Kamir story (doesn't really have a title yet)

I'm having a lot of trouble with this story, so any suggestions are absolutely welcome. Please be brutally honest. I need help!!!











The Sadism Circus



Kamir was not fond of sadism, it sickened him; it sickened him terribly. Still, for some reason, he felt the need to be at the circus. Kamir couldn’t explain his disturbing urges to visit these shows. Perhaps it was because he could be around people who, like him, were different, or perhaps it was because he could be thankful for the accident that blinded him about two years ago.
Kamir was an air wizard – a trait not commonly found in Rhegia – and when he was eleven, he enjoyed fighting with other wizards of the three elements: earth, water, and air. Dueling was illegal, but Kamir’s arrogance drove him to meet with wizards, asking them to a duel. When he was turned down by those his own age, he ended up having to battle against older, more experienced wizards. Still, Kamir almost always won. Then he met the dragons, the masters of fire. Kamir didn’t know anything about fire or dragons, but challenged one anyway. Throughout the fight he struggled to ward off the numerous blows, trying unsuccessfully to create a shield of wind. At one point, Kamir thought he was doing relatively well, until the ground at his feet burst into flame. It shot towards the sky, licking Kamir’s face and curled around him. As abruptly as it had come, the bright scarlet-orange blaze sunk back into the ground with a hiss. The last thing the air wizard saw was the blurred image of the dragon, in human form, running toward him. An eerie blue cast illuminating her face, her eyes glowed yellow like a pair of lanterns in the middle of the night.
I’m going to die, Kamir thought as his world became fuzzy and distorted and faded into a world of nothing, nothing at all. Everything was black and… gone. He could faintly hear the girl talking to him. “Are you all right? I’m so sorry! Can you hear me? Please tell me you can hear me! Say something, something!” She was speaking so quickly that her words blended together.
Kamir tried to crawl away from her, but stopped as the air was shattered by laughter that pierced him and made him feel as though an army of ants were crawling slowly up his spine.
The same type of laughter brought Kamir back from his memory. Though he hated to do so, he turned to he left and asked the man next to him, “Would you mind telling me what’s happening?”
The man’s brow furrowed deeply, so that it came to a sharp point, barely touching the bridge of his nose. “Why don’t you see for yourself kid?” he said gruffly, a mix of sarcasm and annoyance in his voice.
“I’m blind, genius, and I’m not a kid. I’m thirteen,” Kamir snarled. The man snorted a chuckle, infuriating Kamir. “Tell me what’s happening!”
The man rose slowly, his hands clenched in tight fists. A growl rumbled deep in his throat as if unable to escape and make its presence known. “No one talks back ta me. Especially stupid worthless, blind, kids!” he yelled.
Kamir ignored the man’s retort and pushed his smooth, dark brown hair away from his face.
“Don’t ya have anything ta say?” the man growled. Kamir kicked the ground gently and said nothing.
“Insolence!” the man bellowed, drawing his fist back and letting it streak through the air. Kamir lifted his hand lazily, with annoyance. The man’s fist stopped in mid-swing, hovering in front of Kamir’s face. The man could not pull his arm back, nor could he push it forward.
“Why won’t my hand move?” the man grunted, trying franticly to withdraw his arm. Kamir listened to the man’s moaning with satisfaction.
“You’re wasting energy,” Kamir said coolly. The air leading from his arm to the floor had been altered from a gas to a solid. Moving the hand would be impossible.
In his panic, the man had started slapping at his frozen fist, but he seemed to come in contact with an invisible barrier.
“Tell me kindly what’s happening, and I will release you; leave you to mind your own business.” Kamir sighed, trying to ignore the man’s cursing.
“As if you could change the air,” the man snorted.
Kamir shrugged, turned to the man on his other side and asked, “Kind sir, what’s going on in the show?”
The man frowned. “How’d you know I was a ‘sir’? Ain’t you blind?”
“Yes, I’m, blind. Answer the question.” Kamir heard the man exhale sharply with irritation.
“And why should I be tellin’ you?” the man grumbled.
Kamir nodded to the other man who was still tugging on his arm. “Does that answer your question?”
The man’s eyes widened and he spluttered, “There’s a girl in a cage. Everyone’s throwing things at her. They’re going to-”
The air wizard smiled. “Thanks.” He bent down and, with his hand, searched for his walking stick. When he had found it, he casually released the first man’s arm with a gentle wave of his hand. He strolled out into the isle, letting the walking stick guide him instead of air. He felt objects whizz past him, and heard a girl crying out every time a loud splat or smack echoed through the small building.There was something familiar about the shrieks. Kamir pushed his way through a gate and found himself in the arena. Everything went silent. Almost everyone was holding their breath. No one had ever dared to go past the gate. Kamir could barely feel any disturbances in the air. Something was disturbing the air, though. The object was sharp, narrow, jagged and… smooth? Kamir flicked up his walking stick in front of his face. With a loud twang, the knife pierced Kamir’s walking stick, swaying side to side with tremendous speed, causing the stick to shake violently. A gentle tug from Kamir dislodged the knife. He tossed it to the ground as if it was harmless as a twig. Kamir continued his procession toward the girl in the cage.
“Leave me alone,” the girl snarled. Kamir recognized her voice, but couldn’t remember where he had heard it before.
“No. I’ve come to rescue you.”
Kamir felt the air shift as the girl crossed her arms to form an "X" “I need no help from you; I can take care of myself!” she screamed as she spread out her arms with great force.
"Now what?" Kamir mumbled to himself when the audience gasped. Then he heard the crackling and felt the heat of flame. Having just barely enough time to create and air shield to counter the surprise attack, Kamir was catapulted backward from the impact. He landed on his back, unable to breath, unable to move. The air wizard forced oxygen into his lungs, but was still struggling to breathe. He heard the clanking of metal falling to the ground, wondering what had just occured. The girl was looming over him, engulfed in blanket of smoke and ash. Kamir was, once again, grateful for his lack of vision. He recognized the voice now. It was the dragon he had met two years ago.

