All good things end

this is a random chapter of a novel I just finished. I've posted to make sure I haven't gone completely wrong
enjoy


The sky crackled above the hills, voicing its anger for all to hear. Blood red clouds ran from its gaping wound over the valley cloaking it in a mysterious darkness. Jacob and Zenadi stood silently together, their hands shaking. Their wands directed towards the bridge in time that was devouring a spiral of loose soil and sand. It got worse. Soon the hole began swallowing larger things:Small animals, branches, rocks and eventually all the innocent people.

Jacob glanced over his shoulder. He could see the tips of the academy's four towers over the scenery. He gave a shuddering sigh, longing to be there, then turned to stare at Zenadi’s profile. She met his gaze miserably. Tears threatened to spill from her glazed eyes.
“Are you ok?” Jacob asked quietly.
Zenadi gave a feeble nod and wiped her eyes with her cape.

Ferocious Lightning struck the opposite hill. In one synchronized sweep, Jacob and Zenadi both reinforced the shield protecting themselves and the academy. The ground shook. Zenadi stumbled but stabled herself at the last second. Their wands failed. Jacob trod carefully to the peak of the hill and lay flat on his stomach. A fire danced at the mouth of a cave halfway down the opposite hill. He wasn’t surprised to see who was standing by the fire. That was the main reason he and Zenadi were up here.

Octa and Novan stood on the lip of the cave
"So, it's a nice night, well no it's not but the lightning...I" Novan stuttered.
Octa surveyed the sky, ignoring Novan’s nervous wittering. Novan gave up and occupied himself by adding more logs to the fire. It crackled heartily and tried to grasp at the man’s robes as he turned back to Octa.

She was twisting her dull, white wand through her fingers.
“What are you looking at?” Novan asked in a shaky voice, “Is something wrong?”
“Oh be quiet!" Octa snapped angrily,"what’s wrong with you today? Look, can’t you see what’s happening. The break is getting worse.”

Jacob could hear her from where he lay. He stared up to the same point as Octa. His grey eyes reflected the red clouds. Fractures, like cracks in plaster on the ceiling, began to split around the time break. Just like Jacob had predicted, larger objects had started to be drawn towards it. A massive fork of white lightning spat out and hit the rock not far below Jacob. He gasped and swore.

“What’s wrong?” Zenadi yelped.
She scrabbled up the damp grass and leant over the edge. Jacob didn’t answer. Octa and Novan were arguing by the fire. Jacob couldn’t tell what they were saying. Zenadi hovered above him with her wand stretched out and directed past the blazing fire.
“Don’t do anything,” Jacob warned.

Thunder growled. Another lightning bolt struck the earth dangerously close to Zenadi. She let out a scream and the wand fell from her grip. She fell to her knees. Before Jacob had a chance to get off his elbows and cover her mouth, Zenadi screamed again.
“My wand!”

Octa and Novan broke away from their argument and glared up. They had seen Zenadi. She and Jacob were in big trouble now. Octa met Jacob’s gaze harshly. Novan had his own wand pointed at Zenadi.
“I’m so sorry,” Zenadi whispered tearfully to Jacob.

~Fairy

Not bad, Fairy. Just one thing I'd like to point out.

[quote] He stared up at the same part as Octa's.[quote]

That's a little jarring. Something like, "His eyes went to the same point as Octa's" might work better.

A lot of tense and poor word choice, some sentences seem to be changed as they were written.

Examples:

"Octa and Novan were stood side by side the latter of which was trying to engage in a conversation. "

"She let out an uncharacteristic scream. "

The structure and length of sentences makes for an artificial mood that is not one that really does anything for the piece. Combined with unusual verbs and play by play sentences, it really makes this for a hard read. The sentences just don't flow and compliments the characters or the action in any way, its almost like that of a screenplay in some parts.

"Thunder growled. Another lightning bolt, drawn to the power of the wand, made contact with the earth dangerously close to Zenadi. She let out an uncharacteristic scream. Her wand fell from her grip. She fell to her knees. Before Jacob had a chance to get off his elbows and cover her mouth, Zebadi screamed again."

I would consider editing this very heavily and giving better descriptions with transitions that allow the story to flow.

Hey, Blue Fairy! I had to stop my homework. It was giving me a headache, so I thought I'd give that crit I promised to do about...thirty minutes ago.

The sky crackled above the hills, voicing [s]it’s[/s] its anger for all to hear.

Blood red clouds ran from [s]it’s[/s] its gaping wound over the valley cloaking it in a mysterious darkness.

Watch your its and it's. It's equals it is, also known as a contraction. ...from it is gaping wound... doesn't make sense, so it must be the other.

Their wands directed powerfully towards the bridge [s]in time[/s] that was devouring a spiral of loose soil and sand.

