Misguided Angel

Rip it to shreds

Misguided Angel

She holds a mauve rose
At the crest of her breast
And stares out upon the calm,
A blue captive ocean in his eyes.

With a sea of life
And a passion of waves in task,
It is for her grace of hand
That he has come to request
And along with this, the pleasure of her acceptance.

She, the Misguided Angel
He, the Knight of Swords
Calls to her with sustenance
And the love of his strong hand.

She looks to him with hope
In who he claims to be.
Longing to reach out for him,
Held back by common angst
Which casts a shadowed doubt,
Making her cold in heart appear.

The little Angel has but one want,
To spread her wings around him
And embrace him with her sanctuation.
For in his eyes she sees herself,
And sadness cast by past misgivings.

She knows one day she will be free
To fly beside the Knight
And share his sword of strength,
As she opens her whispering soul
And vows to never let him go.


I tried to edit it but I don't think I did very well :S
Plus I'm not sure about the capitalization but I will trust Elly Charm

The two main problems that I had with this poem is...*ahem*...Capitalization! Capitalization! Capitalization!

Everytime
That you start a new line
Inside a Poem's heart, (which are stanza's if you didn't know)
The key to brilliance
Is capitalization
From the very start.

I know that's cheesy but my english teacher taught me that in fifth grade. Poetry is my strength so that's how she taught me, poems. Anyway, capitalization is about as important as punctuation, because the punctuation compliments the next letter, every single time.

Hope that helps.

My next main problem was...*ahem*...Rythm. It was totally off. You had some words rhyming with another one, but it was put randomly throughout the whole thing. It kind of threw me off. If you seperated it into seperate stanza's then it's very possible that this poem could of had a stronger hold on it's said rythm.

Otherwise, this poem had great potential. I think that if you edited a bit here and there, then you would have a million dollar poem on your hands.

I really hoped that I helped a tad, and I hope that I wasn't to harsh. No ones perfect because I make the same mistakes all of the time. I have to write it over ten times before I have it right. I loved the story behind this poem though. Beautiful, simply wonderous.

hi. i don't know much about poetry but i thought this was wonderful.

i always thought that every line has to rhyme. i have no idea what a stanza or what ever is but anyway

i thought you had a great way with words. the descriptions were nice and i felt loads of emotion pouring out at me.

it was really moving. very wonderfully put together and with a bit of a tweak here and there you would have a masterpiece. i thought that you could elaborate more on how the angel feels.

Okay hoped this helped.

This is WIZ signing of

ZaddieCaso wrote:Rip it to shreds

Misguided Angel

She holds a mauve rose
At the crest of her breast
And stares out upon the calm,
A blue captive ocean in his eyes.

With a sea of life
And a passion of waves in task,
It is for her grace of hand
That he has come to request
And along with this, the pleasure of her acceptance.

She, the Misguided Angel
He, the Knight of Swords
Calls to her with sustenance
And the love of his strong hand.

She looks to him with hope
In who he claims to be.
Longing to reach out for him,
Held back by common angst
Which casts a shadowed doubt,
Making her cold in heart appear.

The little Angel has but one want,
To spread her wings around him
And embrace him with her sanctuation.
For in his eyes she sees herself,
And sadness cast by past misgivings.

She knows one day she will be free
To fly beside the Knight
And share his sword of strength,
As she opens her whispering soul
And vows to never let him go.


I tried to edit it but I don't think I did very well :S
Plus I'm not sure about the capitalization but I will trust Elly Charm

Okay, lets begin, I'm Vernon and I'll be your reviewer today. This poem was beautiful, but after a while it just kinda tired me out. And sadly due to this, poem come across as being pretty for the sake of being pretty. Let me elaborate.

She holds a mauve rose
At the crest of her breast
And stares out upon the calm,
A blue captive ocean in his eyes.

