A Tight Grip: Fool's Duel

A Tight Grip

“You can’t run.” His voice was smooth as it escaped from his lips. “You can’t even move. I’m letting you breathe. If you want, I can stop that as well.” He ran a finger across her cheek and over her lips. For a moment, the woman seemed to struggle to breath as if she was drowning, then finally after being as still as a statue, her mouth gasped wide for air.

“I’m sure you are trying to talk, too? No talking. I’ll let you breathe, but I have hold of your tongue, darling.” The lanky actor leaned up against the stage door, and cackled more manically than the evil character of the play had.

“You weren’t expecting this, I suppose? That is alright, to be honest I hadn’t planned this either, but I couldn’t help it.” He ran his finger through her milky white bangs, and to the back of her skull. He clutched her head tightly, and brought it to his face. “But one never knows what they’ll find back stage, do they?”

He brushed back his own golden bangs, to see in her eyes the relief of his hands not being on her. “What, you don’t like my touching? Would you like to speak?”

There was a moment of silence where the woman seemed to stand still as if thinking, but once the moment was up she started cursing at the man, and even got so far as spitting on him. She grew silent again. He wiped the spit from his face, and smiled at her sweetly.

“You hate me? I’m so sorry, dear. You shouldn’t have come back stage,” he whispered. His breath pressed to her face like hot coals, and it looked as if she was trying to move away from him, though it was out of her power.

“I’m really sorry I’m doing this. But I saw you from the crowd. You loved me then, didn’t you? I looked so handsome on stage, so kind and loving. So I had you come visit me. Do you still think I’m so handsome? I’m sure I’m not as kind as you once thought.”

He stared at the girl, as if she might open her mouth against his power and speak. He wrapped his arms around her body and held her tightly, laying his check next to hers. “I don’t know what made you do it, really. What makes you think a complete stranger like me, much more a famous actor, talk to a lonely girl like you? It’s the way you smiled, honest. I knew I’d be able to manipulate you. You’re so…gentle.”

The girl’s arms moved around his body and stroked his back in stiff movements like she was a puppet. He kissed her lips, but hers didn’t react to his romantic invite.

“You’re a lonely girl, Suzette, but I love you. That does mean something, doesn’t it?” As he spoke, the girl’s arms dropped to her side and her whole body fell to her knees. Her movements were smoother now, but still not natural. Her eyelids flickered wildly—for reasons unknown it was the one part of her he couldn’t control.

handsome... not hansome.

Thanks for pointing out the spelling I did read over it a few times, I'm just really bad at spelling.

Thanks for all the positive feed back blackdove! You don't know how encouraging that is.

Impressive! I think it's really good. Actually most of your stuff is really good. I wish I could come up with the goods as often as you seem to.
Anyway just one or two things;

the woman seemed to struggle to breath as if she was drowning in a bathtub

Do you need to say bathtub? Surely just saying 'as if she were drowning' would do just as well? I just felt that that phrase didn't quite work.

laying his check next to hers

I think you mean cheek.

as h watched her

You've missed the -e in he I think.

The girl’s arms moved around his body and stroked his back in stiff movements like she was a puppet. He kissed her lips, though she stayed completely still.

First you've said that she's moving -albeit under his control - then she's completly still when he kisses her. Later on you go on to say that her arms drop to her side, so she can't have dropped them here. I suggest saying 'He kissed her lips, though she was completely unresponsive.' or something similar.

Anway I loved it. Keep it up. I definately agree with Blackdove that you could have a career in writing. Bkwrm.

He clutched to her head tightly, and brought it to his face. “But one never knows what they’ll find back stage, do they?”

This sounds very awkward to me. Instead of saying "clutched to her head," I think it should just say "clutched her head."

He brushed back his own golden threads, to see in her eyes the relief of his hands not being on her. “What, you don’t like my touching? Would you like to speak?”

The phrase "golden threads" used to describe hair, just seems off to me. Also, it may just be a character thing, but "What, you don't like my touch?" sounds better to me than what you have.

Now...about the action. It seems rather vague. You might mention how he's doing these things--with his mind alone? Is he gesturing at all, like a pupeteer might? I think that might be relevant to helping your action be a little more clear.

