Moonboy

Sunflowers come in June.
They don't like the moon;
I always know.
A stargirl told me so.

A moonboy walked over
and said I was wrong,
The moon was everyone's friend.

He cried two tears
and caught his fears.
The stars envied him.

He picked up a leaf
and held it in the air.
Little bugs were crawling.

There are no bug people.

I looked at him,
the lonely moonboy,
the only one I ever saw.

I don't know the moons.
I hear they're buffoons.
But stars can tell a lie.

Why are we so bad?
Making each other sad.
I just want to smile
and make you smile.


=]

You had some really cool, unique language in here and I enjoyed reading this poem. The last stanza seemed to break from your style though and didn't have many of the great poetic qualities of the preceding parts. The first two lines of the last stanza stood out to me as being especially weak.
Also, your meaning didn't really come through for me. I loved the language, but I wasn't really able to pull anything out of this poem beyond that.

This poem is very unique(:. Very nice. It is descriptive in some parts but not so much in others. I like how you opened the poem with sunflowers coming in June. When I saw your poem that was the only line I could read and it really drew me to your poem. I think it was really nice, but I don't like it when it says "there are no bug people." Why is that seperate from the rest? I like it though (: good job!!!!!

Hey!

You have an excellent title for drawing people (well, me) in, and I love the idea of a moonboy and a stargirl, but I don't get what you're trying to say in the poem. How are the sunflowers connected to the lack of bug people? What is the reason for the moonboy's tears? How are the last lines connected to the rest of the poem? they seemed to be randomly thrown in to get to a sort of conclusion.

So, basically, while this sounded nice, I didn't have a clue what it was about.

The rhyme also felt forced, and I think the poem could benefit from it being taken out.

Sorry, this sounds harsh, but I don't really get what the poem's about, so I can't offer any good criticism beyond that.

-twit

This was very different, but very good. I like the flow. I also like the anomalous rhymes. Nice:)

This starts off very well. You draw the reader in with a certain cosmic and mystifying quality, and you have managed to create a fairly seamless flow, and some good rhythm and rhyme - at the beginning. Your first stanza is good.

Then, to my sadness, in the later stanzas the poem seems to sort of... lose its way. What you were developing seemed to completely change and fizzle out in tangents. The fourth, fifth, seventh and eight stanzas are particularly jarring, and don't seem to fit completely with the flow and the feelings you had created. One of the worst offenders in my view is the lone line: "There are no bug people." The reader is forced to stop, interrupting the poem with a sort of revelation that hits us but does not sink in or make much sense. This lonely line is one that we mull over, and wonder at the meaning, because it is not well integrated with the rest of the poem in terms of its imagery and its place in the poem: there being a general lack of references to bug people and bugs throughout the rest of the poem. (Only one other example.) Are we supposed to forge a kind of link between the bugs/bug people/leaf/sunflower? Are these bug people supposed to evoke a whole new image or sensation? Either way, or another way entirely, the implementation of this could be improved, as the impact of this line is mostly comprised of confusion. (I advise you to read the poem out to yourself. And do it again, but this time take that line out entirely. See which you think is better, how it changes the poem's general feel and flow, etc.)

My biggest pet hate about this, though, would have to be the last stanza. It comes across as a cheesy, lazy and kiddy finish. It could be from a completely different poem. I would mercilessly destroy it if I were you.

He picked up a leaf
and held it in the air.
Little bugs were crawling.

The first thing to mention is that this poem is very original and beautiful so it makes it a lot different from most pieces. The second thing i want to tell you is that on the stanza above ^^^ if you wanted to continue the rhyme you could say "Little bugs were crawling everywhere but thats just a suggestion ^.^ well i guess thats all i have to say for now. Till then

Thank you all for your feedback. The inspiration for this piece comes from the novel Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli. I wrote it towards the beginning of summer. So the title of the Moonboy symbolizes an enlightened person, like Stargirl in the novel. So there are no bug people, because he was staring at an actual leaf. But i love what you had to say about it