Challenge

The crisp chill of the air sent shivers down her spine as she stared at the pristine scene before her. Steely grey eyes roamed over every shimmering mound. No one had ever entered here. Few even dared to look upon the beauty of the place she was about to violate. Her heart pulsated rapidly within her chest, almost as if wanting to break free. Adrenaline rushed through her veins, warming her from the inside out.

Even with the frozen land before her, she could feel the familiarity of home calling to her. The brush of warm air whispering against her back was nearly enough to draw her away from this quest. It was enough to make her ache for what she knew she was leaving behind. She didn’t dare turn away from her destination, though. That would surely break what little confidence she had, as it had so many before her.

She breathed deeply, closing her eyes as the rush of ice shocked her lungs. A fresh breeze gently teased her hair. Fingers of frost brushed against her jaw and her cheeks, already raw from exposure, tingled with pleasure. A sudden longing engulfed her and she refused to hesitate further.

She took her first step into the unknown.

Her legs were soon encased in the loosely packed crystals and she found it nearly impossible to take a step. Determined, she ploughed on. The world she knew disappearing into the distance as each labored step carried her towards the unfamiliar.

The dazzling white was beginning to hurt her eyes and she could feel the heat seeping from her body despite the layers of clothes. Within the hour, numbness had crept into her hands and feet. Still something called her forward. So many lives depended on the results of this mission. She would not let them down.

What would happen to them if she failed? Unbidden tears froze to her eyelashes and a sob shuddered through her body as she thought of those who lay ill. She wondered if any would be alive when she returned or if her journey was in vain. The thought of her own son in that overwhelming pain before death’s grip would finally close around him brought forth a second sob and she forced herself to press on through the barren land.

Her eyes shifted up the now opaque sky. She knew night was falling and she had to seek shelter. The subzero temperatures were enough to kill even the most eurytopic creature. At least, that’s what she had been taught her entire life. To be caught on the crystal plains after nightfall was instant death.

Even now, the animals she’d heard scurrying about during the day had fallen silent. The stillness that settled around her was enough to make the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end. It was pure snow wherever her gaze drifted. There were signs of a cave or any type of shelter. Despair clutched her heart. Had she come so far only to fail; only to die along with them? She flexed her frozen fingers, pumping her blood back into them as she surveyed the land once more. The animals that lived here had to go somewhere. The temperature was dropping rapidly as she finally realized what she had over looked.

Getting onto her knees, the traveler began to dig. She burrowed deep into a mound of snow, kicking at the end of the rough tunnel until it caved in. The pressure of her pack against her back reminded her that she hadn’t eaten since that morning. That very moment it felt as if her stomach began eating itself. She wriggled her arms free of the straps that held the sack to her back and rolled within the tight confines so she was facing it. There was just enough room for her to reach her arm into the bag and search through the contents by feel until she found the dried meat that had been rationed to her. When he hunger was satisfied, she closed her eyes and waited for sleep to take her.

The rise in temperature could felt even in her burrow as the sun rose higher into the sky. She woke with a start, wondering how long she had slept and if it was too late for her people. Dragging the pack with her, she pushed herself backwards out of the tunnel. Her eyes shifted quickly to the sky, searching out the sun’s position.

Slightly past mid-day. Fear tightened its grip around her heart once again as she realized time was slipping away all too quickly.

Reakeda wrote:The crisp chill of the air sent shivers down her spine as she stared at the pristine scene before her. Steely grey eyes roamed over every shimmering mound. No one had ever entered here. Few even dared to look upon the beauty of the place she was about to violate. Her heart pulsated rapidly within her chest, almost as if wanting to break free. Adrenaline rushed through her veins, warming her from the inside out.

Add "had" inbetween "few even" - it had annoyed me earlier and now I have finally worked out why lol.

Even with the frozen land before her, she could feel the familiarity of home calling to her. The brush of warm air whispering against her back was nearly enough to draw her away from this quest. It was enough to make her ache for what she knew she was leaving behind. She didn’t dare turn away from her destination, though. That would surely break what little confidence she had, as it had so many before her.

Like the imagery here especially.

She breathed deeply, closing her eyes as the rush of ice shocked her lungs. A fresh breeze gently teased her hair. Fingers of frost brushed against her jaw and her cheeks, already raw from exposure, tingled with pleasure. A sudden longing engulfed her and she refused to hesitate further.

She took her first step into the unknown.

Her legs were soon encased in the loosely packed crystals and she found it nearly impossible to take a step. Determined, she ploughed on. The world she knew disappearing into the distance as each labored step carried her towards the unfamiliar.

The dazzling white was beginning to hurt her eyes and she could feel the heat seeping from her body despite the layers of clothes. Within the hour, numbness had crept into her hands and feet. Still something called her forward. So many lives depended on the results of this mission. She would not let them down.

