Bathilda

Bathilda's heart beat a little too fast as she rode up the driveway to the High Academy of Sulusia, the most prestigious school in Amandil.

Maybe make it more obvious what exactly she's riding because just reading this it's hard to tell if it's a horse or a car or something else entirely...

She couldn't decide if she was nervous or just excited.

I thought she was just excited...but you know you say she's nervous too...

Then you say Nikara...I thought her name was Bathilda? Is it the same person just different names she goes by? Maybe it's just me but that needs to be clarified...or was her name Nikara but then you decided Bathilda was better but never found that one Nikara?

The girl, Bathilda thought, was called Sevine, and her family were not terribly important. She didn't matter. There were other, more influential people that Nikara had to charm.

Again you use Nikara...is there a reason for it that will become clearer, or is it another mistake or...again, clarify. Also, how does she know Sevine's name? I didn't think she'd know anybody for some reason...

Okay, so I don't have time...or brain power...to read all of this, but from what I've read it seems a good start, just some things like the Nikara/Bathilda thing that needs clarifying. Also, maybe separate this into separate parts to be kind to your readers with attention spans as short as mine as is right now...

All in all though, I enjoyed reading what I did read of it and I'll be sure to read the last and any more you have of it later!

Bathilda's heart beat a little too fast as she rode up the driveway to the High Academy of Sulusia, the most prestigious school in Amandil.

Hearts either beat slow, a normal pace, or fast.. there is no "a little too fast" If you're putting this to show that she's nervous or excited, you can simply say that it beat fast... always simplify what you are saying and cut down on the amount of words you use to say it.

Also, what is she riding in? Don't forget these small but important details.

The white paving stones cut smoothly through the thick forest that covered the grounds of the Academy, and extended past its walls across the whole of the country.

Wait- what? I understand what you are trying to say here.. that there was a white, paved driveway made out of stones.. but what you're telling me here is that stones were cutting through things. Watch how you describe things like this and make sure that it makes sense.

Nikara was glad of the leafy shade, as the sun was hot in the cloudless sky and the old trees were almost a familiar presence in the midst of all the new excitement.

Start a new sentence here... these two ideas have nothing to do with one another, and should therefore, not be grouped together. Also, where are the trees? You mention trees in this sentence, but you didn't give us any indication where they are.

She wanted the smiles they would give her when she was a great success, and a great mage, and popular.

Should be: "She wanted the smiles they would give her when she finally became a great success, a fine mage, and popular."

There were too many "and"s and the "when she was" was too vague for this sentence.. it made it seem like she'd already become all of these things.

'Is it much farther?' she twisted inelegantly in the saddle to ask her mother.

Watch your dialogue. Dialogue should always be in quotation marks ("Dialogue.").

She took one look at the train of servants behind her, and then straightened up, smiling, her confidence boosted.

First, consider dropping the "and" between the comma and then, it isn't necissary... and before you say it.. Word lies. the comma is put in place here in substitution for the missing and. Also, consider cutting this into two sentences "smiling. Her confidence was boosted." Try to keep sentences down to one or two parts if you can possibly do it.. only use three if you absolutely can not get away with cutting it in half.. which is very rarely the case.

Thirty servants.

This is a thought, and should be put in italics to denote that it is a thought.

Her father had been sure no one else would bring that many.

Passive sentence. Watch out for sentences that have "had been" in them, these are almost always passive and can be rewritten in a more active manner. Consider: "Her father was sure no one else would bring as many." Always cut out "that" if you can... it's a filler word that hardly ever needs to be used at all... most experts believe it can be cut out entirely from the english language, and while I don't think this is entirely true, I do believe it can be cut out at least 98% of the time.

The rest of her class would adore her, she was quite sure.

Strange sentence structure here. Consider : "She was sure the rest of her class would adore her." Quite is another one of those words you should entirely cut out.. (and i mean 100%) if you can't say what you mean without it, you simply aren't using the right words. The same goes for "very" and "really".

It was just a shame, she thought, fixing her smile, that only two of the servants were actually theirs.