This is beautiful imagery and nice showing, but really seemed like you used mauve as a replacement for red, just because it sounds better. I don't know if ya did, but it seems so. I've an interesting suggestion:

Staring out upon the calm,
a blue captive ocean in his eyes.
She holds a mauve rose
At the crest of her breast.

It's nothing much, but it sounds better, arranged this way, and doesn't seem as cliche as it was before.

With a sea of life
And a passion of waves in task,
It is for her grace of hand
That he has come to request
And along with this, the pleasure of her acceptance.

I don't really understand this stanza, what you mean by sea of life, his eyes, I assume, but it doesn't really make much sense, because it seems like a dance, but then I don't know. I think the flaw in this poem, is ya concentrate on being pretty and nice imagery, but it sounds contrived.

She, the Misguided Angel
He, the Knight of Swords
Calls to her with sustenance
And the love of his strong hand.

Why Knight of swords, isn't that a huge cliche image? don't be afraid to be original. And by now you're really lacking it. This whole stanza is a cliche basically.

She looks to him with hope
In who he claims to be.
Longing to reach out for him,
Held back by common angst
Which casts a shadowed doubt,
Making her cold in heart appear.

Okay, main complaint here, you ain't Yoda, so please for everyone sake don't speak like him. Just put simply, Making her heart appear cold. You sound utterly pretentious by saying that. Really this whole stanza sound utterly contrived, you keep writing stanzas for the sake of being pretty, you don't hold back the imagery, and let one stay.

The little Angel has but one want,
To spread her wings around him
And embrace him with her sanctuation.
For in his eyes she sees herself,
And sadness cast by past misgivings.

I'll allow this stanza to past, since it's got great imagery, but really this is where your poem falls apart.

She knows one day she will be free
To fly beside the Knight
And share his sword of strength,
As she opens her whispering soul
And vows to never let him go.

Last stanza, still utterly cliche, and then we a a rhyme appear out of nowere and it just sorta ends, nothing. After that, I'd expect something a conclusion, but no just ends, falls in on it self.

Now, let me say this, you use too much prettiness and imagery, your poem is riddled with cliches and at bits sounds utterly contrived. It's a tired theme, a tired telling. And for a poem like this, it kills it, angels and knights, aren't original, no matter how pretty they're worded. My advice is avoid cliches, write the poem without trying to be so pretty and beautiful with how it is, and lastly, please avoid using the idea of men being a protector of woman, it's wrong in a lot of cases.

Now that was harsh, and I apologize, rewrite this, and I'll review it again.

Good luck

VSN

haha

wow vernon, you really didn't hold back. But know I agree with you, it is cliche. But sometimes it's nice to write something a little cliche, after all cliches became cliches for a reason.

:]

thanks

I thought that was nicely done. I've always been a fan of substituting phrazes and words like "mauve" instead of "red". I know mauve's not really red, but you get what I mean. Of course, this is always important in writing. Just something I would suggest is describing looks a tad more, and maybe the girl's feelings (not mushy, but deep).

I'm still learning in this area myself, but I thought your rhythm was off. You had some lines rhyming, and others that didn't. I also saw that you attempted to use larger words instead of simpler ones that would suffice. When you did this, I think you threw yourself off. I know it threw me off. Practicing rhythm can be difficult, but one thing that helps is to start writing small "practice poems" and count the syllables in each line. The goal is to have every line with close to the same count, but still have the poem flow. After a time, you'll see improvement. Other than this, you did a great job. Keep writing!

~Kare

I kind of agree it was a bit cliche and the rhyming and rhythm were a bit off, but overall i really thought it used pretty description and was nice to read.
nice? I hate that word! I meant it in a good way though trust me :L

She holds a mauve rose
At the crest of her breast
And stares out upon the calm,
A blue captive ocean in his eyes.

what happened to the rhyming pattern up there? lol Izzy, try stick to one pattern the whole way through, or it gets confusing or just sounds a bit naff.

text me later x