What would happen to them if she failed? Unbidden tears froze to her eyelashes and a sob shuddered through her body as she thought of those who lay ill. She wondered if any would be alive when she returned or if her journey was in vain. The thought of her own son in that overwhelming pain before death’s grip would finally close around him brought forth a second sob and she forced herself to press on through the barren land.

Her eyes shifted up the now opaque sky. She knew night was falling and she had to seek shelter. The subzero temperatures were enough to kill even the most eurytopic creature. At least, that’s what she had been taught her entire life. To be caught on the crystal plains after nightfall was instant death.

eurotropic is a very cool word, but I'm not sure if it sounds like you're being purposefully smart... Although thinking about it, if you added, "from my studies" then it makes her sound like a researcher and the knowledge is explained.

Even now, the animals she’d heard scurrying about during the day had fallen silent. The stillness that settled around her was enough to make the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end. It was pure snow wherever her gaze drifted. There were no signs of a cave or any type of shelter. Despair clutched her heart. Had she come so far only to fail; only to die along with them? She flexed her frozen fingers, pumping her blood back into them as she surveyed the land once more. The animals that lived here had to go somewhere. The temperature was dropping rapidly as she finally realized what she had over looked.

Delete "even now" I dont think it's needed.

Getting onto her knees, the traveler began to dig. She burrowed deep into a mound of snow, kicking at the end of the rough tunnel until it caved in. The pressure of her pack against her back reminded her that she hadn’t eaten since that morning. That very moment it felt as if her stomach began eating itself.

"Had begun to eat itself" - I think might work better for that line.

She wriggled her arms free of the straps that held the sack to her back and rolled within the tight confines so she was facing it. There was just enough room for her to reach her arm into the bag and search through the contents by feel until she found the dried meat that had been rationed to her. When he hunger was satisfied, she closed her eyes and waited for sleep to take her.

The rise in temperature could felt even in her burrow as the sun rose higher into the sky. She woke with a start, wondering how long she had slept and if it was too late for her people. Dragging the pack with her, she pushed herself backwards out of the tunnel. Her eyes shifted quickly to the sky, searching out the sun’s position.

Slightly past mid-day. Fear tightened its grip around her heart once again as she realized time was slipping away all too quickly.

Well, you already know I like this, so I'll continue with the little bits that get to me, or I see a problem with, those things are in bold.

I really like this and can't wait until the rest appears. ^^

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

Nice. Is there more to come, or is this it?

I liked your descriptions, they were very visual and I could see everything clearly, apart from the girl. We really aren't told much about her that can help us put together a picture.

Also, I was a little confused as to her motive, or what she was even doing. Perphaps you should elborate on those things, but apart from that I loved it.

Hmmm... there were a couple of things that bothered me...

The crisp chill of the air sent shivers down her spine as she stared at the pristine scene before her. Steely grey eyes roamed over every shimmering mound. No one had ever entered here. Few even dared to look upon the beauty of the place she was about to violate. Her heart pulsated rapidly within her chest, almost as if wanting to break free. Adrenaline rushed through her veins, warming her from the inside out.

The first part of the sentence sounds great, but then you lose me. There seems to be almost no connection with your character.

The dazzling white was beginning to hurt her eyes and she could feel the heat seeping from her body despite the layers of clothes. Within the hour, numbness had crept into her hands and feet. Still something called her forward. So many lives depended on the results of this mission. She would not let them down.

What would happen to them if she failed? Unbidden tears froze to her eyelashes and a sob shuddered through her body as she thought of those who lay ill. She wondered if any would be alive when she returned or if her journey was in vain. The thought of her own son in that overwhelming pain before death’s grip would finally close around him brought forth a second sob and she forced herself to press on through the barren land

There's too much of the frozen theme here. I mean, tears don't freeze instantly, and if she's going some place this cold, she would probably be as prepared as possible.

Her eyes shifted up the now opaque sky. She knew night was falling and she had to seek shelter. The subzero temperatures were enough to kill even the most eurytopic creature. At least, that’s what she had been taught her entire life. To be caught on the crystal plains after nightfall was instant death

Whoa, wait a second. What exactly do you mean when you say 'subzero'? I mean, in the winter, I live in -10 to -30, and sometimes -40 to -60, and some of the villages get to -80, though those are increasingly rare. To me, this kind of weather is normal. I know she's on a mission from a different place, but we need something specific. "How can anyone live up here" etc. Also, no one would die in subzero temperatures unless
1 they are exposed to the elements,
2 they are undernourished/unprepared.
In this case, it would be the wind chill that would kill her. A snow cave would keep her alive.

Even now, the animals she’d heard scurrying about during the day had fallen silent.

Animals that live up here are well adapted to the extreme weather. I mean, look at Polar bears. They produce so much heat they are doing things to get rid of it. What would be more like your 'instant death' would actually be spring or fall, because people think it's still warm... hypothermia... swimming in the winter etc. etc.

