was—that jarred him.” Or sumsuch.

“Do you think you can walk?” Shall asked.

I’m really not forming a good opinion of this doctor. Magic or not, he’s asking a recently-dead patient to walk just hours after a fatal fall. *gives Dr. Shall poor marks*

“Increadible.” Shall whispered.

I do believe you mean “incredible.”

He didn’t fall over but swayed slightly

Who didn’t fall over? The last male you mentioned was Shall—that’s who your readers will assume you’re talking about.

He pulled it over his head and looked expectedly to his mother. “Well doctor?” she asked. “Notify me if anything changes.” She smiled and shook his hand.

Who says “Notify me”? At first I thought it was the mother, and had to read it twice just to realize it might not be.

See! You don’t want me critiquing your work! But I’ve done it ‘cause I love you, okay—now you can see what a picky editor I am. *hug*

Just to be clear on it yes it is a good story but when you write a sentece you have to think if it makes sense and its written properly
good story but only a few errors

Story is okay but you have to think of the rational things and if it makes sense well a sotry doesnt have to make sense but a good story has to take time i mean think exactly of the subject and dont get of topic.
Grammar and spelling erorrs seem to be 1 of the writers mistake and dont get of track with one thing then another thing if its and unrational story unrational things will happen get it?
theres a beggining and a middle and a end not criss cross,
i have my mistakes and critiques are harsh but its all part of a writers learning
this story was well.... a little blunt
.go back to the story before you post anything .

Polt! Your alive! What's been up? Sadly I missed the ending of Pure Magic, but I'll just read it when you get it published . Anyway, I really liked this start. You already have way better comments on it than I could give, so let me say just one thing. Once again the idea is amazing, but the grammar and style needs work. Sadly, that is what it takes, plain work, editing, more editing, and even more editing. It is a simple fact of writing that we all have to endure...I don't like it either. Anyway, I'm sure you were planning on doing that later...maybe...sometime in the future .

Anyway, glad to have you back...like I should talk .

-GJ

hey i love your begining
i think that spark bright sounds a little fairyish
but still love the story

i have to hand it to you, you do know how to make a story very action packed. just afew things you can do to improve the story


"He suddenly stopped, feet only inches away from the sudden drop." here, i would recommend scratching out the word "feet" to have the sentence make more sense.


"Where are you hiding little Khor! Come out! Come out and play!”" substitute the exclamation point in the first sentence for a question mark since the person speaking is clearly asking a question.


"The soft sound of running water rang gently to the boy’s right, there being a small stream he had avoided for some time, because of where it led." this is kind of a run on sentence. try to revise it so both statements are two seperate sentences.

thats all the criticism i have. but other than that this story is very good. keep going with it and im sure you can get it published.

I think I'm in love with Khor
Lol

That was absolutely captivating
You picked the perfect words to describe what you were talking about; I could practically feel the mist and utter calm of the waterfall

a couple of spelling errors,
needs a bit of polishing
perhaps some more description about a few of the characters
( the mother and doctor, for example)

but I really enjoyed reading this
So keep up the amazing work

You have one heck of a story here....you mind creates unique imagination the kind of which rarely is ever seen. However, you could do with giving more detail of the surroundings and the boys, both Khor and the bad guys. I also advice you to change the name Spark Bright....it is a little babyish. Perhaps if you invent a name or translate it to some other language, it will be better. Th is my opinion. Make of it what you will. Good luck with the rest of the chapters