Of A Rose

This is my very first post and poem. Fill free to review it. I'll be happy with all sorts of comments. Enjoy!

Petals of a rose,
so soft and immaculate.
Petals of a rose,
burning with despair.

Heart of a rose,
neat and clean.
Heart of a rose,
concealing and veiled.

Stem of a rose,
so sleek and strong.
Stem of a rose,
so harsh and painful.

Beauty of a rose,
unlike any other.
Beauty of a rose,
deceitful to all.

Petal of a rose,
drifting down.
Petals of a rose,
the end of all good things.

She is of a rose,
like the petals I've picked.
She is of a rose,
slowly drifting away.

Hi,

I really enjoyed your poem, it really speaks to me. I liked how you described a beautiful part of the rose, and then an horrid part.

I understood how the bulb of a rose is concealed, and the stem is painful, (the thorns) but I didn't get how the petals were burning with despair. Maybe you could change it to make more sense?

This poem was really insightful and made me think, great job!

Hi,

Welcome to Yws and congratulations on your first poem!

Your imagery is lovely, especially the first and last stanzas.

I'd cut more obscure lines like "burning with despair" and replace them with more visual imagery.

The repetition felt a bit monotonous to me; it didn't seem to fulfill a purpose. Again I'd use these lines to expand on your images.

The best thing you can do for your poetry is read poetry. I think you'd like Keats and Wordsworth if you haven't come across them and "No Bliss Like This" is a great anthology.

Hope this helps,

Jas

Hi there. Just thought I would stop by and give this a review.

So, I like the imagery that you're conjuring up with this. It's quite lovely on its own. The only real thing that I have issue with here is that this poem seems to be wanting to say something, but never comes quite around and says it. You might want to look back over this and see if you can't bring that out a bit better. This is a good stand-alone poem, don't get me wrong. I just think you could expand on it and it could become a bit more. PM me if you have any comments or questions.

Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice

Hey. This is a good poem. It is descriptive, and paints an image, but you might want to elaborate on what you are saying. You say nothing about the rose except it's parts and what they are like. But it is a good try for a first attempt. Keep writing.

Hey there, I'm Mandorelute, and I feel honored to critique your first poem submitted here on yys. Just so you know, constructive criticism is sincerely my goal, but I am also brutally honest with a shot of silver-lining. It's because the time I find time to do this is when I am sleep-dreprived. Haha. So if I'm obnoxious, please remember that I mean well.

Is this your first serious poem ever, or the first poem you're submitting on yys. Do you read and/or write poetry? How often? If so, who are your favorites, your influences (they do not have to be poets), and the ones you can't stand? Tell me about yourself? Pms are fine if right here isn't.

Ok, to the critique! Here goes. I don't normally copy and paste anything from someone's poem in my post except occasionally a favorite quote. But I am going to to that this time because it's a fairly short piece and it's nice to spoil new members.

- Presentation: Unnecessary punctuation. Your aren't writing an essay, you are writing a poem. You're allowed to break the rules and get away with it. But in the end, it comes down to your preference, style, and decision. Part of the gamble, when writing for a public audience.
- Pronoun Question, last paragraph: I think I understand what you were most likely trying to go for, using 'I and 'she' them here at the end of your poem. But it doesn't come off as climactic. It's awkward. Maybe a more creative word choice, find your personal imagery language. I believe it would work very well with this poem and you probably know that already, but if you find a way that flows with your original theme and keep it consistent for your foundation, your speaker/perspective. Or, if you feel it's really important for your poem and what you want to write, I think you would have to tweak the whole poem so that the perspective communicates clearly through out the whole poem...but that's my opinion.
Wait a minute?Word Choice: Do roses even grow from bulbs? what about:

Seed/Root/Vine/Hearth/Heart/etc of a ose,
neat and clean.
Seed/Root/Vine/Hearth/Heart/etc. of a rose,
concealing and veiled.

~

Petals of a rose,
so soft and immaculate.
Petals of a rose,
burning with despair

Bulb of a rose,
neat and clean.
Bulb of a rose,
concealing and veiled.

Stem of a rose,
so sleek and strong.
Stem of a rose,
so harsh and painful.

Beauty of a rose,
unlike any other.
Beauty of a rose,
deceitful to all.

Petal of a rose,
drifting down.
Petals of a rose,
the end of all good things.

She is of a rose,
like the petals I've picked.
She is of a rose,
slowly drifting away.

~


OVERVIEW: I liked it. I think what was really against your advantage is our language, somply because for example, this poem would be fantastic in Spanish, and I could say, "wow, reminds me of Neruda!" ...

But I digress! {Classic}

I'd like to know more about where your coming from to get into specifics and ideas about how to help you with your goals, styles, ideas.

At your service,
Mandorelute

Hey, thanks for the help. Just so you know, I wrote this poem about a girl. Try look at it that way. I just wanted to see what people thought of it, as a flower, not as a girl. So now, please let me know what you think about it. Thanks a lot.

-RepublicOfCoter

Hi RepublicOfCoter, I am CaptianRandom,

First of all i like this poem, how you refereed to the rose as a girl, from my point of view it seems like all the qualities of a girlfriend, It was perfect length and there was space in the poem so it didn't look like a clump of writing.

-CaptianRandom

I really liked this poem. A rose is always such a great topic for poetry. I loved how you showed both sides of the rose and I could picture the rose as you spoke of it. It was also simple and it got across what you were trying to say very well. I see the comparison of a rose to a form of girlfriend or girl in general. Overall I really liked it.

Hi there Coter,

your repetition
it gets dulls.
your repetition
is mostly likely fruitless.

^See, it's not as good as it seems. You can definitely making stanzas about the contrasting part of a rose. But the repetiton, what does it bring to your poem? Absolutely nothing, it just tires your reader. It doesn't bring anything meaningful to the table.

Next, you're talking in a very upfront manner. In a very static manner as well. Almost like a list:

Pros of a rose 1
- Point 1 and 2
Cons of a rose 1
- Point 1 and 2

True no? Well, you can't have grocery lists of poetry. If you're writing about a girl, don't simply introduce her in the last stanza, incorporate words that can be used to describe her in a more poetic manner through the poem.

So for example instead of saying clean, use something that can be used to describe a human being, not a kitchen counter.
A thesaurus is good for that. You can not only use words that mean clean literally, you can use words that relate to clean for example, honest, which is a way of saying a person is clean. Another term for honest is candid, and you can use that to describe the rose. Making those little links puts a lot more meaning into your poem and makes it less bland.

My suggestion, for future references. Avoid things like roses unless you have something really original to say. Roses, and a lot of flowers are over used. So if you want to write a poem with flowers, try to vary up.

Good luck,

Kamas

This is a good start, but the repition is really, really annoying (trust me, when I started writing poetry I did the exact same thing). Also, i will agree with Kamas that your adjectives are indistinct. Are there better, sharper words you could use that really get at what you are trying to say? In poetry, sometimes you need to throw in a couple of the two-dollar words, even where a ten-cent one would suffice. You've got three verses that talk about the painful parts of a rose, and that's repitious too--cut some out.

Your best verse is the last one, in my opinion. It has unique imagery compared to the rest. Build on it.

Nice poem especially due to the fact that this is your first.
Im not too big on poems, yet I can feel the emotion in thought put into this piece and for that I raise my glass to you!
The flow and follow through went well and the bumps were at a minimum!
great work and keep writing!
-Dawn

Hi R.O.C

Enjoyed the poem

Not bad for a first one.

i like it how every paragraph starts with a rose.

It got to me, quite emotional

well done

TheBigCheese