The same rule above applies to "just"... you can usually cut it out entirely and still get your point across. "It was a shame," also.. Try to avoid using "thought" or "realized" when writing.. this is called telling. instead of telling us that your chater thought something, show us. Put a thought sentence in italics.

Its a shame only two of the servents are ours.

And that her parents hadn't bought the dresses. And that everyone else at the Academy was there because their parents had paid the fees. Not because they'd begged the money off an aunt who'd left the Mages' Assembly in disgrace.

NEVER EVER EVER EVER start a sentence with one of these words: And, But, Or, Nor, Yet, So, Because. These are connecting words. Also, never use "they'd" or any other apostraphied word in the narrative. Write out the entire phrase "they had"....these types of words should only be used in the dialogue IF it is appropriate to the character.

The front of the Academy appeared through the trees then, all cream stone and gilt-covered mouldings. For a few moments, Bathilda's eyes dwelled on that, before her eyes were drawn down to where the other new students and their parents were gathered on the expanse of paving in front of the building.

You're telling instead of showing again... instead of telling us what this place looks like, SHOW US.

The Academy rose up before them, the cream stone radiated warmth, and the gilded moldings glinted in the sunlight.

This is just an example, but you get the idea... instead of just telling us of the basic colors and materials of this place.. help us to imagine what they look like there in the sunlight on that day.

A good trick is to think of it this way: Your story is a movie playing in your head... instead of telling us what is happening "and so and so does this, and this is what she sees.. blah blah".. try to make us SEE what you see.. so that little movie of yours will pop into our heads too. A good author doesn't just tell a story, they make their readers live it.

That was good.

is this a thought? if so, italisize it.

The girl, Bathilda thought, was called Sevine, and her family were not terribly important. She didn't matter. There were other, more influential people that Nikara had to charm.

the second sentence here only reiterates the first, i'd suggest dropping "She didn't matter." also, watch out for those "didn't"s.. should be "did not".

'Ennurwen, Gildart!' a voice called out across the driveway.

Is this still the driveway, or is this a sort of courtyard now? I'd assume that because this is a large enough area for students and their parents to gather in, it's probably more of a courtyard.. driveway makes us think of.. well.. a driveway in front of someone's house.. which isnt really appropriate for this story.

Bathilda glanced up for a moment to see a fancily-dressed man greeting her parents. She concluded that he was the headmaster, and turned away. For now she had to concentrate on the students and secure her position with her peers.

okay, first, why only glance up for a moment? you'd do yourself a service by cutting out the extra words and just making it "Bathilda glanced up to see" blah blah blah... second, everything after that first sentence could EASILY put into thought form, consider it.

Ennurwen continued to talk and no one paid any attention to the man who was gritting his teeth against the pain.

Another one of those phrases and words to avoid: "who was"..consider a rephrasing: "Ennurwen continued to talk. No one paid any attention to the man who gritted his teeth with pain." short and simple, two sentences.
Though replace "the man" with the servant or whatever else we have him introduced as... i didn't think to copy what she called him before i cut it out for this quote... "the man" is too vague.

Bathilda turned away and drew herself up. She bestowed a smile upon the other children who had been admiring the Sevine.

Another passive sentence (had been), and also.. "the Sevine" you make her sound like an object.. cut out the "the".

She carefully noted which smiled back and which didn't.

who, not which, in both instances. also.. "did not".

His cloak was of black velvet and only trimmed with one row of lace. His hair looked as though it struggled to escape a spell to keep it flat.

Nice description, but again.. go for "show" not "tell".. and watch out for your details.. a good rule of thumb is:

DONT: use details to tell us everything we can possibly know about a character.. we dont need to know how many muffins they had for breakfast or where the zipper on their pants is.

DO: use details to fill out your story and to help bring us into the atmosphere of your story.

Its great to tell us how he appears, do that.. give us a first impression of this guy.. but do we really need to know that he has lace on his cloak?.. probably not.

Coren beamed, delighted that Bathilda had deigned to remember his name.

