God's Angel

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For a long time I didn’t think much of my life. Every day was the same, and at that point that’s all there was. Adding insult to injury is simply his way of doing things. Never knew what it meant to be truly loved till her.

The day began with a weary shadow. Clouds blanketed the morning sky. The wind gave a howl like a banshee in the night waking me before it was needed. The old clock above my pedestal read five when I was to awake around six. Sighing, I rested my head upon my pillow to doze for my remaining hour.

As hard as I tried I just couldn’t fall back asleep. At first I thought it was the wind wailing at my window pane. That proved wrong. An odor began to raise in the room. It was subtle at first, but quickly grew much stronger. It wasn’t revolting, only strange. I had never smelled it before. My next guess was perfume and to that I stand.

The odor grew so strong that I felt like I was going to suffocate to death! I threw open the window hoping for a breath of air, but the smell didn’t recede. Instead it grew fouler until I could no longer breath. I ran out the door and down the stairs nearly tripping over my own two feet! When I reached the front door I burst through it grasping for breath!

Slowly I regained my composure. With the wind in me again I fell to the earth enjoying every inhale I took. The morning dew had turned to frost, the breeze chilling me to the bone. Even so I don’t believe I felt the cold at that moment. It’s strange I know, but some how my heart felt warm.

Perplexed by the feeling I gently made my way to a sitting position. Never before had I felt that way. At the time I didn’t like it. My chest felt heavy and tears began to weld up in my eyes.

I slowly whipped them away. Never knowing warmth I felt intoxicated. Ready to pour out my emotions on a moment's notice. There was always a space for me to push all my sorrow away. I could feel the cold howl of the wind against my bare back now. Shivering I got to my feet.

As I motioned for the door I stopped. The howl had become a moan. It sounded so real my heart skipped a beat. Screeching! Yelling at me! Calling my name! I covered my ears in an attempt to drown it out, but to no avail. Every second it grew louder till I could no longer hear myself think!

Then, I saw something. A ghostly figure. Pale as the eye could see, frail to the bone. Her dress flew with the wind as did her golden hair. Her eyes, they were closed, like she was sleeping. Suddenly, they opened! The wind picked up! The shutters upon the window crashed, the wind chimes fell from their perch, and the leaves upon the ground began to swirl around her!

“Warren!” she called. “Warren!”

The figure flew right at me. I was struck with fear! I closed my eyes to brace what was coming! But nothing happened. Slowly I peeked out with one eye. Nothing, emptiness, a vacuum. She was gone though I had just seen her as bright as day. Then it hit me, the cold, terrible cold. It wasn't from the chilling breeze. It seemed to be coming from my very soul.

Burning, yet chilling to the bone at the same time! Pain rushed through my body! It felt like I was being torn apart from the inside! My soul was being ripped from my very being! I clung to myself thinking to relieve the pain! I fell to the ground! Rolling back and forth I screamed out in agony! Everything began to spin and I nearly fell unconscious.

I awoke almost immediately after. At first I couldn’t remember what had just happened. It took a minute for it all to sink in. The pain, screaming, emptiness. I help myself as small comfort. I then started to cry.

At that exact moment something hit me, hard. I looked up to see my dad hovering over me. He was large in more ways than one. He was the heaviest person I had every known, but he was tall too.

“What are you doing on the ground you good for nothing brat?” The smell of alcohol was already potent on his breath. “Go, get dressed!” He shoved me inside slamming the door behind me.

Before heading upstairs I looked back. I had a cold sweat and was breathing irregularly. I was pondering weather or not the events that had just transpired were real or not. I decided it was all in my head and went upstairs. As I turned on the shower I noticed I was covering in small scratches. With a groan I stepped into the steaming water, the past events in the back of my head.

I left the house immediately after finishing breakfast. I had no desire to be near that abusive man. With my bag on my back and my coat zipped up to the top I started down the winding dirt road. Slowly it inclined until I was walking up Riken Hill.

Riken Hill rose not far from my house. It had become my home away from home. It was a place I could go when ever my father came home drunk, was beaten, or simply needed a place to sit and think. Atop it stood a large oak tree, an unmarked grave below.

When I had reached the top the oak was barren. The leaves had left with the summers passing. I stood over the grave, hands in my pockets. The wind brought a whisper to my ear and I turned. Nothing. Once again the grave became my only focus. It seemed like I had stood there for hours.

Finally I moved from my trance and placed my bag upon the ground. I unzipped the top and took out a noose. Fiddling it in my hands I spoke at the grave, “All he ever does is hit me, the drunken fool. He threw his life away with ours. Now I’m going insane.” Slowly I made my way up the tree until a sat above the grave. “Soon mom, soon.” I tied the rope around the tree branch and fitted the loop around my neck. After a deep breath I jumped, but I landed on the ground.

Grabbing the rope I realized it had been cut. The wind picked up again and I turned my gaze forward. The ghostly woman was there again, only this time she wasn’t so frightening. Her pale skin had become a tan color, what was once bone was now flesh.

She smiled at me with warmth I had never felt before, “Don’t give up hope my son. Life is for you. That’s why I gave my life for yours. Take your sorrow and teach others of your pain. Make yourself a place in this world as I have prayed for years.” With that she disappeared for the last time. She claimed to be my mother, and for some reason I believed her. For the first time I smiled with all the love in my heart.

From that day forward I did as she asked. I integrated myself with society becoming a counselor for the physically abused. I devoted my life to helping those who went through the same experiences as me.