An interesting story, I like the way you use magic within this. And, having a blind protagonist is interesting and not often done. I'd like to see what happens next.

Perhaps it was because he could be around people who, like him, were different, or perhaps it was because he could be thankful for the accident that blinded him about two years ago.

At the start, I did wonder why a blind person would go to a show that was mostly based on sight.

Still, Kamir always won– almost always won – sort of.

This sentence doesn't make sense, it says one thing and then the other. Even if you did take out the words in the hyphens, it doesn't make sense at all: 'Still, Kamir always won, sort of?' I would write it like this: Still, Kamir almost always won. Because, we don't expect an 11 year old, even if that's like being in one's teens in your world, to always win all the time.

Throughout the fight, he struggled to ward off the numerous blows, trying unsuccessfully to create a shield of wind.

I think that the comma belongs there. It's kind of a so-so thing, but I think it does work better. Also, wind is really weak against fire, the poor kid.

The last thing the air wizard saw was the blurred image of the dragon, in human form, running toward him, an eerie blue cast illuminating her face, her eyes a yellow glow like a pair of lanterns in the middle of the night.

This is a run-on sentence, please separate it out into two or more sentences,

I’m going to die, Kamir thought as his world became fuzzy and distorted and faded into a world of nothing, nothing at all. Everything was black and… gone.

Was he blinded by the brightness of the flame, or did the flames destroy his eyes? If the flames destroyed his eyes, then he should be hurt.

“Are you all right? I’m so sorry! Can you hear me? Please tell me you can hear me! Say something, something!” She was speaking so quickly that her words blended together.

If she panics this much when defeating her opponent, why was she fighting? Why would she fight when she didn't know how to control her powers, or got upset when she did hurt someone?

Kamir felt comforted by her concern, but comfort was shattered by laughter[s], laughter[/s] that pierced him and made him feel as though an army of ants were crawling slowly up his spine. The laughter was cold, cruel, heartless.

I'm totally confused with this part. One, why would he be comforted at all by her concern? It seems like he's the one who's really into fighting, and that doesn't fit that type of mentality at all. I would be upset at the dragon girl, and upset at myself for losing.

Two, who was laughing? And why were they laughing?

Three, you describe this laughter too much. Plus, it strays into run-on territory a bit, so you might want to watch out for that. You don't need the repetition of the word 'laughter' at the first point. I really like the description in that first sentence, but not the second one. I think we can get that the person behind the laughter wasn't a nice person. Plus, the descriptions in that one are practically the same.

Clarification, and better sentence length could help.

The same type of laughter brought Kamir back from his [s]excruciating[/s] memory.