Follow these instructions carefully. Pick up your thesaurus. Got it?... look around your room and find the tallest piece of furnature you have.. see it?.. grab a chair.. stand on it.. and put your thesaurus as high up as you can possibly reach.. somewhere it will be hard to get. okay.. now sit back down. Thesaurus' are useful tools.. they help us take out our repetative words and replace them with other options that are better for our story... However, do not abuse them and throw out fancy sounding words because you think it will make you look smart.. it does just the opposite. WE KNOW YOU ARE SMART... don't let your intelligence become a speedbump for your story... use your thesaurus sparingly, and only once you've started the revising process. "deigned" here sounds awkward because it's the first "big" word you've used in this story... it's out of place and sounds unnatural.. find another word to go here.. a nice simple, clear word... heck.. even cutting it out entirely will sound good: "Coren beamed, delighted that Bathilda had remembered his name."

It would ruin their reputation if anyone knew just how poorly they ate when nobody else was around to see, not to mention if it became known that they couldn't afford to fix up the house.

This is a very long sentence, try to break it up.. also.. "could not"

Most of it was held up by her father's mageic, then covered in a glamour of her mother's making.

This sentence sounds awkward, and vague... try to be more specific on what we're talking about, and a good rewording wouldnt hurt. also.. a mispelling of magic. "The house was held up by her father's magic, and hidden by a glamour her mother had created." as an example.

Emboldened by the fact that Coren had been accepted, a girl moved forward. She didn't bow her head, and Bathilda knew why. This was Itania, a relative of the Grand Mage, head of the Mages' Assembly. She was still apparently trying to ingratiate herself, however important her family was.

we've opened the thesaurus flood gate now.. we have emboldened and ingratate here in a very short amount of time. Consider finding a clearer way to state what you are trying to say. A lot of people will not know the meaning of "ingratiate". Keep in mind the audience you are creating this story for.. this is very much a YA story... so keep your word choices to something any 8-18 yr old will understand, or risk losing your audience.

'Itania,' Bathilda said graciously, smiling even wider when she saw the look on Sevine's face out of the corner of her eye.

Two sentences here... and since Bathilda doesn't go on further after stating Itania's name, end this in a period, not a comma:

"Itania." Bathild stated graciously. Out of the corner of her eye, she caught the look on Sevine's face, and her smile widened.

remember, show not tell.. and also.. watch your action sequences... it should always be cause, then effect.. action, then reaction.. .. Bathilda first sees the look on sevine's face, then smiles as a reaction to it, so it should be stated in that order.

She knew Sevine did not come from a family known for any particularly great mageical power.

are we really spelling "magical" this way for the entire story? interesting.. but be careful.. because it is so close to "magical" people may read it and automatically assume you simply can't spell... consider finding another way to write it.. maybe "mage-ical" (which isnt much better, but come up with some ideas of your own)

Bathilda was sure she recalled her father saying that Sevine's older sister had barely graduated from the Academy, which was disgraceful.

okay, first.. this is stated very weakly.. instead of "was sure she recalled" change it to just "recalled".. also, this is another one of those phrases to never use "which was" try to avoid using it and rephrase this sentence.

Sevine's face suddenly twisted into an ugly mask as she struggled to keep her emotions hidden.

Try to cut out "suddenly" it gives us this idea that she's transforming into this hideous quasi-modo like person.. which isn't the case.. try to be clearer about what emotion she's showing off here as well.

She was a little amazed that her routine had worked. Sevine's eyes flashed pure hatred, but she straightened herself up and flounced away to loiter around her parents.

you do not sound confident here, cut out the "a little". also, rephrase "Sevine's eyes flashed pure hatred" you can't have pure hatred.. it's either hatred, or it's not.. decide what it is, and state it.. pure is unnecessary. also consider changing "loiter" it sounds odd in this sentence.