My father was put away and I was raised by my uncle who taught me who my mother really was. She turned out to be a nurse at the local hospital when she met my father who was in rehab. When she died in labor he took up his habit again and took his sorrow out on me. I didn’t blame him nor myself. Life, I learned, works in mysterious ways. Faith can sometimes be the only push we need, At last I understood, and I owed my life all to God’s Angle.
Last edited by piepiemann22 on Sun Nov 18, 2007 1:02 am, edited 2 times in total.
I will always fight back, no matter what.




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If I were you I'd cut back on the exclamation marks.
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Wow Tony, that's deep. I never would have expected something like this from you, but you pulled through and made it good and enjoyable to read. But Kyte is right, you really need tp cut back on the exclamation marks. Also, was there an outside influence that inspired you to write something like this? Great job, Tony!
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this is awesome, i loved it. i found only a few grammar errrors. other then that perfect.

The wind picked up! The shutters upon the window crashed, the wind chimes fell from their perch, and th leaves upon the ground began to swirl around her!

add the E to the, and th leaves

The figure flew right at me1
change the me1, to me.

[quote] He pale skin had become a tan color, what was once bone was now flesh.
change He pale to Her pale.

also in you title, shouldnt it be Angel.

this was great.

kim




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God's Angle = God's Angel

Common spelling error. I do it alot. Ok, let's get to some critquing!

The odor grew so strong that I felt like I was going to suffocate to death! I threw open the window hoping for a breath of air, but the smell didn’t recede! Instead it grew fowler until I could no longer breath! I ran out the door and down the stairs nearly tripping over my own two feet! When I reached the front door I burst through it grasping for breath!


No! I can't believe it! Too many exclamation marks!!!!!

It get's really annoying.

Slowly I regained my composer


Composer = composure

The morning dew had turned to frost, the breeze chilling me to the bone. Even so I don’t believe I felt the cold at that moment.


Uh...Chilling me to the bone and then you don't feel cold? Eek! That's strange.

moments notice.


moment's


As I motioned for the door I stopped. The howl had become a moan! It sounded so real my heart skipped a beat! Screeching! Yelling at me! Calling my name! I covered my ears in an attempt to drown it out, but to no avail! Every second it grew louder till I could no longer hear myself think!


Bring back any memories, namely the ones I said up there ^^^^

The next paragraph has that too. Be sure to not do that. It gives the reader a headache.


Not from without


I know what you are trying to say here, but without ain't the right word. Without = lacking of. Try another word.


She clamed to be my



Clamed = claimed

Oh wow...that was a VERY good piece of writing. Was it a personal experience? Well, I loved it. Other than those errors, this is really good. Great job!


BBB
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Would love help on this.




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I'm glad you guys like it. I'll work on it right away. Any more advice?
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Hi there Pie. First of all, I like to say that I didn't like this piece because of one reason: It isn't creative.

To me, you basically took a common idea and reworded it. As a result, the entire piece feels weak and it didn't give me much impact. For example:

Grabbing the rope I realized it had been cut. The wind picked up again and I turned my gaze forward. The ghostly woman was there again, only this time she wasn’t so frightening. Her pale skin had become a tan color, what was once bone was now flesh.

She smiled at me with warmth I had never felt before, “Don’t give up hope my son. Life is for you. That’s why I gave my life for yours. Take your sorrow and teach others of your pain. Make yourself a place in this world as I have prayed for years.” With that she disappeared for the last time. She claimed to be my mother, and for some reason I believed her. For the first time I smiled with all the love in my heart.


This is not original. In literature, it is very common for an angel (mostly in the form of a person that the character is related to) to appear and show the errors of that character's ways. The above wasn't even convincing. I mean you have her telling the main character to not give up hope and some other garbage about making himself a place in the world. God, that's cliche. I have watched many soap operas and television programmes and even some films and movies where a person is about to commit suicide and someone tries to stop it by saying "Don't give up hope." I suggest you should dwell deeper into the theme. Make it convincing. Add your own ideas and thoughts into that theme. Make it your own. Don't reuse the same ideas that had been around for a long time.

This piece was also not creative because you relied on a literacy device called "deus ex machina" which means "God out of a machine." This device is used to reveal more on the plot of a story or to resolve a conflict by using an event which is impossible or highly unlikely to occur. This is often weak because it doesn't flow from the story and hence, it feels artifical. It looks like you haven't put much thought into the piece and the conflicts in the story resolved the easy way through deus ex machina. For example, again, the angel appearing when the character was about to die. How likely is it that an angel is going to save you from death? Near impossible eh? Man when I'm near dying, I hope an angel saves me.

Another example was the ghosts appearing. I really don't see the relevance of them. They just seem to appear to info dump to the character or to insult to him to drive the plot forward. Again, what are the chances of ghosts appearing to do the above actions to a person? Not likely.

Now I know this is fantasy, but even fantasy should be realistic to a degree. The events that occured in this piece are not well linked and some are just deus ex machina to drive the plot or to suddenly resolve conflicts.

Descriptions were also pretty standard. It does create a mood, but it was not done in a creative way that makes me go "Wow! That's clever." Some descriptions felt irrelevant (E.g: The scratches on his back.)

In conclusion, I did not like this piece. It was uninspired and lacked any creativity and realism to be taken seriously.

Andy
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Thanks for reading it all the same. In short, it was a school project and I had to squeeze it into about three pages making me change my story completely. If I have more time I'll redo it. You may like the real version.
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If I could write a billion words to describe this short story, I'd say it was beautiful, deep, brilliant, heartwarming...I mean wow, there is so many words I can use to describe this. But I must say that I really liked all the imagery. This was great except for a couple of errors, if you were to make this into a book, this would be fabulous. Keep up the good work!!
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A great story, very deep. Just cut back on the !!!!!! and check the spelling/grammar and it'll be even better.
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