Since the subject matter was painful, we kind of get that the memory was painful to him. Although, I do have to wonder if he's changed from the kid he was back then. If the memory was excruciating only because of his loss of sight, or if it was also painful looking back at how mistaken he was back then.

Though he hated to do so, he turned to he left and asked the man next to him

Another question, what did he do, if he didn't ask people what was going on? Or, does he hate it, but do it anyway?

“Why don’t you see for yourself, kid?” he said gruffly, [s]with[/s] a mix [s]with[/s] of sarcasm and annoyance in his voice.

Added a comma. Then, I don't think you need the first 'with,' and I'm fairly sure that the second one was a typo.

“I’m blind, genius, and I’m not a kid. I’m thirteen,”

I do have to wonder about what your world thinks about people's ages. It reminds me a bit of the past, like in the crusades era, where people came of age very quickly. But, it is something that you have to think out.

The man rose slowly, his hands clenched in tight fists, a growl rumbling deep in his throat as if unable to escape and make its presence known.

Straying into run-on territory, just a warning. Also, why is the man getting so upset? It just seems a bit random.

Kamir ignored the man’s retort and pushed his hair away from his face. Its smooth, dark brown color turned an orange-red and gold where the light rested on it and gave it a shimmering glow.

First of all, a bit of an info-dump. Try and find some way of incorporating some of the details into the description naturally. Like, when he pushes his hair back would be a perfect time to add in the dark brown color. Plus, there's just something wrong with the way you worded it, makes it seem like the brown color gave the hair a shimmering glow. You could even just rewrite the sentence, and maybe fend off the info-dump feel, so that the light is the subject of the sentence.

Also, I do have to wonder about Kamir's behavior at this point. If he retorts that strongly when being asked about his sight and being referenced as a kid, why does he retort now?

“INSOLENCE!” the man bellowed, drawing his fist [s]drawing[/s] back and letting it streak through the air.

No need for the all caps, as bellowed gives enough description that it would be repetition. Also, you need the word in bold at the beginning of the sentence, in order for the verb in the second part of the sentence to make sense.

The fist was still, suspended, and immobile.

This sentence doesn't need to be here, as you've already said this in the sentence before. 'The first stopped in mid-swing, and hovered in the air.' And the sentence afterwords. Also, you're repeating synonyms again. Still equals into suspended, which equals into immobile, which equals into still.

Kamir sighed, trying to ignore the man’s choice of words.

Are these the same words from earlier, or is the man now cursing? If he's cursing, please say so, or at least say if this is current or not.

Kamir shrugged, annoyed, and turned to the man on his other side and asked,

You've already said that he was annoyed, multiple times. I think it can be cut from this sentence. You also say that Kamir is shrugging a lot, but at least shrugging is a verb that is limited in time.

The man frowned. “How’d you know I was a ‘sir’? Ain’t you blind?”

Question about your culture again, would a woman really be allowed to something like this? Or, is the age thing the only thing kept from the culture of the really old era?

“You have your ways of knowing” as if to confirm what he had heard. Kamir reddened a little with embarrassment and repeated his question to change the subject.

I don't get the joke.

When he had found it, he casually released the man’s arm with a gentle wave of his hand.

Another nitpick, but you might want to clarify who he released. Most people know that it's the first guy, but, then again, you have two nameless guys that Kamir was talking to.

He felt objects whizz past him, and heard a girl crying out every time a loud splat or smack echoed through the small building.

I like this bit of description, because it shows the reader what it's like to be blind. Of course he can't see, but he can hear and feel. Very good.

No one had ever dared to go past the gate.

Why is he rescuing her? Why her, why now? I mean, he said that he had come to the circus many times before, why is he rescuing her now? What makes this time different than all of the rest?

Something was disturbing the air, though.

Comma added.

It was [s]sharp,[/s] sharp, narrow, jagged, and… smooth?

You don't need the two 'sharps.' I kind of do see where you were going with it, although it would have been better with a semicolon to set it apart from the list, but it really doesn't matter in any case. The sentence is much better as just a list, although you might want to refer to 'it' as 'the object.' Nice description, in any case, goes back to what it would be like to be blind. A good insight as to what it's like to be a blind wind wizard.

With a gentle tug from Kamir, the knife slipped out with ease.

I'd rework this sentence so that it doesn't mimic the sentence before it too much. Maybe: A gentle tug from Kamir was all that was needed to dislodge the knife.

