Derek

Derek woke up, and thought to himself, "Shit."

"Shit" was a very common word in Derek's vocabulary. In most cases, it was used as an interjection, to describe his feeling of annoyance when something bad occurs. Which is generally, quite often.

Derek took out a bowl of cereal, Frosted Flakes, for all you people out there who care about such things, and poured into into his bowl. He poured some milk in the bowl too, just for the fun of it. While devouring this meal, he accidentally poured some of the milk on to his clothes.

"Shit."

On this particular Wednesday, Derek wore his usual work attire, of a business suit, and a not-so-snazzy tie. He walked out of the front door of his home, and locked the door.

Derek felt lonely on this particular Wednesday.

Derek got to his office building. Derek's line of work was something to do with computers. Even he didn't know. A car drove through a puddle, and quite a bit of water got on Derek. Two liquid-based accidents in less then two hours.

"Shit."

Derek only had one male "friend" in the office. His "cubicle buddy," Terrence. Terrence worked on the opposite side of Derek's cubicle, so, it would be rude not to acknowledge him, so, they developed a sort of "friendship." A usual morning conversation would go like this.

"Hey Derek."
"Hey Terrence."
"How was your evening."
"It was an evening alright."
"You ready for another exciting day of work?"
"Should I be?"

Then Terrence would just get back to doing his work, and Derek with his.

Usually, throughout the day, Derek would try and catch the eye of Sarah, a woman who he had a crush on in the office. He would say things like,

"Hey Sarah."
"Hey Derek."
"I like your woman's suit."
"I wear this everyday, and you say that every day."
"Well, that's why I say it every day then."

And they would chuckle, and other such things. Sometimes Derek would make a stupid comment, but it would quickly be forgotten, and then they would get back to work. Derek would never get the courage to ask Sarah out.

"Shit."

Many times, the Boss, Mr. Barry Ossman, yes, that is his real name, would call Derek into his office, to berate him constantly about his supposed slacking off throughout the day. Derek would never listen. Instead he would think about making Mr. Ossman's head explode.

He would concentrate deeply in his mind, thinking solely about Mr. Ossman's head. The extremely long shape of it, and how it would look. Suddenly, exploding, pieces of it splattering on the walls of his office, covered in fake diplomas, and stupid books about how to succeed in the work place. Derek knew that if he believed in himself, he could make Mr. Ossman's head explode. But the never did. And he would just leave the office, feeling ashamed.

"Shit."

After the day was done, Derek would bid adieu to Terrence, and to Sarah, once again not attempting to ask her out. He would walk outside, and on this particular Wednesday, it was pouring with heavy rain.

You guessed it.

"Shit."

Derek would make sure that no one was looking, as he sneaked into a nearby alleyway, and made his usual dimensional portal in the ground. He hopped in, transcending down to the Nether regions of the Underworld. He went back to his Gothic castle, walked up to his bedroom, and sat on his bed, his head in his hands, thinking. Just thinking. For the entire night. Every night. Thinking.

"Shit. I hate being the Devil."

Wow, good job! You obviously have a sense of humour. I liked the interesting twist at the end. Funny story! Now allow me to dismember it. You need to pick a verb tense for your story, and stick with it. Next, "Derek took out a bowl of cereal" should have a semi-colon after it instead of a comma. I think the comma after "work attire" is unnecessary. Some of your sentences could be longer and/or more interesting: "Derek got to his office building" could become " Derek arrived at his depressing office building". When your characters speak, you should put quotations around their dialogue. I know I missed some other things, but I'd just like to say that you have an impressive vocabulary; you just need to take full advantage of it. Other than that, this is an awesome humour/fantasy story with a great twist! Keep up the good work!

This was quite funny, and strangely vivid. I find that words often believe they can do the job all by themselves when really, if confronted, they will admit that no number of them can make a good story alone. Your writing was bare, but somehow still grabbing. The story was a cliche, but perfectly original. And the words were ordinary, but managed to say what everyone else says in a different way.

Honestly, I don't know if there is any criticism for this. What might be considered a 'mistake' is really what makes the story what it is.

The only sort of typo I found was here: "Bu the never did." Just a misplaced letter. And then there's a few extra commas but with I'm sure you can be rid of those with a simple proof-read.

Very good. I much liked it.

Oh, and you're supposed to review before you post. So go review some of my stuff and I won't drown you in your ignorance of the rules. ^_^

This was awesome! Funny and awesome at the same time! *thumbs up* There isn't much else I can saw but that. I didn't find any grammer errors that Isilvernail didn't alreay.

Hahah... My favorite part was definately the last when he said he hated being the devil. Really didn't see that coming. Also, I like the way it was wrote, simple. It's not that sort of simple that like one of those baby books simple. It's sofisticated simple!

It was the sort of twist at the end that made it great. Take this smiley for example:



It looks like a normal smiley but then it suddenly transforms into a robot! Um yeah... I'm not a very good reviewer... ^_^

-kittykat

Lol. Nice. :p

The only thing that distracted me was the usage of verb tenses. I take it that you used the past tense at the beginning then rushed into a future transition, managing to confuse me there a little, re-reading the paragraph again. -_-

Other than that, this was pretty clever. Kudos!

<3 JACE

Hey Kaye!


Just a quick note, I edited your thread title so that it wasn't in all capital letters. Having a thread in all caps is annoying and doesn't do much for your thread, either, even if you think it will get you attention. ^_~ If there was an artistic reason behind the capitalization that I do not know of, then by all means, change it back, but please inform me first so I won't be tempted to rechange it. If you have any questions about this feel free to PM me!

That was awesome! After reviewing two of your works, I'm starting to see a pattern: a simple, honest storyline, that keeps your attention even though you think you should be bored (you're not) and then at the end, bam!, a suprise ending that makes so much sense you wonder why you didn't think of it before. Another thing I noticed is that you used curse words nonchalantly, but when reading you don't immediately think "Cuss word, cuss word, oh boy you're in biiiig trouble Mister! Where's my police baton, oh we got a cuss word here!" (Sorry for that, it just came to me.) I like your style of writing!

Many times, the Boss, Mr. Barry Ossman, yes, that is his real name, would call Derek into his office, to berate him constantly about his supposed slacking off throughout the day.

My only complaint here (okay, complaint 1 of 2) is that some of your sentences seemed choppy. This goes for more than just this example sentence.

Terrence worked on the opposite side of Derek's cubicle, so, it would be rude not to acknowledge him, so, they developed a sort of "friendship."

Overuse of the word so, and too many commas. You only need a comma before the so in this case. The second so seems like an after-thought. You might try developing this second thought into another sentence.

Keep up the good work!

lol dude this gets extremely monotonous. lol but i like how u put in tht surprise ending, and it reminds me of office space ^^