Grimnick Groggle Character Sketch

6 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 6371
Reviews 576
Comments and critiques welcome--however, I would prefer less comments about punctuation and spelling, more about the subjective things.

Thanks :)

----------------------------------------------

Grimnick Groggle, goblin ninja, was frustrated. Beyond that, he was outraged. He picked himself up out of the mud frantically wiping away the dirt and grime from his Shozoku, cursing under his breath. He carefully adjusted his belt, repositioning the plethora of pouches and trinkets that hung from it. He tugged on the hard leather gauntlets on his wrists, making sure the concealed shuriken were still in place. Reaching over his right shoulder, he touched his fingertips to the wire wrapped hilt of his ninjaken, the traditional blade of the ninja.

“Damned humans think they own the world,” he snarled, wiping the back of his hand across his mouth, snagging briefly on the tusks that jutted from his jaw. He reached into his tunic, feeling for the pouch that was concealed there. The soft clink of coin against coin assured him of its safety, and he straightened his jacket a moment before stepping back into the busy streets of Port Lindenton. The second the diminutive goblin stepped in between the two humans, he became the shadow of the portly, velvet-clad noble in front of him. He moved swiftly past the man, dodging in and out of the crowd as effortlessly as a feather floating through the air.

“Watch where you’re going, Redskin!” Almost.

“Shove off, Redling!”

“Up yours pal!” Nick shouted up at the men who had bumped into him. The larger of the two wrapped a massive hand around his forehead and shoved him backward, sending Nick stumbling into a side alley. The goblin caught himself by dropping a hand to the ground, discretely slipping the man’s money purse into his tunic before whirling around to face the humans, who had moved forward to block the mouth of the alley..

“Little bastard ran right into me, Karth,” the smaller human said, a wry grin working its way onto his face–he stood barely a head taller than Nick.

“Reckon he did, Garren,” the bigger man–more than twice the goblin’s height–rumbled slowly.

Nick smirked. “Best back off before I chop off yer stones n’ feed ‘em to yer husbands,” he said, drawing his ninjaken and holding it diagonally before him. The two humans paused a moment, then burst into uproarious laughter. Nick narrowed his eyes and crouched low, his calves tensing and his fingers tightening around the grip of his blade. “Fools! I’m a ninja!”

This only made the two laugh all the harder, and Nick felt his cheeks turn a brighter red as blood rushed to them. He let his lips curl down into a furious grimace as he narrowed his eyes. “I have a sword!”

The big man, Karth, chuckled once more and reached down to his hip, his sausage fingers wrapping around the hilt of a cleaver that was thicker than Nick’s arm and longer than he was tall. “Funny thing about that, Ninja-Boy...we do too.” As if on cue, Garren drew a small, curved sword and grinned.

It was then that Nick realized he had made a grave mistake. Ninja are shadows. Their victims do not know they are victims until they are lying on the ground in a pool of their own blood. We win our battles from the shadows, not on the streets. The words of Nick’s father echoed through his mind, and he loosened his grip on the blade a little. He came to the realization that this was not a fight he could win

“We’re gonna kill you and take your money, Redling,” Karth said. Nick dropped a hand to the largest pouch on his belt–a bluff, for it was filled with naught but pork jerky–and took a step back.

“If ye’re broke, I can give yeh money, you poor men,” the goblin said, his voice taking on a pitiful tone.

Garren giggled, an obnoxious sound even to Grimnick, who grew up around the maniacal, chittering laughter of goblin children. “Broke, he says. We ain’t broke, you dolt. We got plentya–uh–hey!” He looked down to his belt and the big human followed his gaze. “Little bastard stole my purse!”

The human’s cry of outrage fell on deaf ears, though, for the instant their eyes left him, Nick had melted into the shadows, expertly scaling the closest wall. “Stupid-stupid-stupid!” the goblin swore to himself, pulling himself up onto the roof. “Father would be ashamed! Dolt.”

He continued to grumble as he strode silently across the roof and lowered himself over the opposite edge. His fingers and toes unerringly found a grip in the most minuscule of cracks in the adobe, and soon he was back on the ground. He dropped soundlessly into another muddy alley, his only company a drunk, passed out in a pool of his own vomit. Nick dusted himself off and stepped back into the street a second time. He made a concerted effort to stay out of the big folks’ way, for they greatly outnumbered him and word of a ninjaken wielding goblin would spread quickly. As he looked around, though, standing on the tips of his toes to peer over the shoulders of the humans, leaning to see around the wide girths of wealthy merchants, he realized he no longer recognized any of the buildings around him. In getting lost in his own thoughts, he had lost himself in the maze of streets that was Lindenton.
Got YWS? I do.

Lumi: Don't you drag my donobby into this.
Lumi: He's the sweetest angel this side of hades.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1330
Reviews 900
Nick is adorable and I wish to take him home with me to whinge and steal forever. ^^

I think you've done well in a short post to show us Nick and who he is, we get a good sense of his personality, and his intense dislike of human beings here. You've sucessfully drawn the reader in and I'm looking for more. ^^

Your characterisation is obviously very well done, and I think you've written this well. The first paragraph has an amount of description you might want to look at thining out - it's just a little too much to read in sucession - but other then that it's done rather well.