Even now, the animals she’d heard scurrying about during the day had fallen silent. The stillness that settled around her was enough to make the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end. It was pure snow wherever her gaze drifted. There were signs of a cave or any type of shelter. Despair clutched her heart. Had she come so far only to fail; only to die along with them? She flexed her frozen fingers, pumping her blood back into them as she surveyed the land once more. The animals that lived here had to go somewhere. The temperature was dropping rapidly as she finally realized what she had over looked

Again, she sounds very underprepared. I mean, is she wearing mittens or anything?

Getting onto her knees, the traveler began to dig. She burrowed deep into a mound of snow, kicking at the end of the rough tunnel until it caved in. The pressure of her pack against her back reminded her that she hadn’t eaten since that morning. That very moment it felt as if her stomach began eating itself. She wriggled her arms free of the straps that held the sack to her back and rolled within the tight confines so she was facing it. There was just enough room for her to reach her arm into the bag and search through the contents by feel until she found the dried meat that had been rationed to her. When he hunger was satisfied, she closed her eyes and waited for sleep to take her.

In this case^^^^^ she would probably pass out and then die. Even if it's really sunny, she still need to keep her energy up. This also seems highly unlikely that she would forget to eat. I mean, I've never heard of anyone skippind dinner unless they were sick or playing video games.

Slightly past mid-day. Fear tightened its grip around her heart once again as she realized time was slipping away all too quickly.

This I can understand a little. The further north she's going, the darker it will get, and it might confuse her.

Overall, I have to say, I really couldn't feel for her. I mean, there is no way to connect with her. She's basically complaining about the cold all the time. I'm sitting her thinking "suck it up, keep moving and you won't die." Please make her a more personal character. We need to know a little background. Is she from a place like South America coming to Alaska.... that sort of thing.
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me :D:D:D

Hey Reakeda. I would like to say that this was quite well written and the flow of it overall was quite smooth. In some places, it was rather hard to digest.

Descriptions were inconsistant with what was happening here. You tried to jump at different notes at different times throughout the piece. This makes it harder for the reader to picture what is happening than it is supposed to. My advice here is to keep descriptions constant and use what is necessary. Do not describe things that has little relevance with what is happening.

Character was somewhat defined but I felt you could had worked in the descriptions more to portray more deeply with the character. Now there was this one bit that caught my eye:

What would happen to them if she failed? Unbidden tears froze to her eyelashes and a sob shuddered through her body as she thought of those who lay ill. She wondered if any would be alive when she returned or if her journey was in vain. The thought of her own son in that overwhelming pain before death’s grip would finally close around him brought forth a second sob and she forced herself to press on through the barren land.

This was quite eye catching, but the development to this was rather weak. This goes back to the consistancy issue of the piece. Keeping things consistant will make that paragraph above much stronger.

One last thing: Telling. I think you need things to be explained more. The entire piece was heavy on showing and so there isn't much depth to the piece since we are not shown the relevance nor the reasons as to why things are as so. Work in some explaination into this piece. Do not follow the "show don't tell" rule so strictly but allow yourself some degree of freedom.

Ok I hope my critiqued helped Reakeda

There were a few typos in the piece, but that's nothing new. I'd lsten to SeraphTree; he seems to know a lot about cold temperatures

I'd like to know what her task might be, and am looking forward to the next installment.

Hello! I enjoyed reading this a lot. But, I have to agree that I could't really feel for your character. At the end of this I was just like: Ok, why should I care? All I know is that time is running out for her. Why? You need to tell us what's happening to this character so we can really care. You have to tell us this in the first couple of chapters so we know who we're dealing with.

Is she running away? What is she doing? You don't have to tell us: she was running away. But you can discreetly tell us what she's doing through her actions. Does that make sense?

Anyway, there were some good points to this. Your pacing is very good and your descriptions were good. You didn't over describe, which is good.

Keep writing,
~N~

I thought this was interesting. It made me wonder why she was walking around, who were her people. ( if you put it in there, then I may have still missed it.) Why is the land forbidden? Is it enemy land? Or are you going to explain this later, though, again, I might have just missed it. Where it said '... unbidden tears froze to her eyelashes...' as someone said before, tears don't freeze instantly. Well, they could, but it would be pretty cold ( negative fifty I think... correct me if I'm wrong.) and by that degree I think her teeth would have had some damage ( at least I think that's from the video I watched a year ago.) If she had forgotten to eat then I think she might have been dead from all the layers, this sounds odd but if she sweated and its that cold outside then You'd get hypo thermia. If you lessen on the fact that its cold (I mean that you say its not that cold) then maybe it will fit better, logically that is. Unless, their in the far future, or a fantasy land where people are adapted to such coldness ( I'm not sure that's a word). Great story though, I hope I wasn't to mean or logicall. It's your story ( or book) or whatever, so it should be how you like.