The girl held the back of her hands next to the opposite ear so that her arms intersected like a perfect “X.”

This part and...

she spread out her arms with great force so that she looked like she was pretending to be a bird, her wings open, ready for take-off. Flame extended out from her fingertips in a wide, flat, two-dimensional circle that hovered about four feet above the ground.

this part I would really love if you could find a way to connect it to how Kamir experiences the world. Either that, or you need a way to disconnect Kamir's vision from the reader, going back to a more 'third person' POV with a better transition.

All in all, I thought it was a great story. I'm very curious as to how Kamir has changed from how he was earlier in his history. I do hope that he has learned from his mistakes, and is a bit wiser from it. The reappearance of the dragon girl is interesting.

I like your protagonist, although I'm holding back a bit until I learn a bit more about him, and I like your world. You have an interesting view on magic. I would like it if you would connect Kamir to your readers a bit more, show the world through his eyes more. A blind wind wizard could be so much fun, and it's so interesting seeing through his eyes.

Good luck with your writing!

Thank you very much!
Most of the sentences you had a problem with were ones I was having trouble writing.

Still, Kamir always won– almost always won – sort of.

Um. I was trying to make it seem like Kamir was trying to make himself seem bigger that he his, but still lets the reader know that he's not that great. I was going back and forth on whether or not to delete this sentence.



I think the brightness of the flame burned his retinas. I'm pretty sure that's what happened. I'll have to think more on that.

As for the dragon being worried, she didn't actually make that fire. Some evil guy did, and that's whose laughing. He's either trying to hurt Kamir, or get the dragon in trouble. I'm trying to decide.


Why is Kamir comforted by her concern? Good question! I was going to change that, but decided against it.

Another question, what did he do, if he didn't ask people what was going on? Or, does he hate it, but do it anyway?

He would probably just listen and not really care about what was happening, unless he heard something interesting.

“I’m blind, genius, and I’m not a kid. I’m thirteen,”

Once again, I was trying to bring out Kamir's cockiness. He tries to think he's bigger than he is. To tell you the truth, I haven't really thought about culture or anything quite yet. Thank you for pointing that out.

I have no idea why the man got upset. Maybe he's drunk. I probably know less about this story than most other people.

If he retorts that strongly when being asked about his sight and being referenced as a kid, why does he retort now?

He's just annoyed and doesn't feel the need to retort.

The man is cursing. Sorry about that.

“You have your ways of knowing” as if to confirm what he had heard. Kamir reddened a little with embarrassment and repeated his question to change the subject.

I had something else here before, but it was really dumb and I couldn't think of a way to rewrite it. Sorry. I'll change it.

Why is he rescuing her? Why her, why now? I mean, he said that he had come to the circus many times before, why is he rescuing her now? What makes this time different than all of the rest?

I see your point. I think it's because he recognized her voice, and was curious.


Thank you for your suggestions and I'm sorry that I had to explain so much. Some of it comes later in the story, but most of it was just my fault.
I will fix my run-ons and work on POV.

>Searria

Hey there! This was definitely an interesting start, I'm curious to hear more about your world and characters.

I did think that maybe the story of how Kamir became blind was a little info-dumpy... like you could tell us about it later, to increase the suspense. That's probably just me though.

Also, you said he saved the girl/dragon because he recognized her voice, but he walked over to go rescue her before he heard her speak, right?

Kamir was not fond of sadism, it sickened him; it sickened him terribly.

Athough an interesting hook into the story, this sentence seemed... kind of odd. I don't think most people would be terribly fond of sadism, actually. How does not being a sadist make your character special? Is it a common trait in your world?

I’m going to die, Kamir thought

Just a nitpick, but I think the thought should be in italics.

Kamir sighed, trying to ignore the man’s choice of words.

What choice of words? Did I miss something?

she looked like she was pretending to be a bird, her wings open

This sentence would be just fine, except for one thing. She "looked" like she was pretending to be a bird? Er.. how would Kamir know what she looks like, exactly?

He landed on his back, unable to breath, unable to move.

"Breath" is a noun. "Breathe" is the verb.

Kamir was, once again, grateful for his lack of vision.

Um... this guy's got a dragon about to attack him. The dragon has the power of fire, is surrounded by choking smoke and ash, is presumably quite angry, and is looming over him while he lies helpless against the wall. I really don't see how his blindness is going to help him.

Anyway, very good, promising start, I'd love to read the next chapter.