I don't think this word really belongs here. Probably just delete it. If you want to add intensity to the scene, have the holders' hands shake or beads of sweat decorate the fine-crafted handle. *trying*

It [s]would get[/s] got worse. Soon the hole [s]would begin[/s] began swallowing larger things. [colon] Small animals, branches, rocks, and eventually all the innocent people.

Would doesn't seem to belong here. It's future tense, but you're telling the story as it happened, correct?

He could see the tips of the four towers belonging to the academy rising past the scenery.

Would He could see the tips of the academy's four towers over the scenery not work?

Tears threatened to spill from her glazy eyes.

I don't think that's a word. Glazed is, but not glazy. ^^

Zenadi gave a feeble nod and cleared her eyes on her cape.

I think wiped her eyes with would work better. At least change on to with.

Zenadi stumbled [s]and only[/s] but stabled herself at the last second.

Their wands failed. Jacob trod carefully to the peak of the hill and lay flat on his stomach.

I don't like that word. And carefully makes it sound he's going slow. I guess I don't know what's really going on yet, but wouldn't he go for shelter or something, so he'd dash or sprint somewhere? I dunno, guess I should read on.

Octa and Novan stood on the lip of the cave.

"So, it's a nice night, well no it's not,I,I yes." Novan stuttered.

This was really hard to read. "So, it's a nice night. Well, no, it's not...I-I-yes." Novan stuttered.

I don't understand the yes part at the end of this. I-I-yes. Seems a bit random to me, but I guess I don't know the characters very well, seeing as it's the last chapter?

Octa surveyed the sky, ignoring Novan’s nervous wittering.

I've never heard that word before, and my sources don't seem to agree with it either. Why not replace nervous wittering with anxiety or something else?

“What are you looking at?” Novan asked in a shaky voice, [period instead] “Is something wrong?”

“Oh be quiet, what’s wrong with you today? Look, can’t you see what’s happening. The break is getting worse.” Octa snapped angrily.

Punctuation's wrong all over the place. "Oh, be quiet. What's wrong with you today? Look, can't you see what's happening? The break is getting worse," Octa snapped angrily. I'd also put the tag earlier in the sentence, since I think she'd snap with a different sentence, not the break is getting worse. That's just me, though.

Fractures, like cracks in plaster on the ceiling, began to split around the time break.

“Don’t do anything,” Jacob warned.

She let out a scream. Her wand fell from her grip. She fell to her knees.

Blugh. She did this, she did that...Repetition of sentence structure. If we could combine these sentences into one or two, that would help a bunch.

Overall, this is really interesting. I think it has potential, though it's just a random chapter from your story, so I can't say for sure if it's original. I can't identify the plot either, nor could I comment on character development very well.

Though, I can point out grammar and punctuation. Sentence structure can use some work, but we can handle that. Punctuation plays a grandiose role in sentences structure. Hopefully what I pointed above will help you out in the future. If not, you can always ask for advice through chat or PM.

Keep writing! You're doing great!

Jabber, the One and Only!

Sorry, one tiny itsy bitsy thing 'Ferocious Lightning' no capital letter needed for 'lightning'

*lilmisswritergal* otherwise known as the rather bored and depressed Holly

I really liked this, you have real talent. I think your sentences are very well structured, it's jsut the occasional repetition of grammar issues. Jabber got all those. Nothing to worry about! This is brill, really great, the plot seems fun too. How many words is the novel? It looks great!

thank you.

you've helped loads.

If any has anything else I could improve on let me know

~Fairy

I've got to say, for a random chapter, Fairy, this is very good. I think you could start a proper story with this at the beginning as it doesn't give too much away, but at the same time, it would be like a twisted story, with the end at the beginning and the beginning at the end. If you don't get what I mean, try reading Dustbin Baby by Jacqueline Wilson, a seriously weird book with a different format.
That's my only comment, and good luck!

*lilmisswritergal*

So bland and no character development what so ever! Harsh I know but what it lacks in character development it has in cliches. I frankly have been given no reason to like any of them. They're all just genders with names. The girls personaility is typical in sexism making them afraid and nervous. The boys another cliche making them strong, arrogant.

Why wands?

The transition is flipping dodgy at the end, I had no clue what happened. You're also telling far too much, not showing anything. The best description was the sky. The character were unimpressive and if ya expect to make something of this you need to edit it vastly.

I'm sorry if this seems harsh, I'm only being honest and i want ya to improve from the start it had such potential but it was lost by the end with introduction of the characters. Work on character development and showing not telling.

Good luck
VSN

You've got a nice descriptive style. I can't really comment further since this is a random bit in the middle of the story. Try posting it from the beginning, maybe I'll be able to tell you more.