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Working on a Series [Need a Name]



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Sat Nov 10, 2007 3:50 am
Skitzafreak says...



This is a novel I have been trying to write. I haven't gotten much done yet however, but I would like some feed back on what I have. Also if anyone has any suggestions for a name when I get a chapter or two in, it would be more than welcome :D

Chapter 1: Exile

[pre] The cave was dimly lit. Runes of blood were along the walls, and in the middle of the room sat a large rock, glowing in the light of the cave's torches. Three beings, two men, and a woman, stood around the stone. One of the man wore a dark robe, and the hood hid his eyes from view. His hands were covered in dust, like he had been digging in the mud. The other man wore a small cape and held a staff. His face was that of a proud, and powerful man, but he seemed to have a look of fear and doubt in his eyes. The woman wore a cloak, yet unlike the first man she had her hood down. Her face was beautiful and her ears were long and pointed; she was an elf. Her eyes were hot and blazing like a steaming fire as she starred at the stone between the three of them. “Is everything ready Jurma?” the women asked the robed man.
“I shall make the final preparations now Hel'yuni” Jurma replied, “Although, I will need your help for a second Arklin, I may be the Earth mystic, but I cannot lift this boulder by myself.”
“Give me a moment Jurma,” Arklin replied in an angry tone, “I need to finish figuring this out first. Are you sure everything we have here is correct Hel'yuni?”
“Positive,” she replied, “I have researched this for the past five years, everything I have done is done perfectly. When this spell is complete we should have the gem. I only wish Gurmani had decided to join us, we'd have more power and could make the stone more powerful. None the less we shall finally bring peace to our world.”
“Hel'yuni, Arklin, it's ready.” Jurma declared, “Let the spell commence” Each of the three mystics began to chant in an ancient tongue, and they all began to glow. Jurma glowed an earth green, Arklin a deep water blue, and Hel'yuni a beautiful cloud white. The three glows shot out from each of them towards the stone. A flash of light filled the room, and screams rang through the cave.

Jurkai awoke with a start. His fur was soaked with his sweat. 'Was that just a dream?' he thought to himself as he sat inside his hut wide awake. He got off of his boar skin bed and walked out of the hut. The cold wind blew through his sweat soaked fur. It was still night, he had best stay inside. He retreated back inside where he began to think of the images he has just seen. 'They couldn't have been real' he continually thought to himself, 'but it seemed so real!' Jurkai wiped his head with his hands. This was too much to think about now, even if it was night, he should be preparing to hunt in the morning.
Jurkai got up from his bed once again and walked over to the room where he kept his gear. He needed to make a successful catch today, he had returned with nothing for the past few days, and the tribe were beginning to doubt his abilities. As leader, he needed to keep strong, so he prepared himself. He retrieved his net, his blade, and his leggings then finally decided he should wipe the sweat from his body.'Hopefully today I have some things explained to me while I am out in the desert.' He thought.
He set out from his hut into the still dark desert. Jurkai hoped he could catch something before everyone else awoke, at least then he could feed the elders. It was still frigidly cold though, so he walked at a fast pace through the soft cold sand. It when then that he saw him, a figure in the distance that seemed to by lying on the ground dead. He neared closer hoping it was something edible he could take home, but when the figure had visible features, Jurkai dropped his blade and ran. It was a man, huddled, cold, and freezing. Jurkai ran next to him and knelt down, “Are you okay?” he asked the man. He got no response, so Jurkai lifted the man over his shoulder, retrieved his blade and headed towards the village. 'A life is more important than food' he thought.

Jurkai sat in front of the fire he had made in his hut. His bed lay behind him, and on it, the stranger he had found in the desert. 'That man is lucky to be alive' he thought, 'In those outside temperatures, not even our people can survive long. He is a strong man.' Jurkai looked back at the man as he rolled around in the bed, and something caught his eye, something he hadn't noticed before. The man had a symbol, a crest on his clothes. Curious to see what it was Jurkai moved towards him and closer examined this new clue as to where the stranger was from. 'What the!?! This can't be!?' Jurkai lept back from the man and grabbed his blade, 'this man is an Akroyian...damn it I should have just let him die!'[/pre]
Last edited by Skitzafreak on Tue Nov 13, 2007 11:24 pm, edited 2 times in total.
  





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Sat Nov 10, 2007 3:03 pm
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Rydia says...



Hi there. I think this needs to be moved to fantasy fiction so if a fully fledged mod can take care of that I'd be very grateful...

As for advice, I'd need to read more before I could give you suggestions for a name but here's a few pointers -

The woman wore a cloak, yet unlike the first man she had her hood down. Her face was beautiful and her ears were long and pointed, [Maybe use a semi colon here.] she was an elf. [s]her[/s] Her eyes were hot and blazing like a steaming fire as she [s]starred[/s] stared at the stone between the three of them.

“I have researched this for the past [s]5[/s] five years, everything I have done is done perfectly.

Jurkai, [Why a comma here?] got up from his bed once again [s]to[/s] and walked over to the room where he kept his gear.

He needed to make a successful catch today, he had returned with nothing for the past few days, and the tribe [s]was[/s] were beginning to doubt his abilities.

Overall, I think you've got a good start here. The three mages seem like interesting characters and I'm looking forward to finding out more about Jurkai. Hope some of this helps,

Heather xx
Writing Gooder

~Previously KittyKatSparklesExplosion15~

The light shines brightest in the darkest places.
  





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Sun Nov 11, 2007 12:31 am
Skitzafreak says...



Thanks for the comments. And thanks for the corrections, I will make them now :P

I unfortunately do not have a word processor with a working spell check so that is a problem lol :P

And with not having a name to give me, it's okay, I wasn't expecting anyone to have an idea at least until chapter one was complete. Will hopefully be adding more to Chapter one tonight anyway :D
  





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Tue Nov 13, 2007 11:26 pm
Skitzafreak says...



I have a new segment of my story for you all to view. It's not much though as I don't have much writing time :(

[pre]'Hopefully today I have some things explained to me while I am out in the desert.' He thought.
He set out from his hut into the still dark desert. Jurkai hoped he could catch something before everyone else awoke, at least then he could feed the elders. It was still frigidly cold though, so he walked at a fast pace through the soft cold sand. It when then that he saw him, a figure in the distance that seemed to by lying on the ground dead. He neared closer hoping it was something edible he could take home, but when the figure had visible features, Jurkai dropped his blade and ran. It was a man, huddled, cold, and freezing. Jurkai ran next to him and knelt down, “Are you okay?” he asked the man. He got no response, so Jurkai lifted the man over his shoulder, retrieved his blade and headed towards the village. 'A life is more important than food' he thought.

Jurkai sat in front of the fire he had made in his hut. His bed lay behind him, and on it, the stranger he had found in the desert. 'That man is lucky to be alive' he thought, 'In those outside temperatures, not even our people can survive long. He is a strong man.' Jurkai looked back at the man as he rolled around in the bed, and something caught his eye, something he hadn't noticed before. The man had a symbol, a crest on his clothes. Curious to see what it was Jurkai moved towards him and closer examined this new clue as to where the stranger was from. 'What the!?! This can't be!?' Jurkai lept back from the man and grabbed his blade, 'this man is an Akroyian...damn it I should have just let him die!'[/pre]
  








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