Another

Another drink,
Words spew out.
Another smile to hide what's screaming to get out.
Another free throw,
and the walls come tumbling down.
Another laugh to cover up the terrifying sound.
Another end,
To a horrifying night.
Praying that next time,
everything will be alright.

like your poem. Having alot of personal experiences with alcoholics,I think you did a good job describing the typical night.
Especially

Words spew out.

Another free throw,

I don't really understand this line. Unless you are implying that someone picked up random object and threw it at the wall. It seems really realistic.If you have any questions Pm me . Keep writing. Fiction

Hi Haileyanniful! I like this a lot. It's short, though not exactly sweet. I have a couple suggestions for you ...

You use a lot of commas. I might go so far as to say that, in general, most commas in poetry are unnecessary. First, think about your poem as prose, and see whether you would need a comma.

haileyanniful wrote:Another free throw,
and the walls come tumbling down.

"Another free throw" is an dependent clause, because it could not stand on its own as a complete sentence. However, "The walls come tumbling down" is, indeed, an independent clause, because it is complete with a subject and a predicate. The word "and" is your linking conjunction. Now, if one had two independent clauses, he would need that comma. However, if one has one independent and one dependent clause, as you do, a comma is not necessary. Lastly, if one has two dependent clauses, then the sentence is incomplete -- a fragment, if you will.

My last nitpick:

The line breaks were somewhat random. What milestone of drunkenness are you reaching with each repetition of the word "another"? I hope this makes sense, but if it doesn't (and even if it does), you don't have to take my advice.

Overall, this is a very descriptive, vivid piece of poetry. Well done, and I hope you continue to write!

Hey, Hailey,

I'm not too sure how much I like this poem, and I can't exactly pinpoint why. I think that there is a lot of room for elaboration here, but I feel like telling you to elaborate would ruin this, because I like it in its concise form. I feel like more would be overkill.

However, I feel that it's not much of a poem, rather just an expression of the eventide of an experience, and because of that, it's hard to critique, or say much about. Thanks for sharing, and keep writing,

June

Haileyanniful wrote:Another drink,
Words spew out.
Another smile to hide what's screaming to get out.
Another free throw,
and the walls come tumbling down.
Another laugh to cover up the terrifying sound.
Another end,
To a horrifying night.
Praying that next time,
everything will be alright.

Man, this is so short for a poem be called as poem. *sigh* Yet it is nice.
Make things more clearer using longer words than these words you are using. Revise it. That's what I can't suggest to you.

Hey there! I don't think the repetition worked too well for you here, it stunted the growth of your poem. I felt that you could have said more in a lot of these lines but you was letting yourself be limited to a very set format. Here's a few comments and suggestions:

Another drink, [This is quite a good opening line. It sets the scene, brings in the character and all is well. Your next line is good too but after that, the reader needs more. What sort of words spew out? Why is this persona drinking? You're very vague about what the issues are, using words like horrifying and terrifying but not actually giving us any details. It's hard to relate to the persona if we don't actually know the events.]
Words spew out.
Another smile to hide what's screaming to get out.
Another free throw,
and the walls come tumbling down.
Another laugh to cover up the terrifying sound.
Another end,
To a horrifying night.
Praying that next time,
everything will be alright. [My other comment is for your end. There's not really any sense of a resolution or completion. It feels as if you're lacking any real substance because you just don't tell us anything. The reader gets a vague sense of emotions but not much more, no images to attach these to, no personality.]

Ask yourself a few questions. Who is your persona, how do they feel, what is going on, where have they been/ are going and why are they feeling this way?

I hope this helps a little,

Heather xx

Hi, Hailey! The other reviewers have pointed out some more important issues with this piece, so I won't be redundant. My issues are more like quibbles...

Firstly, you used the words "terifying" and "horrifying" in the same poem: bad idea. Not only are they so similar in spelling, but they're also identical in definition. You can think of more original words to use than those, I'm sure. Also, you can't use commas where they don't belong to force a rhythm. Commas are meant to indicate pauses, but only where pauses are logical. Here's an illogical comma:

Another end,
To a horrifying night.

Read this aloud, with that pause indicated by the comma. "Another end...to a horrifying night." Sounds awkward, doesn't it? You wouldn't say it that way if you were speaking! Reading your poetry aloud is hands-down the best way to realize not only if it flows well, but if it makes sense when you hear it, not just when you read it.

Another laugh to cover up the terrifying sound.

I almost groan reading this just because "cover up" is such a bland, almost colloquial phrase. You can use a much better word than that--such as disguise, for instance.

Keep writing!

Hey hailey,

You've had a lot of helpful reviews already so I'll keep this one short and sweet.

Funnily enough, your poem is short, but not particularly sweet. It's a bit bitter, to be honest. I didn't really have anything to engage with past some short lines and bland descriptions. There's just not a lot here, it's like a pretty boring story written into the structure of a poem. I fail to see any other poetic features, such as sound, rhythm, flow, imagery. And that's a bad thing.

If you revise this, or if you write your next poem, remember to just go wild and try new things. Don't settle for the easy expressions.

Hi there!
Not going to lie, this poem is nice, but deathly boring. It doesn't 'wow' me. At all. It is very unclear.

I'm with Firestarter. I fail to see any rhythm, flow, imagery, the things poems need is not in this piece. Also, your lines seem a bit all over the place, in my opinion. But, I'm not much of a poet.

I suggest revising this. But keep on writing!
~LPR