Excellent work, Clau. The others said it best; chilling, indeed.

Alright, edited.

You might mention how he's doing these things--with his mind alone? Is he gesturing at all, like a pupeteer might?

I didn't do this, only because I'm not exactly sure how I could XD very good suggestion, though, Doon, I just can't figure out how to work my way to it.. So I won't.

Thanks everyone!

Claudette wrote:the woman seemed to struggle to breath

I think you mean breathe yes?

Claudette wrote:“I’m sure you are trying to talk, too? No talking. I’ll let you breathe, but I have hold of your tongue, darling.” The lanky actor leaned up against the stage door, and cackled more manically than the evil character of the play had.

I think you should remove the question aspect of the first line. It doesn't seem right. "I'm sure you are trying to talk. No talking." It sounds more demanding, as a psycho should. And you should remove the comma after stage door, I think it flows better.

And I'll force myself to continue this later because I'm lazy and my strange addiction to wierd pairings in fanfiction is distracting me. The biggest beef I have is the commas scattered all over. I'll be nit picky when it's not so late at night -_-

<33

LUNA

Privyet, Mlle. Clau. Take this a compliment - your entry is nearly painful to read. ^_~ Chilling, grotesque, but it pulls of the actor's blase lechery and the girl's helplessness without needless melodrama; for the most part. ^_^

“You can’t run.” His voice was smooth as it escaped [s]from[/s] his lips. “You can’t even move. I’m letting you breathe. If you want, I can stop that as well.” He ran a finger across her cheek and over her lips. For a moment, the woman seemed to struggle to breathe as if she [s]was[/s] were drowning, then finally after being as still as a statue, her mouth gasped wide for air.

* no need of 'from', merely an extra word
* breath ought to be 'breathe'
* was -- though not entirely necessary, the subjunctive is more correct: were

And if she's visibly struggling for air, how is she still as a statue? Is there something else - in her eyes, in her expression - that shows her struggle?

“I’m sure you are trying to talk, too? No talking. I’ll let you breathe, but I have hold of your tongue, darling.” The lanky actor leaned up against the stage door, and cackled more manically than the evil character of the play had.

The italicised: Perhaps it would be more succinct if you shorted that to -- ...the villian he had played on stage.

I like the brief image you give of him, lanky and leaning against the door. I wonder if the atmosphere wouldn't be better rounded, so to speak, were you describe more than merely 'stage door'. Up to you, naturally.

“You weren’t expecting this, I suppose? That is [s]alright[/s] all right, to be honest I hadn’t planned this either, but I couldn’t help it.” He ran his finger through her milky white bangs, and to the back of her skull. [s]He clutched her head tightly, and brought it to his face[/s], pulling her face near to his/near his lips. “But one never knows what they’ll find back stage, do they?”

The actor's remarks are excellent, if rather uncanny.

I've changed the sentence up, as its flow was flat-footed and stiff, broken into two, three sentences. With the present progressive, you get the smoothness of the action done together - but do you want that?

He brushed back his own golden bangs, to see in her eyes the relief of his hands not being on her. “What, you don’t like my touch[s]ing[/s]? Would you like to speak?”

The sentence of his action seems needlessly convoluted. Perhaps like so? -- 'He brushed back his own golden bangs, and saw the relief in her eyes that he was no longer touching her.'

And I agree with Dono. ' -- don't like my touch.' sounds both more natural, and correct.

There was a moment of silence where the woman seemed [s]to stand[/s] still as if thinking,

I assume then, this is volitonal still, in that, she seems or is remaining still of her own will? Again, you use more words where one or a few might do.

And perhaps, to emphasise that this is her choice - is she thinking? Is she pausing? say that. The fact that she stills of her own accord would be more affecting than merely 'ah well, she might have, as if she were thinking, perhaps...'

but once the moment was up she started cursing [s]at[/s] the man, and even got so far as spitting on him.

You may want to shorten sentences, or insert sharper/more active verbs to imply the suddenness of this. As it is, I can tell it's meant to be violent. But the structure feels rather laissez-faire.

