Night-Eyes

Spoiler

Thanks go to Kamas and MeanMrMustard 8D

You always spoke soft, night-eyes, soft and slow with
clouds in your mouth and starlight pressing lips to
your closed eyes-- you breathed in sight, deep and still,
exhaling midnight air and carving constellations with your
metronome hands, far out of arms' length.
Always always out of reach, you were fluent in
the moon's language, speaking to the sun--
though you never quite knew what you were saying.

When the night bled to bitter sunlight, you blinked in steady tip-taps
with eyelash rustling eyelash, unable to do more.
Steps heavy with the weight of garnered sympathy and heavy curiosity,
you kept a piece of night across your eyes, blinking past the bright rays of light,
with which you just couldn't stand to see.

Stepping slow, you tip-tapped past the sun,
back into the dark and solitude that night made you crave;
without wanting to watch anything anymore, you banked down in the grass and heard everything,
stars sliding past the willow and over the sides of the earth,
and the echoes of tip-tap metronome hands, composing a symphony
of something that couldn't be seen.

Hi there

I really like this. The whole thing has a really lyrical and whimsical feel to it. It is also structred very well and flows perfectly.

There are some really incredible and lovley lines here. My favorite is

"exhaling midnight air and carving constellations with your
metronome hands, far out of arms' length. "

So good job

I liked it. However, it made me sleepy...which I'm not sure was intentional or not. If it was, good job. If it wasn't, pretend like it was. *yawns*

Good job, anyway. By the end of the piece, I was thinking of favorite'ing it, even if it wasn't my normal shtick, just because it made me curious, interested, and, yes, tired. *nods*

And I may return and favorite it later. But now I'm not sure if I'm happy with it trying to sedate me. *growls at poem* Eviiil poetry...

Mustard and Kamas's influence shows

You have an interesting start here. It's a departure from your usual style and has some pretty unique imagery. However, right now it doesn't feel grounded. Take this for example:

carving constellations with your
metronome hands, far out of arms' length.

What is this trying to say? Is it meant to be an image? A metaphor? Why are his hands "metronome hands"? Your intention isn't clear because the language is drowning in itself. It's a pretty cool line, it just needs to have a reason to be there.

This issue continues throughout the poem. Night-eyes obviously loves the night, but why? What reason do I have for reading this poem? Give the reader something to pull from the poem. It can be a moral or idea, but it doesn't have to, it can be an exploration of a situation or event or emotion. Right now I'm not getting much more than a guy evading the day so he can get back to his beloved night. That isn't to say that there isn't more depth to this poem, it's just not coming through to me.

I think you should try putting this in 3rd person and see how it feels. 2nd person works best in poetry when the speaker and the subject have a strong relationship, but in this poem there isn't even a reference to why the speaker is talking to Night-eyes, so it feels odd.

I also would like you to try removing every "night" in this piece (besides the initial "night-eyes") and replacing it with a more subtle reference to the night. I think you will like the results.

It's a good piece Persy, and I love seeing you play with styles. It just needs some meat that will really draw me in.

This seems to be a different style from what you usually do. I can definitely see a bit of Kamas and MMM in this, and I'm glad you're exploring some techniques that you're not necessarily comfortable with. It's healthy. However, one must make sure that these styles are complementary, or have been adjusted as needed.

Dogging this thought, I do think that this particular fusion of styles could be made to be extremely powerful, but, in this poem, one feels as if the author is attempting to display something of a point, but that said point is vaguely outlined and indecipherable. I understand that there is a guy who hates daylight. That is a good start, but what are you actually getting at? Is there a story you want to tell? A moral you want to personify? What is it you want me to walk away with that I didn't have before?

Your rhythm is, in a word, confused. I'd like to point out this duo of lines:

Steps heavy with the weight of garnered sympathy and heavy curiosity,
you kept a piece of night across your eyes, blinking past the bright rays of light,

Grammatical structures as complex as these have no place in poetry, especially when synthesized with such a predictable line break.

So! Hope this helped!

-Kafka

It's very deep, maybe a little difficult for some people to follow and I had some trouble making sense of it to begin with but I loved the strange etherial sense I got from it and the emotions that I found whilst reading.I think that even if I hadn't been able to make head or tail of it I would still have enjoyed reading the poem.

Hi perse! Well, another excellent poem. It really did make me feel sleepy...whether it was intentional or not, it was brilliant! I'm always so jealous when I read your poetry, just because it's so fabulous and deep and emotive and poewerful. I'm rambling now. Sorry I don't really have that much to say, I just wanted to let you know how much I enjoyed this piece. Well done!
~ Amelia

Once again, beautiful imagery. Some stuff I semi-specifically enjoyed:

The whole space/sky theme/metaphor, with all its imagery and the way it tied the whole poem together.
The repetition of specific words and phrases, like "tip-tap" and "metronome hands." I also really love the phrase where they're together, "tip-tap metronome hands," because I love the sound, the vague sort of image, and the fact that these are both repeated here, which not only adds to the repitition but ties them together.

As usual, awesome job.

~Blue

Wow...this was really amazing! I loved it. I'm usually not super into poetry, but this is really well done! I loved the feel of it and the wya it flowed. Nicely done!