'My father says the accidents I sometimes cause show that I have plenty of power,' Coren said eagerly. Nikara filed that in her mind. Coren: not rich, but could be powerful.

if i heard a boy say this, i would automatically think "poor kid.. he's a clutz and his parents try to make him feel better by saying maybe his clumsiness means he's powerful." not "oh wow he's powerful cause his dad says he might be ... because he has accidents" that is not a logical thought process..... if you want coren to be shown as powerful, find another way to hint at it.. this just makes us kind of pity him.. and then wonder what Bathilda is thinking. (and not in the good curious way... in the bad.. oh she must be dumb way)

Itania spoke next, in a sort of sighing voice full of longing.

you're telling us again instead of showing... don't tell us about her longing.. show us.. which you were, with the sigh.. but your sentence structure here is all over the place. "Itania spoke next with a sigh."

'Oh I wish I'd had even the slightest sign of my mageic. But not a thing! It's so terribly frustrating.'

a good author can write a dialogue full of emotion, without ever using a single exclamation mark. can you? Show us that you can. find a way to describe to us how she speaks this, or change how she says it so that we automatically put that exclamation mark there, without you having to.

'I shouldn't worry about that,' Bathilda told her. 'Nothing has happened to me either. My mother says it happens sometimes. The teachers will know how to bring it out.'

shouldn't or wouldn't? im confused here.

'My brother, who is now in the Assembly doing awfully well, had never done anything before he came here. He did excellently in his first lesson and is _far_ better than any of those in his class who had shown signs earlier,' said another girl, Laenaia.

again.. messy sentance structure here.

"My brother never did anything before he came here either, but now he's in the Assembly and doing really well. He did an excellent job his first lesson and is far better than anyone else in his class, even those who showed signs earlier." Laenaia said.

also, your net use is showing here.. never use underscores to emphasize a word .. use italics, or if you are quoting someone, use apostraphe's. (note that the "do not use 'really'" rule does not apply to dialogue.. always opt for "natural" over "correct" when you do dialogue.

when putting on dialogue tags it should always be "somebody said" not "said somebody", doing it backwards is very passive and weak sounding.

She quite liked Itania, and was already considering choosing her as the one who would reign beside her as the most revered student.

one... don't use "quite" its one of thsoe do not use words.... "she liked itania" is fine... also, is there any possible way you can state the second half of this sentence in less words? i bet you can. that is one very wordy way of saying that she wants to make her a sidekick in popularity...

She would not rush into such a decision, though. It was an important one.

cut out the unnecessary: "She would not rush into the decision. It was important."

and what astonishing pieces of mageic they had seen family members perform.

consider "feats of mageic" instead of pieces.

She was quite relieved they were all so busy trying to amuse her that they didn't ask her any questions; she had seen plenty of mageic performed, but nothing she would admit to.

where do you pull these sentence structures from? I can hardly understand what this sentence says... rephrase.

They were all so busy trying to amuse her, they did not ask her any questions. She was relieved. She had seen plenty of mageic performed, but nothing she would publicly admit to.

It had been quite spectacular to see her mother charm the driveway to white marble, but since that was to disguise the cracks in the yellowish-white stone, it didn't sound terribly impressive.

another quite.. watch out for these, you are fond of them.

The only other person who didn't seem to like the stories was Coren.

a. "did not"..... b. instead of telling us that he didnt seem to like the stories, show us that he didnt... how is he acting? what does he say?

The only tales he could spin were about the many accidents he had with his mageic, most of which were embarrassing and not at all flattering. Bathilda found them quite funny, but did not let on just how much so, because the rest regarded Coren with slight scorn.

lots of extra words here we don't need.. cut it down.

The only tales Coren spun detailed the numerous accidents he had accomplished, most of which were embarrassing. Bathilda found them funny, but did not let on how much. The other students regarded Coren scornfully.

Her room was sumptuous.

thesaurus moment... find a better way to SHOW us her room.

Red would be nice. It would complement most of her dresses.

make these thoughts and reword.

and left the room to puzzle her way down to the Dining Hall.

puzzle her way? wha? im not sure what you mean here, find a clearer way to explain what she's doing.

She found Coren and most of the rest of her class gathered in the corridor outside her room.

Redundant.. "most of" and "rest of" shouldn't be in the same sentence.. i'd suggest going with "most of her class" and dropping the "rest of".

