Young Writers Society

I visualize hes hand on your behind, So am i still suppose to think that your mine?
I've put hours on end to see your smile, But you've messed up for the very last time
It's time for all the untold whispers to come to light.

It's Knocked me about about, when i picture you aroused
Him throwing hes trousers down, Then ripping of your blouse
while you push him on the couch
My thoughts make me scream but you haven't heard a sound
You said you loved me, But you lusted Him
cause i lacked what you lusted in him
You don't remember it was supposed to be just me and you
I'm squinting without you
But blinded when hes with you
So it's made me wonder
if i'm learning about your love, Do i ever get Tenure?

As my thoughts flicker, I go back to the scene where you throw of your knickers
So as i imagine every shallow breath taken
it leaves me deeply shaken
As you seek'ed affection
You gave him your up most attention
As clueless as you were
He's only intention was to gain an everlasting erection

So now as i paint this scenario I'm wondering
How can i forget?
feeling depressed makes me regret
Every action this has commenced
So as life take me to my windows to reflect
which allows to me browse through our history
Feeling like every page should be deleted and i should act like we never met.

I visualize hes hand on your behind, So am i still suppose to think that your mine?
I've put hours on end to see your smile, But you've messed up for the very last time
It's time for all the untold whispers to come to light.

It's Knocked me about about, when i picture you aroused
Him throwing hes trousers down, Then ripping of your blouse
while you push him on the couch
My thoughts make me scream but you haven't heard a sound
You said you loved me, But you lusted Him
cause i lacked what you lusted in him
You don't remember it was supposed to be just me and you
I'm squinting without you
But blinded when hes with you
So it's made me wonder
if i'm learning about your love, Do i ever get Tenure?

As my thoughts flicker, I go back to the scene where you throw of your knickers
So as i imagine every shallow breath taken
it leaves me deeply shaken
As you seek'ed affection
You gave him your up most attention
As clueless as you were
He's only intention was to gain an everlasting erection

So now as i paint this scenario I'm wondering
How can i forget?
feeling depressed makes me regret
Every action this has commenced
So as life take me to my windows to reflect
which allows to me browse through our history
Feeling like every page should be deleted and i should act like we never met.

Wow! Its not very often that a writer comes across something by another writer without the feeling of tearing it apart. But no matter how I look at this, as a writer or a reader, one thing is certain, This is amazing!!!!!!!!!!!!! The emotions are so raw and believable that its so clear and relatable to anyone.

Great job on this!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hope to read more of your work. Congrats on a job well done!!!!

keep writing

I was not expecting it to be so open in a sense but it was good. The last two lines of the first stanza had very odd rhyming to it. I also thought "It's time for all the untold whispers to come to light" was somewhat unnecessary. I would have divided the first two lines into four, both by the rhyming and flow and meaning. In the second stanza it felt a little off when on the last lines you rhymed him with him, and you with you with you. Also, reading this I felt that you were going for the AA,BB rhyming scheme which is very well but the problem is that in a number of places you deviate from that rhyming scheme and then come back to it then deviate again that made me a little confused when reading it because it changes the flow of the poem. Other than that, I like the emotion. The last line of the poem did not feel strong enough. Going through the poem there were a lot of raging emotions and at the end it seems like it's most of emotion is gone and there does not seem to be as much impact in the ending as there should have been. I feel like the poem should end on a very charged and strong line.
Great job. It was a little surprising as to imagery of it but it was good.