“You hate me? I’m so sorry, dear. You shouldn’t have come back stage,” [s]he whispered.[/s] His breath pressed to her face like hot coals, and it looked as if she was trying to move away from him, though it was out of her power.

* strike 'whispered' - it drags his dialogue when we know it is he speaking; 'smiled' segues into it neatly
* how is she trying to move away from him?

You have, some more than a few times, said what is going without showing how it looks. Though that, in narrative, is far from verboten, this would be more present and (if possible, yes) more chilling were we to see her reaction more vividly.

“I’m really sorry I’m doing this. But I saw you from the crowd. You loved me then, didn’t you? I looked so handsome on stage, so kind and loving. So I had you come visit me. Do you still think I’m so handsome? I’m sure I’m not as kind as you once thought.”

Is she one of those girls who falls hopelessly in love with the villain? Or was he an exceptionally misunderstood and kind antagonist on stage?

He stared at the girl, as if she might open her mouth against his power and speak. He wrapped his arms around her body and held her tightly, laying his check next to hers. “I don’t know what made you do it, really. What makes you think a complete stranger like me, much more a famous actor, talk to a lonely girl like you? It’s the way you smiled, honest. I knew I’d be able to manipulate you. You’re so…gentle.”

Keep a wary eye on your sentences and their tendencies. They seem to like a certain pattern, subject-verb and onward. But it may flow more smoothly if you change that up.

And - 'you're so gentle' might be more precise, even for our dear perverse actor, were he to say 'you're so...naive'?

The girl’s arms moved around his body and stroked his back in stiff movements like [s]she was[/s] a puppet. He kissed her lips, but hers didn’t react to his romantic invite.

Again, you're beginning all sentences one way. (Yes, I've put that in bold.)

Then I've struck 'she was', as you don't need it, and you've a habit of adding helping verbs where they don't necessarily help. ^_^

As he spoke, the girl’s arms dropped to her side and her whole body fell to her knees.

Either she fell to pieces at her knees and in front of them, or she crumpled to her knees. See it like so: 'As he spoke, the girl's arms dropped to her side, and her whole body relaxed - she crumpled to her knees.'

Ah, and you've changed up the sentence - it flows much more neatly beginning on 'as' rather than immediately, 'he'. ^_^


--

All in all, Clau, I reiterate what's been said before. It's perversely, painfully, chilling. You've drawn the actor best in dialogue - his attitude comes through, his character, entirely and precisely in his speech.

Watch your sentence structure for repetiton (when not intentional). And think about whether more clarity in the setting would take away from the situation.

It is an excellent entry, and your first foray into something vaguely fantasy. ^_~



IMP

Thanks I'll edit as soon as my laziness goes away.

And, actually, I have written a few things of fantasy before I came here, I keep convincing myself to edit the one I most loved, and it never happens.

You should teach me how to modify my sentence structure; I notice this too, I just don't know how to change it.

Claudette wrote:Thanks I'll edit as soon as my laziness goes away.

And, actually, I have written a few things of fantasy before I came here, I keep convincing myself to edit the one I most loved, and it never happens.

You should teach me how to modify my sentence structure; I notice this too, I just don't know how to change it.

As far as sentence structure, try beginning in the middle, or at the end. I know I sometimes think it backwards, which may or may not help you.

As he began to...

With her gaze trapped by his look, he...

Those are ways to begin, a bit more novelly. But think also, of connecting your sentences - they don't need to end so briefly; you can change up length as well as structure. ^_^


IMP

Heya Till - the crit still on its way, I promise. I'll try to edit it in this evening, if I get half a chance. ^_^

Voila! Against all odds and calculus homework. I know you don't like line-by-line crits, but there are some things I'd like to point out that would be most efficient that way. So to make it easy on both of us, I'll give you the paragraph-at-a-time crit and then the over-all commentary, oui?

--

“You can’t run.” His voice was smooth as it escaped from his lips. “You can’t even move. I’m letting you breathe. If you want, I can stop that as well.” He ran a finger across her cheek and over her lips. For a moment, the woman seemed to struggle to breath as if she was drowning, then finally after being as still as a statue, her mouth gasped wide for air.

