The Confessional

Dear you.
I finally swallowed the pill. I'm done. I let go. And my heart is finally ready to love again.
I hope that someday soon you'll realize that it doesn't have to be this way.
The next move is yours.
Either way, I win.
Love me.

Now I know you're just a player. But I didn't before. Every time you called me darling, every time you called me beautiful, every text I got with a heart or a smiley face, it made my heart soar. I couldn't eat or sleep for weeks because of you - because of my "ravenous butterflies" as we once called them.

But.

Then someone I thought was my friend...turned on me. She pestered you, annoyed you, grated on your nerves, said things she promised she wouldn't. I didn't know this. So when your friends started bullying her....I thought I was protecting her.

I won't even pretend I know why you left so easily, because we had a small argument. But you did. A few days later, I found out the truth. I messaged you over and over again, telling you I was sorry and that I didn't know. But you wouldn't respond. You wouldn't talk to me. You wouldn't even look at me.

Then, one day I finally got a message back. The message? "I have a girlfriend."

My heart crushed. I promised myself then that I wouldn't cry. I only broke that promise once, when you started flirting with the very friend that tore us apart.

Me and her aren't friends anymore. Not just because of that, but because she was coniving, couldn't stay out of people's business, and she was pushing me away anyways.

You didn't talk to me for months.

I started to become happy again. I made the best friend any girl could ask for, I had moved on from you. So I thought. One day, I got a random text from a random number, because by then I'd deleted your number.

You said you wanted to teach me guitar, something I'd been wanting to do for a while. I said, "You kind of have to talk to me to do that, now don't you." I always have been snarky. You just laughed and asked me how I'd been, what I was up to. Then you apologized.

We haven't talked since then. Maybe it's my fault, because I pushed you away that night.

It's been a few months since then. I tell my friends I'm okay, that I'm over you.

But the truth is, every time we pass each other in the halls (which happens about ten times a day), or bump into each other when you come out of math class and I go in it, or I see you talking to girls, or even just walking with you friend, when you pass by me when we have the same lunch, when I turn and catch you staring, my heart breaks a little inside.

But I'm getting better.

*Sorry, haven't told anyone this - had to get it all off my chest*

My life is crumbling around me - especially my family life. Everyone is a wreck, a total mess; including me.

Recently, he came along. He makes me smile when I'm sad, he makes me laugh when I feel like crying, he makes me feel like I can an will overcome everything.

I like him. A lot.

But my family is just....so crazy.

I feel terrible for every moment of my happiness with him, because my family is so upset and distressed.

Am I a terrible person?

I'm a wreck, I always have been. No matter how ok I act I'm definitively not. I feel horrible and useless, I hate myself. When I look in the mirror I see all the ugly. You ruined me forever. When you took my innocence my life began to spiral. When people know the truth they will never want me. I cut myself sometimes and try to forget the mistakes. I lie to everone because I can't trust anyone because of you. I feel like devon killed himself because of me. Nothing makes sense anymore.

My parents see my interests as foolish as they do not correspond with the typical interests of a person of my age. Why can they not accept that I am not a typical teenager? (oh, the word alone blister my tongue...)

Foolish is what is common. We must deviate to flourish in a honest manner.

I feel alone. This is a confession because I'm afraid to admit it for real. One of my best friends hardly ever talks to me, my other...I'm not sure she even listens to half the things I say.

I feel so distant. Like everything is happening around me instead of with me. I don't mean that it's revolving around me or anything - that's far from the truth- but I just don't feel close to it anymore.

I write because the people I truly know completely are my characters, and because I love it. It's the one thing that actually makes me feel...different, visible, seen. I'm tired of being a cliche invisible girl. I don't want to be that. I want to be seen, visible, different. I want people to like me because of everything I am instead of just a few attributes...

I am a horrible person, ad I want it to stop.
But everything I do, everything I don't, every fire I put out, every frown I turn upwards, they reverse.
The fire catches alight, burning and sparking hate from everyone.
Everyone frowns again, their lips forming and shaping into an evil downwards monster.
I hate myself.
I lye, I tease, I ruin, I hate.
I never forgive, help, care, share, or be special.
I want to be someone special, but I hate myself.

And everyone time I look in the mirror it shatters, and millions upon billions of tiny shards of glass spread out across the floor, because I am so horrible to look out on the inside.
And then someone will come and get a tettnis shot because they step on a piece of glass.
And it's all my fault.

My past... This sounds cliche but it's coming back to get me. I did something that I regret, ended up ruining the relationship between my parents and I for a while, and for some reason they think that what's going on is soon to be a repeat.

But it's not. I keep trying to tell them that, but they don't listen. I hate it. It's as if they don't trust me, as if they don't think I'm as strong as they used to.

I'm not like I was. It actually scares me how much I've changed over the past year. And I'm not who my siblings or parents are. I just wish they knew that...

Hey Confessional, I don't know if you realized this, but double posting isn't aloud. I'm pretty sure you did something around 12th-posted.

Pilot, did you read the original post?

You might want to, it kind of explains everything.

Oh, dur. My bad.

Pilot, I made the same mistake myself the first time I saw this thread.

Some of these confessions... I want to know who the confessor is. xD

We'll not clutter the thread up with chatter. The best part about TheConfessional is that everyone can feel safe in being anon.