There were plenty of students around, all aiming for the Dining Hall and breakfast.

we are going to assume by the hour and the location they are headed, that they are all going to breakfast, so you can drop that part. period after Dining Hall.

She thought they were fools, and wondered what had been said to win them over.

lots more telling and not showing in the last few paragraphs, but this line in particular popped out at me... give us a thought moment.. we desperately want one.

Another bell rang a short time later signalling the start of lessons. Coren told them that he had bought a map from an older student, and so could lead them to their first classroom easily. Nikara smiled and took the map off him, then led them there herself, pleased to see that Sevine and her two friends were forced to follow them.

again.. a lot of telling, but hardly any showing here.. what happened to breakfast? if you're going to pop us into a scene, finish it.. dont jump us in for a brief moment and then whisk us away to somewhere else.. follow through or leave it out.

-----------------------------

okay, i am going to cut off my crit here, because most of what's left is just going to be reiteration of what i've said before. I have a few issues with this story... it reminds me very much of "a little princess" crossed with "harry potter".. the difference here is that our main character.. is not very loveable.. infact.. she's a two-faced brat... she lies to everyone and pushes everyone out of her way to become popular.. completely takes advantage of all the other students.. and omg, at age 10 (i think it was 10) is PLOTTING against others... wow is she coniving or what? frankly, I hate her.. and everyone who reads your story is going to hate her.. people do not want to read a story where the main character is EVIL.. show us something good we can hold on to, or ditch her as a main character and go with Sevine.. she's the underdog in this story at the moment. where is our sense of fatal flaw with this girl?

I think this story could go somewhere if you really want it to, but you're going to have to work at it.. it is very hard to become involved with a story where the main character is a a snotty little girl and from what i can see, the entire story is all about how she gains popularity and abuses those around her to get it. There is no hook to this story.. nothing to draw us in and keep us reading... what little sympathy we could of had for Bathilda (because she's extremely poor and in dire straits right now) is completely negated by her attitude and actions thus far in the story.

some particular points you need to be watching out for as you write:

your wordiness and sentence structure.. alot of what you are trying to tell us is getting lost in your odd round-about way of giving us the information...

another is to watch your passives and "bad phrases".. your tone of voice is very weak in this story and you need to be more confident with what you are saying... when you write a sentence, think about what you want to say, and how to say it in a clear manner that doesn't leave anything to the imagination.

details: we have almost none, but the ones we do have are being told to us, not shown.... every time you switch locations in your story or you introduce a character you have the chance of setting the atmosphere and giving us first impressions.... you have five senses, use them. (sight, sound, touch, taste, smell) spread them around in little, natural ways, and you will add a whole new dimension to your writing.

watch out for those thesaurus moments.

I think you could become a very good writer if you are willing to put the effort into it. You have a ways to go, but you have a big advantage on your side, you are young yet, and you have alot of years to play catch up and surpass those around you...

when you read your crits (mine included) look at what the critiquer is trying to tell you, and not how it's being said. This is my best adivce....

I'm blunt with my opinions, i don't fluff wrap them and tie them up in big "wow thats great" ribbons.. so what you see here is my honest opinion.. but don't let it offend you, nothing above has been said in an attempt to attack you or your work... take it for what it is, friendly advice.

Remember that YOU are the author, and you deserve praise for writing and putting the effort out to do what you love, reguardless of whether it's good, bad, or somewhere inbetween... take the crits you get with a grain of salt, and do your best to become a better writer. I know it's hard to take critisism (even when it's written in a friendly tone) and you will never agree with 100% of what your critiquers are saying, it's a given, but like i said.. look at what's being said, not HOW it's being said.

I look forward to seeing more from you in the future. <3

Ok, I'll abmit it, I didn't read it. Ok I Have to tell you. Theres such a thing as paragraphs. Not trying to be mean but... Really.
I'm still crying. Paragraphs. And you don't need to post your whole story in one page. Space it out!!! Please!!! Pass the kleenex.

*whispers* You're the only one whos made me cry before.

~Pol