['Escaped', in the second sentence, feels awkward. You might want to think of rewording that a little differently. Maybe his voice slipped from his lips? Fled, even? In 'I'm letting you breath', I would italicize 'letting' for more force and contrast, but that's a very small note. Also, in 'the woman seemed to struggle to breath, as if she was drowning', it feels as if you've crammed too many words in. Might read better just as 'the woman struggled to breath as if she was drowning'. We don't need to be told she seemed to be struggling, after all - there's very little grey area there, either she's having trouble breathing or not. ^_~]


The lanky actor leaned up against the stage door, and cackled more manically than the evil character of the play had.

[This gives it almost an insincere, ingenuine feel. His manaical cackling feels rather off; it transforms him from the laissez-faire, lethal threat to the slightly unbelievable villain. Steer away from cliches, Till, even if you're negating them. Perhaps mention his laugh, how soft/loud it was, how it made the girl feel, how it carried with it a certain ominous evil. But I would scratch the cackling. ^_~]


He ran his finger through her milky white bangs, and to the back of her skull. He clutched her head tightly, and brought it to his face.

[Nice detail here.]


“What, you don’t like my touching? Would you like to speak?”

[His dialogue feels a bit unbalanced here. Maybe 'What, you don't like my touching you?']


“You’re a lonely girl, Suzette, but I love you.["]

The name threw me off, for some reason. French for 'Susan', yes? But it felt strange in the context of the story - it jarred rather than offered a pleasant suprise. You might change it to something a bit more quickly recognizable and of the same nature: Susan, Suzanne... But then that's just an opinion, and a slight one at that. If you feel she's a Suzette then, by all means, keep her a Suzette. ^_^]

--

In the end, Till, I can only echo what the others have said. This is chilling, disoncerting and intriguing, definitely worthy of its status as a Duel entry. You mentioned that your action feels a bit off, but I think it flow fine. The main points I've noticed are highlighted above. Beyond that, all I can say is that I think this is truly the best prose work I've read by you - better even than To Keep No Secrets. ^_^ A great short piece, with all the vividity and depth it should have. I wish you the best of luck on the duel, Till, and I think you should start looking into dark fantasy magazines to query. ^_~

Coo! Chilling! I haven't read the other reviews, so scuse me if I repeat what others have said.

Claudette wrote: His voice was smooth as it escaped from his lips.

That sentance is weird. Maybe you could rephrase it? Just say "his voice was smooth".

Claudette wrote:“I’m sure you are trying to talk, too?

This sounds very awkward. "Are you trying to talk, too?" might work better.

Claudette wrote:The lanky actor leaned up against the stage door, and cackled more manically than the evil character of the play had.

I like that bit lots. It's like his acting is affecting his real life.

Claudette wrote: "That is alright, to be honest I hadn’t planned this either, but I couldn’t help it.”

This might be me just being picky, but I'm not sure you need that comma. You could start a new sentance, or put in a semi-colon?

Claudette wrote: He clutched her head tightly, and brought it to his face.

How could he do that exactly?


I think this is great! I want to know how the actor can do his controlling thing - and what happens to Suzette! It's easy to read as well. I hope you do more of this! I hope my two-cents worth is helpful.

-ST

I think this is wonderful. It shows a lot of characteristics from other stories you write and well, we all know that I love those. Everyone else pointed out the spelling and stuff so I've only to shower praises.

I really like how at the end you said her eyes could see the whole thing but the rest of her was a puppet, that sort of bumped up the freaky factor lol. I was wondering if there was going to be more though. You've made interesting characters and now I'm dying to know more about them. I mean, what's going to happen to the girl.

This would do a nice ending because of the suspence and how it leaves you hanging, but I'm always for sequels lol.

Let me know if you write more!
~Rieda

Wow, I hadn't realized this had gotten so many comments....

I probably won't be editing this, or adding more to it. I wrote it to get by with something for Fool's duel -_- And I'm too lazy; I need to focus on my novel, also. Sorry to ruin everyone's hard work on this...

But If you really want me to love you, critique my novel XD Thanks to everyone, anyway!