Love and fifty dollars

May I sit besides you?

He paused. She nodded.

He handed her an envelope.
She gently placed it in her bag.

May I have your hand?
Please, your hand.

He looked ever so longingly. His eyes fixed upon hers.

My hand? It's yours.

Her hand found rest in his that reached out.
He squeezed it affectionately as if he was extracting bliss from the contact.
She thought him childish for his face shone with joy.
He clenched his eyes shut.

Why do you hold my hand so tightly?

I don't want to lose it.
Please don't go.
Don't.

He waited. She nodded with a kind smile.

I need you.
I need you forever.
I don't have anything but you.
Please.

He squeezed tighter.
Her body distorted in pain.
They sat, hand in hand, with only echoes of desperation filling the air.

Are you cold?

She asked.

No, your hand is warm.

He loosened his grip.
A cold breeze blew and she brought herself closer to him.
She tilted her head and gracefully rested it upon his shoulders.

You're beautiful.

She moved closer to his side.
Her golden hair ruffled down his right.
It was soft, cold, wet,
lingering a sweet scent.

Your hair is wet.
You'll get sick.

He tried to get up.
She held him down.

No.
Let's wait.
I like it here.

He gave in to her sweet words.
He looked to her once more, tears swelling from his eyes.

I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
You are my everything.
You are my sanctuary.
You are my truth.
You are my peace.
You are my life.
You are...

Shh..

She put her finger on his mouth and looked up into his eyes.

Please... don't

Footsteps were heard a distance away.
A man in a winter coat approached them.

Time's up.
Let's go.

He said.
She let go of the hand and nodded.

Goodbye.

She whispered.
Exasperated, the man sat awe-struck.
She handed the man standing besides her the envelope.
The two walked away.

Wait!

The man stopped and looked back.
She too stopped.

Can I...
Can I see her again?

The man in the bench asked.
The coated man bellowed a hearty laugh,
piercing through the empty park.

Sure, sure.
Anytime you want,
you know my number.

He glanced over at his ephemeral lover
in profound shame.

She forced out a brazen smile
that betrayed her sympathies.

Then they were gone.

He sat alone
deprived of his love,
deprived of his fifty dollars.

Lovely poem. A great piece of narrative poetry. I loved the idea of concept and the placement of dialogue in italics within your poem, really gave it an original touch. The story was easy to follow yet had some sort of depth to it, which is, to me at least a good thing. There also seems to be no grammatical issues.

Although sometimes the lies between the the woman and the are blurred, you can't really tell who is speaking, maybe you should make it a little more explicit. For this sort of poem the line between them both should not be blurred. Although I do like how you have blurred the 'transaction', one is not really sure what is happening ( you uses a 'envelope' instead of 50 dollars) it makes the ending stronger.

This really is a nice poem.

Incredible story! This is a great approach, letting the readers know what the envelope contains yet still making it appear like a love story. The way you have structured the poem was perfect, I have never seen that stanza work in a poetry piece. Incredible description! My only suggestion is that there is more emotion at the end of the poem. The emotion through out the poem was subtle but prominent! The ending, could maybe use a little more confusion or desperation from the male. But the last two lines of your poem were perfect! I have never read something like this before, it is really fantastic!

Oh my god! This is very good! The title totally caught my interest and I don't know if I'm stupid but I was so not expecting that ending! I read this beautiful lovestory between to people and then it ends like that... so unexpected, sad and yet not. I don't know, I really really loved it though! Incredible! The only flaw I could find was that you wrote;

"She tilted her head and gracefully rested it upon his shoulders." - I believe it shouldn't be "shoulders" since usually you can't rest your head on both shoulders ^^

Other than that... this was AMAZING! 5/5 icky sticky spiders to you!

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

I've actually seen this before in a drama. In that drama, this guy hires a girl to pretend to be his girlfriend, but then he actually pays her more later because he becomes interested in her romantically. Although the tone was very different from your poem, I could relate because I had prior knowledge of these sorts of affairs. (Maybe you should provide a spoiler that lets people know?)
This was sad and great, good job!

Right from the start, my first instinct was to say that this would be a lovely piece of prose.

Narrative poetry should tell a story but it should not simply be a piece of prose spaced out in a way that would make it appear to be anything different. If it does not hold the basic fundamentals of poetic device, should it even be defined as such?

I love this piece as a story. The theme is beautiful and chilling. Cold. I loved that, but on a poetic standpoint, I can't seem to find myself truly falling in love with this as a piece of poetry.

So these are someways you can fix this up a bit.

First off, you need to get out of that 'I'm telling a story' diction. That 'she smiled. He fell on himself in pain' what not. That will only show you're more suited for prose than poetry and will take away from the overall of this poem. Instead, start using your words as your tool. Instead of saying she cried say, "liquid drops, so sickly sweet, as water brimming and cooled and fell'. Your diction is very important.

Secondly, this is straight forward. The meaning is straight forward. The reasoning is straight forward. Everything is pretty much 'this happened', 'this happened', 'that happened', which is another part that comes with prose. So start adding in some metaphor. Use other images to explain the thoughts. Like explaining something that is fake by using such objects as fake flowers or counterfeit money. That will help make this poem truly original.

I love the thought process. I love the theme. I would really love to see this as a piece of poetry, though, so keep working on it and shaping it. Give this not only a story but also a voice.

If you can do that, there is nothing you can't achieve.
~Walker