Nice work. ^^ I look forward to more.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.
I like you as an enemy, but I love you as a friend.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 5577
Reviews 672
Hey Hunter,

“Damned humans think they own the world,” he snarled, wiping the back of his hand across his mouth, snagging briefly on the tusks that jutted from his jaw.


The dialogue here isn't very creative. Main reason for that is because it felt more like you were telling to us the feelings of your main character rather than actually showing it through a well thought out way.

The soft clink of coin against coin assured him of its safety, and he straightened his jacket a moment before stepping back into the busy streets of Port Lindenton.


Maybe you can be a bit more specific as to how the soft clink of coins assured his safety.

Overall impressions:

This is very well done and thought out. I like your writing style in this piece. It is simple and easy to read, yet rivets and makes the reader think about what they are reading.

Descriptions is also very good, though I have to agree with Pingu that you could compact the descriptions in the first paragraph where he was fiddling around with his inventory of weapons and gadgets.

It is obvious that you have thought about characterization quite deeply. Nick is a goblin who has some form of hatred towards humans (not so sure about the driving factor to this idea). This is probably one of the main reasons as to why he became a ninja. Not only is this quite realistic, but his class status as a ninja also has a solid connection with his beliefs (his hatred for humans).

Yet at the same time, he is rather hasty in his job, which was shown when he realizes that ninjas kill from within the shadows, not to fight head on. This is probably due to Nick being rather new to being a ninja, or in a more intricate nature, his naivety in his hatred towards the humans.

I really want to know as to what caused him to hate humans. From what is shown here, it seems as though his hatred towards humans is derived only recently (or it had grown to a point where murder is the resolution). This is shown through his inexperience as a ninja in this piece. Hopefully, you will write more to this so that I can find out more on this aspect of his character.

Another key thing that I'm thinking at the moment is whether or not he is fit to be a ninja. He seems rather hasty in his actions to the point where he would forget what he was taught. Would he had been better off being a front fighter than a ninja that strikes only from behind? Guess I have to find out about that too.

Overall, this is very good; well thought out character development that works together with the plot and other character traits like wheels in a giant clock. I hope that you will continue with this fantasy and I apologize if my critique isn't really that helpful.

Andy.
"To the edge of the universe and back. Endure and survive."




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 71
So when I first read 'goblin ninja' I was kinda thinking that you had managed to wrap two overused, cliche character types and mix it into one, however as the story progressed I liked the humor it presented. The line , ' Nick narrowed his eyes and crouched low, his calves tensing and his fingers tightening around the grip of his blade. “Fools! I’m a ninja!”' was brilliant, you could almost feel the desperation in his voice. From what I see, Nick desperately wants to be respected, and he has a bit of skill to back himself up, but he really needs to hone the skill. I liked it, and I liked Nick. I kinda want to know what happens to him...




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6400
Reviews 497
As you... um, commanded, sir. =P

He picked himself up out of the mud frantically wiping away the dirt and grime from his Shozoku, cursing under his breath

Feels to me like there should be a comma before "frantically."

*Random note* Plethora... I dig the word choice.

*Another random note* I'm not sure I'm totally in love with the plethora of adverbs. Ooh, pun. =P

“Funny thing about that, Ninja-Boy...we do too.”

Hmm... something about the subject-verb agreement bugs me. Nick was talking about one sword, but they're tlaking about more than one... I dunno, it just doesn't sit right with me. In other words, I don't really know what I'm rambling about. :D

He came to the realization that this was not a fight he could win

Missing a period yes? ;)

His fingers and toes unerringly found a grip in the most minuscule

Spelling error! Miniscule*

Hm. It'd be interesting to see where you're going with this -- this is just a character sketch, yes? Does this character have a story? I'm definitely intrigued to learn more about him and his life. I think a hotheaded and slightly rash goblin ninja is interesting, even if pirates > ninjas. =P

I also enjoy your writing style! It delivers a lot in a short and simplistic style. Characterisation, description, action, etc., it's all there, and you didn't have to say much to get it there. Well done. :D

Much love.
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate :pirate3:
"2-4-6-8! I like to delegate!" -Meshugenah
"Teague: Stomping on your dreams since 1992." -Sachiko
"So I'm looking at FLT and am reminded of a sandwich." -Jabber




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 685
I felt the opposite way that Kepe did about the whole "I'm a ninja" bit. It felt silly in an unnecessary way. You have some very nice descriptive details at the beginning that really don't lend themselves to seeing that kind of silliness so soon. What I would want to aww from this is more detail to allow us to really understand who they are. This is less than 1000 words, but I could easily see you expanding it by as much as 500 words.
Please, sit down before you fall down.
Belloq, "Raiders of the Lost Ark"



They who talk all day of beauty call all the plain things dirty
— John Darnielle